18. Chapter 17
Chapter 17
Katherine
I t’s been almost three months.
It’s gone by so quickly I think I blinked and missed it.
I have however managed to see all the landmarks I wanted to that were on my bucket list thanks to Ella. She took a couple days off last week and made sure to schedule other people in for my normal shifts now that she has some more seasonal staff in and we did all the tourist sightseeing.
“Kat, hunny, you know you saw this place when you were like twelve, right?” Ella shouts to me as I pose in front of the Sydney Opera House. She’s been my Instagram boyfriend for the day, and she’s surprisingly good at it.
“Yes, but I had braces and the worst hair cut of my life. I need new pictures,” I tell her as I run down the stairs and take my phone from her. And I’m not kidding about the hair cut, I’m pretty sure I wore a hat for like two years straight until it grew out.
She does the same even when I pull her around Sydney’s Walsh Bay looking for all the places Dance Academy was filmed, making her take pictures nearly every twenty seconds, she’s a good sport indulging me like this. Spending this time with her is priceless.
Running around the city with her has to be the highlight for my time here so far.
Apart from that kiss.
That kiss is but a blip in my Australia timeline, nothing but a very small pebble in my shoe, a little pot hole on my road to my soulmate. So insignificant it’s like it never happened.
Not even remotely believable.
James is back to acting like I’m the worst thing to happen since they cancelled The Ghost Whisper and I’m back to pretending he doesn’t even exist.
Does it sting a little? Of course, but the same amount as being stung by a hundred bees. But what’s that really? Nothing, that’s what.
I’ve been on another five dates or so, two of them even kissed me and it was… fine. They were all… okay. We talked and laughed and only one of them was a total disaster. But I haven’t seen any of them again, I just can’t quite bring myself to and I don’t know why.
Bella says it’s because deep down I know they're not right. But how can I possibly know? I’m not sure I know anything right now. I’m starting to think maybe this whole trip was just a fantasy, a fairy tale I was telling myself about finding my one. I had hoped if I put myself in the right place, the right country, then maybe the universe would do the rest, and help me out a little. I’m not sure what I thought truly, so I’ve told myself I’m staying till the end of the year. Ella says I’m doing great in the store and she’s definitely happy for the extra help over the summer, or maybe it’s winter? Either way she’s told me I can stay as long as I want, but I’m not sure I can stay forever, so I’m giving the universe until the end of December to bring my soulmate to me and if not I’ll head back home and think of a new strategy.
It’s the end of October now and I haven’t had a single hot pumpkin flavoured coffee, or a single jump-in-a-pile-of-leaves moment.
Halloween is tomorrow and it all seems… weird. There are pumpkins and plastic skeletons in shop windows but the sea breeze is warm and I’m wearing a little floral dress.
Weird .
Bella’s sending me pictures of the leaves in Central Park all on the ground and of all the new winter coats she’s found.
Also, I think I’ve come to realise that Halloween might not be as big of a deal anywhere else but America. It’s almost impossible to find Halloween related things in the shops. Home decorations, like cute ones, not the plastic ones, are non-existent. Halloween, my favourite holiday, by the way, seems forgotten while Christmas is plastered everywhere.
Not a single thick knitted scarf has touched my neck, not that I actually packed one of those. Surprising, I know.
I planned the time of this trip for this exact reason but trying to make your brain understand that you’ve gone from spring to summer to spring again is hard. It’s like jet lag but for the weather.
I’m going to a Halloween party tonight with Maddie and that’s also weird for a few reasons. This is the first Halloween I’ve spent without Bella since well, forever. Trying to find a costume appropriate for this weather is hard. I never leave my costume until this last minute but in some way I had been hoping to come up with a reason not to go.
Actually that last one isn’t that weird for me.
Normally my biggest problem is finding a coat to go with my outfit and how much leg do I want to freeze off, now it’s what character has a spring costume?
As I’m staring at my overflowing wardrobe I get a text from Maddie.
