Chapter 36
It’s Friday today and I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me.
I’ve got one last band to check out for the Bonfire Night Festival, so I’m going to one of their gigs tonight.
Adam has agreed to come with me, but things are still a little weird between us.
It’s strange, because we’re being perfectly polite, everything seems fine on the surface, but it’s almost like we’re both wishing the time would pass quicker, so we can go our separate ways.
Hopefully tonight won’t be too bad, because Mel, Angie, Tim and Si are coming along with us too. The whole gang; strength in numbers. I can avoid some people, stick with others. It should be a fun night out, which is just what I need right now.
Tomorrow we’ve got the fundraiser for the festival, which is going to be held on the beach.
There’s going to be a Halloween party theme, with food stalls, roasted nuts, toffee apples and spooky games (and thankfully the weather forecast says it’s going to be dry and not too cold), but it isn’t just an excuse to schmooze the local businessmen and women who have sponsored the event; they are also going to be finishing the last piece of the backstage area, even if it’s just hammering a nail for a photo opportunity.
And then the countdown to the event begins.
The real work starts on the stage, all the plans are in place, all of the pieces of the puzzle are there and waiting to be clicked into place.
Kerry is obsessed with the Bonfire Night Festival being a community thing – probably because it’s really easy to infuriate the locals, who are generally resistant to new things – so that’s why we’re having this get-together of the ‘festival family’ (as she calls it) tomorrow, and why she wants it to seem like everyone is doing their bit.
The fundraiser is only for the VIPs though, important figures in the village, people who have contributed lots of money and those involved in making it happen, which is why I’m lucky enough to be invited.
One thing that is worrying me a little is the fact that Si and Adam’s mum is going to be there, because her husband owns the local garden centre, and they’re sponsoring the event.
I’m sure I’m worrying unnecessarily, and we’ll get on just fine, but I just feel… I don’t know… weird about it.
After successfully hogging the bathroom for the best part of an hour I am all dolled up and ready to head out to the gig.
‘You look good,’ Adam says brightly as we bump into each other on the landing.
‘You too,’ I reply with a smile. He’s wearing one of his trademark tight-fitting T-shirts and a trendy pair of jeans, and, of course, he’s looking devastatingly handsome.
I wish things felt like they did before the awkwardness, when it was exciting, like anything could happen.
‘So, er, is Becka coming tonight?’ I ask him, but I instantly wish I hadn’t because it reactivates the awkwardness between us.
‘No, she isn’t,’ he replies, and that’s that.
‘Adam, wait.’ I grab his arm to stop him walking away. ‘Look, I don’t know what’s happened but I really miss what we had before,’ I admit. ‘Maybe there’s a conversation we need to have, I don’t know, but please can we just go back to being friends?’
Adam seems to soften but we’re far from being back to normal.
‘Okay,’ he replies. ‘Let’s just have fun tonight.’
I follow him downstairs where we find Si sitting on the sofa with his feet up. There’s football on TV, his sleeves are rolled up and his tie is loosened.
‘You’re not ready,’ I point out. ‘We’ve got to leave in five minutes.’
I know he’s the kind of guy who insists he can get ready quickly, but five minutes isn’t much time at all, is it? His curly hair is looking messy after what was probably a hectic day at work. He looks like he could do with a shower too.
‘I’m not going,’ he tells us, keeping his eyes on the TV.
‘Why not?’ I ask.
‘Because – GOAL!’ he shouts before composing himself again. ‘Because I’ve been working all week and I’m tired. I just want to relax, not go to a noisy gig.’
‘Gigs are supposed to be noisy,’ I remind him with a smile.
Si pretty much ignores me. Adam raises his eyebrows.
I mean, it’s up to him if he wants to go, I don’t mind if he does or he doesn’t, but he told me he really wanted to, so I went out of my way to get him onto the guest list, not wanting to leave him out – now it seems like he’s changed his mind.
I know what it’s like when you’re tired, when you can’t quite find the motivation to get up, get dressed and get out of the house. Sometimes all you need is a bit of encouragement, something to put the spring back in your step.
‘Well, I’ll go book us a taxi if you’re not driving us,’ Adam says, nodding towards the beer in Si’s hand.
With Adam out of the room, I take a seat next to Si, to see if it’s just a bit of gentle encouragement he needs.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?’ I check.
‘Yeah, I’m sure, I thought the two of you might like some time alone,’ he says. ‘You’ve been getting a lot of that recently…’
His voice trails off. Does he think something is going on between me and Adam? Is it bothering him? I couldn’t have been clearer with him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and that there was nothing beyond friendship between us.
‘Well, we are working together,’ I remind him. ‘And tonight is work, but it will still be fun. I thought you wanted to come?’
‘Just leave it, Lia,’ he replies.
I don’t know why he’s being so odd.
‘Si…’
Si gets up from the sofa and glances into the hallway to see if Adam is there.
‘You think I don’t see what’s going on?’ he says to me, sort of angrily.
‘Nothing’s going on,’ I protest, but Si doesn’t seem interested in what I have to say.
‘I have eyes, Lia, two of them and they work just fine,’ he says, keeping his voice low enough so that Adam doesn’t hear him.
‘You’re blowing hot and cold with me. One minute you’re saying you want to take things slow, and I respect that, really, I do.
But the next minute you’re trying to walk in on me in the bathroom – accidentally on purpose, it would seem.
Then you’re blowing cold again, cosying up to my brother.
Now you’re inviting me out. I can’t be doing with these mixed messages, I’m too old for this, Lia. ’
For a moment I don’t really know what to say.
I mean, I do, I want to tell him to piss off, because who the hell does he think he is, saying all of that like it’s true?
He has misread all of this completely. I shouldn’t get angry; that won’t help anything.
I just need to tell him, plainly, exactly how things are.
‘Si, listen, I really appreciate you letting me live here with you both, it was a lifeline right when I needed one, but I meant what I said at dinner: I’m not ready for anything, or anyone.
I’m not blowing hot and cold on you – I really did accidentally walk in on you in the shower, I would never do that on purpose.
I love living here, and I’m loving my new job – I finally feel like I’m getting my life back on track.
As far as relationships go, I’m not trying to start anything, I need time to get my head together – and, look, if you need me to move out, I can absolutely do that,’ I insist.
Why isn’t he getting this? Why is he finding it so hard to understand? We’re friends. Housemates. Adam and I are colleagues.
‘Taxi’s here,’ Adam interrupts us, ducking his head into the room. ‘Come on, Lia, let’s go. We don’t want to be late.’
Si plonks himself back down on the sofa.
‘Have fun,’ Si tells us, not really sounding like he means it.
Okay, so things are messier than I thought.
Perhaps I really do need to leave, if Si doesn’t get it, if he thinks it really is just a matter of time before I get over my silly little break-up and come around to the idea of something happening between us.
It was never my intention to make him feel like he just needed to wait, that I would come around eventually, but if that’s what he really believes, then I don’t know, maybe I do need to move out.
Maybe that’s what’s best for Si, what’s best for me…
it might even be what’s best for Adam too, because if my being here is causing problems for their relationship with each other, then I really do need to leave.