Chapter 39
Dark clouds had showed up this afternoon and brought along a rainy mess.
I tried not to flash back to the night of the hurricane as I arrived at Patsy’s, but it was almost impossible.
Flashes of driving here in the rain, then back to Sullivan’s Island where a nightmare had awaited.
Taking a few breaths, I reassured myself that Gilbert was keeping tabs on Deaton and he was, in fact, in a rehab facility on the Big Island.
I flipped up the hood of my raincoat, jumped out of the Caddy, and made a run for it.
“Over here!” Gilbert waved me toward the gate and we both darted past it and met the rest of the group standing underneath the side portico. “Eww-wee, it’s a real frog strangler out here.”
“A what?” Pearl asked.
“He means that’s a serious downpour.” I pointed toward the heavy sheet of rain.
Pearl sucked her teeth, shaking her head. “Yous have the weirdest sayings in the South. Just say what ya mean.”
“Now, Pearl, you’re welcome here, and all, but don’t go tryin’ to change us.” Gilbert dipped his chin. “Besides, the way we say things is much more interesting.”
The door swung open. “Y’all come on in!” Patsy, barefoot in a pink hibiscus-printed caftan, waved us inside. “I have a special room to show you!” Where we all looked like drowned rats, she resembled a freshly blossomed flower with fresh highlights in her curly hair.
Our wet shoe soles squeaked against the floor as we followed her to a set of interior French doors.
Patsy turned to face us, the skirt of her dress swishing from her abrupt movement.
“Wait till you see this fabulous room. It has the potential to change your lives.” She reached behind her and opened the double doors, revealing a completely empty space.
Nothing but plain white walls and richly stained wood floors.
Pearl let out a cranky huff. “It’s just an empty room, for crying out loud!”
“But, honey, it’s filled with all the people who have walked in your shoes.” Stepping backwards, Patsy ushered us inside the vacant room. “It’s filled with all the people who control your future. Y’all see ’em?”
With puzzled looks, we scanned the room, shaking our heads.
“No,” Axil answered for all of us.
“Neither do I!” Patsy beamed. “In that same regard, these are the people who you should allow to determine your identity, to influence your life.”
Standing beside Gilbert, I let that resonate, how I’d spent most of my life letting someone else decide my identity.
Scanning the empty room, I saw flashes of my neglectful parents too busy to see the real me, too distracted to notice my cries for help.
Blinking Mom and Dad away, I saw flashes of Cy and his criticism, his disappointment, his stern judgment.
Then I caught a glimpse of Arlo in the corner, a mischievous smile on his face.
He’d painted me in a warped image of my true self, enticing me to rebel against anyone and anything.
With each slow blink, I banished them all until no ghostly images remained.
“The next time you go wasting your time on worrying about the opinion of other people, I want you to picture this room right here.” Patsy stabbed a pink-tipped index finger in every direction.
“This empty room. You are loved, you are cherished, and you are chosen by our Savior, and your identity is far greater than any label someone tries to place on you. Don’t ever forget that. ”
Patsy allowed us time to absorb the lesson she’d laid plainly before us. Then she clapped her hands, in true Patsy fashion. “Alright! Now who’s ready for some cake?”
Content with a full belly and my spirits lifted, I went home, but as soon as I pulled into the driveway my heart plummeted when I found Lana on the front porch. I shoved out of the Caddy and hurried to meet her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I wanted to come up a day early so you and I could spend some time together.” Lana stood. “I’m locked out.”
“Oh. Sorry about that. I changed the locks. The . . . uh, door codes weren’t working very well.
” I hurried up the steps. “I had a spare key made for you and Cy.” I unlocked the door and disarmed the new alarm system, then led her into the kitchen.
I fished out the extra keys from the drawer and handed them to her. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”
Lana perched on a stool and surveyed the kitchen. “I’ve done my best to stay out of this . . .” She returned her blue eyes to me. “But before Cy and the children get here, I wanted you and me to have a talk.”
I settled on the stool beside her. “Whatever is bothering you, please just tell it to me straight.”
