Chapter 22
Most every night this week I’d spent tossing and turning with a new loop of regrets—not getting out of the car to see my child last Saturday, coming dangerously close to giving in and buying something to numb my hurt, that almost kiss with Henry.
Today, I needed to put all that out of my head and focus on this chance to face my brother for the first time in months.
I took my time getting ready, curling my hair, putting on a fresh pink dress. I wanted to look like someone who had her act together. I did have my act together, but I had a very stubborn man to convince.
“You can do this,” I told my reflection before setting off to North Charleston.
During both stints in rehab, I’d become accustomed to therapy.
They were fairly big on it, both in a group setting and one-on-one, so this should have been like second nature by this point.
But sitting beside my brother, it was nothing but awkward.
Rightfully so, since I was still a bit shocked that Cy actually agreed to this in the first place.
On the opposite end of the navy velvet couch from my stoic brother, my fingers glided over the soft fabric on the armrest. Almost absently, in a way of seeking comfort without realizing it, like smoothing a security blanket.
As we waited for the therapist to join us, I made a swirling pattern.
I wondered if they placed this couch here as some type of sensory therapy. Probably.
The door opened so I brought my hand to my lap, as if caught red-handed. A thirty-something woman walked in, wearing a flowy top and casual slacks. Even she knew summer in the Lowcountry was just too much to handle in fussy business attire.
“Hi. I’m Shari. You must be Juniper and Cypress.”
My brother shook his head. “Just Cy, please.”
“And you can call me Junie,” I added.
“Lovely.” Shari gave us a warm smile. “May I offer you a water or coffee?”
I shook my head, too nervous to drink anything. With how tight my throat was, I’d probably choke to death.
“Water is fine,” Cy said, sounding a bit haughty. He had agreed to be here but he was making sure I knew he wasn’t happy about it. “Chilled if you have it.”
After Shari delivered Cy his chilled water, she moved to her desk and gathered a pen and leather notebook. Bringing both with her, she took the navy-and-cream-striped wingback chair across from us. “May I be honest with you for a moment before we get started?”
Shrugging, we both nodded.
“I normally have couples or family counseling sessions. This is my first sibling session. I’m quite excited to work with you.”
I held back a snort. This woman had no idea what she was getting herself into. I sure didn’t associate the word excited with me and my brother. Uncomfortable would be a better description.
Shari crossed one leg over the other, placed the notebook in her lap, and flipped it open. “So . . . I’m told you both have had a rocky few years . . .” She gave us an encouraging look, perhaps to provoke us to admit all the dark secrets.
We both remained mute. The poor woman would need a crowbar to pry information out of us that quick in the game.
Minutes ticked by on the wall clock. I glanced at it, taking in the details. Weathered white wood designed to look like a ship wheel.
The therapist cleared her throat with a soft cough, getting my attention. “Junie, would you like to start?”
Beads of perspiration broke out along my forehead and my leg began to bounce. In my peripheral vision, Cy shifted. A quick glance his way revealed him shooting death glares at my jumpy leg. I pressed my foot into the carpet to make it stop. “I, uh . . . as you know . . . I, uh . . .”
“Good grief. I don’t have the time or the patience for this!” Cy’s outburst made me jolt. “Just tell her how you drove drunk with your baby in the back seat, on the way to get my child, and got yourself arrested!”
Head whipping around, I gawked at my red-faced brother.
I’d never seen him so livid, as if my stuttering had detonated a bomb of emotions in him.
Not even when he bailed me out of jail that day had he reacted this way.
Shame warming my cheeks, I returned my gaze to Shari.
“I wasn’t planning on driving that day but Lana called, frantic.
Their son was sick and needed to be picked up from school.
I should have told her I couldn’t, but she and Cy had done so much for me, and I was ashamed to admit I had been drinking.
It was my wedding anniversary and I was having a rough day and—”
“See!” Cy stabbed a finger my way. “Excuses. It’s always the same with her.”
I hiccupped, trying to hold back a sob. The hardest part of this new dynamic between my brother and me was that the two of us used to be a team, an “us versus them.” But now it was him against us. I hated so much that I was now in a category with my parents.
“Let’s take a breath.” Shari’s voice had taken on a soothing tone. I’m sure that came with training and years of experience. “Cy, you seem a little angry.”
“A little angry?” He laughed, bitter and brittle.
Shari jotted something down in her notebook. “Would you like to talk about why you’re so angry?”
“Where to start?” Cy laughed that non-laugh again. “This isn’t Junie’s first mess-up. It’s been years of dealing with her. It’s exhausting.”
“What else has she done to cause you anger?”
