5. Chapter 4
Chapter 4
Katherine
I ’m thankful for getting through customs and security quickly, because frankly, I’m exhausted. Like if someone knocked into me right now and I fell over, I’d probably just lie down and take a nap.
I never really understood how sitting on a plane can make you feel so tired, but I haven’t travelled anywhere in seven years, and my body can tell.
I’m so excited when I lock eyes with Ella beyond the doors in arrivals that I can hardly keep it together. If I wasn’t lugging two heavy suitcases behind me, I’d run to her—but I am. I see her let out a little laugh watching me struggle. The nervousness that had been twisting in my stomach for the last five hours of my flight loosens a little.
I throw my suitcases to the side before I reach her, the noise of them hitting the ground are muffled by the sounds of the busy airport. I run into her arms that are already open, welcoming me.
“Honey, I’m so glad to see you,” she tells me, and I’m sure that she means it. Any last bit of worry that I had about her not wanting to see me, or that I was imposing on her space, washes away as we share a hug.
She smells like sunshine, she always has—maybe it’s this country; I’d like to think that will rub off on me a little. She’s got some more wrinkles around her eyes like Mom does, and it’s another reminder for how long it’s been since I’ve seen her. The red hair we share is a little duller on her side.
Everyone used to say I was the spitting image of her growing up, and seeing her now, I hope that’s true, she’s fifty-three now and doesn’t look a day over forty. I’ll be lucky to look that good.
“Me too,” I tell her as I pull away and pick up my two suitcases again.
“You know I already have a kitchen sink right?” She laughs and I wonder for a moment if it’s actually her and Mom who are related. She beams her bright smile at me making me feel at home before I’m even out of the airport.
Before we leave the airport, we make a quick stop at one of the stands selling phone sim cards and get me one that I can just renew each month. I change it out and quickly text Mom to tell her that I’ve landed, and I do the same for Bella and Nick.
It’s not long until we’re passing the ‘Welcome to Gull’s Bay’ sign and I start to smile as I look out the window. I kinda forgot how charming it is. It’s not a huge city but it’s not a dinky town either; it's the perfect in-between. It would take you half an hour to drive from one side to the other but would only take about ten minutes to walk through the town centre.
The beach stretches a good while along the coast of the town, that’s where Ella’s shop is. There’s beautiful houses with stairs that lead you down on to the path that runs along the beach. We stayed in one that was a B I can’t see his eyes from this far away but I imagine they light up when he smiles like that. He’s laughing as he races in front of a group of teens trailing behind him, all of them with surfboards tucked under their arms.
“And that’s James,” Ella explains, bringing me out of my own mind.
“What, sorry?” My head spins back to her, knowing I’ve been caught.
A laugh slips from her lips. “The blonde you’re ogling. His name is James, and he works in the shop.” He drops his board near the sea and gets them to line up in front of him.
He works for Ella? Surely, I would have met him before. “I was not…ogling.” I turn back to look at her, and what I see is a smug smile pulling on her lips, there is a clear view of the hole I’ve just dug for myself.
“Sure, Kat, whatever you say.” Her smile doesn’t waver for a second, and despite what we’re talking about it’s nice to be able to talk to her like this.
But I’m not here to flirt with beautiful blonde surfers, as much as I might like to, and she knows that. “I was not, you know that’s not why I’m here, Aunt Ella. ”
Her smile fades just enough for me to know she’s going to say the same thing as my mom, they’re far too similar for my own good. “Just promise me one thing.” Or maybe she’s more like my dad than I think . “Can you just, how do I say this… have a good time?”
My eyebrows knit together. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I know why you're here, but don’t just go running up to every guy you meet and throw your stone at him.”
I can’t help but laugh, I’m not one hundred percent sure how I’m going to find my soulmate in a city of five million. But I know I will not be throwing my stone at every guy I remotely have something in common with.
“I’m being serious,” she protests while also laughing.
