24. Maybe I Could Have Fun
Maybe I Could Have Fun
ELLIE
“Any further business?” Winona asked.
None of us raised our hands. Cher was actively drumming her fingers on the tabletop.
Then Sarah stuck her hand up. “I’m so sorry. I just want to make sure I’m clear on the scope of work for the third floor before we adjourn.”
We all groaned. While we loved Heartbreaker, and Sarah, we all had other places to be on a Friday afternoon.
Winona had called this emergency meeting in the offices of Heartbreaker Trades College, because there had been a hiccup in our permits.
This building wasn’t new, but it had needed some upgrades to come up to code.
The upgrades fell under all our areas of expertise, and we all happened to be in town, so here we were.
But today, Heartbreaker wasn’t at the top of my priority list. Tommy had presented a big project at school today, one Sam had helped him on.
He’d called it “River Ecosystems on a Cellular Level” and had worked harder on it than anything I’d ever seen.
Sam had even taken him down to the shore to collect samples and specimens for the presentation.
I’d planned on celebrating with Tommy after school, since completing something so involved was a huge milestone for him. I’d considered inviting Sam, but I also wanted to check in with Tommy about how he was feeling with Sam being around so much for Henry. Plus, if Sam came…
I swallowed.
If I didn’t leave soon, though, all of this would be moot.
“Sorry!” Sarah said. “But if I don’t get this sorted now, I’ll need to call another meeting next week.”
I knew Sarah was right. And Winona said as much. The floor opened back up to discussion.
My phone buzzed before I could come up with a plan B.
Sam’s name on my screen made my stomach flip.
SAM: Mrs. Oxford said she wasn’t feeling well. Want me to grab Tommy?
Sam and I had barely spoken since dinner at his parents’ place.
The ride home after what we’d done had been tense, with neither of us speaking.
He’d helped me get the diaper bag to the front door when he dropped us off, then lifted his hand up like he was going to high five me, like in the beginning.
“Just kidding,” he’d said.
I’d had to slam the door in his face so I wouldn’t laugh, or cry, or throw myself in his arms. I’d worn out the battery on my vibrator that night. And the one after. For the first time in a long, long time, I’d let myself picture Sam as I used it. I’d come so hard I scared myself.
Sam had started coming by twice a week to relieve Mrs. Oxford.
But I’d arranged it so there was nearly no contact with me.
He picked Henry up from Mrs. Oxford, and I got Tommy to answer the door at drop-off.
I was being a chicken, I knew. And yesterday Mrs. Oxford had told me she was officially moving to Florida as soon as she sold her townhouse.
So I’d have to deal with that very soon.
But I couldn’t even think about having to interact with Sam right now. I didn’t trust myself.
I didn’t realize until I’d closed that door two weeks ago that in the basement with Sam, I hadn’t once thought about my promise to Tommy.
I was failing hard on all fronts.
My thumbs hovered over the screen, guilt pulling at me from each side.
It wasn’t Sam’s normal day to take over for Mrs. Oxford.
And I desperately wanted to be there for Tommy.
But I’d been back-tabling Heartbreaker Trades, and it was the whole reason I’d come to Quince Valley.
Plus, everyone around the table had places to be: Cher’s daughter had a performance tonight; Kit and Chip were going away for the weekend; and Sarah had a plane to catch, though I guess she had a few minutes to bring up one more thing.
I typed out a reply.
ELLIE: That would be great if you could get Tommy, actually. Thank you. Please tell him I really wanted to be there. Tell him I’ll take him out for ice cream later. And you’re okay with bringing Henry too?
I knew he would be.
SAM: Of course. I can also do the ice cream if you want?
I wished I could say yes. Because I wished, right in that moment, that Sam was Tommy’s dad, too, and that it would be just as special for Tommy to have Sam take him as me.
But he wasn’t Tommy’s dad. I’d actually been given a harsh reminder of that last night when I’d accidentally seen a photo of Tommy’s dad on socials.
