26. Chapter 25
Chapter 25
James
T here are a few things I wish I’d said to Katherine inside but didn’t, two of them being: Yes, I did tell my nan about you when she called me this morning to check up on me, more specifically I described you as the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. And what I meant was, they should all be looking at you because you are the most beautiful person they’ll ever get to lay their eyes on.
I did not say any of these things because I would like to save myself the embarrassment of her laughing in my face.
I spot familiar faces as we make our way into the garden.
Mum's friends I remember who used to come round for dinner and parties, relatives who took Mum's side who I haven’t really spoken to since she left, people who I imagine are Lee's family and friends.
I don’t even know him and I know that I don’t like him. That’s probably a basic response from me but I can’t help it, just seeing his name everywhere irritates me. It doesn’t feel surprising that I don’t like him, he’s the man my mum decided to replace my dad with, I’ve been so protective of my dad since it all happened. I feel guilty that I'm even here.
“You know we could still make a getaway,” I say to Katherine as she stands next to me unsurprisingly taking her surroundings in. That’s her baseline—surveying her surroundings—I’ve noticed it more and more since the party, thought back to past interactions and realised the signs of her anxiety were always there, I just wasn’t paying enough attention.
She looks up at me all doe-eyed, her skin glowing. “James, if you pull me away from this before I’ve had a chance to eat any of that cake, I will never speak to you again,” she explains pointing to the cake sat over in the corner of the garden with other people looking over it. It’s a tall simple cake covered with autumn orange and forest green flowers. It reminds me of my mum in a way I’m not sure about.
A few weeks ago the promise of Katherine never speaking to me again was my dream, now as she speaks it into existence my heart squeezes. Looking at her like this, with me, she smiles up at me and I nearly fall over right there and then. What wouldn’t I do for her?
An usher approaches us and asks us to take our seats. I hesitate for a moment knowing this is it. I’ll see her again after almost ten years. It seems surreal, like a nightmare I’m sure I’ve had before. Katherine leads the way, and if she didn’t, I’m certain I’d stand here forever, letting the grass and weeds grow over my shoes.
She starts to walk up the rows, but I tug her back, pulling her to the last row. I need to be as far away as humanly possible, I need to put a barrier between me and my mum. If she can’t make eye contact with me, maybe she won’t notice I’m here and I can just disappear when this is all done with.
I wasn’t totally aware of it, but I was staring at him . The man that was deemed so much better than my father simply because the universe said so. He doesn’t look all that much different than Dad, maybe a bit fuller in the face and with less grey hair, and yet a glowing rock pushed him and my mum together while pulling my whole world apart.
His eyes take a minute and then it’s like his whole world has fallen in on itself too, nice to know I’m not the only one. My eyes shift towards Katherine before I can burn a hole through him. “This really is a beautiful wedding,” she tells me, and it’s then that I think she might be trying to distract me because then I notice how I’m squeezing her hand. The poor girl looks like she’s had a run in with a boa constrictor but she tries not to show it in her eyes.
“Sorry.” I pull my hand from hers only to wipe it down my trouser leg and then something I hadn’t been ready for happens and she grabs it again. The surprise on my face would be obvious if she was even looking at me. Her eyes float around the garden but my hand is firmly grasped in hers. The sunlight catches her jawline just perfectly and makes her freckles that are splattered across her face stick out even more. She looks like a sun-kissed goddess and I can’t believe she’s here with me.
The rows of chairs around us start to fill and then the music picks up and I know it’s time. I’m not sure if I’m ready, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to see her again, not today, not in a week or in a month's time. But Katherine was right, annoyingly. Deep down, the idea of something happening to my mum, and me never getting to talk to her, hurts more than the pain of having to see her today ever would.
We stand and everyone turns to see her walk out of the house behind us, but I don’t. I look at him. If he really loves her, I’ll be able to see it on his face when he looks at her. If he was worth leaving my dad for, I think I’ll be able to see it in his eyes.
As my mum comes into view as she passes me, my heart stops. She looks the same, ten years older, but her eyes are still the same ones that always matched mine and her blonde hair still flows down her back. Her face is still warm and tanned. She walks herself down the aisle holding a beautiful bouquet of orange and cream coloured flowers. She looks beautiful.
“Please, everyone be seated,” the woman officiant says from up front, and Katherine has to basically pull me down to my seat but not before Mum sees me. Her eyes catch mine for a second before I force myself to look away.
“You okay?” Katherine whispers to me, leaning in close. Her scent flows up to me as a breeze passes by. I can barely look at her, I’m not sure if I am okay. I think I’m going to be sick. My heart feels too many things all at once. Some kind of affection and comfort for the girl next to me, sad and hurt for my dad sitting back home, and all of the above and more for the woman standing ahead of me in a white dress.
I’m having to confront far too many of my feelings today. Too many things I was content never dealing with. I never felt the need to, never felt like it was necessary, and why would I?
Why would I ever want to deal with being abandoned, left to be raised by an alcoholic?
Why would I want to deal with how that’s made it completely impossible for me to have a normal relationship with Katherine?