“We’re going to need a whole heckuva lot longer than an hour.” I braced for the embarrassing answer I knew would follow. “How about my son’s first birthday party. Junie showed up wasted and knocked the gift table over. In front of my friends and colleagues. Half of Alex’s gifts fell into the pool.”
My sarcasm showed up and spilled out of my mouth even as the sweat broke out along my hairline and my stomach twisted with nausea. “Good thing he was too young to remember, right?” Who was I kidding? I feared none of us would ever forget.
Cy continued talking as if I hadn’t said a word, shifting on the couch so he could speak directly to me.
“What about Lana’s graduation from nursing school?
You didn’t show up but then blamed it on me because I forgot to remind you.
Like I had nothing else in the world to worry about besides my spoiled brat of a sister.
You caused a scene, going off on me in front of our family at Easter.
” He turned to Shari. “That’s Junie for ya.
When she’s guilty of something, she somehow twists it in her delusional brain to make herself the victim. ”
My bottom lip quivered but I managed to keep the tears from spilling. He had all the right in the world to be angry with me, but still, I was his little sister, right? The one who depended on him. Maybe that was something else I’d gotten wrong, depending on him too much.
“Junie, is there anything you’d like to say?” Shari asked, continuing in that calm tone.
Swallowing past the rock lodged in my throat, I admitted, “I’ve messed up more times than I care to admit. I want to make things right between me and my family. That’s why I’m here.”
“Do you mind talking about what led to your mess-ups, as you put it?” Shari waited again, giving me time to think before responding.
“I’m an alcoholic in active recovery.”
“When did your problem with alcohol begin?”
“I don’t know, I had my first drink when I was thirteen.
By sixteen, I was doing drugs and drinking most every day, even before school.
I quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, but I relapsed after my daughter was born.
” I stated that like a fact sheet, the same way I had done during sessions in rehab.
“I’ve been to rehab twice because of it. ”
“And what did you learn?” Shari tipped her chin, encouraging me to continue down a path filled with painful truths.
“When things get too heavy, I used to turn to substances to lighten it up. To block some of it out.” I shrugged. “But I’ve learned that was a delusion. It only caused more problems.”
“What steps have you taken to not cause more problems?”
“I’ve been sober for seven months, two weeks, and six days. I go to weekly AA meetings and I keep in close contact with my sponsor.”
“Junie, it’s good that you have recognized what you need to work on.” Shari turned her attention to my brother. “And, Cy, with time, I do believe you can forgive your sister. From my experience, this world is mostly us against them. Family doesn’t have to be that way. It’s your choice.”
She echoed my earlier thoughts and I wanted so badly to be back on his side and be done with us being against each other. She was right though, this was up to Cy, not me.
Cy grumbled something unintelligible, shifting on the couch as if the velvet held an army of ants.
Shari wrote something else down just as a timer went off. Had we even managed to complete one thing in this rapid hour? I doubted it.
“I think this has been a good start.” Shari looked at us expectantly, pausing to give us a chance to respond. We didn’t. “Will this time next week work for you?”
Cy spoke first. “No. I live in Columbia. This is actually a big inconvenience, especially since my family and I are in the middle of packing up to move.”
I think he added that last part as a dig, or I took it as one anyway.
“We provide counseling sessions via Zoom. Will that be more convenient?”
I liked that she didn’t give him an out, but an option. I nodded. “Works for me. Whatever is best for Cy.” And I meant that, not even a smidgen of sarcasm in there.
Cy heaved a heavy breath. “I guess. But can we make it a morning session? Eight would be best.”
“Great. Junie? Does this suit your schedule?”
“I’ll make it work, yes.” My mornings were delegated to dog walking, but I kept my mouth shut. One time a week, I could rearrange my schedule.
We wrapped things up, stopping by Shari’s assistant’s desk in the small lobby to set up the Zoom meeting for next week. Then, in stiff silence we walked outside.
In the parking lot, neither of us seemed done speaking our piece.
Glaring at Cy over the hood of his car, I snapped, “Why does everything have to be so dang hard with you?”
He raked his fingers aggressively through his thinning hair. “You’re the one who’s always been hard to deal with. Years of it, Junie! It’s formed calluses.”
We had another glaring standoff while I gathered my feelings and filed them away so that I could speak evenly.
“I may not ever be able to make things right by your high standards, but I have by the law’s standards.
So whether you like it or not, you will give me my child back before you move to Tennessee.
” Needing to get away from him before I said something I’d regret, I beelined to the Caddy.
I had known our problems wouldn’t be fixed in one hour, that things would get worse before they got better, but it still felt like this had been a fool’s errand.