I take a breath. “I know, Ella.” I think for a minute, think about what she’s saying, about what Mom said before I left too and about what Dad said to me that last day. Something makes me wonder if maybe they're all right.
Maybe I can’t force my soulmate to show up. Maybe I have to just let it happen. I’ve put myself in the best place for that but maybe it’s all part of the big soulmate ‘plan’.
“Tell you what,” I start as I move my hair out the way and reach behind my neck unclasping the necklace I have on. “You hold on to this.” I place the stone and chain in her hand and she wraps her fingers tight around it.
Maybe I do need to just live my life, I’ve spent so much time being scared of a future I can’t control. Anxious about all the things I do or don’t do, about every mistake I've made or going to make, about… everything. Grieving for my dad and the future he doesn't get to have, while also selfishly grieving the future I don’t get to have with him.
Maybe it is time I just kinda lived. Bella would say I need to step into the spotlight, but that seems a bit bright and scary. Maybe I can try doing things a little differently for a change .
My neck feels odd, naked. I look down and feel where my stone would normally lay. Six years, that’s how long it’s been sitting there. I feel almost a little cold without it.
“You sure about this, sweetheart?” She moves it around in her hand.
No , would be the honest answer, because I’m not. I haven’t taken that thing off to shower or to sleep, ever. I was always too scared of losing it or something happening to it or walking into my soulmate and having no idea it was them because I didn’t have it on, it was too much of a risk for me. I just couldn’t do it, couldn’t trust myself to know it was them. Even thinking about it now, even with it still in my view, my stomach churns and my mouth goes dry. I know this is the right thing to do, but it just feels like a part of me has been taken away.
“Just keep it safe, okay? Until I want it again.” I know that she will, but that knot of worry in my chest starts itself up again; it feels like it never really goes away.
“Okay,” is all she says, and then wraps her arm around me, pulling me gently so my head leans on her shoulder and we sit like that for what seems like forever.
Eventually, we get up, and walk back to the car. She tells me multiple times on the drive back to her place that it’s my house too, but that seems a bit weird right now. Ella, she feels like home, and I feel safe with her, but this isn’t my home. My home is back in New York with my mom, home is where Dad was. I have to blink away tears just thinking about it on the drive over.
“And this is your room.” She flings the door open to what I remembered was the guest room the last time I was here. As I step in, my eyes grow wide, it’s been completely redone and is stunning.
I roll my two suitcases in and abandon them next to the bed, my eyes sticking on what used to be a set of windows that have now been replaced for a charming set of French doors that led to the back garden. Throwing them open I notice that the decking that used to just run along where Ella's room is, now stretches and runs along the whole back of the house.
Between my set of doors, and the French doors connected to Ella's room, is a cute metal set of blue chairs with a vintage looking table that looked a lot more beat up the last time I saw it. It’s a pastel green now that compliments the chairs.
Her garden is as immaculate as ever. The trees that separate her garden from the house behind hers are taller than they were seven years ago, just another reminder of how long it’s been.
“I thought that maybe when the weather's warm enough, we could have breakfast out here together. I sorted the table so you could write out here if you wanted.” Her voice comes from behind me and I’m in some kind of shock.
“Ella, it’s…” I’m at a loss for words as I turn back around to see her standing in the doorway. “Thank you,” is all I really know to say as I give her another hug.
Taking me in for god knows how long, and then her doing all these little things for me. To make me feel more at home, more comfortable, it’s almost too much for my heart to take but I refuse to get overly emotional about a room and outdoor furniture.
“I’m going to run to the shop and grab some bits for dinner,” she says, pulling away from me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “I won’t be gone too long. Will you be okay?” The worry in her eyes is sweet but unnecessary.
“Ella, honestly, I’m going to unpack, and then probably nap.” I let out a laugh, trying to reassure her.
