4. Different Than I Remember
Different Than I Remember
ELLIE
Cleaning up Henry took a full wipe-down, then a hose-down, and finally a soapy bubble bath where I leaned over the tub attacking him with the rubber ducky to his loud giggles.
I was the picture of calm as I toweled off my now squeaky-clean baby, checking the time to see I needed to leave to get Tommy in about twenty minutes.
I practiced deep breathing as I got Henry dressed in a onesie, not bothering to put him back in clothes since it would be bedtime so soon after getting back home and making dinner.
There were little baseballs all over the soft flannel, and I held him against me for a moment, inhaling his soft, sweet, baby scent.
Then I dropped to the ground with Henry in my lap, and burst into tears.
I didn’t usually let myself do this. A pity-party never changed anything.
Also, I liked my life. Things were fine.
I was fine. I had two children who were the center of my world.
A roof over my head. Steady work. Sure, things weren’t always easy.
Okay, they were rarely easy. They were fine though.
But seeing Sam had thrown me completely off-kilter. The facts I’d held as truth about our situation were starting to get mixed-up, like someone was rattling the scaffolding holding something vital up inside of me.
But I couldn’t wallow. After ugly-crying for a good minute, I saw Henry had shifted from amusement at my tears, to bafflement, to concern. Before he had the chance to dissolve into his own tears, I took a breath, smothered him with kisses, and got back on my feet again.
Henry was my do-over baby. When I first found out I was pregnant again, I’d freaked out.
I’d called the clinic and even booked a time to take care of it quickly and quietly.
But the night before the appointment, I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Tommy having a little sibling.
What if that was what could save him? We were in hell back then, Tommy on a road to nothing good.
I knew I could do it better this time. I was older, wiser, less destitute.
And I was right. Henry was the one thing that lit Tommy up.
I was figuring it out, exhaustion and stress be damned. I was fucking winning.
I kissed Henry on his chubby cheek, inhaling his sweet baby scent. Sam showing up was just one more wrench in the machinery. But I was a pro at those, wasn’t I?
Outside fifteen minutes later, Henry on my hip and my face freshly washed so you’d never know I was falling apart only a moment ago, I headed over to Conrad and Archie’s place.
Conrad was Winona’s brother-in-law and also good friends with Kit—they’d gone to college together years ago.
He was a single dad, a very nice guy despite his sometimes guarded exterior, and had saved my butt more than once since I’d moved in three months ago, just like he had today.
Archie answered the door. “Hey, Ellie!”
Henry yelled “Ahhee!” which was the sound he seemed to use for all big boys. It either meant Tommy, who he got even more excited around, or Archie. Or it was just a sound.
Archie held his arms up to take Henry. They were buddies. Archie had just turned thirteen, but hadn’t yet hit that too-cool phase Tommy had around then. I prayed Arch could hold onto his childhood as long as possible. He was such a sweet kid.
I handed Henry over. “I have to pick up Tommy in a sec, so we can’t stay. But your dad left this note about my stuff?”
“Hey Ellie,” Conrad said, coming around the corner with a dishrag over his shoulder.
Conrad was a good-looking guy—tall, broad in the shoulders, thick auburn hair.
He also bore an uncanny resemblance to my older brother, Anthony, save the hair.
This was underscored by the fact that Anthony and Conrad both played college ball and shared that distinctive baseball-player stride.
But Anthony had peaked in college. Conrad had moved on and had a full life beyond his small moment of fame. Also, Conrad wasn’t an asshole.
Archie dropped onto the floor of the hallway with Henry, where he proceeded to play peekaboo with him. Both boys laughed with such glee I had to smile, even though I was deeply embarrassed by having to be there.
I held up the note Con had left on my door.
“Right.” He reached around the corner and grabbed a stuffed paper bag.
“I’m so sorry you had to clean that up.” I took the bag, which held the contents of my purse I’d been too furious to even notice I’d left strewn all over my stoop earlier.
“It wasn’t me,” he said. “Sam took care of it.”
My stomach twisted. “Really?”
Conrad nodded. “I just gave him the bag to hold it all in. Your wallet’s on top.”
I grimaced. “I’m an idiot. Sorry.”
“Not an idiot. You looked upset. So did he.”
Not used to not holding Henry, I twisted my hands in front of me.
For a moment, I got a glimpse of Sam, in that hotel room the morning after, with daylight streaming in through the parted curtains.
He’d been smiling in his sleep. It made me smile.
I’d reached out to brush a strand of his dark waves from his temple, which had woken him up.
Then he’d given me a grin so wide my stomach had swooped.
I forcibly wiped the image from my mind, choosing to remember instead the way I refreshed my inbox a thousand times after sending him that second message.
It was right after the series of flirtatious emails where we promised to keep in touch and look each other up if we were ever on our respective sides of the country.
Then the email I’d sent that said We need to talk with no reply.
