Chapter Five
Xander
“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I was in her city again even before I could talk myself out of it. I’d told my family that Alexandra was better off without me, and I meant it, but I couldn’t seem to make myself stop coming to check on her. The first time I saw her, I was filled with the most basic, primal knowledge that she was mine.
Ever since, I had been fighting this incredible compulsion to see her in person, make sure, with my own eyes, that she was safe.
I had long since put a tracker in her phone with the capability to access the camera and location. I’d also installed miniature cameras in her house, her car, and her office at the hospital. Despite my ability to have access to her twenty-four-seven, I tried to respect her privacy and only accessed the cameras when I knew she was alone in her house. Still, the need to physically lay eyes on her seemed as necessary as breathing.
At first, I could survive seeing her once every month. That lasted almost two months, and then it became every two weeks, then every week, and now I am barely restraining myself to every other day.
I stood in the shadows as Alexandra stepped from the police officer’s sporty car. Alexandra had the type of figure that drew interest from men and women alike. She was captivating. If her exotic curves weren’t enough, she moved with a sensuality that was all grace and femininity. It was almost as if she had the seductress allure that my egg donor had. However, Papa assured me that her fated-mate gift was quite different.
So, her allure, while compelling, was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I knew something was there.
As she moved toward the entrance of the restaurant, there was a slight flutter in my chest at the sight of her statuesque elegance. The flutter was so brief I wasn’t sure it had even happened. It was as if I knew that I should be feeling something, but my body and brain couldn’t quite get there. Mercifully, the iron-clad shield of cold indifference that was my constant companion engulfed me. And I could breathe calmly again.
Even the sight of her with her date didn’t pierce my cold shell. While I understood that she was my mate, and I should feel something seeing her with another man—I knew I should—I refused to go there. Other than having the guy investigated to ensure she was safe with him, I had no other primal need to be possessive. As far as I was aware, they had yet to become intimate.
If that happened… I stopped my thoughts there. I couldn’t even think it.
My lack of emotion didn’t stop me from trying to protect her, however. After the betrayal of Zachary, Luka’s trusted assistant, we took nothing for granted and had Danika “read” every being in our households or whoever came in contact with the family on a regular basis. I couldn’t do that with the people that came in contact with Alexandra, because I didn’t want my family to know how to find her. I had my staff do a detailed investigation on the policeman and her co-workers for any potential danger.
Of course, I insisted Papa ensure that there were no immortals lurking around her. Again, I could have asked Luna, Luka’s mate, to do that since that was her gift, but I didn’t dare.
As Alexandra and her date were about to enter the restaurant across the street from my hiding place, Alexandra suddenly looked over her shoulder directly toward my shadowy corner. I knew that she couldn’t see me, but clearly, she must have sensed me. But that was impossible, right?
She stepped away from the policeman and stalked toward me with determined, fluid strides, uncaring of the oncoming traffic that was streaming from both directions on the busy street.
God, I could have watched her move all day! Why was everything about her so damn seductive?
There was no way that I could let her get close enough that I might scent her. Given my brothers’ loss of will once they scented or tasted their mates, I wasn’t going to take any chances. I had to get out of there.
I froze time.
Everything around me froze: the traffic stopped, people stopped mid-stride and speech, and even the animals around me stopped mid-flight or crawl—frozen until I unfroze them, after a one-hour lapse, or as I left the area.
I gave my mate one last long look and was stunned, because she wasn’t frozen at all. She was continuing to barrel toward me, seeming oblivious to the frozen world around her. Her immunity to my powers had me at a standstill for a nanosecond, completely forgetting my intent to leave immediately.
“Don’t you dare move from that spot,” Alexandra yelled. “You’re going to stay and talk to me instead of stalking me like a damn criminal!”
Alexandra, with her long strides, made it to my sidewalk. I sank deeper into the shadows where I knew she couldn’t see me, hoping like hell there was some mistake, and she wasn’t actually trekking toward me.
“Why are you following me?”
