42. He Wouldn’t
He Wouldn’t
ELLIE
The next day started out with me waking to a text from Sam from last night. He must have sent it before he’d even left to go home. There were three of them, actually.
SAM: I love you
SAM: I love you
SAM: I fucking love you, Ellie.
I grinned, glowing like a firefly. Then I got up and on with my day.
Sam was supposed to be back here at ten to help set up the backyard for Tommy, so I didn’t think much of him not responding to my I love you too, how did you sleep? text. He was probably sleeping. Then, probably driving.
But by the time ten came and went, I started to worry.
I handed Henry to Mom, then hit his number.
It didn’t even ring.
My stomach twisted.
“Any luck?” Mom asked from across the yard. The space was decorated, but somehow, the decorations deepened my dread.
Sam was gone. He’d crawled out my window and disappeared.
“Not yet,” I called, trying to keep my voice bright.
All brightness was gone by the time the party started. Mom had woken Tommy up at ten-thirty, reassuring me Sam had probably just forgotten about the early start time. But when everyone turned up at the door and he still wasn’t there, I started to panic.
“When’s the last time you heard from him?” Conrad demanded.
He was grilling me like a cop or firefighter, but I appreciated that he was taking my concern seriously.
“Last night,” I whispered. “Around ten-thirty.”
Tommy frowned, but luckily his still sleepy and slightly bewildered brain wasn’t up for doing the math.
“Where was he going? What was he wearing?”
“Con,” Kit said. “What is he, a perp?”
“No,” Conrad said, sounding irritated. “Of course not. But if he’s missing, we need to be able to find him.”
I knew his irritation wasn’t at Kit. More than likely it was because of Chip, who was just sitting there uselessly, throwing a ball up and down in the air.
“You could at least throw Henry’s ball to Henry,” Kit snapped at him now.
He looked hurt, like he didn’t know why she was annoyed.
But I was still too thrown by Conrad’s words.
Missing?
The idea that Sam was a missing person was terrifying. But so was the other possibility.
That he’d done what he always did. Taken off, running for the hills when things get tough.
That little voice in my head was like a knife to my chest.
But I couldn’t reconcile it with the man I knew.
The one I’d fallen in love with.
As Kit looked at me with an expression that was this close to tears—for me, I knew—I knew she was thinking he ran. How could she not? She didn’t know his whole story.
Mom had an anxious expression on her face, though she was trying to hide it.
We were quiet over brunch, which made me feel like shit, because this was supposed to be Tommy’s birthday. But even Tommy just pushed his waffles around his plate with eyes staring at nothing.
“Honey, I’m so sorry,” I said to him. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. “We’ll have another party, I promise.”
He blinked. “It’s fine. I just… I didn’t think he’d do something like this.”
“He wouldn’t,” I said, my voice loud enough that everyone startled. I didn’t care.
Henry started whimpering. Mom picked him up and carried him over to the little play area we’d set up for him.
“Tommy, you wanna come play with Henry with me?” Archie asked.
Tommy’s lips turned up slightly. He got up and the boys joined mom on the grass.
“He didn’t run,” I whispered.
Please, please don’t let him have run.
I looked over at Mom. She met my gaze, gave me a soft smile. Kit, next to me, grabbed my hand and squeezed.
He didn’t run. But if he did, I would be okay.
Chip, with a mouthful of waffles, said, “He probably went for cigarettes. That’s what they say, right?”
Kit went stiff beside me.
“The dada went for smokes,” Chip continued, and never—”
“Do not finish that sentence,” Conrad said, his voice steely.
“What? It’s just a joke.”
“And it’s not funny,” Kit said, spacing her words out.
“Jeez.”
“You know what, Chip,” Kit said, “I think you should go.”
Chip looked confused, like he truly didn’t understand why he was in trouble.
I remember Kit saying to me once that Chip was a teddy bear.
That he stuck his foot in it all the time, but he made up for it by making her laugh and looking out for her.
She said that, but either he’d stopped doing that, or she had a messed-up definition of what being taken care of meant.
That day I’d fainted, what was it Sam had said? I get to take care of you.
It was a privilege for him.
“Whatever,” Chip said. “Come on, Kit.”
“Kit’s staying,” I said. I turned to her. “If you want to.”
“Of course I want to.” She set her fork down. To her boyfriend, she said, “I’ll walk you out.”
Chip gaped.
“Get. Up.” She said through her teeth.
He stood up, looking wounded once again.
“Happy birthday, Tommy,” Chip said. “I hope you like the present I got you.”
On the other side of the table, Conrad looked like he was going to bend his fork in half.
Chip and Kit disappeared into the house, arguing.
