10. What do you Want?
What do you Want?
ELLIE
Sam stood in the doorway holding Henry, who was kicking his legs, reaching for Tommy. “Ba!”
Tommy stood up straight, a pepperoni snack in one hand and a stack of instant cheese slices in the other. He was going to spoil his dinner.
Pick your battles.
“He went a little nuts when he saw you,” Sam said to Tommy as Henry squawked. “Can he say Hi?”
Tommy made an exaggerated sound of frustration, but threw the food on the counter and took Henry, going visibly softer as he carried his brother out of the kitchen. Tommy said something I didn’t catch, then his footsteps going down the stairs. He was probably taking his brother to the backyard.
I let out a breath.
Sam stuck his hands in his pockets. “Sorry I can’t stay. I’ve got something on tonight.”
Like what, a date? My stomach pinged once again, and once again I wasn’t sure why. Was I jealous? Disappointed? Whatever it was, it was stupid. Sam was allowed to have his own life. Obviously.
“It’s fine.” I set the peeled potato down on the cutting board and picked up my chef’s knife. I chopped hard, one of the slices narrowly missing my thumb. I was going too fast.
Sam looked concerned. “Or… I could cancel my plans?”
I laughed a little maniacally. “It’s not that,” I said. “It’s totally fine. I didn’t even consider you staying for dinner.”
Sam pressed his lips together. “Totally. Of course not.”
Shit. I wasn’t doing very well here. I set the knife down. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m—there’s a lot going on.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Sam said. “You do have so much going on.”
He sounded so genuine, I shook my head, dropping my hands. “It’s good you’re here. It’s helpful. I just…” I swallowed. I looked over his shoulder, even though I was sure my kids weren’t in earshot. Still, I lowered my voice. “I’m sorry for Tommy.”
Sam lifted his arm up, scratching behind his head. “Is it a problem that I’m here?”
“No.” My voice was vehement. I think maybe it was, but it didn’t matter. Tommy was pissed all the time. And he’d just have to get used to Sam being around, since I wasn’t going to keep him from his son, as uncomfortable as it made either of us.
“He’s like this with everyone. I’m working on it, but I’m just going to have to apologize in advance if he says anything awful to you. I’ll call him on it but it doesn’t seem to do much.”
“It seems like he’s hardest on you.”
The validation of Sam noticing that made a knot grow in my throat. “It’s fine,” I said. “That’s what moms are there for. I’m fine.” Everything’s fine.
“It’s okay if it’s not fine.”
Shit, now I really was going to cry. I half felt like I wanted to. Like, wouldn’t it be nice to not have to hold it all in? Sam would probably run screaming.
Would he?
“You sound like my therapist,” I managed.
Sam gave a shrug of a smile. “And mine.”
He was in therapy?
“You amaze me, Ellie,” Sam said.
I huffed out a laugh. “Why, because I’m barely holding it together?”
“No. I mean yes, but it doesn’t look like barely. You’re making home cooked food. You’re a working mom. You’re on your own. You’ve got your shit together more than me, and I’m only responsible for one person.” A beat passed. “Maybe two, now.”
I shook my head. “I told you, Sam, you don’t need to worry about Henry. I’ve got it.”
Sam seemed to bristle. “What if I want to worry about him?”
My stomach plunged. I really didn’t mean to have this conversation now, standing in my kitchen on the edge of falling apart. But the boys appeared to be occupied, and we needed to have it at some point. I just didn’t know where to start.
I flicked on the stove, glugging some oil into a pan. Too much. Shit. I pressed my hands on the edge of the stove, then turned to face him.
I folded my arms in front of me. “What do you want, Sam?”
Sam stiffened. “What do you mean?”
I’d sounded bitter. Like I was being cruel. But I was exhausted. More than that, I was scared.
But I had to know. So I kept going, pushing at the worst part of the wound.
“Are you looking to split custody of Henry, Sam? Or an arrangement where you take Henry on the weekends or something?”
I’d tried to sound casual, like that would be fine. Maybe a little hard, like I’d challenge him on it. But my voice had cracked on the word take. I put a hand to my lips, closing my eyes briefly.
