10. Summer
Chapter Ten
Summer
T he upstairs landing is exactly as I remember it, and uncomfortably similar to the one at home.
Connor’s room is in the same place, though instead of the poorly etched connor ingrained into the wood, there is a placard with his name expertly written out, matching the ones on his brothers’ doors.
I walk to Rafe’s room but take a moment before knocking on the door.
“Fuck off,” I hear Rafe growl from inside, and it strangely makes me feel more normal.
Instead of knocking again, I open the door and slowly peek around his door. When Rafe’s eyes meet mine, he frowns and sits up in bed. “Summer?”
I step into his room before pushing the door closed behind me and leaning back against it.
I’ve never been in Rafe’s room before, and I’m not sure what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t this.
His walls are covered with posters of fighters, rock bands, and some very lifelike animated characters.
The decor is dark and mysterious, yet the room is clean and somewhat organized.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, drawing my attention.
“Uriel came to see me,” I say, and I am happy that my voice sounds more normal. “He said Connor—” My voice breaks on his name, and I look away, having to work to hold back the tears.
I can feel Rafe’s dark gaze locked on me, and when I look back at him after a long moment of silence, I notice he’s moved over on the bed.
He pats the now-vacant space next to him.
Wordlessly I push off the door and cross the room to clamber onto his bed.
It’s so comfortable, and I have no doubt Farrah chose the mattress to ensure it .
This close, I can see he’s more bruised and battered than usual.
It doesn’t surprise me. More than a few times, I’ve considered allowing people to kick the shit out of me.
It is so tempting to seek physical pain, to make it match the agony of my internal despair.
Rafe shifts next to me and looks up at the ceiling.
I follow suit, enjoying the natural ease between us. Two weeds in a bed of roses.
We sit in silence for a long moment before Rafe breaks it.
“Everyone is being an idiot,” he begins.
“Zach isn’t talking to Ashley, completely ghosted her.
Zane is trying to train in the middle of the night.
He wants to be the next Arch.” His voice is laced with anger and pain. “And Luke, he’s started training too.”
I can’t imagine kind, wonderful Luke with his healer’s heart, willingly causing anyone harm. I haven’t seen him yet, but I can clearly recall my last memory of him at the funeral. His eyes had been red and dull, his skin pale, grieving the loss of his big brother, his hero.
Rafe slams his fist into the mattress, making it shake a little. “So fucking stupid.” I turn my head to look at him and see a tear slide from the corner of his eye. It drops onto his pillow, and the sight of it is enough to summon my own tears.
“And he died. So. Fucking. Stupid.” His voice shakes with emotion, and it’s not just sadness.
His anger is so apparent, and I wonder how he’s containing that kind of rage.
I find myself a little jealous that he seems to have a steady fire burning inside him.
It’s destroying him but also keeping him alive.
I don’t have that. Mine is just a slow, sinking despair.
“I’m the one who doesn’t want to be here,” Rafe says, and the words slam into me. “And he is the one who died.”
I sob silently, listening as he voices his devastation. Sliding my hand over the mattress, I link my pinky with his.
“Fucking idiot.” Rafe exhales on a sharp, shaken sob.
So many truths are being thrown at me, truths I don’t know how to respond to other than to allow my own to tumble from my lips. “I thought you all hated me.”
Rafe glances at me, his eyes glimmering with some emotion I can’t decipher. “Don’t be an idiot too. ”
I nod and look back at the ceiling. The silence creeps back in, disturbed only by our broken exhales and sobs.
“How are your mom and dad?” I ask after a while. Something felt off with them, aside from the fact that they have one less son. I’m not sure how I think they should be, but I still got a feeling, and Rafe didn’t mention them in his list.
“They aren’t?.?.?. them,” he says. “They barely touch, barely even look at each other.”
Knowing how close and affectionate they usually are with each other, this must be very disconcerting for the boys.
“It should have been me.” I release the hideous truth once again, though this time possibly to someone who actually understands.
“Shut up,” Rafe says, an edge of anger once again behind his voice.
“How do we live without him?” I ask the only other person in all ?the realms who may know the answer. How do we live without the only good thing about us?
