35. Chapter 34
Chapter 34
Katherine
N ot having Bella right here to talk to about all this has been hard, to say the least, the time difference, the not being able to read each other's faces. We never had to do anything but look at each other to know exactly what the other was thinking. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I mean I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined I’d feel this far from her.
So I caved and called Maddie this morning asking her to come over. I then proceeded to spill everything, every detail from start to finish. In my defence, I was very sleep deprived from the lack of sleep I got after James dropped me home last night.
I don’t know what last night was, but if that wasn’t a date then I’m not sure I really know what one is.
I have never spilled my guts so easily to a guy before, besides Nick. He’s just so easy to be around and he makes it so easy to let your guard down. The way he held me when I started to cry, embarrassing I know, it felt like he was holding all of me together. Like he was trying to keep all my pieces together.
And I’m back to feeling even more confused about what to do than I was before. I had expected him to come in and maybe have a repeat of the other night. But he dropped me off and kissed me good night like I’d held him together too .
“You really thought I was that clueless?” Maddie tells me as she drives us into Sydney. She said we’d do one of the things on my list to take my mind off everything but then didn’t tell me what we’re going to do, so I’m twirling my hair and picking my fingers while my stomach churns in the passenger seat.
“I didn’t even know I liked him until like three days ago, how could you have known?” I ask, trying my best to not sound as pathetic as I feel.
“Oh, come on, all the fighting, the longing looks, and the fact you two look like the perfect couple. It was going to happen at some point. I just can’t believe it took you guys this long to work it out.” She takes the right turn as we come off the bridge then five minutes later we park up and start walking in whatever direction she’s leading me.
I can’t help thinking maybe she’s right, a lot of passion goes into hating a person, and when you see a different side to that person where do you put all those feelings? Did he and his mum break my heart? Yes. Did seeing him open and vulnerable make me feel things for him? Also yes.
Is that all it was? A weird mix of my brain trying to make sense of me not hating him any more. It would be nice if it was that simple but I don’t think I would have let him into my room the other night if that was all it was. He brought down walls I didn’t ever know I had up. That’s no mean feat, a girl as anxious as me wears so many masks I’m never too sure which one I’ve got on, but when I’m with him I know I’m not wearing a single one. I’m me and I kinda think he likes that.
Maddie stops and I fall into her side. “We’re here!” she says in a sing-song voice that she does that reminds me of Jessica Day from New Girl .
I look at the little shop tucked away between a coffee place and a vintage store, its windows are big and open, letting me see right into it.
A tattoo shop.
Maddie has a few from what I’ve seen and James is covered so I’m not surprised. But I’m scared as shit.
“Oh come on you’ll be fine, just something small,” she tells me grabbing my hand and pulling me through the door, the bell above the door chirps alerting the girl behind the desk to our arrival. She looks like she belongs here, her dark hair is pulled back in a high, very sleek ponytail showing off all her piercings and neck tattoos. Her grey tank top shows off all the tattoos she has down her arms, and she looks like she’s drawing something as we get closer.
I look down at my green floral shorts and white tank top; I do not look like I should be here.
“I don’t even know what I want,” I whisper to Maddie as she waves to the girl pulling me down the long corridor past doors and cubicles. The place is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to a Tardis, bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside.
“Think of something to do with this trip, something you don’t want to ever forget.” I know the first thing that comes to mind but it seems too final, too much like it might mean something it shouldn’t.
Like I’m putting too much pressure on a situation I shouldn’t be, but it’s the first thing I think of and something I never want to forget. No matter who my soulmate ends up being.
Maddie knocks on the door at the end of the corridor and it swings open revealing a guy I’ve met before but I can’t quite remember when.
“Thanks for doing this, Willie,” Maddie says smiling up at the wall of dark muscles holding the door open, he smiles down at her in a way I’m sure she doesn’t see or notice .
“Anything for you Mads.” After she walks in he looks back at me lingering in the doorway. “Kat, right?” He moves out of the way but I stay rooted to my spot unsure if I’m actually ready to do this or not. “I promise they don’t hurt as much as you think, and we can stop as many times as you want.”
“Wait, you're doing it? I thought you were a surfer?” I stutter out, my brain finally catching up with my surroundings.
“Surfer, tattoo artist, male model.”
“And apparently real modest, too,” Maddie calls from her seat in the room, where she flicks through some portfolio but when she smiles up at him when he looks over at her, it’s not quite her normal smile, not one that reaches her eyes.
Note to self: ask her about that when we’re alone again.
I finally walk into the room and it’s just like I’d expected. Art on the white walls, stickers on every surface, an adjustable chair bed thing in the centre that Willie gestures for me to sit in.
When I do, he sits in the chair next to me. He sticks a hand out to me. “Willie Lewis, I’m James and Maddie’s friend, we met very briefly at the bar a few weeks ago.” I take his hand and shake it, which feels far too formal for our current setting.
