Ana
I didn’t get out of my room, as I couldn’t even watch myself in the mirror. I couldn’t even eat properly, but something inside me, most likely the contract I signed, pushed me to feed myself.
Because at the end of the day, I killed a man. It was not my place to do it. I feared that something must have possessed me in that moment, because there was no way the love for God pushed me to decapitate that man.
Maybe the guilt and anguish were not because I killed the man.
Maybe they bloomed because I enjoyed it.
Maybe I needed to confess my sins. But where would I do that when in the world I entered, there was no God?
I had no icon to pray to, only my imagination and my heart.
And the latter was not even there.
I did not have these feelings before. I could hide in a corner, weep, and then stand up and continue my day-to-day routine. Life in the countryside did not stop, so I could cry my sorrows.
Since the day I committed my first sin, I watched my family through the Souls’ Mirror.
They were happier, which dragged me deeper into my misery. They were smiling, which happened rarely when I was home and yet, my father was nowhere in sight.
And seeing the true face of the Goat Man did not bring me comfort at all. He was too stunning to look at. His nose was straight, his jaw was strong, and his lips were calling me. His dark locks reminded me of the midnight sky; his strange eyes mirrored the stars.
He was the devil himself, and I was subjected to him. I should have let him hide behind that cloak of his. I should have stayed with my God and nothing else.
A knock on the rock startled me. The Goat Man’s head peeked over the rocks. “You haven’t eaten today, Ana.”
Over the course of the past weeks, following my first ripped soul, he switched his behaviour towards me and the ghost.
He was calmer, he did not belittle me anymore, and he even apologised to Andrei once. But he had a motive.
To keep myself on the line for the nine souls left.
He strutted into the room with a tray filled to the brim with dough, sprinkled with sugar and filled with jam. The smell of the sweet powder invaded all my senses. The strawberry aroma woke my stomach.
I did not even have time to get used to these powers of mine.
The only thing I got to understand was that my emotions were higher than ever. Every unhappy moment became sorrowful; every happy memory was enhanced to being jubilant. And I couldn’t handle any of it.
“Goat Man?” I started, my nostrils flaring at the smell of the gogo?i.
He raised his dark eyebrows at me, his blue swirls swimming in the abyss. The Goat Man placed the tray in front of me, shuffling his handcuffs. He was dressed as a noble gentleman, in a white cotton shirt, black breeches and boots. In a way, I was glad he loosened that cloak.
“Who were you before becoming the Goat Man?”
He passed his hand through his midnight hair, leaving it tousled. “To be honest, I don’t know,” he sighed.
“How come you do not know?” I took a gogoa??, the sugar, sticking to my fingers. The strawberry jam exploded in my mouth as I took a bite.
He sat on his bed, which I had occupied for the past weeks, the earthy smell of his skin hinting at the way he carried me out of the Souls’ Pool.
“I…,” he began, his mouth twisting.
“You don’t have to tell me, if you do not want to,” I assured him, one of my hands touching his. The contact between our skins was something new for me. My fingers twitched. My eyes widened as I had another thought that could bring me damnation.
“I don’t remember. I know that I used a scythe to mow the hay. I remember all my siblings lying in their own blood. I cannot recall anything before that. And also, I don’t know how the Elk appeared and asked me to become the Goat Man.”
All kinds of thoughts were mixing in my head. “You killed your own siblings?” My voice rattled the ground, making me push the tray aside. I squeezed his hand hard.
It was not the murder that surprised me. I expected that of him. What scared me was who fell under his wrath.
I watched him become smaller. Pain spread across his face as a single tear fell down his cheek. I felt his hand starting to shake in mine.
“What about your parents?” I asked, worrying that the man who cared for me in the past few days, slaughtered his whole family.
“I either did not have any, or I do not own any memory of them,” he said flatly, shrugging.
I shook my head. “No… that cannot be true.” The realisation that I was still holding his hand dawned on me, so I released him, the touch lingering on my skin.
“In my case, it is,” he sighed. He had resigned; he was not curious anymore about his past.
“Tell me about your siblings,” I demanded, rising from the bed.
“I have nothing to tell you as I do not understand it myself.” His eyes bored into mine, and I knew he was sincere.
“What?”
“I do not remember, woman! How many times should I say that my rotten brain and soul cannot recall how my siblings died at my hand?”
His voice became louder, rattling even my bones.
