16. Baby Lessons #2
I took a swig of the bubbly water. “I guess the truth is I don’t know what I want.
With anything. I don’t think I’ve ever really known for sure.
I want a good life. I want to spend time with Henry.
I want to volunteer with SAR in some way.
I want—” I glanced over at Ellie’s place again, my chest aching like something had fallen out of there.
“I want Ellie to be happy. But besides that, I don’t know.
It’s why I’ve travelled what feels like the whole world, like the answer is hiding somewhere not here.
But it doesn’t matter where I go. I just feel unmoored. Like nothing ever feels right.”
Except… being with Henry felt right. Being with Ellie felt right, too.
I thought for a moment how I swore, despite what we’d landed on, that I’d seen her looking at me in a certain way.
Maybe that was just me being hopeful. Also, looking didn’t mean she wanted anything more.
And I would never ever put any kind of pressure on her to change her mind.
Even thinking about it made me feel gross.
But what if she changed her mind?
Conrad was still looking over at me. “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.”
I ran a hand over the back of my neck. “I kind of do. Not quite yet, but at some point, we have to decide how we want to handle being parents together. Over the long term.”
For a moment, we sat in silence, my guts roiling.
Then Conrad rubbed his forehead. “You know, Archie’s mom sees him only once a year.”
I was shocked by that. “What?”
“Yeah. For the month of August. She lives in Cape Town. Can you believe that? A fucking whole other continent. Couldn’t be farther away.”
“What does she do there?”
Conrad shrugged. “Fucks her rich husband, I guess.” His bitterness burned through the air like something acidic. His eyes darted to the house, like he was worried his son would overhear, but the windows and doors were closed.
“So you’re on good terms then?” I joked.
Conrad managed to laugh. “Yeah.” He took a sip of water.
“You know, it’s actually fine. I’d hate to have to share Archie on the regular.
That month he’s away is hard as hell, but it’s gotten easier the older he gets.
Gives me a little time off too. But I don’t recommend it. Hell, I don’t recommend divorce.”
“I don’t recommend whatever I did,” I said.
We both laughed.
“Did get a cute kid out of it,” Conrad said.
“I did that,” I agreed, downing my drink.
When I set the empty can down, I looked at Ellie’s house again.
“At least I know I won’t be moving to South Africa.
” Actually, I knew right then, I realized, that I was done skipping town.
I didn’t want to escape. I wanted to stay right here.
No matter what shit life dealt me. I wanted to stay here, to be there for the people in that house over the fence. In whatever way they needed.
The thought was surprisingly calming. I don’t think I’d ever felt so certain about anything.
Conrad and I chatted a bit more about less consequential things, then finally I clapped my hands around the arms of the chair. “Okay man,” I said, growing serious. “I’m ready.”
“Ready?”
“It’s diaper time.”
“Fucking right.” Conrad got up and grabbed the pack of diapers I’d brought from the table. I grabbed Archie’s stuffed bear, Honeybuckets, which he’d generously loaned us for the demo. Then I jumped up and blew out air like I was about to get into a boxing ring.
We did diapers—which I aced, by the fucking way, and moved on to burping, which Conrad said I should still learn even though he thought Henry might be a bit old for it.
“So,” Conrad explained, “the trick is hitting their back in just the right spot.”
“Where exactly?”
Conrad rubbed his chin again. “I’m trying to remember. It’s been a while.” He picked Honeybuckets, flipping him around. “There, I think?” He pointed to a spot on the bear’s back.
Honeybuckets barely had a back to speak of.
“I don’t know where that is on a human,” I said.
“Ugh. Okay here, turn around.”
Conrad poked me in the mid-back. “There. I think. So get him on your front and whack him right there.”
“Whack him?”
“Like a firm pat.”
I picked up the teddy bear and gave it a try, but the thing just squished against me. “I need a real back,” I said.
“Okay, here.” Conrad flopped his arms down. “Da-da!” he said.
We both cracked up.
“Come on,” I said. “One time.”
“Right.”
Conrad bent forward toward me. I reached around him like I was going in for a hug. Then I hit him on the back, hard enough he coughed.
“Okay, bruiser. A little lighter.”
I adjusted my whack a few times, until finally Conrad said, “Oh yeah. Right there.”
I did it again.
Conrad groaned. “That actually feels pretty good. I—Oh, hey Ellie.”
I whipped around.
Ellie stood on her back deck looking extremely confused. She held Henry on her hip, who stared at us with his fist in his mouth.
“Uh, hi,” I said, like an idiot.
“Heyyy?” she said tentatively.
“Baby lessons,” I said.
“I was the baby,” Conrad clarified.
“The fuck does it matter?” I whispered.
“I don’t know!” he whispered back.
Ellie still looked slightly concerned, though I think her lips might have twitched like she wanted to laugh.
Thank God Tommy chose that moment to come out onto the back deck. He spared us a brief glance, ignored my wave, and said something to his mom.
She sighed, then said something back. He grew tense, then took Henry from her, spun on his heel and stormed off.
Concern rippled over me, replacing my embarrassment. It was then I noticed how exhausted Ellie looked. She was in what I assumed were her work clothes—khaki pants, a button-down shirt, work boots. She looked a little sweaty, and there was dirt smudged on her shirt and cheek.
“Ellie?” I called. “You okay?”
She was still standing there, looking a little lost. Looking like she needed some help.
“Yeah,” she said.
Then her eyes rolled upward, and she collapsed onto the deck.