Chapter Twenty-Four #2
And there was a hardness to her eyes I didn’t recognize. It gave me a little chill. She seemed to look at the world warily, as if she expected people to hurt her. I closed my eyes briefly and wished I could punch myself in the face without looking like a total lunatic.
I had done that. I’d taken the sweetest, happiest girl and turned her into a cautious woman full of distrust.
I wanted to cry, and I knew I’d have more fodder for Dr. Huntsberger this coming week in therapy.
She laughed and danced over to the DJ stand with Carrie, Blair, and their husbands. Melinda and Drake had been rushed off to the side already to make a grand entrance.
Melinda’s mom lined us all up. I could tell from the look on Sadie’s face that she thought she’d be walking in solo.
“And here’s Harrison, dear,” Melinda’s mom said, pushing Sadie toward me before walking off to handle something else.
“What?” she asked, looking confused.
And then she saw me. I smiled nervously as her lips parted and her face turned pink.
A collage of emotions ran across her face, and it was difficult to catch any of them it happened so fast. I thought I saw horror, disgust, anger, and a broken look I never wanted to see again.
But for just a flash, I thought I saw… interest.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” she said.
“Surprise,” I did jazz hands trying to joke.
She didn’t think it was funny. She turned away from me, and I saw her take a couple of deep breaths.
“If it would be better for you if I left, I’ll do it,” I said putting my hand on her shoulder.
She jerked away from my touch as if I’d poured acid on her. That didn’t feel great. “No,” she hissed. “They can’t know that there’s any animosity between us. I don’t want our ancient history to negatively affect their joy at all. Do you understand?”
“Of course. But I don’t feel any animosity towards you Sadie…”
She snorted. “Why would you? I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. That’s all on you, bud.” With that she crossed her arms over her chest, her very nice chest, and seemed to close the discussion.
“You’re absolutely right. I’ve regretted it every day since. It is all on me.”
She turned to look at me through narrowed eyes as if she didn’t quite believe that I was taking full responsibility for my actions.
“I’m so sorry for all the hurt I caused.”
She studied my face. “You know, I think you might actually mean that.”
“I do,” I said softly. “I completely lost myself for a while. I let sudden fame go right to my head, and I became someone I couldn’t look at in the mirror for a couple of years. But I’ve been working on myself ever since.”
She looked skeptical. “How?”
“You might not remember, but the last time I saw you I was in therapy. Well, I still am. It turned out that it was as much about you and what I’d done to you as it was about the end of my dream to play in the NFL.”
Her eyes widened in surprise, but before she could ask me about it, the DJ called our names.
I took her hand and led her to the dance floor.
The entire tent had gone silent when our names were called.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.
Everyone in our town knew the history between Sadie and me.
***
Later, I was standing off to the side of the tent drinking a beer and people watching.
There weren’t a lot of people who wanted to hang out with me, and I wasn’t shocked.
People were nice enough, giving me hesitant smiles and sometimes a casual wave.
But very few stopped to talk. So, when Parker Bridges walked up and gave me a bro hug, I didn’t try to get away from him.
I’d always thought he was a class A douche, but at least he was willing to be seen talking to me.
“What’s up, Parker?”
“Man, it is good to see you back in town,” he said enthusiastically.
My eyebrows went up. We’d never been close. “Really?”
“Sure! I always wanted to know the real story behind everything that went down between you and Sadie, that hot girl from the sex videos, the end of your career—just all of that.”
Okay. So, he was still a class A douche. “I don’t enjoy talking about any of that.” I took a pull from my beer and looked for an excuse to get away from him.
“Ah, come on. Just a couple of questions.”
I sighed. “Fine.”
“How much better in bed was that hot chick than Sadie?”
I paused with my beer bottle halfway to my mouth. “Are you serious? You’re actually asking me that?”
“I want to know,” he shrugged.
“Well, first of all, you’re an asshole. Second of all, there was no contest. Hands down, Sadie was superior to that awful girl in every way.”
“Every way?” he asked suggestively and waggled his eyebrows.
“Every. Single. Way.” I said, getting right in his face.
“Whoa, buddy.” He held up his hands and backed up, laughing. “I can see I stepped on your toes. I’ll just let you cool off.” He gave a chin nod to someone behind me.
I turned around to see Sadie standing there. Shit. “Did you hear that?”
“All of it,” she said quietly. She walked over to stand beside me. “Did you mean what you said?”
I frowned. “Of course.”
“It’s just…” she looked away, her face turning pink.
I waited on her, not wanting to rush her or push her to talk to me even though I was dying to know what she was asking me.
She squared her shoulders and looked back at me, her eyes cool. “I just assumed over the years that she was better at certain things than I was. That you thought she was sexier, hotter.”
I shook my head. “No. I was such a fool after all the attention I got went to my head. I thought because she was offering me certain things, the sex would be… better.” I hated causing the look of hurt that flashed across her face, but I didn’t want to lie to her.
I’d done enough of that in the past. “It wasn’t.
It was just different. And sex without love left me feeling hollow and empty.
I think I tried to fill that emptiness with even more sex, but it didn’t work.
Sex with you, sex when love was involved, was everything, Sadie.
It was so much better. The chemistry, the act itself, the intimacy, wanting to hold you afterwards.
As soon as I was done with that girl, I was done.
I didn’t want to touch her. I just wanted her to leave. ”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You were convinced sex with a lot of other people would be amazing. You were wrong?”
I nodded. “Completely. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this.
Most people have sex way before they meet the person they’re going to fall in love with.
Until they meet that person, the sex seems great.
But after they’re with the one they love, sex with others is never going to feel as satisfying or great again.
I just happened to be with someone I loved first.”
“And being with her didn’t feel as satisfying or good or whatever?” Sadie crossed her arms as if she was protecting herself from what I might say.
“No one else has ever felt like what we had,” I admitted. “No one.”
Sadie’s lips parted, and I found myself staring at her mouth. I leaned in without thinking, as if I was drawn to her like a magnet.
Her eyes widened and she stepped back. “I… I have to go. Thanks for answering my questions.” And with that, she turned on her heel and disappeared into the crowded tent.
I stood there feeling bereft, like I’d lost her all over again. I knew that was ridiculous. I didn’t have her now, and I knew I never would again. But I was still feeling the loss of her all these years later.
I wished I had a time machine. I’d go back and change every stupid decision I’d made my freshman, sophomore, and junior years of college.
But that wasn’t possible. I couldn’t undo the hurt I’d caused; I could only try to heal it.