16. Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Katherine
P osted 21st October 2024 08:19
Having your birthday in a different country is weird.
Every birthday after Dad died has been weird but there’s something different about this one.
When he passed, I didn’t really want to celebrate any more, not mine anyway; it just kinda felt off without him. Dad was a big birthday guy. The party, the decorations, the presents, the surprises. Mom tried her best to carry it on but we both knew it just wasn’t the same, it wasn’t her fault, it was just the way it was.
So after that, we just kept it low-key. Apart from my twenty-first, nothing was going to stop Bella and Nick from taking me out and making a whole thing about it. They had been twenty-one for about four months before me and they both acted like such ‘experts’ all night.
Birthdays just felt like another thing he was going to miss out on, and I was too. I wouldn’t get another home baked cake by him or another birthday breakfast of pancakes full of rainbow sprinkles.
Another year he missed out on, another year of hoping I’m making him proud, another year of wondering where I’d be if he was still here holding my hand.
And this ones no different.
Happy birthday to me.
I miss you, Dad.
I close my laptop and slide to the foot of the bed. I feel weird, I know I should be happy, it’s my birthday after all. But for the past seven years, I’ve felt like there is such pressure put on birthdays like they should be this amazing day and it’s never as good as you want it to be. For me, I put on a brave face and pretend it’s not the worst day of the year for me. Somehow my birthday makes me feel even worse than the anniversary of his death.
It might sound weird, but I asked Ella if I could work today; she gave me a look but didn’t ask why and put me on the schedule for the late shift. I’ve heard her moving around in the kitchen for about an hour now and I’ve had a sick feeling building the whole time.
I throw open the curtains that look out into the back yard, strangely it’s overcast for a change. I want to put off stepping out of my room for as long as possible but I know Ella wants to go to the shop and I don’t want whatever she’s done to go to waste. I’m so grateful for her and everything she’s done and continues to do.
A knock on my door makes me turn around, Ella standing in my doorway bringing a smile to my face uncontrollably. “Happy Birthday, darling.” She sings holding a cake that looks hand iced and with a few candles dotted around. I blink quickly to stop myself from crying in front of her. “Now blow them out before they ruin the cake.”
It’s super predictable what my birthday wish is every year. It’s been the same for most of my life. I wish to find my soulmate. There were a few years when I wished for Dad to get better, and one year when I wished I’d be a secret princess, like in The Princess Diaries .
Needless to say, none of my birthday wishes have ever come true but that doesn’t stop me closing my eyes and blowing out my candles and wishing all the same.
I wish to find my soulmate.
Except this year when I close my eyes it’s James’ face that I see and I don’t know what to make of that. So I open them as quickly as I closed them to look at the cake Ella made.
It’s even cuter up close, she’s piped little flowers on it with my name. She pulls me out into the kitchen and it’s like I’ve been kicked in the gut; I’ve stepped back in time to when Dad was still here. I hang in the doorway for a minute before I can even bring myself to check what’s sat on the plate on the breakfast bar.
Balloons scatter the room, a big banner hangs over the window, presents litter the bar but the real icing on top of this birthday cake is the rainbow sprinkle pancakes with strawberries on top looking back at me when I walk forward. A tear slips down my cheek and I don’t want to cry when she’s clearly put so much work in, but god, she’s making it hard to keep it together.
“I know birthdays aren’t quite the same any more, I get that, but I still wanted to do something.” She’s holding a stack of three books with a ribbon around them tied in a bow at the top. I can see their crisp edges and I can’t wait to open them up and smell that new book smell. The cute cartoon cover at the top matches all the other romance books I have in my room already.
“Ella, this is…” I’m not sure I have words for it, coming from her it almost feels like it’s coming from Dad in a weird way. Like she’s a part of him and she’s giving me that piece for a day. “It’s perfect.” I smile at her pulling her in for a hug, squishing the books in-between us.
When we pull away from each other I notice the few stray tears on her face and she must see the same thing on my face too. “Come on, no more tears today, those pancakes will go cold if you leave them. ”
We talk while we eat and Ella tells me about the birthdays Dad used to put together for her when she was kid. It’s another little nugget of information I tuck away in my brain and it makes me feel like he’s closer to me for a minute. I open the parcel and cards that have come from America. One from Mom, who called me last night because she knew the time difference would mean she wouldn’t speak to me until the afternoon. She sent money to my bank account so I could get myself something. The parcel is from Nick and Bella, a care package full of all of my favourite snacks I’ve been missing, Cheetos, Reese’s, a few different bars of Hershey’s, Twinkies, etc. and a beautiful gold dress with a note attached.
I saw this in a store and couldn’t not get it for you, make sure you make a reason to wear it - Bella xx
I’m not sure there would possibly be a reason for me to wear it here, but I love it anyway. It’s gold satin, with spaghetti straps and a deep V neckline that pulls in at the waist and flows back out again touching just above my knees. My hair seems even brighter against the fabric. My face finally has a glow it only gets in the sun, my freckles seem to have multiplied. I look different on the outside from when I first arrived. Am I any different on the inside?
Ella left a little while ago for the shop and after thinking about it I put on a bikini, grabbed a wetsuit from the plethora that Ella owns, and headed to the beach.
The drive is quite and honestly probably one of the first times I’ve actually driven since I’ve been here. I can hear the waves draw closer and closer and it’s like being called by a friend now. I never thought I’d find anything as calm as the hustle of the city, when you grow up somewhere like New York it becomes your norm. The quiet always used to get to me so much more, but now the sound of the wind coming through my windows and the crash of waves, feels like my new norm.
When I pull up to the shop I’ve got more than two hours before my shift. I’ve packed a backpack with clothes in it to get changed into later and considering James walks around the shop with wet hair every other day, I can’t see why I can’t do the same.
Damn it.
I’d been doing so well not thinking about him for the last couple of days, I finally thought I was over the whole thing. Any shift we’ve worked together, we’ve pretty much just pretended the other one didn’t exist unless completely necessary, but it doesn’t matter.
Anytime he’s near me it comes back in flashes, his lips on mine, his hands on me, the feeling in my chest, the smell of him so close. It’s like it happened yesterday regardless of it actually being three weeks ago. I don’t know what to do about it. Ignoring him does nothing and talking to him about it can’t help either of us surely. Being honest with myself hasn’t gotten me very far either because I honestly don’t know what I think or feel.
The feeling of kissing him was a feeling I’ve never had before, like my chest was light and my head was foggy, I feel like I could kiss him again.
I think he’s an arrogant pig who hates me. I think he kissed me as a joke or just to mess with my head, because I can’t think of a single moment when he was actually nice to me.
Apart from when Neil was being a dick, I guess.
It almost doesn’t even matter what I think or feel anyway, I know what he thinks. He thinks I’m a total moron who believes in soulmates and will do anything to find mine, he thinks I’m the devil, the enemy. So my feelings are irrelevant, whatever it is I’m feeling.
I can’t control him or what happens, but I can go surfing.