Our ginger dropped out, fancy being Blossom?
If you don’t have a costume already, that is.
With an attached image for a pink skirt and a big pink hair bow sitting on her bed.
The Powerpuff Girls could be fun, I wouldn’t have to do it on my own so I would feel like more of a group and it’s extremely weather appropriate. From the corner of my eye, I see a mesh red cardigan that I can wear over it.
I reply with an okay , and she tells me I should come over now to check the outfit fits and so I can get ready with them instead of her picking me up from Ella’s like we’d planned before. My heart slows at such a little text but to me, to my anxiety, that’s actually everything.
As I grab all my stuff, I pick up a pair of red heeled sandals I thrifted in Sydney the other week. I wasn’t sure I really liked them but for seven dollars who could argue with that. I gather all of my makeup, then jump in the car as soon as she sends me her address, but it’s not until then I realise I’ve never actually been to her house before. Come to think about it, she's never actually talked about her family either.
As I pull up, to what I can only describe as a mansion, I’m sure I’ve gotten the wrong address. My phone must've gotten the wrong place, because oh my god. The house, mansion, in front of me is nothing like I’ve seen before, ever. You don’t see a lot of mansions in New York, it’s all about beautiful apartments and artist townhouses but no mansions, those are all reserved for LA.
There are gates and a giant wall surrounding the place, like who the hell is she?!
I call her, because there’s no way she hasn’t mentioned this before. Not that it would matter, I don’t think I’ve ever met a more genuinely kind and good person like Maddie, but what is happening!?
“Hey, Maddie, I think I’ve got the wrong house.”
“Oh really? I’m sure I sent the right address, wait a second.” I hear a shuffling on her end of the phone and I hold my breath as I wait for her to tell me she accidentally sent me the address of a famous person who she was internet stalking. “No, I can see your car, just roll up to the gate and say your name into the telecom thing, Lee will let you in.” She says it so casually as if I’m not at Buckingham Palace. Okay that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but I’m in shock.
As I roll the car forward, cringing at how much it sticks out against its surroundings, I hear a voice coming from the little box next to the gate. “Name?” the said box requests when I come to a stop.
“Katherine Miller,” I stutter. This is insane, but it doesn’t make me look at Maddie any differently when I pull up to the front of the house and get out finding her on the steps leading to the front door.
“If you leave the keys in the car, I’ll get Lee to move it,” she tells me, pulling me in for a hug, taking one of my bags from me. She pulls me inside, into what I can only assume is the lobby. There are doorways everywhere leading to what I can only assume are even more beautiful rooms. A fucking chandelier hangs above me as I turn my head in every direct to take it all in. “It can be a bit much,” she tells me, laughing to herself. I’m sure I look like I’ve just seen a unicorn for the first time.
“Maddie, Maddie… What? Who?” I can’t get out a whole sentence as I look at the staircase of dreams. If only Bella could see this, she’s always dreamed of descending from a grand staircase in a beautiful vintage dress. Hell, I’m even dreaming of it now.
Maddie takes my hand and brings me back to earth and only then when I’m looking at her in the eyes do I realise that I’m reacting in the exact way she didn’t want me to. I’m gawking at her home, her life like it’s a zoo.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she tells me, only now looking nervous for the first time since I met her. “Okay, quick run down. My dad, he’s the owner of the biggest hotel chain in Australia.” My eyes widen, but I don’t say anything. “So, yes, he is very rich and this house is insane. I work at the shop because I don’t like taking his money. It doesn’t feel right, I didn’t earn it and I don’t deserve it. I didn’t say anything cause people get weird.”
I let out a long breath. “Okay.” She smiles at me for not saying more, a real Maddie smile. I’m not, from this moment onwards, going to make this weird.
She grabs my hand pulling me up the staircase. “Come on, let's get ready.”
“So how long have you been in Australia, Katherine?” Maddie’s friend asks. She’s Buttercup and she’s very Buttercup before she even puts her costume on.