“Katherine Miller, I’m sorry if I was drunk the last time we met.”
“She is also my new best friend, you and James have been replaced,” Maddie tells him, smiling at me. My heart squeezes with a sensation like I might cry.
My eyes glance down at what I assume is the tattoo gun on a rolling table next to me. Willie's eyes follow mine and then he looks up at my face. “I promise I know what I’m doing. I trained here while I was trying to get on the competition circuit, and I always come back for a guest spot while I’m home,” he reassures me with his calm tone and explanation. “Who do you think did all James’ ink? I made that guy hotter than he should be,” he laughs, grabbing an iPad off one counter .
The mere mention of his inked arms and torso seems to light my skin on fire and make my palms sweat. I try to take a deep breath while Maddie pulls a chair up next to me. “So, what are you thinking?” she asks and Willie looks at me.
“Okay maybe I have an idea, but you can’t say anything,” I say pointing a finger at Maddie and she holds her hands up in defence.
Someone should've told me that once you get one tattoo you’ll want more because as I stare at the new permanent addition to my body I know it won’t be the last I get.
“It looks so good,” Maddie says, coming up to stand next to me in the mirror.
My eyes water a little looking at the fine lines and text swirling on the back of my arm.
“Okay, so remember not to swim for at least four weeks, sorry. And keep it wrapped for a few hours then wash with warm water and put this cream on every few hours. Not too much, but don’t let it get dry,” he says, pulling off his gloves and handing me a bottle of cream.
“Thank you so much for this.” I turn towards him, wiping my eyes as subtly as I can. “How much do I owe you?”
“Oh, no it’s cool, on the house,” he smiles at Maddie in a knowing way.
“No, no way you’re not paying for me, Maddie.” I turn back to her again.
“Think of it as a Christmas present.”
“It’s November. ”
“Maybe you girls could take this somewhere else, I have another client in thirty minutes,” Willie says to both of us but mostly to Maddie, once again reminding me to try to get some insight into that relationship. “I think some of us are going out later, you coming?”
I’m not invited and once again, I’m reminded I’m just a droplet in the ocean for these guys. In months to come, I won’t even be a blip on their radar and I know why that hurts so much because I care about them.
It hurts because I don’t want that. I don’t want to leave and be nothing to them.
Nothing to James.
For once me and my brain agree with each other, I don’t want him to forget about me which is selfish and mean, and probably a bunch of other stuff I will feel bad about later, but that’s the truth.
I just feel like a filler in their lives and my heart tells me I don’t want to be that with these people. They are important and so beautiful on the inside. It makes me happy I’ve had the chance to even be around them.
Maybe that’s it. I should just be happy I got the chance to see them, to be in their orbit for a while. Happy that I got to be Pluto in their solar system.
I still want to find my soulmate but I’m not sure this is the best way anymore, I can’t force it like I thought I could. I think I’m starting to realise that now.
“Yeah of course we will.” Maddie's voice brings me out of my mind palace.
“What?”
“I texted you about it the other day.” My mind wanders back to a very long text she sent the other day and so much was in it I totally missed the part about going out. “You kinda ignored that part so I just took it as a yes.”
“Oh.” I’m not sure what to say as all my own thoughts come to a crashing stop.
“We’ll see you later,” Maddie calls to Willie as she pulls me out of the room.
She did invite me.
Thought of me.
All of a sudden this feeling comes over me and Maddie’s arm linked through mine is the only thing keeping me up. It’s like I’m having this crazy realisation that I’ve been trying to read everyone's minds my whole life, assuming I knew what they were really thinking. Also assuming that I was just tagging along but never really wanted.
Bella was the popular one through high school, and I was just her best friend. I always kinda felt like an accessory, like people felt like they had to invite me to parties, sleepovers and hang outs because they knew Bella wouldn’t come if I was left out.
“You okay?” Maddie asks, and I realise I’ve stopped moving.
“Yeah.”
“You sure, you kinda look like you're going to throw up or cry? Is it your blood sugar? Do I need to get you chocolate?”
“No, I'm actually really good.” I smile at her, my chest feeling a weird lightness, something I don’t think I’ve had since I was in therapy as a kid. “So, what’s the plan for tonight?”
I convince Maddie to get ready with me at Ella’s. I decided it’s time I try to be around the people I like more, that it feels good to be with people who want to be around me. And I won't let myself feel weird about it.
“Hey, Bella.” I wave at my laptop screen as I FaceTime while she’s still in bed.
“HEY! Oh my god I need an update!” I’m sure I see a bit of coffee fly out her mug as she sits up.
“Okay, first I want you to meet someone. Bella this is Maddie, Maddie this is Bella.” I angle my screen just right on my desk and let Maddie move more into the frame.
