Chapter Three
Maeda
It was a hot day. Dolly was out in New Haven with her dad. The house felt quiet and still — the way it always did when she wasn’t home. I moved like a fog cloud. Tristan had picked up Dolly the night before, and it had been tense. Again.
I kissed her cheeks and told her to have fun and be good, which she always was. She was a good kid. I made sure she had her favorite stuffed animal, but once the car door closed, Tristan moved in on me.
“You should come home,” he said.
“This is my home now,” I reminded him.
“I miss you, I miss us. We are a family, we should be a family.”
I shook my head. “We’ve been over this a hundred times, Tristian. We were never good for each other.”
“That’s not entirely true.” He ran a hand up and down my arm, my entire body locked up in defense. “There were a few ways we were great together.”
I stepped back, “We spent years trying to make it work, and it wasn’t enough. Isn’t that what you said when you cheated on me with your coworker?”
Tristan ran a hand through his sandy waves. “She didn’t mean anything. It was just that we were so young when we had Dolly and got married, and I never had a chance to go out and have fun.”
I took a deep breath. “Tristan, I’m tired.”
“I miss you,” he tried to plead.
I shook my head. “We are not having this conversation again. I need to go inside and finish some work. I’ll see you Sunday night.
” I put my hand on Dolly’s window in the shape of “I love you” in American Sign Language — my thumb, pointer finger, and pinky out.
She reached out with the same gesture. My heart squeezed.
Tristan had walked around back into the driver’s seat.
“Alright, Dolly Girl! Time for our car concert!” Then, he started the playlist that we shared called “Cutest Co-Pilot,” and they started scream-singing her current favorite song, “The Summoning” by Sleep Token.
What a wild little five year old.
It was late afternoon on Saturday. The sun was shining. A neighbor’s cat was stretched out on my patio fence. My wind chimes were making a beautiful soft trickle of sound and the sun-catcher shaped like a spider cast rainbows all along the living room from the sunlight.
I had about an hour until community day at The Center, and I was mostly convinced I should go. Meaning: I couldn’t find a good reason not to go. What was the alternative? Sitting in silence or zoning out to some steaming service and a rerun of an old TV show?
No, I needed to go. I needed roots. Something to ground me here, something to make it easier to stay every time Tristan tried to pull me back into his world.
Because if I was being honest, staying with him would have been easier.
Bills would have been paid. Dolly would have had everything she wanted.
I wouldn’t have to work. For years, I had to rely on Tristan and his family.
Their money. Their generosity. But, it came with strings attached.
It loomed over me like a shoe waiting to drop.
Frequent little digs at me to remind me to be grateful that I didn’t need to make decisions.
Just smile, say thank you, and don’t have any personal drive or desires, or else, be deemed ungrateful.
I had become a wife in name only. He was sleeping around, while I was in a gilded cage. I’d forever be an accessory. We got married after a short fling that brought us Dolly. His family insisted, and it was easy to fall into the steps that I was told to take.
But, I was miserable. I felt trapped, and most importantly, I didn’t feel loved.
I felt like Tristan had love for me because I brought Dolly into the world.
And, Tristan was a good dad. He’s just a terrible partner.
What we had was a bit of lust that turned into a mutual responsibility.
Was it so wrong to want to be independent?
I shook my head and started to get ready. I wanted freedom, and now, I had it. I shouldn’t waste it.
I put on a brown maxi skirt that was comfortable and cute, paired it with a cool grey tank top and a thin emerald green cardigan.
I slipped on some dark brown sandals. I thought about how the brown reminded me of roots and a trunk of a tree, the green cardigan my branches and leaves reaching out, the stone-colored tank top a gentle layer of armor to keep my heart safe.
It felt strange to leave the house without Dolly’s hand in mine, without snacks for her.
Just myself, phone, wallet, keys, lip balm, and my emotional support water bottle.
I tossed all of these into a canvas tote bag I had painted with mine and Dolly’s hand prints.
The walk across town was pleasant, but my anxiety was slowly climbing as I walked around the town square toward the Center, where music was blaring outside.
People were hanging out there, standing in clumps.
