Chapter Twenty
Harrison
“Honey, I know you’re upset, but don’t you think it would be good to get outside?”
My parents were worried, and I didn’t blame them. I’d graduated over a month ago, but I’d barely done anything but sleep and wallow in self-pity and shame since then.
The one time I’d gone to the grocery store for Mom, I’d had one of my former Sunday school teachers call me a ‘depraved pervert.’ Then the woman at the checkout was wearing a #TeamSadie shirt.
I’d felt like everyone was looking at me…
and they were. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that the whole town of Indigo Falls—the same town who’d loved me when I’d been a possible Heisman candidate—hated me.
They were all firmly on Sadie’s side. And why wouldn’t they be?
There was nothing about me to support. After that, I’d made up excuses to stay in.
I rolled over and looked out the window. I ignored what she’d asked me. “Do you remember when I broke my leg in high school?”
“Of course.” She sounded hesitant, like she wasn’t sure where I was going with this.
“Do you remember how Sadie would come sit with me?” I turned to look at her. “She brought me cupcakes and brownies. She sat and talked to me for hours. She read to me. She kept me up to date on all our subjects in school.”
Mom smiled. It was a sad smile. “She came every day.”
“I really screwed up, didn’t I?”
She was quiet for a moment, maybe not wanting to kick me while I was down.
“Yes, honey, you really did.” She walked over and stared out the window by my bed, arms crossed over her chest. “You know, I always thought you and Sadie would end up together. But I guess it’s good that you’ve learned your lesson. All actions have consequences.”
I closed my eyes. “You don’t think she’ll ever take me back?”
“No.”
Well, that was blunt. “I was thinking I could go see her. I’d give her a real apology and…”
“No,” she said again, shaking her head. “Absolutely not. That girl was broken when she came home. You are not to bother her anymore. If you want to apologize, you can send one letter. That’s it. If she wants to talk to you, she knows where to find you.”
I swallowed hard, thinking of how Candy had walked out of my hospital room as soon as the doctors said I wouldn’t have an NFL career.
Sadie had been the real deal. And I’d let her slip through my fingers. No, worse than that. I’d stomped all over her precious heart.
Because I was an asshole and thought I deserved to have lots of meaningless sex since I was a football star.
Mom sat on the edge of my bed and patted my arm. “I think you need to see someone.”
I gave her a mystified look. “You want me to start dating?”
She chuckled. “No. I want you to go to see a therapist. I have a couple of good names for people in Halliwell. You could ride over with your dad for a while.”
Dad’s car dealership was in Halliwell. I’d be joining him soon to help run it. I just… hadn’t had the energy lately.
I thought about arguing with Mom. But it wasn’t a bad idea to see a therapist.
***
I sat on the couch in the waiting room of the therapist’s office. I was horribly nervous. What if he hated me just like everyone else did?
Then he walked in, called my name, and I went into his office. After I was seated, I studied his appearance. I’d originally thought a female therapist might be better for me. They seemed like they’d be more caring. But Mom and Dad both had heard great things about this guy.
“Hello, Harrison. I’m Dr. Huntsberger.”
He smiled warmly at me and shook my hand.
“Sorry if I don’t stand, doc.” I gestured to the window, where the rain was coming down.
“The weather really gets to my leg.” My leg didn’t bother me most days.
But I’d found that the weather affected it, especially cold, rainy days.
For a while, I’d even had to use a cane to get up out of a deep chair on days like today. But that was rare now. Thank goodness.
He waved a hand. “Of course.” He walked over to his desk, grabbed his laptop, and then sat down in a comfy looking chair. Once he was settled, he asked me some basic questions and went over some screening paperwork I’d filled out. He told me the paperwork indicated mild depression.
“I’d like to try to treat it with talk therapy first, but if you still show signs of depression in a couple of months, I’ll recommend medication.”
I nodded. I wasn’t surprised by that.
“Okay. Now that we’re done with all of that, tell me what brings you in.”