“Hi! It’s so good to meet you. Kat talks about you all the time,” Maddie says waving at the camera giving Bella her signature smile. I’ve felt bad for not keeping Bella in the loop about my feelings for James as much as I would have liked and I feel like it’s time to be completely open with how I’m feeling now.
“So good to meet you too! You are so much more beautiful than your Instagram gives you credit for.” Bella gushes and we spend the next hour chatting just like friends do. Bella tells us everything going on with her and I feel bad that I didn’t realise how hard things had been at her job but she tells me she thinks it’s going to get better now that she’s applied for a full time job there.
I tell her about everything with me and James that I haven’t had a chance to tell her yet. Queue lots of squealing from her. Having to go into detail about my feelings is probably the hardest thing but also crazy therapeutic. Sometimes it’s hard for me to keep my own thoughts in order in my head, that’s why I have a lot of word vomit moments on my blog, so talking it through with two people really helps.
“So, just to clarify, you do like, like like him?” Bella asks me as she sips her second cup of coffee.
“Yeah, I think so.” I fiddle with a thread on my sock, as I sit cross legged on the floor .
“Okay, so what’s the problem? He obviously likes you too, and don’t even think about fighting me about that. The date he took you on yesterday proves it and don’t even get me started on the mind blowing sex you had.” Bella does not mince her words with me when she truly thinks I’m being an idiot about something, which is fair.
“Yeah, but he’s not my soulmate.” I almost whisper as if me not saying it loud enough for the world to hear it won’t be true.
“Oh, hunny,” Maddie says from behind me where she’s pulling my hair into two French braids. “But what if you guys could be really happy together?”
“And what if we end up hating each other in a few years and I’ve wasted all that time or what if we don’t actually have anything in common and it’s just this crazy passion physical thing, or he ends up loving someone more than me, or—”
“Maddie, stop her before she spirals,” Bella says, Maddie hands me the glass of vodka and lemonade next to her and I take a long drink. “What did your dad used to say to us? You never want to miss out on something because of fear or what ifs . What if it works out and you’re really happy, what if he’s the one for you just not your soulmate? Come on, Kat, I know how important it is to you and I get it, but if you like him at least give the poor guy a chance.”
Bella’s right. I know she is. “Fine, but can we change the subject to Maddie and Willie now?”
And we do, Maddie tells us about him. How he was James first friend when he moved here, how they’d known each other for most of their lives, practically growing up together but it wasn’t till she and James started to work together that they all started to hang out. Their whole friendship group is a weird mix of people they seemed to have picked up along the way but it used to be the three of them.
“Me and James have always been a brother/sister thing. I can not stress that enough, but me and Willie… I don’t know. For a minute I thought maybe it would be more, you know?” she tells me as she shifts through my wardrobe like she needs to be doing something to be able to tell us this and we let her.
“Just the way we were. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, in the way he’d hold me sometimes, the way he was always here making me feel safe, he was the first person I’d call when I needed someone and he’d be there without a doubt. He’d look at me sometimes like I was something special,” her voice cracks but she continues.
“But when he got picked up for the circuit, to go all over and do competitions something changed, he changed. He wasn’t the same guy any more, I couldn’t depend on him or trust him and I just kinda stopped wanting anything from him, cause I knew he couldn’t give me that. Watching him have girls all over him is enough to put anyone off.” I’ve never heard her sound so sad before. She takes a deep breath before pulling a dress out of my wardrobe and holding it out in front of herself in the mirror.
I give her a thumbs up from where I’m still sat on the floor and angle my laptop so Bella can see it too.
“Oh yes, love! With the red shoes Kat has too.” Bella’s right again, of course. It’s a black little dress I’ve owned for like five years but it’s always a good choice.
“Anyway, we’re still friends and everything, but it’s not the same and sometimes I actually kinda hate him a little for it. To almost give me something like that and then just kinda disappearing. Even now sometimes he looks at me in a way and just for a second I wonder what it might have been like. If we actually had been together, if one of us had been brave enough.” She has a wishful look on her face I’ve never seen on her before but it’s gone in a second.
We talk a little more as Maddie and I get dressed .
“This has been truly amazing, and Maddie, I can’t wait for you to come to New York, dates pending but I should get dressed, our moms and I are doing some early Christmas shopping.”
“Don’t tell me that,” I groan, the thought of New York right now makes my heart sink, it would be the perfect amount of cold right now, that nip in the air, maybe even a bit of snow.
“It was lovely getting to meet you too, Bella.” Maddie waves to her as she sits at my desk and does the buckle up on the red shoes.
“Let me know what happens tonight and how the meeting with Tommy goes. Love you,” Bella says as I lean forward on my desk to blow her a kiss.
“I will, can you give my mom a big hug from me? Love you too.”
“Of course, Kat.”