She’s got crazy long dark hair that she’s put up in a high ponytail. Her name is actually Ava, and just like Maddie, she’s beautiful. A different kind of beautiful, she doesn’t have the surfer girl kind of look like Maddie and her other friends I’ve met, she’s got the ‘nose ring, tattoos up her arm’ kind of beautiful going on and I wonder how they became friends and how I’ve never met her before.
“Oh, call me Kat, and just under three months, I got here in mid August,” I tell her as I sit close to a mirror on the floor doing my eyeliner, a task I have not skillfully mastered still, despite Bella’s best efforts.
“Wow, what a whirlwind, Maddie told me about why you’re here. Girl, you are fucking brave, I could never.” The way she says it, with actual excitement, has me thinking she actually means it. I’ve never seen myself as brave, it takes me a minute to recover.
Or she thinks I’m a joke .
“I got you a drink, I only really have spirits, is vodka and coke okay?” Maddie asks as she walks back in the room and sets a drink down on the floor for me. I nod my head slowly to try not throw myself off, I’m almost worried the eyeliner knows I’m scared.
Maddie’s room is just as beautiful as the rest of the house, or what I’ve seen of it. She’s got a ‘what dreams are made of’ four post bed and a balcony built for Paris. It’s pretty muted colours on the walls and floor which just makes all her colourful stuff stand out even more. When I asked why there were no surfboards, she said they have their own room and she doesn’t want to carry them up that, in her words, stupidly pretentious staircase. Makes sense, but still the bikinis hanging over multiple chairs makes it actually feel like it’s her room.
Ava turns her attention back to me. “I don’t know why you’d want to leave New York, I’ve always wanted to visit,” she says wishfully as she adds more blush to her cheeks.
This is nice. I didn't realise how much I missed getting ready with friends until I hadn’t done it for so long.
I take a drink knowing I’m going to need all the liquid courage to get through the night. “Well, you can come and visit once I go back.” I smile at her. I’ve only told Ella about my plan to go back in January, I would have only been here for six months, I just feel like maybe people will think I’ve given up. My old therapist would say I’m projecting because truly I’m the only one who’s going to think that.
“Really?” Maddie asks from the corner where she’s wrestling with a blue bodysuit.
“Yeah, of course.” I haven’t known Maddie for that long but I do feel close to her in a weird way. Maybe it’s the way we’ve been thrown together, but I’d love to show her around New York and any other state she wants, like she’s done with me here.
Ava sighs lightly from her spot on the bed. “Don’t get her started on that. ”
“On what?”
“Maddie’s dream is to travel,” she says it in a way like it’s impossible, but I don’t quite understand why.
“I want to leave this place,” Maddie tells me in an almost whisper.
I’ve never seen her like that, as if she can’t tell me something, and it’s then that I’m reminded that we really haven’t known each other for that long and that she doesn’t need to tell me anything about her life. It also makes me realise why she was probably so reluctant to show me her house, I mentally slap myself again for the way I reacted.
But she continues, “I want to see things, feel things, I’ve been in one place my whole life and I love it, don't get me wrong. I love the people and the surf and my job, but there’s got to be something else out there for me, surely?” she says it so quickly I can hardly take in what she’s saying, but boy, do I get it. I get all the words she’s saying and all the ones she’s not. “Not that my dad would ever let me.” She sinks into herself, and I dread to think about the many conversations she must have had with him for her to lose her smile that quickly.
I’ve never seen the look in her eyes before, almost sad, but more of a wanting and it’s hard to know what to say to her. “Maddie, if you want the whole world, you should take it,” I tell her and I don’t know if it’s the right thing or a weird thing to say but she deserves the world, I know that much.
She sends me a bright smile and I know if anything I haven’t said the wrong thing at least. “Changing the subject. It’ll be quite busy at Izzy’s, she throws this party every year but I promise I won’t leave you.” I don’t think she realises how much that means to me. It’s probably a throw away comment, because she knows I’m new, but it helps me calm down a little and take a drink.