I was quiet for a minute while I looked around his office.
He had a lot of calming items sitting around, from pictures of the ocean on the walls to mini fountains burbling in a couple of areas around the office.
I also noticed an aromatherapy diffuser that turned colors while putting out a soft lavender scent. It was nice. Tranquil.
“I guess the most obvious reason is my injury.”
“Tell me what happened.”
I told him, also bringing up the original injury in high school, how the injury happened and what the doctors had said.
“I can’t play football anymore.” I think it was the first time I’d actually said the words. I’d heard them said many times, but I thought it was probably a big step that I’d volunteered the information.
“And what does that mean to you?”
“I had to come up with a new life plan. I had assumed I’d play in the NFL one day. That’s not going to happen.”
He nodded.
We talked about it some more, and I found myself feeling better the more I talked about it. So far, therapy seemed magical. I didn’t understand why talking about my problems to a person who didn’t know me helped, but it seemed to.
“When you first talked about why you were here, you said ‘the obvious reason’ was because of the football injury. Is there another reason that comes to mind?”
I nodded. “I… cheated on my girlfriend.” To my surprise, I felt the prick of tears behind my eyes.
He took that in, a non-judgmental look on his face. “Why?”
I blew out a breath. “I’m not totally sure. I think maybe it was a lot of reasons.” I winced. “But the worst one is that I felt entitled to cheat.”
“Why is that?” Dr. Huntsberger asked.
“Because I was the best football player on campus and one of the best quarterbacks in the nation. I was already regretting that I’d met Sadie so young.
I wanted to have sex with lots of women, experiment, try things, get all of that out of my system before settling down.
But I did meet her young, so that was out of the question.
” I got a small smile on my face. “I loved her. I thought I was going to marry her. But I went and wrecked it all.”
He crossed his legs at the ankle and adjusted his glasses. “And how did you wreck it all?”
“Well, I was already jealous that the other guys on the team were with different girls every night. Then it got worse. I had to stay at school for summer practices, and Sadie went home for the summer. All my fraternity brothers were also getting with different girls every night of the week. Or at least it seemed that way. I felt like I should have the chance to fuck around, you know? I was only nineteen at the time, there were beautiful girls all around me, and they were throwing themselves at me. Especially one girl in particular. Finally, I took her up on the offer.”
I looked up at him nervously, afraid I’d see judgment or disgust in his eyes. But I didn’t. He just looked… calm.
“And why not break up with your girlfriend first? It’s not necessarily wrong to want to be with multiple, willing partners when you’re young and exploring your sexuality and your options.” He studied my face. “But it is wrong to cheat on someone you supposedly love.”
“I… well, I didn’t want to break up with her.
I loved Sadie. I still do. But she wasn’t there, and I wanted to have sex.
And this girl, Aubrey, that was there with me was always bringing sex up.
She talked about it, offered it, told me I should have all the sex I wanted, and so on.
” I looked at him. “She even had sex in front of me, trying to lure me into having sex with her.”
He studied my face. “Who do you think is to blame for your cheating?”
I sighed. “I think it’s multiple people. Sadie, Aubrey, me…”
“Sadie?” He frowned. “That was the girlfriend you cheated on, correct?”
“Yes. She went home that summer to work so that she could pay her sorority dues, afford pretty dresses for formals, and that kind of thing. I made so much money from my NIL deal. I told her I wanted her to stay with me for the summer. I told her I would pay for all of that stuff she needed. But she wanted to make her own money and be independent.” I shrugged.
“If she’d been there, I wouldn’t have cheated. ”
“You’re blaming her for the fact you cheated?”
My hands were starting to sweat a little, and I wiped them on my pants.
“Well, not exactly. But she had to know it was risky. I mean, girls were throwing themselves at me. There was no way I could stay faithful with all that was going on around me. And, like I said, I felt like I deserved to fuck around a little because of who I was, you know?”
“Since you were a good football player you thought it was okay to be a bad boyfriend?”