A few tense moments passed before Lana spoke in a quiet voice. “Fern . . . She cried for you that first month. No child should have to go through what you’ve put her through. It’s almost unforgivable.”
That hit as hard as a runaway train. I rubbed my chest and tried to catch a breath. “I—”
“No. Let me finish.” Lana sniffed. “After Arlo died, Olla had a heart-to-heart with me and Cy. She told us, Junie’s young, pregnant, and now a widow.
We are going to have to help her pull up her bootstraps.
Don’t ever leave her to do it on her own.
” Lana ran her finger along a vein of gray in the marble.
She looked over at me with watery eyes. “Cy thought that maybe some tough love was what you needed this year after what you did, but that’s not what Olla would have wanted. We failed her too.”
“No. The blame is all on me. It’s taken a while, but I understand that now.
Yeah, I had some awful things happen but it’s on me for how I handled it all so poorly.
” I reached over and placed my hand on top of hers.
“Lana, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you and our family through. Genuinely, I’m sorry.”
“You already apologized in your letter, so don’t apologize again.
” She placed her other hand on top of mine.
“No matter how furious we’ve been with you, it’s time to let that go.
Our family needs to start moving forward, and we can’t do that if we keep dragging up the past and dwelling on our mistakes. ”
“Mistakes are like ghosts, though. They haunt me.”
“Speaking of haunting, I thought you should know Henry has spent most of the summer trying to convince Cy to let you see Fern. He’s been quite persistent.”
“I can’t believe y’all had someone spying on me.” Huffing a laugh, I let go of her arm.
“I didn’t know Cy hadn’t told Henry about Fern or much about your situation until he showed up back in June and gave Cy an earful. For what it’s worth, he’s really advocating for you. Telling us how dedicated you’ve been to your meetings, working, staying sober.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m going to make sure Fern is back with you before we move to Tennessee.”
I shook my head, trying not to get my hopes up. “I doubt Cy will go for that.”
“Your brother is stubborn, but he’s coming around. You should know, this weekend is a test to see if you’re ready. That’s really why I’m here early, to help you, but . . .” She peered around the room. “It looks like you have things under control.”
Had she expected to find the place trashed?
“Fern’s room is ready and I bought a car seat. I’ve taken a CPR class too. What else should I do?”
Lana smiled. “Fern’s a little thing, so you’ll need a gate for the top and bottom of the stairs, child safety locks for the cleaning supply cabinets, and I’d put any of Olla’s things you don’t want broken out of Fern’s reach.”
Excitement welled inside me, making it hard to sit still. This was happening. Really happening! I was getting another shot. “I’ll go to the store first thing in the morning.”
“Oh, and regular laundry detergent irritates Fern’s skin. You’ll need to use one that’s dye- and perfume-free.”
I grabbed my notepad and jotted down Lana’s preferred detergent brand. I fired off question after question, wanting to know Fern’s routine, her favorite books, foods, shows, activities. “What about hobbies? What does she like to do?”
“She loves to color, just like her mommy and daddy.” Smiling, Lana swiveled her stool to face me.
“I know Fern is still young, but I think she may be musically talented. She doesn’t just hum along to songs, she harmonizes with them.
Just something to keep in mind, and if she shows interest, you might want to explore it. ”
I nodded, impressed by my child, and thought about Mei.
“I know just the right person to help me if she does.” Hearing myself say that with such confidence caught me off guard for a moment.
I had a lot of right people in my life now.
People I could trust, lean on, depend on, people who could turn to me for the same kind of support. Such a satisfying truth. “What else?”
We sat at the kitchen island making a list of all the things I needed to get done.
I was so ready to get on with it, loved that my life was about to become the opposite of boring and lonely.
I glanced around the kitchen, picturing the fridge covered in drawings and smudges from little hands, sippy cups in the sink, tiny shoes piled by the door.
I pictured a house lived in, noisy, and chaotic, knowing all that chaos would transform it into a home.
Lana made it clear, we were turning the page on the past and starting fresh. It felt good to not dwell on the mistakes, but focus on plans for a healthier future.
Moving forward, I decided to stop living in the past of shoulda, woulda, coulda, and start living in the now with I shall, I will, I can.