He was on a yacht with his grown kids and a wife I was pretty sure was number four.
As I slammed the laptop shut, I’d had the strangest thought: that Tommy’s father was a poison, and Sam was the antidote, hand-crafted for me.
ELLIE: That’s okay. I’ll take Tommy out later. Make it really special.
Three dots appeared.
“Ellie?” Winona said. “What do you think?”
“I’m sorry.” I shoved the phone back in my pocket before I could read it. I ignored the next buzz. I remained present with the members of the board, because they were real and right before me. They weren’t some fantasy that had every likelihood of blowing up in my face.
Outside, after getting a squeeze from Sarah before she peeled away in her car, I strode down the street with Kit, who’d parked at Conrad’s place and walked with me.
The moment we were alone, Kit turned to me, her expression serious. “Ellie, are you doing okay?”
“Of course.”
“You seemed completely distracted at the meeting. Normally you’re the one making half the motions.”
“I’m just busy.” That wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the main thing occupying my brain and like a bloodhound, Kit had sniffed it out.
“That’s all?”
“There’s a lot going on,” I said, sidestepping. “I’m just so ready for the school and daycare to open. Won’t it be amazing being able to work so close to home, in a cushy classroom instead of on a work site?”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to be leaving my business when I teach. I think I’d die if I didn’t get to work outside with my hands in the dirt.”
My stomach pinched. I was only thinking about myself. “Sorry. Stuck in my own head again.”
“It’s fine, Ellie.”
But Kit had landed on another thing I was struggling with. My eagerness to no longer be practicing my trade. At least not full-time the way I was now. I felt like a fraud. I’d still get to talk about electrical and do demos in the classroom. I was just ready for life to be a little easier.
Kit let a beat pass, then said, “I saw Sam with your kids the other day.”
My stomach jolted at his name. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. On the river walkway. They looked so cute together.”
That was on Monday. Sam had offered to pick up Tommy that day too. Then he surprised me by getting us dinner. He’d somehow persuaded Tommy to go with them.
“He’s really gotten good with Henry,” I said.
“Good? They looked like best friends, Ellie. If you can be best friends with a baby. Also, Tommy was smiling.”
I stopped walking. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. He has a sweet smile. I would have said Hi to them, just to get in on what they were laughing about, but I was driving by in my truck.”
That was the only day I’d actually laid eyes on Sam in the two weeks since his parents’ place. They’d come home while I was in the shower, and when I’d come out toweling my hair, he looked at me only briefly before heading out.
“Okay Ellie. Seriously. What is happening? You look like you’re going to cry.”
I stopped on the sidewalk, mad I was so obvious. I pressed my thumb into my palm, the pain feeling like a punishment I needed. Then I dropped my hands to my sides, giving up fighting it.
“If you must know,” I said, “I…we… Sam and I kind of made out.”
Kit screamed. Then she grabbed me by the arm and pulled me over to an alcove next to an empty shop, out of the way of ogling pedestrians. “I knew it. I fucking knew it. Tell me everything.”
“What do you mean, you knew it?”
“Ellie. That man is in. He’s parenting both your boys. He looked happy as a pig in shit to be doing it, too.”
He’s parenting both your boys. He was, wasn’t he? He didn’t have to. Only Henry was his son. But I could no longer ignore how good he’d gotten with Tommy. Or how much Tommy had opened up since Sam had come into our lives.
“Also,” Kit continued, “whenever we talk, you bring him into every conversation. ‘Sam this, Sam that. Sam said blah blah blah.’”
“I do not!”
“Do too. I bet the sexual tension between you two is indescribable.”
“Kit,” I groaned.
“What? You deserve to hook up with someone who looks at you like the goddess you are.”
“You haven’t seen how he looks at me.”
“Yes I have. The day we met him. Long before he started helping you out. He looked a little terrified, but that was just about being a dad. He still stared at you like you were the best thing he’d ever seen. And like you came back from the dead or something.”
