Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
I lie in the darkness. Nothing short of Fate himself could pry my deadened limbs from this white marble stage.
I barely have the ability to think, my mind filled with a claggy, dense fog.
Bathed in the bleached moonlight, I lie.
Waiting. Thank Fate’s Mercy for the cold, clear numbness that’s settled in my chest. The last ounce of strength I have against the pain that threatens to drown me.
At long last, footsteps race up the steps outside.
The slap of marching boots against old stone.
The silver hairs on my arm twist to attention, goosebumps rising to their feet.
Sandpaper coats my throat. My blood turns to punishing needles.
But a thick layer of clingy cloud stands between me and the world, a barrier between me and feeling. A final mercy from Fate.
I don’t move as Idris appears at the High Chamber doors.
“Renza!”
Relief soaks Idris’s words, the tone inflicting worse wounds than the acid of our bond. His heavy boots run closer but I don’t turn as he crosses the black and white marble. I don’t look at him. I don’t answer. I stay where I’m lying on the floor.
My destiny is approaching. I cannot be afraid.
“Renza?” Wary nerves stain his open-ended question. So many interpretations to choose from, so I pick the only one that matters.
“We should’ve listened to Fate,” I whisper, the words shivering as they leave my tongue. I stare at the fingers resting just in front of my eyes on the white marble. “You should’ve killed me.”
Idris turns as still as marble. A long, swollen moment passes.
“What?” he says on an exhale as something shatters in his voice.
“I should’ve died with them in the Grand Temple.
But I was too stupid to realise what Nouis was doing.
” My words are barely a thick mumble as I run my fingers slowly over the ridges and valleys of white marble beneath me.
“Fate knew what he was doing, removing me from this fight. Saving the city from me.”
“No.” Idris’s argument comes out strangled. A tear leaks from my eye, dropping to the marble below.
“It would’ve been better if I’d died. You were supposed to kill me.”
“Don’t say that!” Idris snaps.
“It’s okay. I understand now. I won’t fight. I can’t anymore. You can kill me now.”
Idris doesn’t answer. His breathing is heavy, torn and trembling.
He marches forwards and crouches in front of me.
His hands go to cup my face, to force me to face him.
I close my eyes, straining to pull my face out of his grip.
Because as always, his touch brings fire.
Flames that turn all else to cinders, that eat through that merciful blanket of numbness and cast it into a distant memory.
I can’t withstand that heat, can’t cope with the rage or the pain.
I can’t. I need the numbness; I need the darkness.
I need cold, empty clarity. I want to sink into it; let it wrap me up forever. To drown in the peace and the dark.
I can’t handle anything else. Not anymore.
There is nothing left in me to give.
But Idris refuses to let me go.
“Look at me, Renza. Please.” His words quiver. “You don’t mean what you say.”
His words burn in my ears. I shake my head, wanting to pull his blistering fingers from my face. Wet tears brim in my eyes.
“Renza!” Idris’s trembling touch is an inferno, his voice a shallow roar – a command laced with panic. “Renza, open your eyes and look at me!”
“Just do it. Please.”
“Renza, look at me!” Idris commands again, his voice finding a desperate footing. The acid of it runs down my ears.
I let out a wet, shuddering breath. I pry my eyes apart and meet the furnace of those golden hazel eyes. Idris’s face is a gut-wrenching mix of rage and panic.
“I am never, ever letting you go,” Idris says, a frightened fury dripping from his words. I don’t want to argue. It’s so hard with the blistering, coiling burns crawling over my skin.
“Isn’t that why you’re here? Isn’t that why you sent those people to my house?” I argue, the heat of our bond catching and making my voice stronger as I put the challenge at his feet.
Idris’s face contorts as though I’ve gutted him. He shakes his head, those golden eyes tracing my face like he’s only just seeing something truly terrible.
“I never sent those monsters after you. How could you think that of me?” Idris speaks like I personally ripped his heart apart shred by shred. My heart pounds in my chest, the burn of his words curdling in the recesses of my mind.
“They claimed your name,” I argue. “They did it for you.”
“No, no! They didn’t. I didn’t!” Idris insists hotly, like it’s the only thing in the world that matters. “I would never, ever hurt you. Renza, how could you believe I would ever want you dead?”
His words ache deep in my bones. But they don’t feel right.
“You should,” I whisper. I press my hands to his heart, over his tunic. “The bond is telling you what you need to do. It’s okay to listen.”
