22. Summer #2
Max digs his fingers into my thighs, and I know I’m going to bruise.
Good. I want to bruise. I want to hurt. He keeps pounding into me, his rhythm getting more ragged.
He’s close too, and the thought of his pleasure spurs me on that last bit.
I plunge into my release, my whole body shattering around him.
His roar against my lips undoes me again, and I feel myself roll into a second orgasm.
We just stand there for a moment, both of us spent, Max’s forehead resting against mine, the only sounds our labored breathing and thudding hearts. After a moment, he eases me back to my feet and pulls back.
What have I ? —
“Hungry?” he asks.
I blink up at him, the unexpected question pulling me from my panic.
“Summer. Stop complicating it.”
“Shit.” I push him back and move out from between him and the wall. I’m like a newborn deer on shaky legs as I try to pull on my pants. How could I have done this again? I need to get the fuck out of here.
“Fuck,” I grumble, still struggling with my leggings. “That?—”
“Was it hot? Fun? Casual?” Max offers.
When I glance at him, he’s casually leaning against the wall, watching me with a somewhat amused look on his face.
“A mistake,” I throw back at him. I’m not sure if I’m saying it to be hurtful or just shitty, but Max just sighs and smirks.
“The least fun option. ”
“Fuck,” I repeat, finally managing to get my pants back on.
Without looking at him again, I stalk from his office and through the gym, trying to fix the mess he made of my ponytail while fucking me up against that wall.
I go straight home, trying to make sense of what I did.
My emotions are all over the place, but I do know the regret isn’t nearly as present this time.
Do I still feel like I’ve betrayed Connor?
Yes, but it’s somehow?.?.?. less stifling.
That doesn’t mean that it will happen again.
It was a one-time?.?.?. well, two-time mistake.
The smell of fresh pastries greets me when I open the front door, and I follow that scent through to the kitchen to find Alice.
She’s wearing a frilly pink apron over her bloodstained onesie, a streak of flour across her cheek.
She looks so wrong, yet completely content.
I lean against the wall, quietly watching her as she continues with her baking.
Alice’s nose suddenly wrinkles, and she spins toward me, her eyes going wide as she inhales deeply. “Oh. Well?.?.?.” She purses her lips. “You stink.”
I close my eyes and lightly hit my head on the wall, contemplating every bad decision I’ve ever made.
Alice sighs softly. “I made you food. Come eat and tell me why you smell like sweat, sex, berserker, and shame.”
I push off the wall and sit down at the table.
Alice puts a plate down in front of me and then pours me a cup of dark brown, steaming coffee.
The scent of both is instantly comforting.
“Soooooo?.?.?.” she says, drawing out the word as she sits down beside me.
She takes a loud slurp from the blood bag, staring at me expectantly.
Needing the strength, I take a sip of coffee before I reply. “We fucked.”
Alice quirks a brow. “In the middle of the gym? Like feral animals? Because?.?.?. I support.” I think Alice can tell I’m not about to break at this current moment, which is why she’s able to be her usual lighthearted self, and I didn’t realize how much I missed it until now.
“No, not in the middle of the gym,” I say, scowling at her.
“Disappointing. So?.?.?. was it good?” she asks, taking another loud slurp from her straw.
I blink at her, completely astounded by her question, by her reaction. “Alice, my fiancé has barely been dead four months.”
Alice reaches across the table and takes my hand, squeezing it lightly. “And you aren’t. And that isn’t what I asked. ”
I watch her, heat slipping through me as I remember the primal way we came together.
“Fuck, it was good.” I reply honestly. If I can’t be honest with Alice, who can I be honest with?
My world might come crashing down around me any second, so I may as well try to make the most of the time I have when I’m not drowning in grief.
“Good.” Alice grins and hands me a jar of raspberry jam.
I shake my head, open the jam jar, and spoon some onto my pastry. “It’s too soon, Al.” The truth resonates within me, aching because it is too soon. I love Connor. I will always love Connor. I will always choose Connor.
“It was always going to be too soon.”
Is she right?
“But this is?.?.?. way too soon.” I sigh, taking a bite of my pastry.
It tastes like dust in my mouth, thanks to the guilt gnawing at me.
“And Connor and Max didn’t get along.” When I speak the words, it becomes clear that this is an even bigger betrayal because of that.
They hated each other, and yeah, they may have started to work on some weird form of camaraderie, but it certainly wasn’t friendship by any means.
Would this be easier if they had been friends? If I knew Connor approved of him?
“He wanted you to move on,” she says and squeezes my hand, pulling me from my thoughts.
I shake my head. “He didn’t mean it.” He was being his usual stupid, perfect, wonderful, selfless self.
“He did. You know he did.”
I shake my head, and I can feel the emotion burning at the back of my throat. “He knew he was my last chance.” My last chance at love, at family, at happiness, at peace.
“No.” Alice ducks her head to meet my gaze. “He knew you were just beginning, Summer. I’m sorry. I am so sorry because I know it’s impossible to be the one left behind. I know how impossible it is to keep moving with that horrific weight on your shoulders.”
A tear escapes, leaving a burning trail down my face.
Alice cups my cheek. “Connor wanted you to live, and you’re afraid to do it.” She brushes the tear away with her thumb. “It’s okay to be scared. But you don’t love him less by living.”
“Al?.?.?.” My words get lost in a sob.
“He’s ?part of you. ”
“I’m not ready.”
Alice smiles softly. “You’re not dating him. You’re just berserker bouncing.”
My lips twitch, but the tears continue to fall. “I’m not. Not anymore.”
“Does it make you feel good?” Alice asks.
“No. I feel like shit,” I reply. It’s the truth, but I know she’s not talking about the aftermath. She’s talking about the moments during and after when I feel alive again.
“During?” she asks, obviously having caught on.
I hesitate for a moment but shake my head.
“So it’s just guilt.”
I look away, not wanting to discuss this anymore.
I feel lighter today, and I don’t want to disrupt that feeling.
It is a fragile state of being for me, and I know it, but I am determined to go back to my classes today.
I refuse to sink back into that devastation and lose myself again today. I think I might actually want to live.
Alice holds my gaze and nods as if she can hear my thoughts. “Good. Now, eat some more.”
I sigh and take another bite of the pastry, then grab an apple as I head upstairs to shower and change.