Why would I want to deal with it when it never affected how I lived my life? I was fine, totally fine, and now I feel like I have to deal with them just to move forward. Just to keep going.
It never felt like they were holding me back, they were just protecting me, protecting these feelings. Now, it feels like they’re holding me under the water, content to drown me.
The ceremony goes by quickly and somewhat pain free if you don’t count the hand cramp both Katherine and I get from holding hands.
We stand on the side of the garden near a little bar handing out ‘reception drinks’ whatever that’s meant to mean, all I know is Katherine got two, and when I reminded her I don’t drink, she said, “Oh, I know, they’re both for me.” I laughed at her and she smiled at me and for that minute it felt so normal.
Mum and Lee went down to the beach that runs along the end of the garden down a few steps to take some pictures. The staff are currently running around, moving chairs and bringing tables in.
Weddings seem far too stressful and I don’t think I ever want to do this myself. I mean I’ll never have to, another thing I’ve sworn off.
“You know this is the first wedding I’ve been to,” she says, taking a sip from the second glass in her hand; it’s some pink and fruity looking thing and it coats her lips with sugar every time she takes a sip of it. I want to know what she tastes like with it on her.
I take a drink from my soda. “And you chose to pop your wedding cherry by coming to my estranged mother’s wedding? Bold choice.” I smile down at her as she looks over the garden again.
“Well ‘choice’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use.”
“I didn’t make you come.” I feel my tone shift as I say it. I don’t like the idea of me making her do anything.
She must notice my shift in mood because she places her hand on my arm making me look down at her, a mocking smile on her face. “It was the puppy dog eyes.” Her smile only grows bigger. “I couldn’t help but save you.”
Suddenly, a cloud of a white dress appears by the stairs. I watch as my mum starts walking towards me, us, and I’m stuck. Katherine squeezes my arm, I’m not sure she knows she’s doing it, but I do know that I can’t move.
I’m too busy having what I can only assume is some form of panic attack. I had come to the conclusion I would never see my mum again. I accepted that my memory of her walking out the door would be my last. She would forever be frozen in time. In my sixteen year old mind. As I’m standing there that’s who I am, sixteen year old James. That version of me feels like it’s only been five minutes since he saw his mum instead of the ten years it’s actually been.
“I was only joking about the cake.” My brows knit together even if I’m not looking at Katherine. “We can run if you want, but if you want to stay, I’m right here with you.” We still don’t look at each other, still focused right ahead of us but I understand what she’s saying and it goes right to the organ I wasn’t aware still beat in that way. If my heart hadn’t already been in my throat it was now.
This girl.
This girl.
The girl I swore would be the end of me, very well might still be, but for a very different reason. This girl who seems to have seen every bad and broken part of me, and is still right here. With me. It seems like something we’ll need to circle back to at a better time, but as my mum approaches us, that time is not right now.
“James,” my mum breathes out as if she’s been holding her breath the entire time she was walking over here. She looks over my face as if maybe I’m not real, at least that’s how I feel.
It can’t be real. She left, she was gone and now my brain can’t understand how she’s really here.
So much for who I am as a person is because of her. She bought me my first board, she showed me all the surfing basics and she’s the one who took me to my first lesson. I don't think I’d be who I am today without surfing, I certainly wouldn't have gotten through the hard times without it. I wouldn't have the family I have now without it.
It always hurts my heart that even though my mum caused the destruction of everything, she was also the one who gave me the one thing that kept me together through it all. Dad never understood surfing but Mum, she did. She understood its power .
“I… I wasn’t sure you’d really come.” There’s something in her voice I don’t like, like sadness, I’m not a heartless guy and as much as I’d like to think I’m totally done with her, if she were to cry right now, I’m not sure I could stop myself from hugging her. She’s the villain in my story but I’m not sure if it’s all as black and white as it used to be, the red head next to me is all the proof that I need.
I don’t even know how to respond to her now. Over the years, I thought of everything I’d say to her if I had the chance. Ranging from Why to Do you understand what you did? But none of that seems right in this moment. “I did RSVP.”
“I know, I—” She takes a breath and her hands glide down the front of her dress. “I’m so happy to see you.” Her eyes are glossy and her smile wavers but she holds back from crying, so that helps a little.
I feel Katherine shift next to me and I had almost forgotten about her hand in mine. “This is Katherine.” My mum's eyes shift to the girl next to me and go a little wide but she catches herself quick enough. “We - umm we work together.” I sound even less believable than when we talked to my nan.
My stutter seems to bring a smile to Katherine's face as I glance at her. She’s tucked herself in my side, and I’m gone.
Dead. Done. Deceased.
Because, god, how can one girl be so hot and cute all at once. I want to scoop her up and carry her out of here.
She extends her hand out for my mum to shake. “Congratulations. You look beautiful, and this whole wedding is amazing, thank you for having me,” Katherine tells her, and even though there’s warmth to her voice, and sincerity in her words, I have no doubt she’s still on my side, if taking sides were needed.
“It’s lovely to meet you, Katherine. That’s an American accent if my ears don’t deceive me. What brings you to Australia?” my mum asks, and I’m not sure what’s happening, if she thinks that Katherine’s my girlfriend and that’s why she’s asking, or if she’s stalling?
