Chapter 34
Harper
After breakfast, we head back in the direction of Reykjavik since we’ll be flying home tomorrow. When Luke came back inside after talking to Cassie, he seemed. . . off. He was still his talkative self, but it was almost like he was overly talkative. A little awkward, even.
I don’t want to know what the two of them had been doing and why it might make him awkward after. There are so many options, and they all make me more jealous than I’d like to admit.
“Want to go here?” Luke says, pointing as we drive up to a sign that says Gunnuhver Hot Springs.
“Do you think it’s one we can swim in?” I ask, eyeing the road.
“Only one way to find out.” He turns the car onto the road.
It is not, in fact, a hot spring that we can swim in. We spot a sign as soon as we park with an illustration of a person in the water with a big red X.
“So, no swimming,” I mumble.
Luke leads the way, taking us down a path that’s been made with two-by-fours on the ground. The area is surprisingly quiet compared to other places we’ve visited in Iceland.
It doesn’t take long for us to find out why we can’t swim in the water.
Even without the sign, I don’t think either one of us would have considered it, since before we reach the hot spring, there’s a huge plume of steam in the air.
It’s not until we reach the wooden railing, blocking us from getting any closer, that we realize water is being shot out of one of the many piles of boulders and debris.
The steam coming out is so thick it’s difficult to see the water without standing quite close.
The steam reminds me of the trails that planes leave behind in the sky.
This perfect white steam makes a thick trail as it floats off, eventually dispersing into the air.
The entire area is a boulder field of orange rock and sand, steam and mud bubbling out of scattered locations. There’s pools and small rivers of water around us, and even in the far distance I can make out small bubbles of steam everywhere.
We’re standing in the heart of a geothermal hotspot, and it’s so different from anything back home that it feels like a foreign planet.
“Doesn’t get much cooler than this,” Luke murmurs, his eyes roaming over the expanse.
“I’m kinda bummed, to be honest,” I admit.
Luke turns to look at me like I’m crazy. “What?”
“It makes me realize that’s there’s still so much to see of Iceland. I didn’t even know this place existed. If we just randomly stumbled upon this, then what else is out there?”
Luke nods. “So we drive around for the rest of the day until we find more cool stuff like this.” He gestures with his arm, but I don’t say anything.
The trip has come and gone so quickly. Coming to Iceland was my bucket list vacation.
Not only have I still not seen the northern lights, but I’ve also spent most of my time worrying about Luke liking me or me liking Luke.
What a mess.
Seeming to sense my wavering emotions, Luke gently elbows me. “We can always come back.”
The way he says “we” makes my heart flutter, but it’s a new brand of torture. I can spend one-on-one time with Luke, but he can never be mine.
“This trip feels more like the end of my adventures than the start of them.” I’m not sure what possess me to say it. Going home feels like an ending.
“Why do you say that?” Luke asks.
When I turn to look at him, he looks devastated, like I just broke some big dream he had. But it’s just my dream that’s been destroyed.
I want so badly to tell Luke everything, to tell him how I’m too afraid to lose him, but instead of hitting the final nail in my coffin, I talk about the problem that feels so simple now.
“I think I need to find a new job. Figure out something I’d want to do for the rest of my life.
” I don’t know why the reality of this is finally hitting me.
Back home, I was ready to suffer through work for a couple more months, years even.
I thought the break from the country club would allow me to be eager to go back, but coming to Iceland sparked something else instead.
Luke smiles like he knows something I don’t. “No one knows what they want to do for the rest of their life.”
I shrug. “You’ve got it figured out better than I do.” I glance over to him, and he’s scanning my face, like he’s trying to read between the lines of my words, which terrifies me. “You have a job that you like.”
That makes him drop his eyes, and he turns to watch the jets of water come out of the ground.
“You’ll find something. Even if it takes a while, so what?”
My thoughts move back to the conversation I had with Tom. He got discounts and planned trips for other people. I hadn’t given it much thought since that conversation, but even when I first heard it, the idea sparked my interest.
“I was thinking of maybe looking into becoming a travel agent,” I say, failing to mention that the idea came from Tom. No need to bring him up again.
“Yeah?” Luke says. The idea sparks his attention. A huge grin crosses his face, like I solved all the problems in his world, even though my career path doesn’t really affect him.
“Yeah. I loved planning this trip. It was fun. I figure, why not do it for other people and get paid while I’m at it?”
“Might be another desk job,” he says, eyebrows raised. “I know how much you hate those.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “I can deal with it if it’s fun.”
“Now you’re getting it,” he says, giving me a playful shove. It’s the same thing he’s done to me countless times before. Our entire childhood, we went back and forth, teasing and pushing each other. It defines our friendship, and now that friendship feels like it’s not enough.
The corner of my lips turn down, the moment suddenly feeling heavier. Luke notices the shift almost instantly, before I’m able to catch myself and plaster a smile on and pretend like nothing happened. We sit in the silence.
“At least when you get home you might be able to see Cassie again.” I say the words to fill the silence, but even I don’t understand why I had to say that of all things.
I don’t want to know if he and Cassie will meet up again when they get home.
The selfish part of me hopes he never sees her again.
Luke laughs stiffly, but again, he doesn’t say anything else.
“What?” I ask, because I’m too curious for my own good.
“I don’t think I’ll be seeing that girl again.”
“Why not?” I try to hide my enthusiasm, but I’m not sure if I pull it off.
“She’s. . .” He pauses, and I can tell he’s got a million different words running through his head right now. Just how off was I about their relationship? “Not my type.”
That’s all the information he gives me.
“I thought you guys worked things out?”
He cocks an eyebrow, clearly just as confused as I am. “Worked things out?”
I sigh, a little frustrated. “You said she broke things off because she found out we were sharing a bed. But then she showed up here again and kept wanting to hang out with you, so I just thought. . .” I thought you two were making out while I was cooking pancakes.
Luke stares at me. “No,” he says with a laugh. “I mean, yes, that’s why things ended originally, but it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”
I blink, looking down to mask the many thoughts running through my head.
“Why not?” It feels like I’m asking too much now.
There is a line that Luke and I have when it comes to our dating lives, and that line is that we don’t ask for specifics.
We always accept what the other person is willing to share.
We never ask for details. But I need these details now, even if it means toeing past that line in our friendship.
Luke’s quiet. It’s just the two of us. Any other tourists that were here have gone off to a different section or left completely. The only sound is the low rush of water shooting out of the ground.
“I know how it should feel when you love someone, and Cassie wasn’t it,” Luke finally says, his eyes boring into mine. I look away, the attention too intense.
My mind practically explodes, wondering, wanting to ask him so many questions. But the thought of rejection is there in the back of my mind, and every time I think to say something, it grows until I’m rendered mute.
I want to ask him why he knows what it feels like to love someone. I want to ask if that person is me, and if it’s the type of love he’d be willing to risk our friendship over.
But I’m not given that chance.
A large group of teenagers come up the boardwalk, their voices breaking through the white noise of the water. My eyes dart to them.
“Want to keep exploring?” Luke says, his tone shifting away from serious. His arm lingers outward, like he wants to reach out to me. I step forward, and his hand comes to my back to guide me back toward the car but then falls away.
My body wants to go to him and take that hand in mine, but I keep my arms glued to my side, having no idea what anything means anymore.