I was silent. When he put it like that, it made me seem very shallow, very egotistical. I cleared my throat. “You don’t think Sadie was to blame at all, do you?”
“No, I don’t.” He rubbed his chin. “A woman in a committed relationship should expect to be able to be away from her boyfriend without him cheating on her.”
I looked down at my feet. He was right. I’d been holding on to this feeling that Sadie was partly to blame because it made me feel better about myself.
Deep down, I knew it was wrong. But hearing him say it out loud in such a straightforward tone really hit me.
I was finally able to admit to myself that Sadie had done absolutely nothing wrong.
“Who else did you say was to blame?”
I looked back up at him, almost scared to talk about it anymore. But surely, he’d agree Aubrey was partly to blame.
“Well, there was Aubrey. She was doing everything she could for months to get me to have sex with her. She seduced me, you know?” I looked at him, expecting to see him nodding his head. He wasn’t.
“When she seduced you, as you say, were you forced to remain in her company?”
“What do you mean?”
“You couldn’t leave when she was offering sex?”
“Oh. Um…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “No. I could’ve left. But she followed me everywhere.”
“And you told her to stay away from you? You reminded her you had a girlfriend you loved?”
Shit. I was really getting the sense he didn’t think it was Aubrey’s fault, either.
“Not really. In fact,” I said slowly, “we were friends. I took a bunch of classes with her. We started hanging out all the time. We’d go to dinner and lunch together.
I… started canceling plans with Sadie in order to stay with Aubrey longer. ”
“I see. It sounds like you were sending this girl mixed messages. And did you understand what Aubrey wanted from you?”
“Yeah,” I said reluctantly. “Sadie actually warned me about her. Aubrey was known around campus for breaking people up just for the hell of it, actually.”
“And you knew that when you remained friends with her?”
I nodded.
“And yet you still made the choice to have sex with her.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
“Do you see the distinction we made there? She offered you sex, and it sounds like she didn’t want to hear the word no. But you had choices. Sadie left for the summer, and you thought it was unrealistic that she expected you to stay faithful for the weeks you were apart.”
I nodded.
“Let me ask you this: did you expect Sadie to be faithful to you during that same stretch of time?”
“Of course,” I said, horrified at the thought of her cheating.
He consulted his notes. “I see here that Sadie was a beautiful girl who was talented enough as a cheerleader to make the squad at a huge university when she was a freshman. It sounds like she was a pretty big deal, too. Yet you expected her to remain loyal to you while you ‘fucked around,’ right?”
I swallowed hard. “I see what you’re saying.” I hadn’t ‘deserved’ to cheat any more than Sadie had. Yet she’d remained totally loyal to me.
“Who do you think is really responsible for your cheating?”
“Me.” I was reluctant to say it because I didn’t want it to be true.
It would be so much easier to blame someone else.
But the truth was that I had made the choice to mess around with Aubrey instead of distancing myself from her.
I made the choice not to break up with Sadie even though I had known deep down I would probably sleep with Aubrey.
I admitted these things to him, and he smiled. “You were pretty quick to come around to accepting blame. Sounds like you’ve already thought about this.”
I gave him a half smile. “I guess so. Maybe I did it without even realizing it. I had a lot of time to think. First, I was going through rehab and physical therapy on my leg. Then I went back to school where I discovered who my real friends were. Spoiler alert… I didn’t have any.
They all transferred to UGA with Sadie. And since graduation?
I’ve been cooped up in bed, staring out my window.
I’ve had plenty of time to think about what I’ve done wrong. ”
He stood up. “I think this is a good place to stop. We made a lot of progress today, and I hope to see you next week if you plan to continue therapy with me.”
“I do.”
“Just make an appointment on your way out, then. And I’ll see you next week.”
I left the office feeling lighter than I had in months. Yes, it hurt to accept complete responsibility for cheating on Sadie. But it was past time for me to do so.
Therapy was going to help me get my life back on track. I could feel it.