34. Dads and Moms
Dads and Moms
SAM
It was sometime after five AM when I snuck out of Ellie's bed and crept upstairs to lie back down on the couch. We'd only fallen asleep a couple of hours ago, but I didn't want to risk Tommy coming up and finding me gone.
As I pulled the sheet up over me, the early morning sun glowing through the open patio door; the first birds singing, I felt like I was floating on air.
Last night was the most incredible night of my life. Period. I could still feel Ellie under my hands. I could smell her hair with every breath.
But then again, every second I spent with Ellie, Henry and Tommy set the bar for incredible.
As I lay there with my hands behind my head, I thought about how it wasn’t just the amazing moments that made me feel this way.
Even the shitty ones did. Like when I forgot the diaper bag at home and Henry seemed to know it.
Or when Tommy grumbled something a little mean.
Even the things that were getting repetitive felt like a privilege.
They were all things Ulli and Mirabelle would never get a chance to experience. Things I never thought I would get to experience. Not before everything happened, and especially not after, when my world grew so small.
I couldn't believe how much things had changed in the couple of months since Ellie and I had met each other again. There was a baby sock on the coffee table next to me, beside the little doll that still stood there. I’d picked it up off the floor last night not thinking anything of it.
Now, taking it in my hand, feeling the soft stretchy fluff of it over my fingers, I felt beside myself.
What a gift to get to pick a baby sock up off the floor.
What a privilege to screw things up. To burn dinner; to clean up baby shit.
To explain casually to a teenager why it was our job to put the toilet seat down, no matter what.
I sat up as the realization hit me like a smack in the face.
I’d spent years trying to find my purpose. I’d moved to a new location, kept honing in on different careers.
None of it ever felt right, because wherever I went, I was still me.
And without knowing it, I’d been waiting for this.
I’d been waiting to find my place in the beautiful minutiae of life.
To have a life that didn’t seek some kind of external end point, but found joy in existing every day with people I loved.
To be a part of a family, where I got to pack lunches and run baths, to tie shoes and kiss baby cheeks.
Where I had the privilege to love people simply because—like Ellie said—it was easy to do.
I picked up the doll, holding it in one hand and the baby sock in the other. My throat burned with a lump that had me swallowing hard, leaning back on the couch.
This was my life's purpose. To be a dad.
To be a husband.
To honor and love and protect the woman I loved and my family until the day I died. To support her through caring for her and our family.
To love and to love and to love.
Ellie told me she didn't know how much she had to give. But all I needed was for her to give me herself, just as she was.
I wanted to run back downstairs and wrap my arms around Ellie to whisper into her ear that I had figured it out. To tell her I was going to be fucking super-dad. The best dad in the world. That I was going to marry her and be the best husband in the world, too.
I knew I had to chill, though. I couldn't just tell Ellie that I wasn't going anywhere, or be anything like the shitty exes who’d never deserved her. I had to show her. Somehow.
My mind was reeling. I felt wired. But I'd only had an hour of sleep. I ought to have a little more before the rest of the house woke up. Just as I was laying back down though, footsteps sounded on the stairs.
I held my breath. But it wasn't Ellie who appeared in the doorway. It was Tommy.
“Hey,” I said. I looked up at the clock in the dining room. It was only half-past five.
“What are you doing up?” I asked.
Tommy rubbed his eyes, ignoring my question. “Do you sleep sitting up?”
I couldn't help laughing. Tommy’s deadpan delivery could be misconstrued as rudeness if you didn’t know him. This kid was hilarious. I loved him, just like I loved Henry.
“Only when I'm driving,” I managed.
This got at least a little smile out of him.
“Do you want to sit down?” I moved over to make room for him.
He did come over, but he opted to sit on the chair next to the couch. He rubbed his eyes again, and I wondered if he looked at all like Henry when he was a baby. Then I thought of Ellie, alone and so young. Just the two of them together. They’d been through so much.
“Are you close with your dad?” Tommy asked.
The question surprised me. I leaned back, thinking about it.
“No. Though for a while I guess you could have called it that. He took me to all my practices and games. Practiced ball outside with me for hours. We talked, sometimes.” I thought about it.
“It was mostly about baseball, but sometimes we talked about other things.
Like the neighbor's new car or something funny Mom or my sister had done.”
I remembered, suddenly, our private Morse code.
How we used it in a few places outside of baseball.