His fingers tighten around my face. His touch sweeps like embers across my skin, burrowing into my flesh. His presence burns away at the fog of my senses.
“Never,” he growls. I sigh, lifting my hand to cup his face.
If he can’t do it, then I must. My other hand flies to his left boot, in easy reach with us both low to the floor. My fingers wrap around the knife I know he keeps tucked there. I pull it free, twisting the blade around to point at my heart, both my hands meeting around the simple wooden handle.
“No!” Idris’s hands are too quick and they wrap firmly around mine.
I refuse to let go but he pulls up, then suddenly surges forwards, toppling us backwards.
Idris lands on top of me, my back to the floor, my front against his searing chest. Our hands are intertwined around the blade above our heads.
Idris slams our hands against the floor, knocking the blade out of my feeble grip. I let out a strangled cry as Idris swipes his arm furiously, sending the blade skittering away.
“Idris, you have to—” I sob.
“No!” Idris roars, pinning my hands by my head, his body pressed across every inch of mine. “Your death belongs to me. No one will ever take that from me, not even you.”
“Idris,” I hiccup, wanting to return to the numbness. The dark, cold obliterating clarity.
“If you want it, Renza, then you must take it from me. Fight me,” Idris challenges.
“No. No—”
“Come on. It’s right there. Feel the bond, feel the fight. Fight me,” Idris insists, his tone taut. I push against his arms weakly; my skin sears where it meets his.
Itching sparks ignite along my palms, sweeping up my arms to bury their hot teeth in my bones.
“I can’t,” I weep, fresh tears springing along my bottom lashes.
“Yes you can! Fight!”
“I can’t. Not anymore. I can’t fight alone anymore,” I sob. Idris moves his hands, lacing his fingers into my hair. His smell – lavender and mint – consumes me. The circling inferno of his presence is everywhere.
“You’re not alone, Renza. You’re with me.”
“You left me. You abandoned me!” My heated, broken sob tumbles across my lips as wet tears slide down my cheeks. Idris flinches as though I landed a punch.
“You left me! You hate me and you left me. I loved you and you left me!” I shove him hard.
He falls back to the white tiles. He leans on one arm, staring at me with a crumpled expression.
I gasp for air. It feels like I can’t breathe and I lift my hands to my throat, like I could physically hold it open or shove the air inside.
My barest touch brings the abuse I’ve suffered tonight exploding to the surface.
I buckle forwards, hands splaying against the white tile as my tears drop to the flawless white surface.
“You left me. I’ve been fighting alone.” I hate how the tears rip at my words, shaking my lungs and rattling my bones. “You left me to fight alone.”
“I’ve always been right there,” Idris whispers.
“Have you?” I accuse, shaking all over. “Where? How?”
I scramble to my knees and turn away from him, desperately wiping the water from my face.
The rage is too much. His firestorm will render me to splinters.
I press my hands over my eyes, feeling a thousand walls blister and crumble inside me all at once.
The foundations I built to keep me going now lie in blackened cinders.
Idris clambers back towards me, his strong, scalding hands going to my shoulders.
“Get off me!” I shout and throw my elbows wildly at him, desperate to return to the numbness.
“Make me!” he growls. He spins me around and I gasp, not prepared for the wave of flames that surges through me like lightning at his touch. The noise leaving my mouth is barely human as I throw my strength into my hands, beating back his touch.
“Stop it! Stop it!” I shriek. I throw my hands against him, pushing with all my strength to pry him away.
He moves like an expert, wrapping me up in his tight, aggravating embrace and surrounding me with his scalding brimstone body.
He pins me against the floor again. Lying on top of me, his body weight presses against every line of mine.
His head hovers inches above mine, forcing me to look into his golden eyes. They blaze, bright and punishing as the sun. My blood runs hot, my insides are broiling. The rage builds inside me like steam, the pressure so agonising I might explode.
“I never left you. I’ve always been right there.
Right here waiting for you to need me. To want me!
” shouts Idris, his words quaking and brash.
“I have always been right there. Every single day. But you didn’t need me, you didn’t want me.
One word and I would’ve been at your side.
One look and I would’ve done anything you asked.
I have been right here. I have been waiting.
Every day I have watched you lead as our Maestrus and you have been magnificent … but you haven’t needed me once.”
“You said I stole the city!” I shake my head at his false words. “You said—”