Chapter 19 #2
“Yeah, don’t I know it.” He shakes his head, sliding his shades on, and drops his gaze back to his phone.
Disappointment washes through me, but I’m not even sure why.
Get it together girl.
Sucking in a deep breath, I spin on my ass, turning away from him to face the pool and the sea beyond.
This place is seriously heavenly. If I didn’t have all the extra bullshit to deal with—okay that sounds a little harsh. My twin’s wedding isn’t bullshit, but you know what I mean—this place would make my soul sing with happiness.
Flipping open the laptop, I check my emails and see one waiting from Jen.
From: EditorJen@
To: MiaMonroe@
Subject: Dickonomics is a hit!
Hello my little star.
I hope you’re having the best time in paradise with that hunk you’ve landed yourself. In fact, you better be riding him ragged.
But if you’re reading this after you’ve sent him into a post-sex man stupor, then you’ll be pleased to note Dickonomics was a huge success. We’ve been inundated with emails about it. They loved your dry reaction and breakdown of the apps, and want more.
Do you think you have time to do a second quick article while you’re there?
Article isn’t even the right word. More of a What Not To Do On First Dates list?
We can run it online under the Dr. Reality Check, Love, Mia umbrella and print it in next month's edition.
Let me know.
J
P.S. Have a shot of ouzo for me!
P.P.S Are you having a good time?
P.P.P.S What do you think of the toys?
Chuckling, I scan the general company email folder. Sure enough, there are hundreds of emails with the subject Dickonomics.
Fuck yeah.
From: MiaMonroe@
To: EditorJen@
Subject: RE: Dickonomics is a hit!
Hell yes! That’s awesome.
And sure I can. I’ll kick something back to you in the next few days.
Sorta like a Dating How Don’ts?
1. Under no circumstances do you kick your shoes off in the movie theater on a first date. Your date doesn’t need to know if your feet reek this soon in your courtship.
2. Morticia Addams might have loved having her arm kissed. But just because you’re dating a “goth” girl, doesn’t mean she wants the same treatment. Put the arm down and leave that shit to Gomez. Let’s be honest, you don’t have his suave style anyway, do you?
How’s something like that?
I haven’t even opened the box of toys yet.
I better grab that from Swayze’s suitcase.
Speaking of toys, the TSA agent pulled out my vibrator because the fucking thing turned itself on!
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to pack it, but you better believe I’m hurling it off this cliff.
Hopefully I’ll find my replacement BOB in that stash.
I don’t love ouzo—yes, I know, sacrilege. Bite me—but I’ll have a Sex on the Beach for you instead. The COCKTAIL, Jen. I know where your mind went.
And it’s only day two. I’ll report back on the good times in a few days. I’m still recovering from my TSA cringefest right now.
M
Firing off the email, I crack open a new document, excited to start the Dating How Don’t list.
It’s the perfect tie-in with my Dr. Reality Check column. I can unleash so much fun and snark into it.
My email pings straight away, because apparently Jen has no life. Although I’m no different when I’m at home either—or now, considering I’m in paradise working instead of swimming, tanning, or fucking like most normal people would be.
Not that I can be fucking.
The back of my neck burns with a tingling sensation.
Is Swayze watching me or am I imagining it with all the talk about fucking him?
It’s probably the latter, besides it’s not like I can perform an Exorcist worthy neck turn to check without him noticing.
From: EditorJen@
To: MiaMonroe@
Subject: RE: RE: Dickonomics is a hit!
I knew you were my favorite. Yes.
DATING HOW DON’TS! EXACTLY LIKE THAT!
Sorry, sorry, caps button got a little sticky… or I’m excited!
You are smashing this, girl!
Can’t wait.
Talk soon.
J
God, I love her. I know that’s not the norm, but I’m so lucky I’ve got this job.
I lose myself to work, not even stopping to stare at Swayze when he strolls past to dive into the pool—that’s solid progress.
Gold star for me.
3. Veganism is a choice. Yours. Theirs. No one’s judging, but it’s on you to ask the question if it’s that important to you. Don’t assume they have the same proclivities as you then rage if they don't. They might just like steak, dude, and that’s ok!
4. Speaking of steak, if you’re inviting your date to a fancy restaurant, don’t show up sweaty in ripped-up gym clothes.
Read the room, bro. If this isn’t a late-night MatchNote hookup where the only objective is to insert tab A into slot B, make a damn effort.
Dress up. Shower. Actually, try to look like you want that second date.
Then TALK. But not just about yourself. Don’t just sit in awkward silence—take an interest, ask a question about them.
(P.S. Even before a MatchNote hookup, be sure to shower.
No one wants to touch a dirty sex part.)
5. Sex is a sport. This is true. Great exercise, but we don’t need you to announce before you even get going that you really need to get fitter.
Keep that shit in. Also, while we’re at it, before you run off the starting line, make sure you’ve removed both your socks.
There isn’t anything hot about an overeager puppy in one sock making grabby hands to remove our panties.
6. Never tell someone “I love you” on the first date. Let’s be real, you don’t. They’re hot, and you're just horny!
7. pics and you. You have to know, if you send them, they’ll show their friends.
So if you don’t want that shit getting out, refrain.
We are not on Snapchat, my dudes. You could maybe try and wow them with your conversation skills instead of the size of your eggplant.
We all know that’s mostly just good angles anyway.
8. Black leather gloves during playtime. Unless you’re into a specific scene (no kink shaming here), don’t slide them out. Especially if it’s your first message. No one thinks seeing your little mushroom cloud spilling onto the black leather is hot with zero context. It. Just. Looks. Weird.
9. We know some people have made serious moolah getting their adult vids out there, but if you’re trying to get someone to agree to meet you for a first date, sending them your home vids with multiple other partners prooooobably isn’t the way to do it.
They might watch prawn, but that doesn’t mean they want to be Prawnhubs next homegrown star.
10. —
Swayze climbs out of the pool and entirely kills my flow with all his wet, rippling manmeat.
Thou shalt not be led into temptation.
Not today, Satan.
Consider me a straight-up vegetarian. Manmeat is strictly off the menu.
“You don't mind sharing your office, do you?” He doesn’t wait for a response, plopping down on the lounger beside me with all the grace a six-foot four giant can muster. Dammit.