Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
Kim
Walking from the clinic for the final time is bittersweet.
Affection coming from Holly, Dominique, and the staff today was as true as mine is to them.
The send-off lunch was unexpected. My cheeks still hurt from Carol’s comedy set.
She made us laugh till our cheeks hurt, talking about the man who walked in this week with an arrogant monkey on his shoulders. He wasn’t mean, he was entitled!
Currently the monkey on my back is starting to bug me.
I thought by now I would be able to see the direction of my next adventure.
It is important I look at it that way. Not knowing where I am bound but trusting the journey.
How many times have I said that to my child?
Now I want to eat my words because of Hunter’s issue.
If he follows my path life would be harder.
Better he goes to college, gets a degree in whatever calls him and get a good paying job.
I’m no Pollyanna. For me there will be few meaningful jobs to choose from.
A sunny attitude only counts for so much.
Approaching forty, and the thought I still have decades till social security, is sobering.
Thank God for the insurance money. It has bought me time to make thoughtful decisions.
I remind myself of the greatest reason to stay positive.
I have survived the wars so far, so why not now?
Hmm. What’s on my windshield? I retrieve the folded paper with bold writing across the front. Landon was here is the message and it brings a smile as I look inside.
Call you tonight if I haven’t jumped off a cliff.
Chuckling, I tuck the note in my hand and get in the car. Alright. He made it back late last night in anticipation of Ronnie’s release from the rehab center today. Landon Podesta, and our one quarter of a date two weeks ago, shows up in my mind too much to be dismissed as a passing thought.
It is the date and heat to beat. Why did fate put a hold on the proceedings?
That bitch is fickle. We don’t have much time for a romance anyway.
He will be going back to Memphis sooner than later, and I will be here.
Pulling out of the parking space and turning down the music, I head home.
There’s just ten minutes to iron this whole story out in my mind.
The last few weeks the calls that came were not flirty.
Not once did he try to start with the sexy talk.
They were more about the tangled story of how to set up caring for his father.
There has been no masking the grumble. It almost defines him.
Even though it isn’t directed at me, I hear it clearly.
Both men are struggling to adapt to the accident’s consequences. The father has never relied on help and the son has to come up with a plan that takes in man, beasts, both jobs, and two homes four hours apart.
No doubt there are lots of moving parts.
Can it be as bad as he makes it sound? Ronnie can’t be that much of a bulldog.
He is the guy that always stays caftan cool.
He’s such a sweetheart whenever he comes to the clinic.
Why would Landon exaggerate though? Could be he is simply telling the unvarnished truth?
I don’t know either man enough to make a guess.
I have been on the other side of the equation, being cared for by a loved one. I get it. But when you don’t appreciate your caretaker, you are being a shortsighted ass. You are not the only one having to do something you never imagined. You are both out of the comfort zone.
I think of Colter and how much he sacrificed to make sure I was cared for properly after my car accident.
How he watched over Hunter. Love for the person who needs your back and legs and arms is the only way it works.
He rose to the occasion because of how strong our bond is.
The experience made better versions of each of us.
Like what happens when you become a parent. The sacrifices mold you.
Enough. I’ll think about it later. I turn up the volume and get lost in Luke Bryant and the cloudless day.
Once home, I get in my sweats and for the next few hours, fill the time cleaning out my bedroom closet. Then make Hunter’s favorite roast and potatoes. It’s five now. Don’t know if he will be home tonight, but at least he will have it over the next few days.
Return from college has made a hotel of our house.
Who is this guy? He checks in at random times on random days.
Mostly he is gone, spending the days and nights with friends.
Bing’s on break too, and they have maintained the tight friendship.
There are few rules now, and mostly they are for me. This is my new normal.
By nine o’clock I drag my tired ass into the inner sanctum. My bed has become cocoon and confessional.
Tonight the low light and small fragrant candle burning on the bedside table put me in the mood for reflection. I have become an expert at analyzing myself.
