Chapter 28
Cameron
“ H ow have your exercises been going?”
Cameron glanced up from his hands. His therapist sat with his ankle across his knee.
He was the epitome of attentiveness, without making Cameron feel like he was digging for something to judge him on.
It had been easy for Cameron to trust the guy.
But they’d been going at this for a couple weeks and he still didn’t feel he was at the point where he could try again with Sophia. “Good, I guess.”
“You think things could improve?”
He held back a sigh. His whole body itched to move on from the breathing techniques and the positive self-affirmations.
Deep down, he knew he’d be just as scared to lose Sophia if she were to give him another chance, and he didn’t know if he’d survive losing her again after that.
“I feel like I’ve hit a wall with all of it. ”
“You don’t think you’ve improved?”
“I know I have.” Cameron settled in his seat and rested his head against the back of the couch. “That’s not the problem.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
With a ragged brush of his hand through his hair, Cameron shut his eyes and willed his heart to slow.
“I keep seeing her around town, at work…” Even in his dreams. “And it’s getting harder and harder not to beg her to take me back.
I’m not good enough for her. I know the second she does, I’ll revert to the person I was when we were together. ”
“And why do you think that is?” Tyson prodded.
Cameron blew out a heavy breath. “Because I know it’s only a matter of time before I’ll lose her to someone better.”
Tanner was quiet for a moment. There wasn’t a change in his easy expression—no indication of what he was thinking at the moment.
He might as well be wearing a mask with the unreadability of his brown eyes and dark brows.
Tanner gave himself a short nod before commenting.
“We all have insecurities, guilt, shame, anxieties. They’re the parts of us that hold us back—for good or for bad.
For instance, we need a moral compass. Without shame and guilt, we’d have no reason to care for others and the way they feel.
But our insecurities are something of our own making.
They’re the shackles that hold us back based on our bad experiences.
Unfortunately, most of those experiences were brought on by no fault of our own, and yet there is a part of us that clings to them like a lifeline.
It’s a strange sort of reflex if you think about it. ”
Cameron listened with half an ear. His experiences were rooted in the way his brother had treated him.
Samuel had never truly made amends for what he’d done back then.
They’d simply pretended like it had never happened.
But Tanner was right. Cameron still clung to the chains of that experience in a way.
He let the pain from that moment in time strangle him when he was with Sophia. “How do I break the habit?”
“Well, what do you think are the root causes of those insecurities?”
“We’ve been through that?—”
“Yes, you’ve mentioned your brother. Tell me why, after so many years, you still cling to it. Why haven’t you forgiven him?”
“I have…” Cameron insisted, but his voice betrayed him. “Mostly.”
“What would it take to break free of the shackles that bind that part of you—the side of you that becomes desperate—to your brother?”
He really wished his brother would acknowledge what had happened and apologize—explain, maybe. Samuel had never been cruel in their younger years.
“You don’t have to answer out loud. It appears you have some idea as to what might help, and I suggest you explore that. Until then, continue with the exercises we’ve been working on. Remaining calm. Finding a place of peace when your anxiety becomes too much.”
Cameron nodded. Maybe it was time to finally bury the hatchet with his brother.
“Tell me about Sophia.”
Glancing up at Tanner, Cameron hesitated. They’d agreed that he needed to maintain his distance for Sophia’s sake. But he’d been making excuses to see her or bump into her lately. Tanner wouldn’t approve. He cleared his throat. “I’m still in love with her.”
A small smile tugged at the corners of Tanner’s lips. “I gathered that. Tell me why you think that’s problematic. If you’re improving, I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t attempt to open that door again.”
Cameron stiffened. “Because she’s not interested. She doesn’t go out of her way to see me. She’s not dating anyone that I can tell, but she’s still going out. She’s keeping her options open.”
“Perhaps it’s time you do the same.”
He couldn’t help it; he scowled at Tanner. For a moment he clenched his hands into fists, but then just as quickly, relaxed and allowed his heart to settle. It was getting easier, and that fact alone brought a small smile to his lips. “No.”
“I’m not suggesting that you move on. All I’m saying is that a few dates might ease the loneliness you’ve been struggling?—”
“I’m not lonely,” Cameron cut him off. “I just… miss her. And if I can’t have her, then I don’t want anyone else. I can’t explain it. It’s like her soul spoke to mine. We belong together, and I know that in the marrow of my bones. I’ve never been happier than when she was mine.”
Tanner nodded. “That’s understandable. I suppose you have a couple things to think about then.”
Cameron didn’t bother asking what Tanner meant. The guy was great at expounding on what he was thinking.
“You need to get to the root of your concerns and figure out what it is that will help you overcome your triggers. It won’t be easy, and change won’t happen overnight.
But it will help you in the future as you move forward.