Too late, I had forgotten why I was so diligently keeping my distance, because her scent hit me as she stepped onto the sidewalk. It was as if she punched me in the solar plexus, almost landing me on my ass. I couldn’t speak. Something was happening inside my chest, my belly, fuck, my entire body! Sensations. Throbbing, piercing, searing sensations.
Holy fuck!
Wanting to avoid any further exposure, I did the only thing I could. I ran out of there, breezing by her, at vampiric speed.
Confident that we were moving too fast for the human eyes, as always, Boggs loped along beside me in his wolf form.
Less than five minutes later, I entered my study at the mansion and willed my heart to stop beating so damn fast while struggling to stop the frenzied need threatening to consume me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. It was all too intense. I forced a deliberate, slow, in-and-out breathing pattern, trying to regain control. The effort had my skin covered with a light coat of sweat.
“You look as though someone just sucker-punched you,” Drako drawled.
Fuck! I barely restrained myself from jumping in surprise at his sudden appearance. There was no way that I would tell him that I had been so out of it I hadn’t sensed his presence in the mansion.
When all I could do was blink back at him, Drako narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
I couldn’t speak.
“Holy shit!” Drako awed. “You’ve been with your mate, haven’t you?”
I stared back at him mutely. How the fuck did he know that? Feelings coursed through me, chaotic and wild. I couldn’t settle on any specific emotion because I was hard-pressed to recognize any of them. I hadn’t felt in so long, I was finding it impossible to settle on a single emotion. It was both electrifying and numbing at the same time.
“Is she here in the city?”
I heard Drako’s words, but I couldn’t make sense of the words. I took in my older brother’s face for what seemed like the first time in years. A moment of familial recognition and affection slammed through me, and then it was gone as suddenly as it appeared.
All was quiet. The chaos in my head, the erratic beat of my heart, and the tingling sensations in my stomach stopped. My now-familiar hollow shell hovered and then settled over me like a welcomed cloak.
My mate’s scent was gone.
“Hey! Earth to Xander. What’s going on, man?” Drako gripped my left shoulder, trying to gain my attention.
“It’s nothing,” I finally muttered. There wasn’t a chance in hell I would tell him that I had just seen my mate in Michigan. Although we ran part of the way at vampiric speed to give me time to deal with my edgier feelings, Boggs flashed us the rest of the way home.
We were in New York, so there wasn’t a chance that he would find her several states over. I had been staying at the New York mansion that Drako and, really, the rest of us as well, thought of as his, even though we had four separate, private apartments within the mansion for ourselves—Papa, Luka, Drako, and me.
Once my niece and nephews become adults, we would probably have to get a bigger New York property.
Since Drako and Luka found and married their mates, Papa insisted I take over the U.S. side of our international conglomerate. Petrov Enterprises was massive, with interest and influence in almost every industry—energy, weapons, aerospace, entertainment, communications, etcetera. And now Luka and Drako had added American and British football teams to their personal portfolios.
Although he was responsible for our European division, Drako made it a point to teleport in to see me daily. I suffered through his visits, but I still wished that he didn’t bother.
“Yeah, right.” Drako sighed when he realized that I didn’t intend to comment further. “You know that I’m here for you. Hell, we’re all here for you.”
“Owen is waiting for reinforcements from us,” I told him with the usual lack of emotion in my voice, deliberately changing the subject.
Owen McGregor was the Alpha of one of the largest werewolf packs, a pack that had gotten significantly larger when Owen took over the pack of Conrad Greyson, Jr. Conrad had represented the werewolves on the Council for the immortals, which was formed by Papa and had a representative for the vampires, demons, and werewolves, the largest groups of immortals in existence. The Council had since been disbanded with Conrad’s betrayal. Owen killed him for it and became the Alpha of thousands of werewolves.