She looks me over, almost like she’s convinced that I might be gone when she gets back. I smile at her with hopes that it lets her know I’ll be here. She lets out a little sigh and nods her head. “Okay. ”
The layout of the room makes me happy in a weird ‘I like making the most of a space’ kind of way. Truthfully, the room is pretty big, maybe only a little smaller than the one I have in New York. The bed’s on the left when you walk into the room, up against the corner, a night stand next to it. Neatly in the space between the door frame and bed.
On the right is the wardrobe and long chest of drawers with nothing on it. I have no doubt that within a couple of weeks I will buy enough knick-knacks to cover the whole thing.
I put the picture of Mom, Dad, and me on my nightstand, and one of Bella, Nick, and me, too.
She’s even put a desk in the room, between the wall and where the French doors start. She has truly thought of everything.
I pull my laptop out of my backpack and set it down on it, along with a couple of notepads I brought with me, and of course no trip is complete without a couple of romance novels.
I really hope there are bookstores nearby, I already finished one on the flight here.
I spend the next hour or so unpacking and hanging my things in the wardrobe and folding up the rest to put things into my chest of drawers. Once everything is out of my suitcases, I slide them under the bed and finally fling myself onto my bed and let out a big sigh.
This is it . The start of my big adventure. It’s been four years in the making, and I’m finally here. My ever present knot in my stomach squeezes me tightly just to remind me it’s still there and to not get too excited or comfortable.
I have no idea what I’m going to do, where I’m going to start or if this whole thing will be a complete waste of time. I pull the blanket up over my head and pretend I’m not over thinking everything for once and eventually I fall asleep for a jet lag nap.
The next day I’m so tired and my body is so jet lagged, all I can bring myself to do is just hang around Ella’s house. I nap every now and again, and spend the rest of the time that I’m actually awake reading out on the patio once I decide I need some fresh air.
But as the jet leg lingers, Ella decides to wake me up at 8 a.m. the following day and tells me that I just have to push through it or I’ll always be off the clock. She’s right but technically I’m in the future and I’m very confused by it all.
“Come on kid, get dressed. I’ll make breakfast, and then I’ll take you to the shop,” she tells me, planting a mug of coffee down on the nightstand. I watch as her face falls seeing the picture of Dad, but it’s only for a second. Almost as if I imagined it completely. When she turns back to me, she’s wearing a bright smile.
She walks back to the door but before leaving, she notices I haven’t moved at all.
“Katherine, up, dress, you can do this.” I groan in response and sit up turning and dangling my legs off the bed. She closes the door behind her and I find my body moving all on its own.
My brain is definitely telling my body to stay in bed but instead I’m moving towards the French door throwing the curtains open to see the day ahead.
The sun shines bright, even though it’s still early, the clouds are sparse across the sky. I push the doors open and test the temperature outside, the sun warms my skin and then a breeze hits me a second later, bringing goosebumps to the surface on my arms.
Turning, I pull the doors of my wardrobe open. Okay, Katherine, you can do this. You can make a good impression on these people. You can make friends with these people.
God, what if they hate me?
What if they think I look terrible or that I’m annoying or that I’m weird?
What does one wear for this occasion ?
I scan the items in my wardrobe for help but nothing stands out to me. If Bella was here she’d know exactly what to put me in. Something that makes it seem like I’m nice and like I’m not a total nervous wrack.
You are nice, my brain tries to remind me.
She’s right, I am, and I’m sure I’ll make a good impression. I just need to pick something to make sure they don’t hate me.
A green dress catches my eye. I pull it out and hold it in front of me.
Green, a good colour for my hair. It’s sweet looking, with some kind of floral pattern on it, and that surely can’t be a bad thing. It’s a short dress, but on me, it comes just above my knees. I wonder how much of a tourist I’ll look to them in it and decide quite a lot.
But I’m out of time, so I pull it on anyway.
“This is my niece Katherine,” Ella tells the pretty blonde girl standing behind the counter at the shop.