Maddie pauses and looks at me in the mirror, she wants to say something else I can tell, and then she finally does .
“James will be there too.” Her face twists as she tells me. I get why she’s telling me, the hope in her eyes tells me she’s hoping we’ve maybe put things behind us.
I’ve been trying my best to get along with him after the kiss , for Ella’s sake and for my own sanity. But it’s safe to say it isn’t working.
We’re just not people who were meant to be friends, we’re so different, we think different, we believe in different things and that’s fine. Not everyone is meant to like everyone and I’m not crazy enough to think everyone likes me.
I was stupid to think that after what happened we could maybe laugh it off, shake hands and move on. My current strategy is avoidance, but that’s easier said than done when every time I go to sleep, I dream of that kiss and of how it made me feel.
Ella tells me he’s been through some stuff with his family and that he’s a good guy. That maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.
I think I could have taken my feet completely off and it wouldn’t have made a difference. He made up his mind about me before I’d even stepped a foot on this continent.
The other day he not so subtly told me I was throwing my life away in a ‘I could be doing so much more with my life’ kind of way. It’s the way teachers used to tell me, it’s the disappointment in the voices that catches me. I don’t care if he’s disappointed or not, so his argument is irrelevant to me.
I don’t decide this much but I’ve decided I hate him. I hate his cocky smile, his weird sense of importance in my life, that I-know-better look I get from him. I hate that he kissed me and then acted like it was nothing to him. I hate that I feel like he did that to mess with my head and that it’s working. I hate how everyone else seems to like him, and I hate that he hates me too.
“I can’t believe you get to work with him everyday, that guy is gorgeous,” Ava tells Maddie as she curls the ends of her ponytail, I let out a scoff as I finish my face and stand up to look myself over. I’m glad I picked up the cardigan, no matter how many times they both told me I looked great and could do without it, I couldn’t.
It’s a red crop top and a very short, very tight, red checkered mini skirt.
I needed the cardigan.
Ava gives Maddie a look. “Kat and James don’t get along,” she tells her bluntly, and then Ava gives me a look, a look like I’m crazy.
“I just don’t like him.” I sit on the bed to pull on my heels.
I pull my hair into a half up, half down look and attach the big pink bow to the hairband. We take a few pictures all together, and for a super last minute put together look, we turned out pretty good. And I like when people are able to tell what you’re dressed up as so you don’t have to explain it to everyone you see at a party.
Ava’s boyfriend comes to pick us up at ten o'clock to take us. His name’s Sam and he’s a beautiful man. You know when some men aren’t hot but actually pretty, that’s this guy. I have to stop myself from staring.
I’m also happy to know someone else, even if I’ve only just met him in a twenty five minute car ride. It’s good enough. The knot in my stomach is mostly gone when we get there and then we pull into the driveway or should I say the street, it’s busy.
Then as I get out of the car, my hands start to sweat and my throat goes dry.
The thought of all those eyes on me or entering a house I don’t know sets me on edge before I can catch a breath. The churn in my stomach hits me like a stormy ocean wave, I physically take a step back.
Anxiety is like having a friend with you all the time that you’d like to leave you alone. It’s like having someone in your ear constantly telling you everyone will hate you a hundred times, it’s someone telling you that you look so terrible and you should just leave and go home because no one wants you there. It’s telling you all the worst case scenarios and never the best.
Losing Dad only made these thoughts a thousand times louder, not that I’d tell anyone. It’s my silent thing, the thing I deal with on my own. I have ways of working around it and nine times out of ten, it doesn’t stop me from going out or going to a party. I just have little things to help me.
Normally these ‘things’ are Bella and Nick.
Maddie links her arm into mine when she sees me standing still by the car and pulls me to the house. Sometimes having a different friend around helps, too.