Owen and his four brothers—Zachary, Desmond, Boggs, and Aidan—together with seven other specially trained wolves used to make up our elite bodyguard forces. However, Drako killed Zachary for kidnapping Danika and throwing her into a pit of feral vampires. While Owen remained overall in-charge of our security, he ensured that Desmond, Boggs, and Aidan were supported by eight well-trained wolves to guard my brothers, their families, Papa, and me.
“Luka and Tristan are helping the wolves,” Drako muttered impatiently.
Tristan was a mobster, a vampire, and Danika’s older brother, making him Drako’s brother-in-law. Accepting Papa as his sire, Tristan was often on hand when Papa’s safety was in question. He saw himself as Papa’s son.
“Don’t think that I didn’t note your deliberate avoidance,” Drako continued. “What is this about, Xander? We are your family, and we want to help you.”
“There is nothing for you to do. There are no concerns,” I told him coolly. I welcomed the icing of my emotions again. I welcomed and celebrated the numbness. This was my safe space. In this hard shell, I was impenetrable. Nothing and no one could hurt me again.
After the experience of a few minutes ago, I knew now that my mate’s presence could potentially demolish that impenetrable wall, which I had so meticulously built, indefinitely with a much more prolonged exposure. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t want that.
“So, what does she look like?” Drako placed his palms on my desk and leaned toward me. He wasn’t going to let this go.
I calmly held his gaze. His sea-green eyes had always been identical to mine, but the stark deviation in our life experiences made his glow with love and happiness, while mine were dull and lifeless.
“I bet she’s beautiful,” Drako persisted.
“She is that,” I confirmed softly.
Drako sat on the desk as though he was getting more comfortable for a long chat. He should have known that, even before my altered emotional state, I was never into long, intimate chats.
“I’m assuming she is a woman of color like Luna and Danika.” He was shamelessly fishing and trying to get me to talk. The old me would have smiled at that.
I stared at him silently.
“I mean, since our mates are women of color, yours must be too,” Drako said conversationally.
My former self would have been amused by the frustration lurking in my brother’s clumsy attempt to interrogate me.
“How can you take being away from her?”
I started reviewing papers stacked neatly on my desk. My personal assistant and bodyguard, Boggs, would have left them there for my final signature. The electronic versions I had already read and vetted.
“And I’m not just talking about the mate’s allure,” Drako continued. He obliviously wasn’t going to be deterred by my silence. “How can you stand other men being around her?”
I stilled.
While I had already vetted the police officer, I had no idea how Alexandra felt about him. Again, that question persisted. Would I be okay with her becoming intimate with the police officer? My heart felt heavy in my chest. Yeah, that shit couldn’t happen.
I was stunned by my possessiveness of her. Just the thought of her date touching her had my inner beast pacing in agitation.
It took me a minute to realize that the loud growl that echoed throughout the room had come from me.
Drako chuckled.
I ignored his ass. I was still mentally pacing.
Her lips were mine. If that fucker kissed her, I was going to break his face. Her breasts were mine. If that fucker touched them, I’d break his fucking hands. She was mine, dammit. If that fucker… My growl shook the walls.
I discreetly flicked a button on my keyboard and the camera in her phone showed the inside of her bag. I didn’t dare turn on the audio until Drako left. That asshole would love the evidence of him being right. I was sure that if I could feel, I would be feeling frustration and impatience.
Drako laughed softly and murmured, “I guess you can’t,” as I kept staring at the darkened screen.
“Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the fact that your mate is dancing this weekend for a hip-hop music video?” I asked him coolly.
“Impossible,” he muttered, immediately losing any amusement he had been feeling. “My mate wouldn’t dare.”
“Perhaps you should go and work that out with her,” I hinted drolly, not trying to hide the fact that I wanted him gone.
Drako also knew that I would never lie to him. His mate had contracted to dance on a televised event, even though she was a little over a month pregnant. My brother left, looking as though he was about to broker world peace. I almost wished that I could feel amusement because I knew that this was a fight my brother would not win against a stubborn Danika.
Pushing aside my brother’s impending domestic conflict, I accessed Alexandra’s phone again. Her location, the camera, and the sound.