112. Summer #2
I just stare at him, paralyzed by the words.
The stranger tenses, obviously just realizing what he said.
He stops and stares at me, his chest heaving.
His power was a chaotic storm just a few moments ago.
Now it’s rippling from him in calm waves.
He takes a step back, his anger by no means extinguished.
It’s just been muted a little by the shock.
“Stranger—”
“What is it that makes you cling to someone that you know is not the one for you?”
“Do you think this is easy for me?” I say, looking away .
His breaths are ragged, fueled by emotion. “How could it not be?”
I scoff. “You think it’s easy for me to be around you?
To?.?.?.” I close my eyes and shake my head, releasing a shaky breath.
“With every thought of you, I feel the deepest of betrayals.” I open my eyes again to find him watching me intently, and in this moment, with our shared anger, vulnerability, and needs, I feel the lie I’ve been holding on to with all my will start to unravel.
The one I’ve been holding on to since I met him.
“With every craving, with every desire, it’s like claws down my spine. ”
His eyes flash through his avatar, almost as if they’re trying to burn through it.
“From the minute I felt your eyes on me, you owned a fucking part of me. A part that ached and throbbed whenever I was with Connor.” I shake my head.
The guilt is so overwhelming, but I can’t stop, even if I wanted to.
This is why I held on to the lie so tightly, because I knew once I started, all my defenses would turn to ash.
“I knew something was missing.” I swallow.
“My darkness swirls for you. It craves you.” I look away.
“I desperately crave you. But I can’t?.?. .”
“So you pretend,” he says, his avatar flickering. This time, it’s not just his eyes, and I realize he’s struggling to hold on to it. “You lash out, and I am the convenient target.”
Anger flares inside me. “You are the thing I need to resist, and it’s fucking torture,” I snarl.
“Because from the second I first felt your eyes on me, I have been falling.” No, no, no, stop now.
But I can’t. “I was falling when I was with Connor. When I was engaged. When I was planning my marriage.” My heart splinters.
“When my world shattered into fucking pieces.” A tear slides down my cheek.
“And now the only way I can repent is to resist. The only way to honor Connor and what we had?—”
“Repent?” he says, recoiling from the word. “You see me as something you need to atone for?”
“Yes.” Another tear falls. “Because I was fucking falling in love with you when?—”
He storms toward me, muting me by slamming his lips to mine.
At first, it’s the avatar, but then, there are the lips I have been dreaming about since All Souls, and it’s as if they have imprinted on mine.
I sob softly as he kisses me. There is the lingering taste of salt from my tears, but there is also the overwhelmingly perfect taste of him .
He tunnels his fingers into my hair and deepens the kiss. His tongue tangles with mine, and I melt against him as he devours my mouth. He pulls back, and when he does, the avatar is once again fixed over his lips. He yanks my hair, forcing me to look up at him.
“Listen and listen well, I will not be your way to atone. I am yours from the beginning to the end. If you want me, truly want me, you know what I need from you, but I will not be a way for you to torture yourself. That has been my role for many others. Someone who causes them pain, bringer of death, but not for you. Never for you.”
I sway against him, breathless from his kiss, his confession, his words, and my own. I swallow. “Stranger, I didn’t?.?.?. with Max today. I couldn’t.”
“Why?” he asks, his fist tightening in my hair.
“Because I kept thinking of you.”
“You were thinking about me?” he asks, his shoulders relaxing a little.
“About your touch, your lips, your voice. About earlier at your place.”
He exhales heavily. “I couldn’t watch when you were with him.”
I stare up at him, knowing it’s time to face another truth. “Max was never a threat to my relationship with Connor. He’s safe.” My darkness is silent with Max. He’s safe for me in more ways than one. “But every day you consume more of me. Even when we’re not talking.”
I had decided before to delve into my darkness, but when he hurt Max, I second-guessed myself. But every single day he wasn’t with me, I thought of him, missed him, forgave him a little more. I understand him.
“Only fair. Since you’ve owned me from the beginning,” he says, chuckling darkly. He pulls me against him. “No matter how much either of us will it otherwise, there is only one choice for us, one path forward.”
“Do you wish it otherwise?” I ask, wishing I could actually see his eyes.
“I did once,” he says, and I know it shouldn’t, especially with the words I have hurled at him, but it stings a little.
He cups my jaw. “You have such control over me, from a single look. I resented that. Resented you.” He brushes his thumb along my cheek.
“Yet I could not stay away. So this avatar, this charade, was all an excuse for me to be near you.”
I close my eyes.
“So what now, princess?” he asks, his hand loosening, his fingers lightly caressing my scalp. “What do we do now? ”
I look up at him again, placing my hand on his chest. “I don’t know.” He covers my hand on his chest. “I need to think.”
“Alone?” he asks, and I know it’s maybe unfair of me, but yes. I need to think about everything now that I’ve unraveled that hideous lie. It’s time to face my hideous truth.
“Meet me back here at the same time tomorrow?”
He scans my eyes, and I can feel his reluctance, but he nods and slowly releases me. I stare up at him for a moment before I turn away and leave the clearing. Even once I am out of the forest and out of his sight, I can still feel his gaze on me, though I know he’s not watching.