My words lashed out. “I knew you were a murderer and that you turned me into one. But to kill your own family is beyond any evil I have encountered. You deserve nothing good that may come your way, Goat Man!”
He stood straighter as if welcoming the venom in my words.
“Stay away from me, Goat! I cannot look into your eyes.”
“That’s the thing, Ana,” he spat the words out. “I cannot. Because I bound myself to you until you take all those souls.”
“And whose fault is that?” I retorted, feeling my pulse boiling in my veins.
“It is mine, inim?. Only mine.”
I whipped my head towards him, desperate to find some trace of redemption in his face. He called me heart, as if that word was light when I had none in my chest.
“And to think that I almost thought of you as a friend,” I whispered, my hands feeling numb.
“I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. BE. YOUR. FRIEND!” He bit every word, his steps bringing him at nail’s distance from me. I felt his warm breath on my face as I stood my ground.
I knew that if I turned, our lips would meet. And if that happened, I would forget what he was, what he did.
“I cannot wait for you to collect the souls and be rid of this eternity,” he whispered, making me shiver. With that, he left me alone. The taste of the food turned bitter in my mouth.
Closing my eyes, I slumped on the cold stone, praying.
I prayed to succeed in my quest. If he didn’t help, I would do it all by myself.
Asking God for strength of mind and soul, I cried.
“Master seeks you, Ana.”
I turned to see Andrei holding a small shovel next to him. He wanted to pick every tomato from the small garden he had, but the weather was not in his favour. Which was not something true, since pouring rain would pass right through him.
“Why?”
My fingers were red from dyeing an old cloth. I was tired of seeing black, grey and white in this lair. So, I took some of the beets and made my own dye.
“I don’t know, woman!” He threw his arms in the air, sending the shovel into the stone wall.
Sighing, I left my work and marched into the Goat Man’s chamber.
I took a deep breath and stepped inside. As always, whenever I would set my eyes on him, my throat would constrict, my skin would catch fire, and my pulse would jump. But, since our last discussion, I had to snub all that aside and remember what he did to his family.
“You wanted to see me?”
His eyes raised from a parchment paper, making my knees go weak.
“Yes, you need to learn how to travel.” The sound of his voice did strange things to my stomach, and I tried not to be aware of my reaction.
“I do travel. By feet.” Every word sounded strangled.
Goat rose from his chair, leaving the paper on the table. “And if the soul is waiting for you at the mountain’s peak, would you walk all the way there?” His dark eyebrows raised.
I bit my lip. “I don’t understand why you care about my souls.”
“Ah, but I do, Ana.”
My eyes travelled over his attire, so different from my embellished one. That day, my apron was green with gold flowers on its sides. My skirt and ie were white, but the green motifs on the sleeves gave them a splash of life.
Puffing my cheeks, I nodded. “Fine. Teach me how to travel.”
In two strides, he caught my waist, pulling me closer to his body. I couldn’t say a word as in the next second, we were outside the lair. My palms touched his chest, my fingers gripping his shirt.
Even if we were out of the cave already, he didn’t release me. I felt my cheeks getting warmer. Nobody held me this close. His scent, his pulse in my ears, the wind caressing our ankles. He was too much.
Pushing myself away, I noticed how his eyes were fixed on the place where my hands were. He shook his head once, then looked at me.
“Now, in order to travel,” he said, clearing his throat, “you need to think of your destination.” Goat took a step to the left and gestured towards the first tree in the forest. “Try to think about it and travel to it.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. My imagination ran wild.
Behind my eyes, the bark of the tree appeared, its distinctive trunk rose taller.
For one second, I stood in front of the brute, and in the next, my shoulder hit something hard.
Wincing, I opened my eyes to see the maroon trunk. A smile broke over my lips.
The sensation was not unwelcome, and I enjoyed this perk of the new body I had. I wondered if I could use it to see my family. Perhaps this way I could travel with Angelica to see both the mountains and the sea. Oh, how joyful that would be!
Footsteps crunching the fallen leaves made me turn my head. The Goat Man’s eyebrows were knitted; his eyes fixed on the shoulder I had hit earlier. My gaze travelled to his fingers that twitched with each step he took.
Ignoring my trembling knees, I raised my head. “I can do this by myself, apparently. I don’t need your help.”
My voice was filled with venom, and as I sidestepped him, I regretted it.
Yet, I could never have warm feelings towards someone who slaughtered their entire family, regardless of the reason.