38. Addison
Addison
Being with Sawyer eased some of the tension, but it didn’t make it disappear.
Sex helped. The way her hands knew me. The way my body softened the second she touched me.
We barely spoke before it happened. Just mouths, hands, and desperate breaths. Clothes left somewhere between the door and the bed.
Afterward, we lay tangled beneath the sheets while the city hummed quietly outside her windows.
“You okay?” Sawyer asked, brushing her thumb along my arm.
“Yeah.” I turned my head toward her.
She didn’t push. She just waited.
“Dinner was the same,” I admitted.
“Your mom.”
“She’s relentless. Everyone is lately. The closer the wedding gets, the more people act like I need to be paired off.”
Sawyer gave me a faint smile. “Who was it this time?”
“A doctor.” I let out a tired laugh. “Very presentable.”
“That sounds exhausting.”
“It is.” I shifted closer to her. “I hate that the easiest answer is pretending you don’t exist.”
Her hand went still against my arm for half a second.
“I know you’re not pretending I don’t exist,” she said.
“But it feels like I am.”
She looked away before brushing a strand of hair from my face. “I know you’re not ashamed of me,” she said quietly. “I do know that.”
The words were reassuring, but something in her voice wasn’t.
“But?” I asked.
Sawyer exhaled. “But sometimes I don’t understand.”
My chest tightened. “Understand what?”
“You say you want me there. You say you want them to know.” Her eyes came back to mine. “And I believe you. I just don’t understand why wanting it isn’t enough to make you do it.”
I swallowed. “It’s not that simple.”
“I know.” Her voice stayed gentle. “At least, I’m trying to.”
The hurt was there now. Small, but impossible to miss.
“I freeze,” I said. “I picture the questions. My mother trying to get involved. Trying to control it. And then I think about what happens if she looks at me differently after.”
Sawyer nodded slowly. “I know you’re scared.”
“I am.”
“And I’m not asking you to stop being scared.” She paused. “I just don’t want to be the part of your life that only exists when no one else is around.”
“You’re not.”
Her voice softened. “Sometimes it’s harder to remember when you’re sitting at dinner while your mother tries to set you up with someone else.”
The shame hit hard. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty.”
“You’re allowed to be hurt.”
Her jaw tightened slightly. “I don’t want to rush you. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all.”
I reached for her hand and held it against my chest. “I want to bring you,” I whispered. “So badly.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed of you.”
“I don’t.” She squeezed my hand. “But eventually, Addie, you’re going to have to decide whether being afraid matters more than letting me stand beside you.”
My eyes burned.
She immediately pulled me closer. “I’m not giving you an ultimatum.”
“I know.”
“I’m still here.”
I tucked myself against her, pressing my face into her shoulder. “I hate that I’m still like this.”
“You’re allowed to take your time,” she said, running her hand down my back. “I just need you to remember I have feelings about it too.”
“I will.”
She held me until the tightness in my chest began to ease.
“Stay tonight,” she whispered.
I wrapped my arm around her. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good. Me either.” She said, and I knew she was talking about more than just tonight.
* * *
Monday night felt deceptively normal. We met after work the way we had started doing more often lately.
Dinner was simple. shared plates and a glass of wine each while Sawyer told me about something ridiculous that had happened at the shop. I tried to listen, but I kept getting distracted by the way her mouth moved when she talked.
When we finished eating, neither of us felt like going home. It was a gorgeous fall evening, and neither one of them wanted to waste it.
“Record store?” Sawyer asked, nodding toward the block ahead.
I slipped my hands into my jacket pockets. “That sounds perfect.”
We walked the few blocks together, our fingers brushing until they laced automatically. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t scan the sidewalk or look over my shoulder the way I usually did. This part of the neighborhood felt like Sawyer’s world. Safe and separate from the rest of mine.
The bell above the door chimed when we stepped inside.
Sawyer headed straight for the rock section while I wandered toward the new arrivals, flipping through records without really looking at them.
I was halfway through a bin when I heard my name.
“Addie?”
My stomach dropped.
I turned slowly.
Lilly stood near the front of the store, her hair swept up and her cheeks pink from the evening air. Brad was beside her holding a stack of records like he had found buried treasure.
“What are you doing here?” Lilly asked, smiling.
“Just browsing.” I gestured toward the bins. “We had dinner nearby. What about you?”
Lilly laughed and nudged Brad. “Best man gift shopping. We ate down the street, so he talked me into stopping.”
Of course he did.
My mind scrambled to catch up. Suddenly, I noticed everything. Sawyer beside me. How close we were standing. The way her hand reached for mine.