Once, Mom had burned this casserole she made.
We’d all felt bad so still tried to eat it.
But when I literally tapped out by tapping my fork on the table, Dad bent over to get something and ‘accidentally’ took the tablecloth with him.
Mine and Cora’s plates had tumbled to the floor.
That wasn’t nothing. I could have used that code later, when he couldn’t understand why the hell I was quitting baseball. When I just needed his support.
Tommy was studying me.
“We had our moments,” I said finally. “But no, it wasn’t the best relationship. And we’re not close now.” Even if I wished it were different. Especially since his health wasn’t great. At least I knew I would never, ever be this way with Henry.
“Did you get in trouble as a kid?” Tommy asked.
“A little, but not much. I was too busy with baseball.” I hesitated.
“But Tommy, there's no wrong way to be a kid.” I kept my eyes on his.
“I might not have run into the problems that you’ve had to deal with.
Maybe your problems are worse than mine ever were.
Some of them for sure were. But some weren't. I know I had big feelings and I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about them. So if you're wondering if my life was somehow better with a dad in it, I’m—” I rubbed my shoulder, wanting to phrase this the right way. “I’m not sure anyone can provide a real answer to that. What I do know with absolute certainty is that your mom on her own cares more than a thousand moms and a thousand dads who don't. She works her ass off every day, and she’s proud to do it. And the reason why is you.”
“And Henry,” Tommy said.
“And Henry. But right now, I’m talking about you.”
Tommy gripped the arms of his chair. “I've made her worry so much.”
“Yeah, you have. But she wouldn't worry if she didn't love you more than life itself.”
Tommy swallowed, his long throat bobbing. “I'm going to have one more project before the end of the year.”
He kept throwing me off by not saying what I think he really wanted to. But I wasn't in a rush.
“Oh yeah? What’s it on?”
“Trades. We have to choose one that we think we'd be good at. I'm going to choose electrician.”
I smiled. “I guess you’ll want to talk to your mom then.”
“Actually, I was hoping to surprise her with it. I was gonna ask you if you could help me again, but…” he hesitated. “I haven't figured out what to say to you about what happened yesterday.”
Tommy was looking down at his lap.
I waited.
Finally, he looked up, and when he did, his eyes were wet.
“I’m really sorry Sam. I was so pissed yesterday.
I was mad at you but not because… It’s not like you did anything wrong.
You were trying to help me and I…I don't know what I would've done if I actually hurt you.” He swallowed. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“Leave?” My chest cracked. Tommy was going to be sixteen in two weeks. But right now, I got a glimpse of him at six. Did he really think that would make me leave?
“Tommy, I meant what I said. I’m not leaving. Not as long as—”
I almost said not as long as his mom would have me.
I wanted to tell him I’d be his dad too if he wanted me to be.
I wanted it so badly it hurt. But I couldn’t make promises that weren’t just up to me, as much as I was desperate for things to work out with Ellie.
I couldn’t do that to him. And I wouldn’t ever want Ellie to think I was somehow leveraging her son to get her to be with me.
I took a breath, trying again.
“Yes, I’m Henry’s biological father, but I want to be there for you too, Tommy. I will be there for you, no matter how things iron out.”
“What if I mess up again?” Tommy pinched his eyes shut. “What if I do something stupid and hurt you or Mom or—”
“There’s nothing you can do that will make us abandon you, Tommy. Nothing. Whatever your challenges, we’ll work through them together.”
Tommy stood up, and for a minute I thought he was going to storm off. But he didn’t. He stood there long enough that he let out a sound of frustration and said “Can you get up?”
I finally got the hint. The moment I stood up then he threw his arms around me. I didn’t even have time to react before he had abruptly let me go again.
“I’m sorry Sam,” he said, his chin on his chest. “I won’t do it again.”
Then he walked away.
“Hey,” I called after him. “You want to hang out? We could make breakfast?”
“Hell no,” he said without turning around. “I’m going back to bed.”
I threw my head back at that and laughed.
Only twenty minutes after Tommy went back downstairs, Henry stirred on the monitor.
He squealed when he saw me at his door, pulling himself to standing on the side of his crib and doing this twerking dance that always made me laugh.
“Hey buddy,” I whispered.
“Da!” He exclaimed.
I told myself the first time he said Da that it didn’t mean dad. But right now, I felt like my chest was going to explode with pride as I picked him up.