When I opened them, Sam had taken a step toward me, though he still held back. His expression was almost pained; his eyes intense.
“Ellie, I don’t want to take Henry away from you. I promise. I could never. I just want to get to know him. With you.”
Relief crashed over me like a river, choking me. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until he said it.
I breathed, and nodded. “Okay. That’s good. Because he and Tommy… they’re my whole world.”
Sam swallowed. “I can see that.”
It was only when my breathing finally calmed that I realized what he’d said. With you. Did that mean anything? Or did he just mean he didn’t want to take Henry on his own?
Sam looked down, shoving his hands into his pockets again. One of them moved in there, like he was gathering change, working it around in his fist. There was something there. Something he was holding onto.
He was so tense.
“To answer your question, I don’t know what I want, Ellie. Before I ran into you the other day, I was pretty sure I was going to move to Singapore.”
“Singapore?” I couldn’t help gawking. What was with this guy? Why couldn’t he say still?
“That’s where Cora lives. Her husband Tristan had offered to—” He scrubbed a face over his hand. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going now.”
But he’d wanted to.
“You don’t need to rearrange your life around for us, Sam.”
Sam looked affronted. “Yes, I do. I want to be a part of Henry’s life. And yours.”
My stomach flopped. There it was again.
Sam clamped his mouth shut, like he hadn’t meant to say that. “I just mean… I want to make your life easier. I want to help. But if me being here makes it harder…” He trailed off. But he looked almost distraught.
I considered, for a moment, that maybe running into each other wasn’t a threat to the fragile hold I had on this life, but something that might just help prop us up.
Yes Sam had made a career out of not staying in one place or choosing a path.
I got the sense, when we met, that he was trying to outrun something.
Would having a baby change that? Or just be one more problem to avoid?
It didn’t matter, not really. Even if Sam didn’t stick around, he was here now. He cared enough to want to get to know Henry, at least a little. Henry wouldn’t remember him if he left, and so long as I didn’t get invested, we’d be fine.
Finally, my shoulders dropped. “No, it’s not harder having you here,” I said, meaning it. It was the truth, despite my mixed-up feelings. “Even just this past hour has been really helpful.”
At his visible relief, I felt the tension between us break, like I’d severed a dangerous live wire. There might be more hurdles ahead, but we’d crossed this major one at least. And it felt so much better on this side.
I met Sam’s eyes. “You could have been a lot of things, Sam but this is… Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Ellie. I’m kind of responsible for him being here.”
But I couldn’t let him take all the blame for what had happened. “We’re both responsible for making it happen. To be fair.”
“Yeah, but, arguably it was when I—” He cut himself off.
A sharp bolt of something hot ran through me. His voice echoed in my ears.
Fuck, Ellie. So fucking good.
I swallowed. Back away. I needed to back away. But I couldn’t unlock my gaze from his. It was like we were on the same circuit, possibly picturing that exact moment. Something about him likely thinking about the exact same deeply sexual moment as I was turned that heat dark and heavy.
But it got much, much worse.
Because Sam’s gaze dipped to my lips, and when it did, his pupils flared.
I held my breath as his eyes dragged down lower. Across my throat; my collarbone. I don’t think he realized what he was doing. I knew he didn’t when his eyes dropped to my breasts, lingering long enough I felt my nipples start to harden.
He’d loved it when he was on his back and I leaned over him so he could take them in his mouth in turns.
These perfect fucking tits. That’s what he said about them. More than once.
Heat zinged between my legs.
I’d seen this man come. Several times. I knew precisely how his face looked when he did: the way his eyes liked to meet mine as the pressure built; how his jaw clenched. How he’d grasp my chin to make sure I didn’t demure; his thumb brushing my lower lip.
He’d used that same thumb to make me scream his name. To press the hollow of my cheek as he plunged himself into my mouth, growling you’re so fucking beautiful, Ellie.
The words seemed to echo in the space between us.
Sam’s eyes had gone dark.
A thought skated past my eyes then, searing me with its intensity: We’re not finished.