Then the next: Sam, I’m pregnant.
And the crickets after that.
I didn’t need his help, but I’d needed him to know. Him ghosting me made me feel exactly like I had all those years ago with Tommy’s dad, only so much worse, because I should have known better.
I registered that Conrad had mentioned Sam by name just now. “I guess he introduced himself to you?” I asked. I wondered how much Sam had shared.
A beat passed, then Conrad said, “I actually know him.”
My stomach lurched. “Really?” I asked casually. “How?”
“He was leading the orientation meeting I went to for the SAR team when Arch and I first moved here.”
Conrad volunteered for Quince Valley’s Search and Rescue committee, which helped hikers and other people stranded in the miles of forest surrounding our town and its lush river valley. I guess Sam had too.
“He left in the middle of it though,” Con said. “Said he had to leave town unexpectedly. Which was weird because he was really into it.” His brow furrowed. “He looks different than I remember.”
My stomach knotted so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
Conrad and Archie had moved here just after Sam and I were at that conference together.
If Sam was acting, he deserved an Oscar for the way he reacted to seeing us.
I was still more than a little upset about the situation.
I still felt like a piece of me had been carved out at being ignored.
But I had to acknowledge that it was likely true that Sam hadn’t gotten my messages.
That for whatever reason, he’d left Quince Valley and hadn’t seen the emails or known about the calls.
So where was he? And what happened to him? Something clearly had.
I pressed my thumb hard into the back of my hand, massaging a sore spot.
My hands were always sore from splicing and pulling wire, and while it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was years ago when I first started, I hadn’t found a good massage therapist in town to help yet.
Or a therapist-therapist. I hadn’t had time.
“You okay?” Conrad asked.
For the time being, I had to press Sam from my mind. Yes, it was a shock he was here, but I still had my life to live. I looked down at Henry, on top of the world now that he was all cleaned up. He held his little hands up to me.
“Yeah. Fine. Thanks for your help,” I said, genuinely grateful for the kindness of my neighbors.
Conrad was giving me a big brother frown, but said, “Anytime.”
It wasn’t until I finished buckling Henry in his car seat a few minutes later that I opened the paper bag.
I peered inside, looking for his favorite teething toy I kept in my purse.
But there, on top of the pile, I pulled out something familiar.
My business card. Only it wasn’t my current card.
It was the one from my business back in California, which I’d shut down when I moved out here.
I had another flash, this time of Sam, getting dressed in my room.
He’d come back after getting us breakfast at the buffet downstairs.
We’d skipped the extra sessions that day.
Instead, we’d laid around naked, watching movies, and having bubble baths together, which of course ended up with more fooling around.
We’d been snowed in, which made us feel like we were in our own special bubble.
Even now, heat flared at the memory.
I remember watching him getting dressed once the roads had cleared, making a big show of stopping between each piece of clothing to come back to me and ravage me for a moment before I laughingly pushed him off again.
He needed to catch his ride back to Quince Valley with Sarah and Jamie.
When he was finally fully clothed, his parka over his arm, he’d spotted the pile of business cards I’d dropped on the desk.
He picked one up, smiling as he looked it over. “Ellie James, Master Electrician,” he read. “God, you’re hot.”
I’d sprung for the cards with my picture on them—important I found in my line of work. I flushed, embarrassed. “Oh my God, please don’t look at that.”
“Why not? This is competence porn. Can I keep one?”
I laughed. “Sure. You can give one to anyone needing electrical work in California.”
“No way. I’m keeping this for myself. Actually, I’m going to take a few. One for each pocket.”
Sam stuffed a handful of them into his various pockets, making me laugh more. Then he walked over to me and knelt beside the bed so he was eye level with me from where I’d been watching him, cheek propped on a pillow.
“This isn’t the last time we’re going to see each other, you know,” he said.
I smiled, like he’d made me do all night and all day. I floated on a cloud of laughter with Sam that weekend. “Is that right?”
“Nope. Mark my words. Even if it’s years from now and you’re married and living in some cute little house with a white picket fence, I’m going to show up for you.”
“What, to be a home wrecker?”
He brushed my hair back behind my ear. “No. I’m just going to make sure you’re okay. We don’t even have to talk. Maybe you won’t even know I’m there. But just know you have to live your best life, Ellie, and I’ll be there to make sure you’re doing it. Even if you never know it.”
Back then, it was a promise, built on the things I’d told him in the dark, the surprising confessions to a stranger I knew I’d never see again.
Now, it felt like a dull ache; an old bruise I thought was healed.
The card in my hand was worn, the corners softened.
It was a little curved, too, like it spent time tucked away somewhere snug.
I flipped it around, intending to toss it.
But there, on the back, was something scrawled in pen.
It was his name, Sam Caplin, along with a local phone number, and a different email than the one we’d spoken on under that.
The words I can explain were written underneath.