I can’t quite believe the shop I’m standing in right now is even the same one from seven years ago. I think it’s the high ceilings and all the windows, it’s so light and welcoming, you feel like you’re still outside. I remember when I was a kid and it was just a little shed on the beachfront. Ella sold surfboards and taught lessons to a few people here and there.
Now it’s all exposed wood and white walls, surfboards stacked up all over. It’s changed so much but still so Ella in every little way. The mismatched countertops, the hand painted sign on the front of the till counter, down to the little ‘Ella’s Surf Shop’ stickers in a bowl in front of me .
As far as I know, it's just Ella, the blonde girl in front of me, James, and Gregg. Ella’s known Gregg since moving to the town, so he’s been here every time we visited.
The girl behind the counter hasn’t stopped smiling since we came in and I think it’s actually creeping me out a little. Maybe it’s because people in New York don’t smile this much at strangers, maybe the sunshine makes you happier here?
She could also be one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen in my life. Her skin has a beautiful all-over glowing tan, one that us pale city girls could only dream of, which tells me she was probably born and raised here. Her hair is a dark blonde shade with amazing natural highlights bleached by the sun that makes her features stand out even more as her hair falls around her face. She looks like some kind of goddess. Even in her ‘Ella’s Surf Shop’ work t-shirt and denim shorts, I could only wish to look so beautiful.
As she comes around the counter, I put my hand out to shake hers which she completely ignores bringing me in for a tight hug. Yep, the air must be different on this side of the world.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Katherine. I’m Maddie,” she tells me, her voice is as bubbly as her appearance. “Ella’s told us so much about you.”
I like her already, she’s like a breath of fresh air quite literally. Maddie is definitely some of the sunshine I’ve been missing.
As she pulls away from me I hear a bell ring from above the shop door and time kind of stops.
Turning towards the door I see one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen.
It’s the same guy from the other day on the beach, Ella told me he worked in the shop so I knew I’d meet him properly at some point. But standing this close to him, even from across the shop, is a little intoxicating. From far away the other day he looked like any blonde surf guy you’d see.
He’s the tallest man I’ve ever seen, which is probably a bit of over statement. His skin glows with a sun kissed tan, I assume is from all the days spent out on the water. The t-shirt he’s wearing clings to his well defined arms, the fabric flexing with every moment as he moves closing the door behind him. Black tattoos snake up his arms, disappearing under his sleeve and peeking out again around the collar. His hair, still damp and curling at the ends, frames his face with the sun bleached strands and stops at his jaw. Which of course just draws my attention to his face.
His eyes pierce into mine as I realise he’s doing the exact same thing to me that I’ve just done to him. It instantly makes me feel self conscious in my dress, in my skin. His eyes rake over me like I’m in my underwear.
“Ogling,” Ella whispers in my ear as I notice he’s actually walking over to me. “James,” she says, her voice high and happy, but also on edge. She moves from me, and brings him in for a hug. His face changes when she’s looking at him. He smiles and hugs her back like I would with my mom. He towers over her, as I imagine he does with everyone. “My niece, Katherine, I told you about,” she explains, gesturing to me with her hand.
“Hi.” My voice comes out small and I don’t even recognise it all that much. I can feel my hands sweating in a way they didn’t with Maddie. I discreetly wipe them on my dress and then put one out for him. He, just like Maddie, completely ignores it but not to hug, he just looks at it like I’ve handed him a live bomb.
“Ah, the romantic?” The side of his mouth twists up a little and I don’t like it.
I scoff. “Excuse me?” My voice comes out a lot flatter this time, I’m proud of myself for that. No man, no matter how beautiful, talks to me like I’m some book he’s judging the shit out of its cover. It’s his tone, I know exactly what he means by it, I’ve heard it a million times before.
“Kat will be working in the shop for… ” Ella pauses looking back over at me, not that he breaks eye contact with me at any point.
I finally peel my eyes away from him. “I haven’t booked a return ticket yet.” Maddie’s smile grows bigger and James’ frown deepens so much I worry he’ll never be able to get it out.
