25. #CoupleStatus #2
“Huh.” I guess that’s what I get for turning my phone off an hour after I sent the text so I didn’t obsessively stare at it.
Vance crosses his arms on the ledge. “It’s lucky there was an ATM next to your building, otherwise Doug’s lips would’ve remained sealed on your location.”
“Doug sold me out?” I pout. “That bastard.”
Vance raises one hand. “Yes, but only after he made me swear I wasn’t a murdering stalker.”
That appeases me somewhat, especially when I think of Doug working extra shifts to get his sister the new iPhone she wants for Christmas. “I guess that’s okay, then.”
Vance adjusts his position, the small movement making the ladder sway. “Jesus.” His fingers dig into the ledge. “This ladder takes more balance and core strength than spacewalk maneuvering.” He takes a breath once he feels steady. “I’d hate if my epitaph read He died in a field of cow patties .”
“I’m surprised you let your nephews talk you into this.” My voice is snider than I’d like to admit. “If you’re so afraid of dying and all.”
The dig hits hard, and he winces.
“I deserve that.” He looks down, as if ashamed.
“And I know that what I said probably sounded ludicrous to you, but those feelings… those feelings were real for me.” One of his hands clenches into a fist. “I spent thirty years being mad at my dad. Blaming him for leaving us, for dying.” He lets out a long, low breath. “I blamed Mom too.”
“Helen?” Despite myself, I lower to the floor, settling on my knees. “Did you talk to her after Heartbreakers?”
He nods, holding eye contact. Easier now that we’re at the same eye level. “Her and Brittany.”
My lips twist thinking about how that conversation must’ve gone. “I bet that was a fun talk.”
He snorts, but after a moment, the amused glint in his eyes turns to beseeching. “Give me another chance, Rose. Please.”
Caught off guard, I rock back.
“And it’s not just because of the baby.”
“Vance, I?—”
“I love you.”
Biting my lip, my eyes drift past him toward the glow of Cookie’s barn.
“I loved you before you told me about the baby, and I still love you.” He shifts his weight, moving into my line of sight.
“I love how you go all in, no safety net, just live life to the fullest. I love how you care about those around you, not only in big ways but in smaller, sometimes overlooked ways. I love how you push me out of my comfort zone, and not gently. You showed me how dark I’d made my life by lighting everything up around me. ”
“I love you too,” I can’t help but say. I don’t have it in me to lie or omit it. “And not just because you have super sperm.”
One side of his lips twitches.
“I love the drive and perseverance inside you that got you where you are today at NASA. I love how you might not be outgoing, but you actually enjoy being around people.” I glance down, taking an interest in the freckle on my knee.
“And I love how you never once tried to change me, but like me just as I am.” I tilt my head, the corner of my lips curving.
“Even when I’m riding a racist bully in blue Crocs like a prize bull at a rodeo in aisle five. ”
“ Especially when you’re riding a racist bully in blue Crocs like a prize bull in aisle five.”
That earns him a smile, but it fades when I continue. “But you hurt me when you left today.”
His mouth flattens. “I know.”
“And even now, after understanding why you freaked out the way you did, though I can empathize with it, the fact that running away was your first reaction really fucking stings. Especially when I was so happy. Like I finally found what I was meant to do.”
“Rose…” He looks lost like he doesn’t know what to say.
“You know my parents died, but I never told you about how they left me long before the car crash.” I slide to my side, my hip resting on the carpet in front of the window. “I grew up watching my parents leave. My dad, being on the racing circuit, mostly left for work.”
Vance opens his mouth, but I hold up a hand, knowing what he’s going to ask.
“This isn’t about you being an astronaut and flying into space for months at a time. I know the difference between leaving for work and leaving for other, more selfish reasons.”
Vance’s shoulders drop, and he lets out a sigh of relief.
“But my dad leaving to chase my mother, that was selfish. Mom made it very obvious she wanted to be anywhere else than with me. No matter how large the mansion or spending account. She was gone more than she was here, and instead of staying beside me, my father ran after her. I was always left.”
My body, heart, and soul feel deflated after confessing that, but instead of hiding it behind my usual sarcasm, I stare Vance directly in the eyes, letting him see all my pain.
“You need to know that I refuse to live the rest of my life worried about that happening with someone else I love. And I definitely won’t have my kid feel that way either. ”
“ Our kid.” Vance grabs my hand. “And they won’t feel unwanted because they aren’t. Promise.”
Whisps of hair that have fallen out of my top-knot swish back and forth as I shake off his words. “I’m not sure you get it. I’m not settling for less than everything. And if you can’t give me everything then I don’t want anything.”
