47. Summer
Chapter Forty-Seven
Summer
N o matter how fast I run, I cannot escape his words. They circle my mind, the truth of them banging harder than any bell, reverberating through my skull.
He was not the one for you.
You would never have made it down that aisle.
You wished it were right so badly.
No. He’s wrong. I would have. I loved Connor with everything that I am, and I gave him every part of me I could, every shiny part that wasn’t cracked and broken, that could love him in the light.
Yes, I know I didn’t give him all of me, that I hid those dark, ugly parts of myself from him.
I tried to tell myself that they weren’t a part of me, but I knew they were.
I did my best to contain the darkness and the harsh reality of my past because he was too good even to know about it.
He loved me, and he was light, so that meant I could be light too.
The truths the stranger hurled at me continue to echo through my mind, and I cover my ears as I run, trying to mute them, trying to escape them. Oh, gods, I am desperate to escape them.
Why can’t I hate him? I want to hate him. I’m as desperate to hate him as I am to escape him and his words.
I keep running until the halo jerks hard, nearly pulling me off my feet.
There is so much force behind it that my arm is lifted and out to the side, keeping me from moving forward.
This is the most the halo has taken control of me.
It continues to yank at me insistently, and I gasp when it nearly tugs my shoulder from the joint .
I slowly drop my other hand from my ear and look up at the halo, frowning.
The pressure relaxes enough for me to regain control of my arm, but the halo vibrates warningly at me.
Cradling it against my chest, I look around.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this deep in the forest before. Well, no, there was one other time.
Billows of white fog slide over the forest floor, swallowing the moss and vegetation.
Menace oozes from it, a sense of lethal intent preceding its ominous creep.
It’s a warning to anyone who knows well enough to listen.
This is the same carnivorous fog I encountered last year. It nearly killed me, but Aqua?.?.?.
For all I know, she summoned it and then pretended to save me to gain my trust. Not that it worked. At least not then, but she still got to me. She still shattered me.
The memory of Aqua finding me flashes into my mind. I remember lying on the ground and looking up at her evil, vindictive face, staring into the eyes of the murderer who took my fiancé, my chance at a family. My chance at peace .
He’s gone.
I step back, but the halo hums again. He’s gone.
I’m gone, nothing more than a shadow of my former self.
I take another step back. Power ignites within me, tendrils of it surging through my cells.
The source of it calls to me from where I’d locked it away deep inside me.
I’ve refused to touch it, to see it, or even acknowledge it, and not just this last year, but my entire life. Repression has always meant survival.
The halo hums again. Become more. Become you. Unleash.
The power coils and writhes deep inside me, suffusing my body and making my fingertips tingle.
It’s an irresistible call of darkness, the same feeling I used to get around the dark fae.
It activates an instinct to fight, to survive.
To kill. I dive into it, luxuriating in how deep it goes. Fuck. It’s endless. It’s incredible.
Become who you were born to be.
I glare at the fog and throw roiling power at it, the purple light blasting from my hand and invading the malevolent mist. Raw, destructive, arcane magic bursts from me, no runes needed. This is me. I will survive. I will endure. And I will fucking win.
The fog retreats from the hit, spiraling in on itself as if in pain, but then it darkens and surges toward me, gaining speed.
Primal lethality oozes from it, spreading and killing any living thing in the forest it touches.
No longer is it pretending to be a docile intruder. That’s okay. I am done pretending too.
The darkness rises inside me, filling me, and I cry out as I unleash my power.
It explodes from me in a chaos of bright purple light, ripping from my soul, from the cage I’d kept it in my whole life, shredding me with its strength and potential.
My potential. The fog lets out an inhuman screech, no doubt unused to being harmed.
I pant and slowly open my eyes, purple sparks of power cracking like lightning from my skin and leaving a zap of electricity in its wake.
The fog has retreated, and it seems to be observing me.
It advances a little, and I send another ball of power at it.
I swear I hear it hiss, and then it skitters away from me.
Good. It should be afraid. Everything and everyone should fear me. I lost the one thing that made me want to hide my darkness. Now it is too late to put it back, too late to go back.
He’s gone.
The fog continues to retreat, but the anger is still coursing through me.
I send another blast of power and another and another.
Each hit obliterates some of the fog, destroying it piece by piece.
There is the echo of a whispered scream, and then it withers, leaving nothing but a fine layer of ash in its wake.
I pant, the silence bouncing off the trees and slamming into me.
I hadn’t realized how loud the anger was until it was ousted.
Exhaustion washes over me, and I fall back.
I brace myself for the pain I know is coming when I hit the ground, but it doesn’t come.
Something catches me, and I let my head loll back, too tired to actually turn it.
Looking over my shoulder, I expect to see someone behind me, supporting my weight.
Instead, there are two thick vines at my back, holding me up.
Surprise shoves through the haze surrounding me.
I blink a few times and catch movement out of the corner of my eye.
Letting my head fall to the side, I watch in muted amazement as the forest flourishes.
The trees seem to shiver, the leaves above whispering and then settling as the trunks thicken.
Flowers bloom, displaying petals that have been hidden for a long time, their faces pale.
The underbrush rustles as small animals emerge from their burrows, curious about the shift happening above.
Birds start to sing overhead, basking in the golden beams of sunlight piercing the clouds as vines crawl over the forest floor like brilliant green snakes .
The forest appeared vibrant before, but it wasn’t. It was living in fear.
I rest for a few minutes before gathering my strength and pushing off the vines, bracing myself against the trunk of the nearest tree.
It feels alive to me, and I close my eyes as its sense of relief washes through me.
When I open my eyes, my breath catches in wonder.
If I thought the forest was beautiful before, it is nothing compared to what I am seeing now.
A tear slides down my cheek at the sight, and at the overwhelming sensation of home . I fall to my knees, and the forest once again protects me, softening the ground beneath me.
The flora will flourish whence the Seelie returns.
I have returned, and even now, my power is coursing through me, completely unconstrained. There is no hiding it anymore, no repressing it. I have broken the dam, and I have no fucking idea of the consequences for that.
It starts to rain, a gentle, steady fall that will cleanse the ash and stain left in the wake of the fog.
It is another kindness to me, making it difficult to differentiate between my tears and the raindrops.
The trees shift their branches, trying to shield me as much as they can, and I allow myself to sob.
I curl up on the soft forest floor and I cry.
I cry for Connor.
I cry for my past.
I cry for my lies.
I cry even more for my truths.
I’m not sure how long I lie there crying, but eventually I’m scooped up into strong arms, and I immediately know who they belong to.
He is the last person I want to see, the last person I want to be here.
Yet something inside me warms in his presence.
Unable to deny the unwilling safety I feel at being held in his arms, I relax and press my face against his neck, allowing myself to unravel completely.