“Ellie—.” Sam began. His voice was thick with gravel.
But thudding sounded on the stairs and I sucked in a breath, taking a step backward, my hand reaching for my opposite shoulder. My heart pounded, thundering in my ear and against my forearm.
What the hell just happened?
Tommy appeared in the doorway, looking between the two of us. A line formed between his eyes.
Mortified, I glanced over at Sam, like I needed help. But he’d turned and was reaching for Henry. “Thanks,” he said to Tommy.
My oldest stared at me a moment, his expression unreadable. Then he turned on his heel, thudding down the hallway and then the stairs.
We weren’t doing anything wrong. We weren’t doing anything at all.
But Tommy was the reason I didn’t get involved with men. Any man at all. I’d promised him. And I didn’t intend to break that promise.
Henry whimpered, reaching for me.
“Should we try the blocks again?” Sam asked him.
But Henry was getting cranky. He tried to lean out of Sam’s arms, making him have to catch his son with a hand under his belly.
“You can’t levitate yet, son.” Sam’s voice was calm and steady. He was cracking jokes.
Suddenly, I had the horrifying thought that Sam had been staring at me like I’d lost my mind just now. That it was only me who felt the past as if it were playing out before us.
It was, of course. He had a fucking date to get to.
“No,” I said, maybe a little too sharply. I smiled to soften it, hoping it worked. “You’ve got plans. You need to go.”
I needed to scrub my brain.
I needed him to leave.
I reached for Henry, deeply aware of the heat that rocketed through me as I brushed Sam’s chest with the back of my hand. Furious with myself for feeling it.
“You were a huge help today, Sam.” My voice was wooden. Distant. “Thank you. I’ll walk you out.”
“It’s okay—”
But I was already walking past him, holding my breath so I wouldn’t catch his scent. I didn’t trust myself to breathe the same air as him right now, frankly. I was possessed by some humiliating, horny entity.
I headed down the hallway with Henry, nuzzling his cheek like a comfort object.
Downstairs, I opened the front door, leaning against it on the stoop as Sam slipped his shoes back on and came outside. It was a warm night, though there was a cool breeze coming off the river.
Sam came out and stood there for a moment, his eyes on Henry.
I tried not to look. Really I did. But Sam was so close I could see the pulse in his throat. The dark fan of his lashes as he blinked. And when I met his eyes, they were already on mine.
No. Please no. I need you far away. I was suddenly grateful for his wanderlust. But how far would be far enough? Greenville? Singapore? Mars?
An older couple passing on the river walkway smiled at us with a softness I could see from here. It pulled my eyes from Sam, and for that I was grateful.
I smiled politely at them. Said hello.
“Beautiful night,” they said.
Sam and I agreed.
They thought we were a family. If only they knew.
I needed to go back inside. But what do we do here, shake hands? Wave?
Just as I was going to speak, Henry babbled. “Baba!”
Sam’s eyes lit up. “I think he’s getting used to me.”
Something inside of me felt dangerously close to cracking.
Sam was falling for his son already, I could see it.
It was wonderful, and it was painful, and I wanted to put a door between us so I could think straight.
Because something almost toxic in its intensity flowed through me when I was close to this man.
It made my insides feel like they’d melted. It was bad, and it needed to end.
Henry reached out and grasped Sam’s nose, giggling as Sam said “Ouch!” through a laugh.
I wanted to tell him Henry was good with everyone. To say It’s not like he knows you’re his dad. I wanted to say something cruel.
But then, Henry giggled, and Sam laughed again and instead a brick tumbled from the top of the wall I’d built inside of me.
“Yes,” I said, unable to lie. “I think he likes you.”
Sam’s eyes met mine. Those beautiful blue eyes.
“Goodnight, Sam,” I said.
Sam lifted his arms.
My stomach plunged. He wasn’t going in for a hug, was he? We were not going to do that. I couldn’t.
But then he dropped them, instead raising up only his right one, palm up.
He wanted a high five.
Seeing my expression, Sam shot his arm back down. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I, uh—”
“Bye,” I said. Then I went inside before this could get any worse.