Funny, that was how I’d felt when I saw him too.
Kit smirked. “When you were showing him how to hold Henry… I think he would have gotten down on his knees and barked like a dog if you asked him to.”
I pressed my hand over my eyes.
“What? I don’t see what the problem is.”
I dropped my hand. I should have been thrilled, I think, by what she was telling me. She was validating what Sam had said. I’m crazy about you. But she didn’t understand. No one seemed to.
“Why is this man being obsessed with you an issue?” she asked.
“Because!” I said, maybe a little too sharply. “Because you said ‘I deserve to hook up with someone’. But there’s no ‘hooking up’ when there are kids involved.”
Kit’s face fell. “You deserve to have fun just as much as anyone else, El.”
“Yes, but I can’t have anything blow up in my face, Kit. It’s not just about me.”
Yet even as the words left my mouth, I questioned their veracity. Was I just rehearsing the same protests over and over again because of what had happened in the past? Could it be that it wouldn’t go sideways with Sam? But what about the way he couldn’t stand still?
Because I liked him. I really liked him. Tommy liked him, too. And Henry? Henry loved him.
I felt a little dizzy.
Kit meanwhile, had blanched. “I’m sorry Ellie. I didn’t think of that.”
“Kit, it’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I’ve heard Con talk about it.
I saw last year, when his ex showed up to take Archie away for the month.
He could barely communicate with her. Con looked like he was going to die handing Archie over.
And he was in a funk for pretty much the whole month.
And they only have to interact once a year. ”
She’d let that out in a breathless whoosh. She had big feelings about her best friend’s pain. Kit was a serious empath.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I promised. “It’s not like that between me and Sam. I’m sorry you had to see Con hurting like that.” I swallowed hard. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it could work.” So long as I controlled the narrative. And my feelings. Because why couldn’t I ‘hook up’?
In the past, I’d always looked at relationships as if they’d be forever.
And each time I’d be devastated when it didn’t work out.
Sam was going to stick around forever as Henry’s dad, I knew that in my bones.
So what if this attraction was passing or he needed to take off for a while?
I could just plan for that. If I kept this light and with no expectations, maybe I could be okay.
My therapist back in California was always telling me to let go of expectations and outcomes.
As a planner, this was hard to remember, but I could do it. I knew I could.
I don’t know how this had turned around so I was convincing myself, but the relief at feeling like maybe Sam and I could get this ridiculous tension out of our systems felt incredibly freeing.
“Maybe Sam and I could have a little fun,” I said. There was something tugging at the back of my mind about that, but I was sick of letting myself be dictated by worry. I’d been doing the responsible thing since I was twenty years old—I deserved to have fun, too.
Kit nodded. But she looked close to tears.
“Kit, come on. It’s okay, I promise. I’m just nervous. I’ve never ‘hooked up’ with anyone before.” Except Sam, that first time, of course. And look how that had turned out. But I’d survived. And look where we were now. Two mature adults. Who desperately needed to have sex.
Kit wrung her hands. “I just really meant it when I said you deserved to be happy. I still… I don’t know. Maybe it’s naive, but I still think you could find that happiness with Sam. I just know he’s not a flake. He can’t be.”
He wasn’t. I felt bad that I’d painted him that way, knowing now why he never stuck in one place long, or why he hadn’t sorted out his career.
I could find happiness with Sam—right now, with what was right in front of us.
Then we could have a future together where none of the intense feelings going on now were an issue.
“You’re right, Kit.” I hooked arms with her. “Thanks for being an amazing friend.” I felt light. Weightless.
Kind of like how I felt around Sam.
“I want the best for you,” she said.
We’d reached my place. I hugged her extra hard. “And I want the best for you,” I said back. “You deserve to be happy too, Kit.”
She pulled away, laughing. “I am happy. Totally happy.”
This time I was the one who lifted an eyebrow.