If I had any question about them knowing why I’m here, he’s answered them. That’s got to be why he’s looking at me like he’d love nothing more than for me to leave or maybe it’s something else. I haven’t known the guy for more than five seconds, I don't think even I can make that much of a bad impression on him that quickly.
“James, I need to talk to you about the kids' class tomorrow,” Ella says and they both move away from the counter and closer to the front of the store.
She told me James teaches most of the lessons now that she’s getting older; apparently he’s great with the younger kids but considering the way he just talked to me, I’m not sure he’s good with humans in general.
“Don’t mind him, he’s a bit of a grump,” Maddie tells me as she comes to stand in front of me bringing me back. “He’s also rubbish with new people, give him a minute.” She smiles again and it’s like it lights up the whole store. Maybe she’s his girlfriend?
I won’t say anything to Ella, or my mom, or to Bella for that matter, but god am I scared. Terrified that I’ve made a mistake or I am rushing this. Nothing is really all that certain when it comes to soulmates and moving across the world to find mine sounds ridiculous to some people. I look at Maddie and wonder if she’ll think the same.
Do I tell her? It’s not that I’m really one to keep my cards close to my chest but really I’m one to keep them hidden under lock and key .
I grew up with anxiety running my life. When I was little, I guess maybe it was cute in a Aww little Katherine’s worried about the world kind of way. But then when I hit about twelve years old, it got so much worse. I remember being laughed at on the subway by a group of girls at my school and not being able to leave the apartment for a week. I’d have a panic attack every time I thought someone was talking about me or laughing at me. That’s when Dad got me an appointment with a therapist. Turned out he dealt with the same when he was younger, too. He told me he had it under control by the time he was in his twenties but he still had days when he wanted to pull the covers over his head and stop the world.
It was nice in a strange way to have someone who didn’t think I’d completely lost my mind because I felt like I had. I felt like every little thing was the end of the world. The panic attacks were the worst when my mind wouldn’t or couldn’t stop. It felt like having a million little Katherine’s in my head shouting and screaming at once and like having a heart attack all at the same time but Dad was there every time. Even now when I feel like it might happen, I listen to one of his old voicemails or videos, and it helps. It’s like having him next to me again, reminding me to breathe.
It helped, and Mom was so understanding when things took me longer, or on days when all I wanted to do was cry, even now. When Dad passed, it all spiked back up again; I felt like little twelve year old Katherine again going into that therapist office for the first time. We slept on the couch for days because I just couldn’t bear to be on my own. She left me little post-it notes all over the apartment when she started going back to work to remind me to do all kind of basic things that my brain just didn’t have space to remind me to do, things like making sure I ate a meal and drank some water.
I’m not nearly as bad now as I used to be but I’m left with the emotional and mental scars of it all. It still affects my everyday decisions; what I wear, what I say, where I feel like I can go. I still hate big groups of people and I still hate new places but I’m better at pushing myself to do these things even if my heart is pounding out my chest, my hands are sweating and I feel like I might be sick. I can convince myself I’m not in any real danger.
I think I have Nick and Bella to thank for that a bit. Bella’s the best at saying, No, Katherine, this place will not be scary , and making me believe her. She won’t leave me either. If we went to a party I was stressed about, she’d be by my side the whole time until I told her I was okay. Nick’s better when I one hundred percent can not leave the house and go out. He makes me laugh when I really want to cry and he’ll even put up with watching Disney movies when he’s more of a horror movie guy.
I’m lucky really, even with it all.
Even with my anxiety bringing a boat load of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
I’m always worried about what people will think or say, or not say, or say to other people.
Maddie's hand landing on my shoulder makes me realise I’m staring at Ella and James and that my eyes have started to water. “Let me show you around the shop a bit more if you’re going to be working here.” She beams at me, nodding her head towards what I can only assume is the stockroom.
I blink my eyes a couple of times and smile back at her, though I’m sure mine will never be as bright as hers.