114. Summer
Chapter One Hundred Fourteen
Summer
A fter a sleepless night of tossing and turning, thinking about myself, the stranger, my life, I finally give up and climb out of bed. I need to work out, and while I don’t particularly want to see Max right now with my mind a mess, I need more than just running.
The sun has barely risen when I arrive, and I’m surprised to see that Max is already here. “You’re here early,” he says, taking a long sip from his coffee mug.
“You too,” I say, and he smiles. It is warm, the affection in his eyes indisputable, and suddenly, a bolt of clarity hits me like a comet that has been plunging toward me for the last year. “Can we talk?” I ask, and while my stomach is riddled with knots, I know what I need to do.
“Sure. Office?”
I nod and follow him to his office. The way is familiar, but this liaison will differ from the ones we had previously. Max closes the door, and the sound of it latching only makes my nerves wilder.
“What’s up?” Max asks, sitting on the edge of his desk.
I face him, and the moment his eyes lock with mine, I want to throw up. “Max. You have been?—”
“Sum,” he says, interrupting me, and my eyes sting with tears. The -second Max notices, he reaches for me, closing the distance between us. “Whoa, you okay?”
A sob escapes, my heart breaking for the pain I have caused so many. “You are so important to me. You have helped me heal more than you will ever understand.”
Max cups my cheek in a way that has become increasingly familiar. I didn’t realize how much more affectionate he had gotten until now. “Hey, let’s sit down. Okay?”
I look up at him, and he takes my hand and leads me to the couch. I can’t look at him, so I look down at my bare thighs.
Max squeezes my hand, and it is comforting. “Start over.”
I exhale shakily. Gods, I hate this. I hate that I’m going to hurt him, that I’m going to reject him, but mostly I hate that I am finally letting go of the possibility of a future where I am good.
“ You are so special, and I am so grateful for you.” Max squeezes my hand again, and I look at him. “I appreciate you so much.”
Max blinks, and I see the realization fill his eyes, followed by a devastating flash of pain. “Oh, I see. That’s what you’re doing.”
“Max.”
He watches me for a long moment and then cups both my cheeks. “Friends first. That’s what we promised, right?”
“I can’t lose you,” I say, another tear falling. I can’t lose anyone else. Not again.
“Why would you lose me?” he asks, brushing his thumb over my cheek to wipe a tear away.
“Because I?.?.?.” The words get lodged in my throat, but I push through. “I need us just to be friends again.”
“Summer, it’s okay.”
I lean into his hand. “I wish things were different.” I wish I could be different. That I didn’t feel what I feel for the stranger. That I?—
“No. You don’t,” Max says. There is no anger or frustration in his voice, but his words bring another moment of clarity. Is the desire to maintain the good Connor instilled in me also a lie?
I close my eyes. Fuck, everything is such a mess.
“This?.?.?.” he starts, gesturing between the two of us. “It helped us both. In ways I didn’t even know I needed.”
I open my eyes again and cover his hand on my cheek.
“Thank you,” he says with a soft smile, though I can still see a glimmer of pain in his eyes. “For putting me back together when I didn’t even know I was broken. I’ve been scared to let anyone close, to care about anyone. You’ve shown me that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. So thank you, Sum. ”
“And you helped me want to live again.” Max had been such a huge part of my grief journey, and it truly wouldn’t have been this gentle with anyone else. Having the safe space to move on has been a gift that I’ll never be able to repay.
The stranger wanted everything immediately, but Max somehow knew I was not capable of actually giving anything.
“Love you, Maxxy,” I say, and it’s true. I do love him, but unfortunately, I love him in the way I love Alice, in the way I love Rafe, not the way I love the stranger, and I never will. Max leans in to press a kiss to my forehead, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug.
“Love you too, Sum,” Max says, hugging me back. I hold him for a long moment, welcoming the familiar comfort.
“I should go, but I’ll see you later?” I ask, pulling back and smiling up at him. There is a tug in the center of my chest, and I know what I need. Stranger. I want to see him, feel him, hear him.
“Later.” Max nods.
I cup his cheek tenderly, knowing that while there is pain in his eyes just now, there will not always be. Because I am not Max’s, and never have been. Just like he is not mine, but he is someone’s. He is too special not to belong to another.
I kiss the corner of his lips before I leave the gym, breaking into a run the moment I am through the doors.
Tears are still sliding down my cheeks as I run through the forest, though I have no idea why.
When I arrive at our clearing, I’m surprised he’s not there.
I know I shouldn’t be. It’s early, and if he was watching me, he probably stopped when I went to the gym. I know I would have.
Trying to catch my breath, I sit on a fallen tree and think about him, about Max, about the pain I’ve caused. Sobs make my shoulders shake, and I cover my face, sobbing into my hands. I feel him appear next to me, and his arm wraps around my waist. Instinctively, I lean against him.
“I broke up with Max,” I say, though I’m not sure it’s accurate. Max and I were never together. Not really.
I feel him tense at the sound of his name, and then he relaxes. I pull back to look at him, and he brushes his knuckles along my cheek.
“I broke up with him,” I say again, unsure why he’s not reacted at all, but I can feel his uncertainty, his tension.
“Why? ”
I look down at where my nails are digging into my thighs. “Because you were right.” I meet his intense gaze. “He’s not?.?.?.” I swallow. “He was a safety net.”
“A safe space,” he says, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles.
“Safer than you because I?.?.?.” Fuck. “I’m feeling things for you. I have been for a very long time.”
“What now?” he asks, pulling me close.
I exhale. “Now?.?.?.” It’s time to stop hiding. “I need an end date.”
He pulls me onto his lap, and I wrap my arms around his neck, loving how well I fit against him.
“A year,” he says, knowing exactly what I mean. “The last obstacle is the biggest one.”
A year . . .
“Then, all right.”
“All right?” he asks, tilting his head.
I keep my gaze locked on him. “I’ll commit to you.” The words spill out, and I’m expecting the nerves, the nausea, but there is none of that. There is only that warm feeling inside me. The one I always get when I think of him. Even when I hated him.
There is a loud snap, and we’re no longer in the forest. The chilly winter air is replaced with the warmth of a fire. I know we’re in his room, and I know he’s sitting on his bed with me on top of him, but I can’t pull my eyes away, not even for a second.
“You’ll commit to me?” he asks. “Even though you don’t know who I am?”
I know it sounds stupid, but it’s time to stop pretending.
“Yes, and a year from today, if you’re still not in a position to tell me, you tell me anyway.”
He nods once. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
“Stranger,” I say, though my stomach flutters at the thought, my lips tingle, my core stokes. “I don’t want you to kiss or fuck me until I know who you are. Until you can kiss me with your lips.”
He growls, and it’s so deep and feral that my resolve shatters to nothing. “I was going to kiss you with my lips.”
My breath shallows out at the thought, and while I know I should say no, I can’t. Not at this moment, and while I know this is going to be my end, I say, “One kiss.”