“Da!”
“Shh!” I laughed. “You’re going to wake Mom!”
I made him giggle by nuzzling his neck with my head, then changed his diaper, got him dressed, and headed upstairs.
Ellie told me she usually woke up at six-thirty, whether Henry was up or not, and I wanted the food to be ready for her.
So I headed over to the play area with Henry, setting him down with a bottle.
I could have put him in the carrier but I knew he was antsy to move around in the morning.
“I’ll just be a minute, okay? No funny business. ”
Of course, that’s when it all started going downhill.
I’d just gotten the bacon on and was whisking a couple of eggs when I looked up to see Henry crawling into the kitchen with half a houseplant sticking out of his mouth.
“Henry!” I ran over to him, fishing the leaves from his mouth. “How did you get out?” I inspected his mouth, and it looked like it was no harm done, but I ran him over to the washroom just to be sure, rinsing his mouth out with water. What if he’d headed to the stairs?
“You’re ridiculous!” I exclaimed into the mirror once I was done. I wasn’t sure which one of us I was talking to. Henry giggled.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror—I looked like shit. I had bags under my eyes, which were a little bloodshot.
“I look like I’ve been up all night with your mom,” I said. I gave myself a shit-eating grin.
Henry bopped me on the cheek with the flat of his hand.
I swear this kid could understand me.
But I was still unnerved by how he’d escaped. How was I supposed to be super-dad when I could mess up so easily? What would Ellie think? Because I’d have to confess this to her.
Fuck.
We were just heading back to the kitchen when the doorbell rang, scaring the shit out of me.
I frowned, but stuck Henry on my hip and jogged downstairs. Conrad, maybe?
It wasn’t Conrad. It was a sixty-something woman with salt and pepper hair and a wide smile. She was holding a bouquet of pink and white flowers.
“Sur—” She cut herself off when she saw me, her expression shifting through about a hundred different things as I stood there. “Oh.”
“Hi,” I said. The woman looked strangely familiar, though I was sure I’d never seen her in my life.
Then she smiled.
“You’re Ellie’s mom,” I said, realization dawning.
“Yes. Grace. And you are my grandson’s doppelg?nger. Which I think can only mean one thing. You’re the famous Sam.”
Famous?
Grace held her hands out, and for a moment, I thought she wanted a hug. But when I moved in, she tsked. “Give me the baby, you goof. You can carry my suitcase.”
Heat flushed my cheeks. Shit. After feeling like I killed it last night with Ellie, and earlier this morning with Tommy, this morning had been one fail after the other.
When she took Henry from me, I wondered briefly if I was screwing this up, too. Except, she was definitely who she said she was. The way she made kissy faces at Henry was exactly the same as Ellie. Same with her laugh, when Henry said “Ba!”
I relaxed slightly, seeing the way Henry responded to her, and how delighted she clearly was to see him.
“You’ve learned so many words since I’ve seen you last!” Grace said to Henry as she headed up the stairs.
“I— Sorry, Ellie didn’t mention you were coming,” I said after I’d grabbed the suitcases and started wrestling them up the stairs after her.
“Oh, she doesn’t know. It’s a surprise. I’m here for Tommy’s birthday next week. I’ve never once missed it. Is something burning up here?”
“Oh, fuck.” I sprinted past her into the kitchen, where the bacon was black in the middle, smoke billowing. The smoke alarm was going to go off, it would freak Ellie out. She would see I was incompetent, I’d made a fool of myself in front of Ellie’s mom, and everything was falling apart.
I ran past Grace and Henry, doing a horse leap over the baby gate, which I still didn’t know how Henry had gotten out of, and through the still-open patio door.
I stumbled to a stop at the railing, narrowly avoiding the urge to frisbee the whole thing out into the Quince River.
Instead, I stood there holding the smoking pan, trying to regain my composure.
It was then—only then, after all of that, even after looking at myself in the goddamned mirror—that I realized I wasn’t wearing a shirt.
I thought of the scratches I’d been so proud of Ellie scraping down my back last night.
The ones now on clear display for her mother.
Fuck. Me.
“Ba!”
I turned around like a robot, a grimace fixed on my face. Grace stood in the patio doorway, Henry on her hip. Her eyebrows were raised, but there was a smile twitching on her lips. “I’d say welcome to parenthood, Sam. But it looks like you’re already well in the thick of it.”