“Okay.” Neck muscles tighten as he sets his jaw. “Then tell me what everything is.”
I drop my other hand over the one of his holding mine. “I want a family .” I press down, trying to imbue the word with everything it means to me.
“I want that too.”
I snort and pull my hands back, waving him away. “See, you say that now , but if we do this, you need to know I’m going to go all in.” Better to know now than later, I decide to let him in on my dreams, see if he can handle everything.
Vance frowns. “What’s all in?”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair, stopping when I remember it’s tied up. “For starters, I’m buying a house. A house in a good school district with a big yard, and maybe even a white picket fence.”
“I’ll call a realtor tomorrow.”
I narrow my eyes at his quick response. “It needs to be two story, with room to grow into but not a new build. Something with projects. Something Pinterest worthy.”
His nostrils flare, but he nods.
Thinking I have him on the ropes, I add to it. “And a big tree out back for a swing and a spot where you’ll barbecue every Sunday.”
This time the nod comes more easily. “I’m Texan. I love barbecue.”
I shift up on my knees, warming up to the topic. “And room for a pool, but not actually have a pool because pools are dangerous for little kids.”
“Agreed.”
“And when we do have a pool, you’ll have to host lots of neighbor get-togethers so we can vet all our kids’ friends to make sure they aren’t assholes.”
His eyebrows jump. “Kid s ?” he asks, elongating the s.
“Yes.” I slap my hand down on the sill. “Plural. As in more than one.” I eye him, waiting for a fight. “I’m not having an only child.”
Instead of rising to the bait, Vance smiles. “Sounds great. More cousins for Jase and Jacob.”
I sink back on my heels, my heart melting a little, thinking of my two feminist warriors holding my child’s hands while they toddle around Helen’s dining table at next year’s Thanksgiving.
“And the house needs an attached garage so you won’t get caught in the Texas weather while unpacking groceries from your new minivan.”
I start, needing a moment to recognize he’s adding to my dream. “Perfect. I love it.” My hands clap together.
I barely notice his chest puffing out, our future taking on a life of its own in my mind’s eye. “I want a Labrador.”
He considers this. “Labradors are smart. We should probably get two.”
I drop my hands, which have been gesticulating wildly, to my waist, considering him and if he’s being serious or not.
But his expression remains level, so I change the image in my mind to two dogs. “Yeah, two dogs would be better.”
He smiles.
“And I’m going to be super extra about this mom thing.
” I get serious again, poking myself in the chest, nearly taking out a nipple.
“I’m going to join all the mom groups, facilitate multiple play dates, volunteer at all the schools, and be a contributing member of the PTA.
” I raise my hand to strike that last thought.
“No, fuck that. I’m going to run the goddamn PTA. ”
“You’ll be a phenomenal president.”
My chest feels fit to burst. “And every night we’re going to sit down and eat dinner as a family.”
His eyes get soft. “I like that idea.”
Carefully, I slide my hand over his hand on the sill, trying to calm down my excitement so I can choose my words wisely. “And you are going to do amazing things in space and be a father whose kids will not only love but be so freaking proud of.”
His lips press tight like he’s trying to hold back his emotions.
Pressing in closer, I touch my palm to his cheek, my fingertips grazing the hair curved around his ear. “And our kids will tell everyone how their dad’s an astronaut then make you call down from the space station so they can show you off to their friends.”
He clears his throat. “The friends we previously vetted to make sure they’re not assholes.”
I close my eyes, his words music to my ears. “Exactly.”
When I open them, we stare at each other, smiling, all the reasons why we love each other crystal clear in this moment.
But beneath the surface, not quite yet water under the bridge, are reasons for not letting him in.
At least not through the window. Not tonight.
As if reading my thoughts, Vance lets go of my hand. “You better get some rest, okay?” He sniffs. “I’ll see you at the doctor’s tomorrow.”
Though I know that’s the smart thing to do, I’m still reluctant for him to go.
“Maybe…” I bite my lip. “Maybe you should come in?”
I can see his internal debate, the desire to say yes, but, stronger than me, Vance shakes his head. “Thank you, but no.” He rises, kissing my cheek, lowering back to his perch when the ladder creaks. “Let me work on giving you and the baby everything first, okay?”
He’s off to a good start with that answer.
“Okay.”
He gives me one last eye-crinkling grin before dropping a foot one rung down on the ladder.
Reaching up to grab the window sash, I pause. Before Vance gets any lower, I lean out the window, angling my neck to kiss him. It’s quick. Just a peck that touches the upper right side of his mouth. More stubble than lip. But it does wonderful things to my hoo ha.
And my heart.