This is the most awkward situation I’ve ever been in, and Katherine has completely frozen.
And my brain spins into a frenzy. She wouldn’t possibly tell my mum why she’s really here, would she? She’s standing like a statue next to me. I put my hand on the small of her back, because I’m here for her, too, and it may be too much to ask for, but I’m sure I can feel her relax into my touch.
“I’m visiting family, my aunt owns the store James works in, or I guess the store we work in.” Relief fills my body, because any other answer could lead my mum to think I’ve forgiven the whole soulmate community. I have not, and I don’t want her to think I will just forgive her and that’s the reason why I’m here.
Her eyes float up to mine and the look she gives me says thank you but also I’m sorry and I don’t have enough time to catch on to what’s happening until it’s happening. “I’m just going to pop to the restroom, give you guys a minute to talk.” She’s goes to walk away but I have a grip on her waist and I don’t want her to go, I don’t want to be alone or at least without her.
“You’ll be fine, you’ve got to do this. I believe in you,” she whispers to me as I let my hand fall and she slips back into the house. Just like that, my mum and I are alone.
“James.” Hearing my mum’s voice brings me back to the whole situation from years ago. I start to feel the panic again. The truth is I don’t have to forgive her, I don’t even have to hear her out. I learned a long time ago that family isn’t always the people you’re related to, it's the people who are always here for you, who show up, who you choose to spend your time with; I have that with Maddie, Ella, Willie, and maybe even now Katherine. They are my family, and that’s okay, I’m okay with that but I can’t help but keep Katherine’s words in my head: You don’t want to regret missing out.
Katherine’s kind of right I guess. If my mum was gone tomorrow, how would I feel? Would I be glad I didn’t give her a chance to make up for the lost years, or would I wish we’d had a second chance? I don’t know.
“I know that you hate me, I know I made so many mistakes and I know I’ve missed out on so much. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to tell you how sorry I am, but god, I’d love to try.” Yeah she’s definitely crying a little, I don’t even want to look her in the eyes now, because no matter what, there’s still a little part of me that will always love her. That’ll always want to share my thoughts and feelings with her, to have her in my life. I think I’d just been burying that want so far down because it felt wrong. Like I shouldn’t want that, I shouldn’t even think about forgiving her. And not seeing her for so many years made that easy, easy to not miss what I didn’t think about. But now, now we’re face to face. I’m face to face with the life I think I could have again. “James, I don’t expect you to ever forgive me but you showed up today and that gives me some hope.” Her wavering smile tells me she means it and maybe this is it, maybe I can give her a chance.
“Yeah, well you can thank Katherine for that. Not sure I would have turned up if it weren’t for her,” I tell her, my tone light in hopes of easing the worry on her face.
Her smile grows brighter. “Is she someone special?” Her eyes shift toward something behind me, I look over my shoulder to see Katherine leaning on the door frame leading into the garden with a shit eating grin on her face looking at us. She tries to look away when I catch her but it’s almost as if she can’t, like she’s locked into my gaze, and I like it.
I pull my eyes from her reluctantly to look back at Mum. “Yeah, I think she is, she’s—it’s hard to explain. She’s special to me.” It feels crazy to be sharing any of this with my mum, but the smile on her face tells me I’m making the right decision. “Are you guys going away for a honeymoon?” I ask her.
She nods. “A couple of weeks near the Gold Coast, why?”
I swallow down the lump that’s formed again in my throat. “Maybe when you get back, we can meet up or something.” I try to act as casual as possible when in fact my heart is beating so fast I’m sure it’s a heart attack.
“I would love that.”
“Okay.” We stand there for a minute not sure whether to hug each other or not, it feels too soon. I’m not sure if I’m really okay or over anything right now. She seems to sense it too and just takes ahold of my hand, squeezes it and smiles.
I watch as she makes her way back over to the head table making some kind of hand signal to her new husband, he gives her a bright smile and two thumbs up, hugging her when she reaches him. He holds her like he never wants to let go of her ever, and she looks at him like he’s hung the moon for her. They seem happy, and my heart breaks for a minute thinking I wish Dad could be just as happy.
“See, that wasn’t so bad,” Katherine says as she makes her way in front of me again.
And when I look down at her I’m not sure she knows she's doing it but she’s looking at me the way my mum just looked at Lee. And I feel like maybe if I get the chance to hold her again, I won't ever want to let go.
I take her hand in mine again and pull her closer to me, her hand lands on my chest, our faces inches away from each other. I can feel her jagged breaths on my skin and I can see the way her eyes float down to my lips before looking me in the eyes again, and fuck me, if that doesn’t make me groan at the thought of leaving with her right now …
“You leave me alone like that again, and I can’t be held responsible for my actions, okay?” She just nods at me. I pull back slightly from her, not really wanting to. I want to kiss her while she looks at me like she’s out of breath from just being near me, I want to hold her close to me for as long as I possibly can but I don’t, even if she looks like she wants me to. “I guess we should go eat.”