“Do you do search and rescue outside the woods?” I joked to Conrad. We were the only ones left at the table.
“Ellie, I—”
“It’s okay,” I said, fighting tears.
“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I think Sam’s a good guy. Even if he’s got shit going on.”
My chest felt like it was contracting. I knew he was trying to be helpful, but knowing even Conrad thought he’d taken off was a blow. Even if he was being nice about it.
“Excuse me,” I said, pushing up from the table. I hurried into the house, not wanting my kids to see me losing it.
Conrad looked at me awkwardly, like he wanted to say something reassuring, but I was already gone.
I staggered down the hallway, holding my hand against the wall for support.
This is where Sam supported me when I could barely walk.
I passed my doorway. That’s where Sam made me feel beautiful and loved, and took me to the moon.
Past my boys’ rooms, where I knew Sam had sung his son to sleep, and Tommy’s room, where he’d told Tommy corny jokes through the door to get him to wake up to get to school.
To the front door, where he’d looked so nervous that first day, and everyone had seen it.
“He’s not gone,” I said out loud. “He’s not.”
Down the street, by Kit’s truck, she and Chip were in a heated fight. Her red hair was wild, her cheeks pink. She was crying. I hoped somehow that this was it for them.
Out on the river walk, a tourist family was passing, the dad taking a photo of the mom with two teenage boys at the railing.
That could have been a version of us.
It still could be.
I sank down on the step, dialing Sam’s parents again. I didn’t expect them to pick up. They hadn’t all morning.
A cab pulled up, blocking my view of the family.
At the same time, a voice sounded on the end of the phone. “Hello?”
I frowned, confused. It didn’t make sense, but the voice sounded a lot like Cora.
“Hello?” I said. “This is Ellie. Is this—”
“Ellie, oh my God. Have you talked to him? Is he there?”
My stomach felt like I’d been punched. If I’d been able to reach her the first time he left, would it have sounded like this?
“I—” I began.
But that cab, across the street… someone was getting out onto the sidewalk. Someone with dark hair. A man, who braced his hand on the roof of the vehicle.
“He left the hospital, Ellie. He said he had to get to you. His phone was dead and he was yelling about not having your number, they said he should stay but—”
I dropped the phone. It clapped onto the stoop, maybe broken. I didn’t care. Not at all. Because the man getting out of the cab was staring at me. He had crystal-blue eyes.
He was wearing the same clothes he was in last night. That same stupid t-shirt that made me laugh-cry as I went running down the stairs.
A car honked as Sam staggered into the street, swerving to get out of his way.
I ran and ran, it felt like a mile, but then I was there, he was there, and I was in his arms. They were crushing me. He was holding me so tight I couldn’t breathe. But nothing mattered, not even air. Because I knew. I knew.
“I didn’t leave, Ellie,” he said into my hair. “I didn’t leave you. I needed you to know.”
“I know,” I said, trying hard not to sob. I pulled back, cupping his face, looking into his bloodshot eyes. “I know, Sam.”
Then his lips were on mine, the sparks exploding through me more powerful than an electrocution. They felt like the beginnings of a galaxy. Of a whole new world being created right there between us.
A honk startled us into breaking the kiss.
We were blocking traffic.
“Come on,” I said, taking Sam’s hand. I guided him across the street. But I didn’t notice until we reached the curb that he was limping badly. I didn’t notice the paleness of his skin until he’d stepped up onto the sidewalk with what looked like super-human strength.
“Kit!” I yelled.
But she and Chip were inside her truck, facing the other way.
“I don’t think—” Sam said. He leaned onto the back of my minivan in the driveway. “I think I might not be able to stay upright, sweetheart.”
But just then, Conrad appeared in the doorway. He must have heard my yell.
“The fuck!” he called. He raced toward us, catching Sam just before his knees gave out. “Sam, what the hell! What happened? We need to get you an ambulance!”
“No,” Sam croaked. He reached his hand out, searching. He was looking for me.
“I’m here, Sam.” I took his hand, then curled myself under his other arm. Together Conrad and I got Sam up the steps and inside.
“Just need… Lie down.” Sam said.
We got him into my room, flopped on the bed.
“Wrecking the sheets,” Sam said, his eyelids at half-mast. But he was looking at me, his lips tilted up.
I couldn’t help the quiet laughter I let out. He’d helped me change the sheets a few hours ago, for very specific, sexy reasons. And he was filthy, I noticed now. He was covered in dirt; there were twigs and leaves in his hair.
“What happened?” Conrad asked.
“Sister. Cora will—” he trailed off.
Conrad had already checked his vitals. He said he looked okay. But I asked him again. “Are you sure?”