Chapter 34 #3
When one of my favorite songs, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, comes on, he leads us into a darker, more secluded corner of the deck and tips my chin up, brushing his lips over mine.
I pour everything into this kiss, knowing it’s probably wise to make it our last.
He exhales sharply, pulling me tight against him, singing the lyrics he knows I love so much while we sway. I bury my face into his chest, a silent, solitary tear escaping and falling down my cheek.
Well shit.
So much for not crying.
“Mia?” I freeze, muffling a response while trying to quickly swipe away the tear before he notices. I back myself closer to the wall hoping the shadows make it less obvious that I’m crying.
His hand trails up, cupping my face, his thumb caressing my bottom lip sending shivers skittering down my spine.
“These last few weeks here together have been the best of my life. I need you to know that. I… do you…”
He smiles nervously at me, pulling his jacket tighter around my shoulders before looking up at the sky. The second he brings his gaze back to mine he sucks in a shuddering breath.
“Christ. What I’m trying to say so badly is that I love you, Mia.
Not as your friend. Not as your roommate.
But as your man. I’ve loved you for a really long time.
The second we kissed at Jett’s that night, you smashed the wall I’d kept around my feelings.
There hasn’t been anyone else, not since that first night.
That sex ban was for you. To prove to you that I’m not the playboy you think I am.
I don’t need sex or attention from anyone else, Mia.
I never have. I just want to love you the way you deserve. ”
He spots a lone tear running down my cheek and softly swipes it away with his thumb.
“Angel, these last two weeks have proved to me that I can’t live without you.
I don’t want to live without you anymore.
Not now that I know what it’s like to really be with you.
There’s nothing I want more than to go home with you in two days, show up with you on my arm at the ball, and announce to the world that you’re it for me.
” He pauses, brushing a stray curl off my face, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I think you might be starting to feel the same way about me too. Please… let me love you, Mia?”
His voice falters on the last line and my heart cracks wide open. There is so much hope spilling from his silver-blue eyes right now.
Fuck.
I can’t do this.
His brows slam down over his eyes at whatever he sees on my face.
Swallowing, I brace myself, my neck and shoulders tight with tension. I drop my gaze to look at the floor because the pained look on his face is like a knife to the heart.
“I’m sorry, Swayze. I apologize if I’ve led you on in any way, it was never my intention. I don’t feel the same way.” My words come out small. Quiet. Weak.
But he hears them all the same.
“You can’t be serious, Mia. This was all fake for you? Last night under the stars? This morning? You were faking those words?”
Keeping my gaze fixed on the floor, I nod tightly, not trusting myself to say another word while my heart shatters alongside his in real time.
“Bullshit. That’s bullshit. You’re lying to me. You're scared, baby. I get it, but I promise you I will never hurt you. I would destroy the world before it got the chance to hurt you. I need you to believe that. Please. Look at me, Mia. Don’t make me beg.”
More tears flood my eyes and there isn’t a hope in hell I can keep them at bay this time. When I finally look up at him again, I see the same pain reflected back at me.
Jesus, I’m the world’s shittiest human.
It’s not fucking fair.
Why didn’t he say any of this when we were teenagers?
Why couldn’t he have asked me out before Pete sunk his claws into me and destroyed me for anyone else?
Why wasn’t it him back then?
God, I wish it would’ve been.
I want it to be him so bad.
Sucking in a ragged breath, I steel myself to deliver the next words. I know I have to, because if I don’t, he’ll keep fighting and I can’t have him do that. I can’t hurt him anymore then I already have.
It’s not fair to him. He can’t keep holding on to someone who doesn’t exist. Someone who can’t love him back the way he deserves. Someone too broken to love the same way he loves.
“I’m so sorry, Swayze. I thought we were on the same page. I’m not looking for anything more with you. Or anyone. I really hope you understand. I promise it’s not you, it’s all on me, but please, can we still be friends?”
“Mia…” His voice cracks and he looks broken. His eyes, disbelieving. Pleading. So full of emotion. A total contrast to Pete’s soulless cold hard gaze. But it wouldn’t take much to imagine Swayze’s icy gaze turning hard. Cold.
I couldn’t stand it if Swayze ever looked at me that same way.
I have to stop him before I fold.
I want nothing more than to tell him the truth. To sob in his arms until he promises to make it all okay.
But he can’t make this okay.
He can’t make me okay.
I have to learn to do that alone.
By letting him go once and for all.
“Fisticuffs.” I use the safe word I jokingly suggested what seems like months ago.
I never thought I’d need it.
Pain seeps into his gaze as he closes his eyes, hiding them from me. The muscle in his jaw pulses so violently, I physically have to fight the urge to cup my hand over it.
Another tear trickles down my cheek and he swipes it away with his thumb and brings his forehead down to mine.
The move is so achingly familiar, so like home… but he’s using it to say goodbye now. He nods, mumbling the word “enough” just loud enough for me to hear before pressing his lips to my forehead.
I stare after him as he walks back down the walkway towards our room, his head down and shoulders slumped. Mario stops him, but from where I’m standing, I can’t hear what they’re saying.
I shrink back into the darkness, pulling his jacket up to my nose as the tears fall faster now, blinding me entirely.
How did I manage to break an already broken heart so badly?