5. Summer
Chapter Five
Summer
“ S um?” Alice’s sleepy voice travels down the stairs, preceding her along with the sound of a large yawn.
I look up at her as she appears, sitting in the middle of the floor.
The stranger has left no lingering signs of his presence, no scent, no residual power, nothing but the throb of the pain leftover from his grip on my jaw.
“Why are you on the floor?” Alice asks carefully as she approaches me.
I stand, and she looks around. For what, I’m not sure.
“You good?” she asks, and I simply nod. “Hungry?” she asks, her eyes shining with the last glimmer of her hope.
I shake my head, and the sparkle is ousted. I’d feel guilty if it weren’t for the completely crushing guilt I already struggle under. Unable to cope with the hopelessness I can see in her, I look away. “What time is it?” I ask, my voice clearer after hurling profanities at the stranger.
“Three in the morning,” Alice replies, padding to the kitchen to grab two bottles of water from the fridge. I settle onto the couch as she returns. “Nightmare?” she asks.
It’s all I can do to nod. She knows I live in them constantly. The ones at night are the repentance I deserve. I didn’t wake her with my screaming last night, but only because he was there. He forced me to wake up to get away from him. He invaded my torture.
“Hot chocolate?” Alice asks as she walks to me, holding out one of the water bottles.
I take it from her and shake my head as I pull the lavender blanket that was artfully draped over the back of the couch over me, needing the weight of something on top of me.
I lay my head down on the pillow, and my gaze lands on the angelonias sitting on the table.
A flash of a memory crosses my mind’s eye, an agonizing one.
Connor lay on a cloud, his wings spread out behind him. Aqua ruined his wings, and I have no idea how they made him look so?.?.?. whole. His handsome face is relaxed as if he’s simply sleeping.
The sound of his mother’s sobs beside me is so loud I can barely hear my own as she says her final goodbye to her son. Her boy.
Alice crawls onto the couch and situates herself behind me.
I’m not sure when I started crying, but she wipes the tears from beneath my eyes and starts stroking my hair.
At some point she puts on that trashy show she loves so much, the one she got Connor to love, the one they would talk about all the time.
I feel the moment she has a memory of him, her body tenses so slightly that if you didn’t know her, you would miss it.
I take her hand, stopping her from stroking my hair, and I lace our fingers. It’s the only way I can give her any sort of comfort. I pull her arm around me, and we lie in silence as we watch the show, too exhausted to talk, too broken.
“Love you,” Alice whispers eventually. She wraps her arms around me tighter, trying to hold me together as she has for the past three months.
I whimper, and soon I’m crying again. Alice makes a soft sobbing sound behind me and clings harder.
“I’m sorry,” Alice whispers, and we lie there together, crying until the sun rises.
“We should get ready for class,” Alice says, making no move to get up from the couch. The exhaustion lies heavily on me, compounded by the memory of yesterday.
“I’m not going in.”
Alice nods. “Okay, we’ll not go?—”
“You should go,” I say, knowing that my depression, my unwillingness to live, should not impede her life .
“But—”
“I’ll be okay, Al.”
She considers for a moment, and I can feel her unease before she replies, “Okay, I’ll get your assignments.
” I know this is how she is justifying it to herself.
She may be leaving me, but she’s getting my schoolwork, hoping I’ll see it and want to do it.
I know she’s hoping my love of learning will make me want to live again, and I will let her think that if she wants, if it helps her.
She doesn’t need to know that I don’t give a fuck about learning anymore.
What’s the point? None of my learning helped me save Connor.
“Thanks.”
Alice climbs off the couch and goes upstairs to change for class, and I stay there like I plan to do all day.
I close my eyes, exhausted, but sleep has never been further from my reach.
So I just lie there, listening to Alice as she comes back downstairs and goes into the kitchen.
My stomach clenches as the scent of food filters into the living room.
“I made waffles,” she says, and I open my eyes to look at her.
She’s wearing her black slacks and black blazer with the Avalon logo stitched on the pocket.
Her hair is pulled up in a half updo. It’s longer than I’ve ever seen it, and I can tell she doesn’t like it, but she’s been so unwilling to leave me, even to get a haircut. My hair is longer too, not that I care.
“Thanks.” I pull the blanket more tightly around me.
She hesitates for a second, watching me. “Eat a little? For me?”
“Later,” I say, looking away. I can feel the hopelessness emanating from her, but she just nods and kisses me on the forehead.
“Text me if you need me,” she says before leaving the house, surrendering me to the silence.
Alice comes home, and I haven’t moved, not even an inch.
If I could feel anything past the utter devastation of my inner landscape, no doubt my body would be sore from being inactive for so long, but I can’t bring myself to care.
I want to just let myself rot here. She looks at me, and while she seems concerned, I can see that she looks a little better after being out of the house for a while.
Being away from me has done her a world of good.
Perhaps if I weren’t here, she’d be even better.
“Have you gotten up?” she asks .
“Not yet.”
Alice glances at the plate of completely untouched waffles, and I can feel her disappointment. She sits on the edge of the couch and reaches for the fork. Cutting a piece of waffle, she lifts it to my lips. “One bite, please.”
I shake my head.
“Please. Please, Summer,” she pleads. I should feel guilty. I should feel awful for causing her this hurt, but all I feel is numb brokenness.
I close my eyes. “I need sleep.”
“I stopped by the alchemy lab. I got a sleeping draft, nightmare-free. It’s good for a night.”
I open my eyes and look at Alice. Her worried gaze makes my heart squeeze, and I place my hand on her arm in thanks. She places her hand over mine, and with her other hand, she brushes one of my tears away.
“I should have some water,” I concede. While Alice has managed to get some water into me, it’s not nearly enough, and the bottle of water she left for me remains untouched. Alice brightens a little, and it breaks my heart how such a small gesture eases her burden.
I shift, sitting up, and she hands me the bottle.
“I picked up your books and assignments,” she says.
I take a sip of water, even though I don’t feel like I deserve it.
“Also?.?.?. I think I’ve picked my major.
” A small smile graces her lips, and it almost startles me.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile. “Alchemy. I like the poison stuff.”
It surprises me at first, but I actually think it fits her. The only class she cared about last year was Alchemy 101, and she loves plants and herbology. It’s the only textbook I’ve ever seen her actually read.
I try to smile in support, though given that Alice’s slight smile has morphed back into the familiar expression of concern, I’m not sure I’m successful.
She shrugs and looks down at her lap. “Yeah, better than Realm Affairs.”
Say something, Summer. Say anything encouraging. She needs this. But there are no words, and I can’t force them from my throat.
“So?.?.?. that’s something,” she continues, obviously feeling defeated.
Say something. Say anything.
“I’m happy for you,” I say, but my tone is so dead and flat that I know I’d have been better off not saying anything at all. “I should shower,” I say, and the words extinguish any semblance of happiness in Alice.
“Right. ”
I reach out and cup Alice’s cheek, and she looks at me. I have no words, no comfort to give, but she relaxes into my touch. Her lips curve ever so slightly, and her eyes look lighter.
I stand up from the couch, my limbs aching and stiff, but I lean into the unpleasant feeling as I walk upstairs to shower.
Then I climb into bed, down the potion Alice brought for me, and immediately fall into a dreamless black sleep.