Slipping between the sheets, the honest retelling begins. Two and a half weeks isn’t much time. But it has been enough to dissect my life. I needed a deep dive into who I am, what I want, and if I am actively shaping it in the image. Hunter would find this new aim ironic. I’m mothering myself now.
With Ronnie in rehab, Landon’s trip back to his home allowed me to sit quietly with myself.
An advantage after we sparked that night.
The flint and the rock. Things would probably have gone too quickly, ending up in bed before I ever considered there was more to be had.
It would have happened. I am that sex-starved. And he is a sexy man.
That night at Pure Thai something happened.
I felt seen. It was a grown-up conversation between a man and a woman.
More meaningful to me than any romantic gesture or physical thrill.
It was not just sexual fire flowing between us.
The big story was the realization whatever he is made of connects with who I am.
He said he wasn’t romantic, then did a beautifully romantic thing.
He talked much more than I thought he would.
When I think of the first phone call, he seems like another guy.
I talked candidly about my child and my feelings.
Grandfather’s old saying comes to mind. Together we make good soup.
The phone calls have soothed two beasts.
Even though he is bitching about how many balls he’s juggling, and I am venting about my half-hearted job search, every minute has been enjoyable.
It isn’t like we are telling gilded versions of our life stories either.
We jumped past that into the let me tell you what my day was like place. It feels real and vulnerable.
Landon is more open than expected. When he growls, I hear worry.
The one thing that is clear, he left town, family, and friends to have another life.
Maybe he is a loner who doesn’t want to be involved with regular family dramas.
And that isn’t something to conveniently ignore because I like the look and sound of the man. I am a family person.
A few times I heard sleep in Landon’s voice as we talked late into the night.
Most times I was thinking about how he must have looked laying in bed.
Wonder if he thinks of me that way. Right at the first, he asked to see me as soon as he returns.
Love that. Between the bar and taking care of Ronnie, we couldn’t figure out exactly when it would happen.
Yesterday, I said I would bring a nice lunch one day for the three of us, and we could just talk and relax.
“Or you and I could get lost on the property,” he said, not laughing.
The most interesting thing he said was that the weeks back in Memphis had not been as he thought they would be.
It made us both chuckle when he blurted it was because our time together ruined him for bullshit conversations and annoying people.
I don’t think he had much patience for those to begin with.
He called it the best first date. I still have not gotten past those last two words. He wants more.
At the very least, one hour of stimulating conversation at the restaurant, and a two martini buzz kicked off a friendship that has promise. I like him. That could work if all else fails. When my phone stays silent, I shut off the light and reach for sleep.
I am in mid tiptoe over the wet kitchen floor, when he calls.
“Morning!”
He opens with the Ronnie Report.
“I may break whatever intact bones he has left. You’ll cover for me right?”
Laughing would not be good. But I want to.
“Well hello to you too,” I say, making a point.
“Sorry. Yeah, that wasn’t good. Hello, Kim. How’s your day going?”
“It’s a beautiful day.”
“You don’t want to hear about mine.”
“Is everyone settled?”
“Is it weird to be talking to you about this so much? I wish we were back across a table. I could tell you I like how you look. That would be more interesting than giving you a list of the many ways my father is fucking with me.”
“It’s fine. Tell me what’s happening.”
“So he came home yesterday afternoon. I had fed the animals, organized his room. Got the groceries. I have to set up the doctors’ appointments this afternoon. And pick up a prescription. There’s a list and I’m happy to do it all.”
Silence follows.
“And?”
“And the circus is in town. He’s like a bratty kid mad that Universal Studios isn’t on the agenda after Disneyland. He’s pissing and moaning about everything I do! Can you believe it? This is bullshit.”
“It’s going to take a minute, Landon. He is as out of his element as you are. Recovering from two surgeries. The sprained ankle. It’s a lot.”
His deep sigh says it all. I add another thought.
“You do realize this is only day two?”