“I don’t know,” Rafe admits.
I just shift closer to him, his warmth seeping into my side where we touch.
Rafe looks at me. One of his eyes is red thanks to a burst blood vessel that hasn’t healed yet. “Why is he gone?” Rafe asks.
The question is agonizing because I know the answer. “Because of me.”
Rafe shakes his head. “You are an idiot.”
“It is,” I say, bristling.
“No it’s not,” Rafe insists, and another tear falls from my eye. “I should have gone with him. The last thing I said to him was that I wouldn’t be his best man.”
Connor grins at me and strokes his thumb over the engagement ring sitting proudly on my finger. “Rafe is going to be my best man.”
I laugh, nuzzling his cheek. “If anyone can convince him, it’s you, big guy.”
He pulls me closer to him, that winning smile dazzling me for the thousandth time. “He’ll say no at first, but I’ll get him. I have a plan.”
The memory flashes through my mind, and my lips twitch.
“He knew you’d say no.” Rafe winces at my words, so I continue.
“He was planning this whole thing on Rae Field.” The memory burns, but the sting is bittersweet.
“It was going to be like one of those stupid promposal things. He planned to ask you over and over until you said yes.”
Rafe groans, but there is ?affection there. “I would have hated that.”
“He knew that.” I exhale a shaky breath as the memory fades, leaving grief to fill the gaping void left behind. “He loved you so much.” I turn my hand and lace our fingers.
“Fuck,” he says with so much emotion that even my soul shakes. “So stupid. Everyone is so stupid.” He pulls his hand from mine, and I mourn the loss of it, but then he pulls me to his side and kisses me on the head. “Don’t be an idiot. Okay?”
I nod and curl into him.
“Thank you for coming,” he whispers against the top of my head. “Tell me what happened.”
I frown.
“You think I don’t recognize Connor’s halo?”
I lift my arm and look at the halo. “Uriel said Connor came to him in a dream. He said that I wasn’t doing well, so your dad came to check on me.”
“That doesn’t explain this.” Rafe brushes his fingers over the halo, and I feel it vibrate softly.
“Connor wanted me to have it.”
“That makes sense.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
Rafe shakes his head. “That’s not for you to decide, Summer.”
I glance at him, and I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude. “Thank you.” Rafe meets my gaze. “For saying that and for not hating me.”
His brows draw. “Why would I hate you?”
“If he’d never have met me, he’d still be alive.”
“And if he’d never met me, he wouldn’t have killed someone at the age of fourteen.
” Rafe’s eyes haze over. He’s revisiting a memory, but I know it’s not a pleasant one.
“The dagger he gave you, the one he gave you to keep you safe, he manifested it that night. The night when?.?.?.” The words get caught in his throat, and I take his hand again.
Whatever Rafe went through, it’s not something he can think about right now, nor should he have to, especially not for my benefit. “It’s my fault.”
I cup his cheek, needing to absorb some of his pain. “You were his favorite,” I say, definitely not a lie, but also not something Connor would have ever said out loud.
“So were you,” Rafe says, and we just stare at each other. Neither of us is saying what we’re thinking. Connor was so wildly unlucky as to favor the two sprigs of nightshade when he was surrounded by glorious bouquets .
“I can’t stop crying,” Rafe says, brushing tears from his face.
“Me neither.” How desperately I miss the inability to cry that I was suffering from this time last year.
“Are you staying?” he asks, with a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
I nod. “For the rest of the week and the weekend.”
Rafe’s shoulders relax a little. “They want me to come down for dinner.”
“They do, and so do I.”
Rafe watches me. “You’ll be there?” he asks, almost as if he is afraid I will disappear. Sadly, I understand.
“I’m here for the next few days, Rafe. I promise.”
He exhales and then sits up before climbing out of bed.
I go to his bathroom to wash my face so I don’t look like such a crying mess, not that it helps.
I’m half convinced the tearstains are now permanent.
After I’ve cleaned myself up as best I can, I wait for Rafe outside his room while he changes.
The moment he opens the door, his eyes search for mine, and I can see the relief in them that I am still there. “Ready?” he asks, though I think he’s more asking himself.