I pulled mine away and put my hands on my hips.
The movement was instinctive.
Immediate.
Cowardly.
The second I did it, I wanted to take it back.
Sawyer didn’t react, but I felt the shift beside me. The small space that opened between us.
Lilly’s eyes moved from me to Sawyer. “I don’t think we’ve met.” She smiled and held out her hand. “I’m Lilly. Addie’s best friend.”
Sawyer gave her an easy smile. “Nice to meet you.”
I could have said it then.
This is Sawyer. My girlfriend.
Instead, I panicked.
“Sorry. This is Sawyer,” I said, heat crawling up my neck. “She’s a friend. She works with my brother.”
The lie tasted wrong before I even finished saying it.
Sawyer went still beside me. Her hand slipped into her jacket pocket, and when I looked at her, the warmth she had carried into the store was gone.
She smiled anyway, and that somehow made it worse. It was the smile she gave customers. Polite and easy. Nothing like the one she had been giving me ten minutes ago.
“It’s really nice to meet you,” Sawyer said as she shook Lilly’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about the wedding. It sounds like you have everything planned down to the minute.”
Lilly blinked before smiling. “That is very accurate.”
They talked for another minute about the store, the wedding, and the kind of music Brad was looking for.
I barely heard any of it.
All I could hear was my own voice.
A friend. Works with my brother.
When Lilly and Brad finally left, the bell chimed behind them.
Sawyer reached into the bin beside her and pulled out a record, turning it over like nothing had happened.
“Sawyer.”
“It’s fine.”
She didn’t look at me. It wasn’t fine.
She put the record back and picked up another. Normally she’d be pulling albums out to show me, telling me which ones she owned and which ones were criminally overrated.
I stood there, frozen.
Fucking friend.
We paid and stepped outside. The air felt colder than it had before.
We walked toward my apartment with a small but unmistakable space between us.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said.
Sawyer kept her eyes ahead. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. I froze. I didn’t think.”
“I said it’s okay, Addie.” Her voice was too calm.
“That doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.” I stopped walking.
Sawyer took another step before stopping too. She turned to face me, her expression careful and closed off.
“It mattered,” she said. “I just don’t want to make tonight worse.”
“I don’t want you pretending it didn’t hurt.”
She rubbed the back of her neck. “What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.”
Cars passed behind us. Someone laughed across the street. The whole city kept moving while I stood there waiting for her to say the thing I already knew.
Sawyer looked at me. “I don’t want to be your secret, Addie.”
The words hit hard. “You’re not.”
“I know that’s not how you see me.” Her voice stayed quiet.
“But you pulled your hand away like touching me was something you could get caught doing. Then you told your best friend, Addison. Your best friend, who I haven’t even met after eight weeks of us being together, that I was just someone who worked with your brother. ”
“I panicked.”
“And you lied.”
I swallowed. “I’m trying. You know I am.”
“I do.” Her jaw tightened. “And I’ve been patient because I know this is hard for you. But I’m also falling in love with you.”
My heart stuttered.
Sawyer looked away for a second before meeting my eyes again. “And I don’t want to fall in love with someone who can’t tell the people closest to her that I’m her girlfriend.”
Tears blurred my vision. “That’s not fair.”
“I know it isn’t simple.” She stepped closer and lowered her voice. “I’m not asking you to come out to the whole world tomorrow. I’m not even asking to be your wedding date. I’m asking not to disappear when someone you love walks into the room.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted. The words tore out of me. “I’m scared of what happens when I open that door. Of what my mother will do with it. What she’ll take from me.”
Sawyer nodded slowly. “And I’m scared of what it means if you never open it.”
Silence settled between us. “I don’t want this to be a fight.”
“Neither do I. But I don’t want it to keep hurting quietly either.”
I reached for her sleeve. “Please don’t leave.”
Her eyes closed for a second before she pressed her forehead to mine. “I’m not leaving you,” she whispered. “But I can’t stay tonight.”
The words hurt more than anger would have.
“I need some space. Not from you. Just from this feeling.”
I nodded even though my chest felt like it was collapsing.
Sawyer kissed me. Slow and aching, full of everything neither of us knew how to fix yet.
When she pulled back, her eyes were shining too. “I love what we have,” she said quietly. “I just need to know there’s a place for it outside of the two of us.”
Then she stepped away, shoving her hands into her pockets. “I’ll talk to you later this week.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
She walked away with her shoulders squared and didn’t look back.
I stayed there long after she disappeared around the corner, the weight of my fear pressing down on my chest.
I hadn’t just hurt her. I had made her feel like loving her was something I could only do in private.
* * *