Then you’re going to have to decide if opening the door to a relationship with Sophia is something you can handle emotionally and mentally. ”
Nodding, Cameron let out a sigh. “I’ll think about it.”
Over the next week, that was all Cameron thought about.
He couldn’t dredge up the courage to call his brother.
They’d had a good conversation when Cameron had apologized for his behavior, but their current relationship was rocky at best. He really didn’t want to tear open old wounds when Samuel didn’t seem inclined to take responsibility for what he’d done.
There was an ache in Cameron’s chest over that. It was like his heart had turned into a clam and Samuel’s behavior was that grain of sand that irritated his insides. At some point Cameron prayed it would result in something better. But for now, he’d focus on the other side of things.
Sophia.
The more he thought about her, the more he desired to tell her everything he’d experienced from the moment he’d met her to where they stood right now. He needed her to know that he was still all in. He couldn’t sit back on the sidelines anymore.
He just prayed that he wasn’t making a mistake in going to her first rather than letting her come to him.
Sophia stood with two men, laughing at something one of them said.
The music was loud enough that Cameron couldn’t hear the topic of conversation.
But from where he stood, he could see how aware Sophia was of his own presence.
She had looked over at him a handful of times since he’d arrived.
Based on the fact that she spent most of her evening with Emma and Emma’s husband, it was clear she wasn’t here on a date.
No one guy had danced more than once with her. That had to be a good sign.
Cameron hovered in his own group—mostly made up of the guys who worked for Mateo. Roman was with them, too, and he nudged Cameron with a chuckle. “What are you doing over here when you clearly want to be somewhere else?”
Glancing in his friend’s direction, Cameron bit back a smile.
Today had been a good day. It was getting easier to see Sophia spending time with other guys—mostly because he’d been forced to observe her and had started to notice subtle differences in the way she treated them versus the way she’d treated him when they were together.
Sophia might have a natural flirty way about her, but she had no interest in anything other than friendship.
Cameron let his eyes drift back to Sophia. A question hovered on the edge of his tongue, but Roman took pity on him and answered it before Cameron had a chance to voice it.
“She still wants you.”
“How do you know?” The question was quick and snapped out before Cameron knew what he was saying.
“Because you’ve been here a total of thirty minutes and she’s been staring at you for half of them.” Roman elbowed him. “Just go talk to her. What could it hurt? You’re already broken up. Might as well see if there’s any spark left.”
Right at that moment, “She Ain’t Ready” by Luke Combs came over the speakers and it was like Cameron had been transported back to that first night he’d danced with Sophia in Texas. His hands twitched and his eyes found Sophia’s.
She’d noticed it too.
Without thinking, Cameron moved in her direction. Even if this was the last dance they’d ever spend in each other’s arms, he’d take it. His heart belonged to her no matter what anyone else said.
Sophia’s eyes followed him as he made his way to her. The men who had been talking with her were gone now, allowing them privacy to speak. But he wasn’t going to be happy with just talking to her.
“Dance with me, please,” he said, holding out his hand. It wasn’t a question. And thankfully, Sophia didn’t refuse him.
His heart pounded. His hands grew clammy. Before the words escaped his mouth, he knew what he was going to say, and he prayed that she’d accept it.
“Cameron—” she started, but he cut her off.
“I’m in love with you, Red.”
She blinked up at him.
“I was in love with you from the first moment I saw you. On that first night, I’d planned on finding out where you were from so I could relocate.”
“What?”
His hold on her tightened as if he was worried she might fly away.
Or run. There was no going back after starting this conversation.
The only way was through. “I knew that night that you were it for me. I knew that no one else would hold a candle to the feelings I had, and I… just didn’t want to scare you away. I can be… intense.”
She blushed, but he didn’t miss the way she’d tensed in his arms. She was still holding back. And why wouldn’t she? He’d not given her any indication that he’d changed. And honestly, there would be no way of knowing until she forgave him and he had a chance to prove it.
“I know I haven’t earned a second chance yet,” he whispered, moving closer to her ear.
“I know you deserve a man a million times better than me. But he won’t love you the way I do.
” His thumb traced circles on the back of her hand, and he refused to pull back to see her face—not until he finished what he had to say.
“I hope eventually you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
One day, I hope you’ll see our potential and take me back.
” Cameron waited, swaying with her as the song neared its end.
When he pulled back, all he could see was the conflicted nature of her expression. It even appeared that she was holding back tears.
“You don’t have to say anything, Sophia. I’m not going to force you or give you an ultimatum. I simply wanted you to know that my feelings for you haven’t changed. Not since Texas and not since we’ve broken up.”
The song came to an end and Cameron released her. He left her to think about what he’d said as he moved to the bar and ordered himself a soda.