“Together,” I say, holding my hand out for his. Rafe pauses for a long moment and then slides his hand into mine.
“Well, well, well, look who it is,” Zane says when he sees Rafe and me coming down the stairs. His tone is meant to be snide, but he’s not fooling anyone. The relief in his voice is obvious.
Luke simply walks up to me and pulls me into a hug.
I cup his cheek as I tell him how much I missed him.
He looks thinner, but not as thin as Farrah.
Uriel is already sitting at the table, and he almost manages to mask his surprise at seeing Rafe, but I still catch it.
Farrah comes in from the kitchen, and she stumbles a little when she sees Rafe.
Rafe and I sit next to each other, and I take his hand again in a silent offer of support.
Uriel watches Farrah as she serves the plates, and now that I’ve calmed down a little, I can truly see the toll this has taken on her.
She is so thin, and there are dark circles beneath her eyes.
There is a fragility about her that is so wrong that it hurts to look at her.
She’s broken, like all of us, but I think the toll of having to still care for her family has made it even worse for her.
The boys chat quietly, but I watch Uriel and Farrah, trying to see what is broken with them.
Uriel watches Farrah, and something seems to have shifted even in the brief time I have been here.
When Farrah puts down the last plate, Uriel catches her on her way to her seat, pulling her into his lap.
Farrah blinks, obviously surprised, and the boys fall silent, all their attention turned on their parents.
Uriel leans in, pressing a sweet, soft kiss against her lips. “Full house,” he murmurs against her mouth. When Farrah pulls back, her cheeks are a little flushed, her eyes darker, and I notice a small smile passing between the twins. The smallest taste of normalcy has a massive effect.
“Hi,” Uriel says, running his fingers through his wife’s long black locks.
Farrah’s cheeks brighten a little more. “Hello,” she says, and while it’s a short greeting, there is more feeling in it than there was in her voice before. I force myself to look away, not wanting to intrude on such a private and intimate moment.
Rafe puts a spoonful of potatoes on my plate. “Eat,” he says, and I can feel that he is a lot less tense.
I look at the plate, and my stomach turns. It is absolutely no reflection on Farrah’s cooking, which smells divine, but my appetite has been nonexistent since Connor died.
Rafe puts a piece of chicken on my plate. “You need it,” he says quietly.
“I-I can’t,” I whisper, preparing for their disappointment.
“Do it anyway.” Rafe squeezes my hand and turns his attention to his own plate.
I manage to take two bites before Zane saves me from having to force down another.
“So how is Avalon without us?”
I shrug, pushing food around my plate. “I’ve not been to class in over two weeks.”
“Oh,” Zane says, and then there is that heavy silence again. Would a lie have prevented it?
“We’re so glad you’re here, Summer,” Farrah says, and I look at her. She appears more alive now with her flushed cheeks and that sparkle in her eyes.
Uriel pulls her closer. “We are a family surviving.” Farrah looks at him affectionately. “Struggling, but together.”
I squeeze Rafe’s hand, and for the first time since the meal started, he speaks to the entire table, not only me. “Telling grief to piss off.”
“Cheers to that,” Zane says, and Farrah doesn’t even admonish Rafe. She just presses her forehead to Uriel’s and leans into him, settling into a newly unfamiliar ease.
“I love you,” Uriel whispers.
Farrah whimpers softly. “I love you.”
Another tear slides down my cheek as Uriel kisses Farrah again, and this time, she deepens it a little, pulling a smile from Uriel.
He pulls back. “I’m sorry.”
Farrah cups his cheek and shakes her head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, my love.”
“I do,” Uriel whispers. “I left you alone in your grief.”
She brushes her thumb along his cheek. “We were both lost to it.”
“We will find our way back to each other.”
“Oh, we never left.”
And just like that, I see Uriel and Farrah begin to mend. The communication barrier between them seems to dissolve, and once again, they are a team. I can’t help but consider that my being here contributed to it, and perhaps if I can help glue the Morningstars back together, it’ll be enough.
Perhaps I’ll have a purpose again.
Perhaps I’ll want to live.
Perhaps . . .