He chuckles at that one.
“Yeah, I know. So when are you coming to visit? Say today. I never got my goodnight kiss, and I need it now.”
The thought of kissing him changes the day.
“Oh really? What about what I need?”
“Tell me what it is, and I’ll give it to you, no questions asked.”
I feel like digging my toe in the carpet and sticking a finger in my dimple.
“Maybe.”
“No maybe about it. So when is it going to happen?”
“Don’t you need a few days to settle? Ronnie may not want company at all.”
His voice raises.
“Dad! Kim says you may not want company. Tell her.”
“Oh my God, Landon! Is he right there listening?”
“Yeah. He knows he is bugging the shit out of me. I’m doing the same to him.”
I hear the voice of his dad in the background. “I’m the one in hell! Come over pretty girl. Rescue me from an ungrateful son!”
This is the first time I understand their dynamic. Their love language is bluster and chest thumping. I took it all too seriously when he was complaining the last few weeks. Maybe Landon was only venting.
“I happen to be free today.” I decide on the spot.
Landon’s tone changes.
“Great. What time?”
“Does one work? How about Mexican food? I make good enchiladas.”
“Yes. And yes. That would be perfect. Do I need to get anything?”
“Get calm. Everything is going to work out.”
“I have no idea how you know that, but you say it with such certainty I’m going to believe you.” He raises his voice. “If we can survive the day!”
“Go shit in your hat!” Ronnie hollers back.
The sight of the Podesta house doesn’t bring back the dark mood I was in last time. Actually, being on the property makes me feel happy. Safe. Not just from freaky strangers, but safe in the bigger sense of the word. A person recognizes comfort when it surfaces.
I pull up and park, the front door opens, and Biscuit and Barney come running out.
Inmates escaping a maximum prison with treats and tummy rubs.
Their barks greet me and as soon as the car door opens they start reporting the news.
Biscuit whines while Barney barks. The small dog’s one good eye is blinking furiously.
I almost hear him saying You wouldn’t believe what’s been going on!
“Hello sweet babies! Oh it’s alright!”
I pet their shiny coats and give kisses. Landon walks out on the porch, looks to the heavens, and presses palms together in prayer. All parties involved vie for my attention.
I climb the stairs and offer a sympathetic smile.
“So it’s all going great, I take it.”
“Let’s just call it what it is. Dad is having a hard time and so am I. Even the dogs are thrown.”
“Oh, no. It will get better, I know it will.”
He takes me in a hug, but it is the man who needs it. Whatever way it is offered, is not to be missed. We linger in the moment. Then he whispers in my ear.
“Save me.”
That wasn’t a plea for help. There was tenderness between the words. It was intimate. Did he notice the planet moved? His breath on my ear was an aftershock. We part, but eyes stay locked.
“I’ll try.”
That is the titillating response I come up with. He grins, as if I had said something brilliant. A few beats later, he opens the screen door and pushes the dogs inside. Much to their displeasure. He takes my hands in his and reverts to the initial topic.
“I’m sorry to be bitching so much, but my father’s driving me crazy. Not because he’s demanding. It’s the attitude. And the dark mood isn’t like him. I have the bar, and these friggin dogs. There’s the property. Not to mention my own job and …”
I stop the rant with a kiss. Don’t know why, but it seemed like a good idea.
He was the one who asked to be saved. It broke the cycle of his anxiety.
And it holds. The anxious expression completely changes to pleasure.
Taking my face in his strong hands he brings me close. We hover before the altar of desire.
Now it’s my turn to be schooled. Our lips come together in a kiss. Soft. At first barely touching lips. Daring each other’s desire to get what it wants. Then the moment when we take it all. There’s a storm inside that’s raging and I ride the wind.
When we part, his eyes say things I didn’t know I was waiting to hear. Are mine as easy to read? In this moment, there is a shift in my perception of the world. The green of the leaves seems brighter and the fluffy clouds are so close I could touch them. What is real?