Some with dogs wearing rainbow bandannas, some folks in drag. I took a deep, grounding breath.
Before I could finish the exhale, I heard my name hollered through the party.
“Maeda!” It was Danielle, Tilly, and Gene. Danielle and Tilly’s nephew, Ben, was playing with a Tech Deck.
They engulfed me in a group hug, and I felt more at ease, anchored.
A Ford Ranger rolled up and parked in front of the Center’s open doors.
“Yes! The food is here!” Ben announced.
“Go see if you can help,” Tilly said to him. Ben pocketed his Tech Deck and ran over to the truck as the driver slid out of the cab and shut the door. When she came around where I could see her, my heart leapt out of my chest and into my throat.
There was no way…
“Wow, Nikki,” Ben said, “You look ready to feed an army.”
“Feeding the community, this is the gay agenda,” she replied. There was no mistaking her.
Nikki. Fucking. Thomas.
I turned away before she saw me, placed my water bottle on the small table, and checked the non-existent notification on my phone.
I kept my hair down like a curtain to hide my face.
I felt like the Wizard of Oz — pay no attention to the woman behind the hair.
Every cell in my body was alert of Nikki as she moved from her truck into the Center.
I couldn’t tell if I was breathing normally.
When Nikki reappeared for a second trip to unload the truck, I ducked inside straight to the bathroom.
I saw the large stock pots that had been set near the serving kitchen and barreled past it.
I got in the bathroom and once I was securely in a stall, I hung my head in my hands.
How did I not think about her showing up? I hadn’t seen her in six years. It was a whole lifetime ago.
The door opened. Danielle’s voice called out. “Maeda, are you okay? We saw you bolt in here.”
“Do you need a TUMs?” Tilly’s voice followed. Great.
I cleared my throat, “No, thanks. I’m okay… I just… need a minute.”
“Baby, you sound panicked,” Danielle said.
“Do you need a Xanax?” Tilly chimed in again. “I have a weed pen, if you need a hit.”
I choked out a laugh.
“You can talk to us, Maeda. We are a safe space.”
My eyes trained on the small white and blue tiles that made up the bathroom floor. The blue round tiles made little floral designs. I took another deep breath. “I just… I saw someone I didn’t expect to.”
“Oh?” Danielle said. I could tell from the inflection in her tone that her eyebrows were raised, and she was giving Tilly a look. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just… it’s fine. I’m just shaken a little. She probably wouldn’t even care that I’m here.”
“She who?” Tilly said.
I felt like we were all holding our breath. I opened my stall door. Tilly had a hand propped up against the bathroom stall. Danielle had one hand holding the other with her thumbs to her lips, waiting.
“Nikki Thomas,” I whispered, her name heavy in my mouth. Guilt and embarrassment warmed my cheeks.
“Did something happen between you guys?” Danielle asked.
I shook my head, my blush deepening.
“Oh my god, you have a crush on her,” Tilly said. She smiled wide. “Girl, we can make this happen.”
“No!” I blurt out. “No, it’s not like that.”
Tilly and Danielle shared a look. Both of them smiling.
I went over to the sink and splashed some water on my face.
“I don’t want anything from her. I’m just trying to get settled and a stable situation for Dolly, you guys know that.
” They nod, both of them remembering my concerns I’ve shared in group before.
“Being a single mom is hard, but I’m not about to risk Dolly’s stability by dating anyone. ”
Especially not Nikki. Not after what I did.
The door opened and, of course, Nikki walked in. She had a black tank top tucked into some cargo pants with a silver chain hanging from her waist. She had more tattoos, and I wanted to take them in but I refused to let myself look at her.
“Hey, Thomas,” Tilly said.
“Hi, Tilly. Hey, Danielle,” Nikki said. Her voice… like a gentle crunch of boots on gravel. The hair on my arms stood on end. We made eye contact in the mirror. Her eyes widened as they recognized me. I saw her scan my features, and I saw the exact moment her defenses locked in and locked me out.
“Maeda,” she sighed, “it’s been a while.”
“Well, I should go check on Ben,” Danielle said.
“Right behind you,” Tilly said with a shit-eating grin.