Chapter 46
Jacob’s team and I fill the pushed-together tables at the restaurant. They laugh and cajole each other as I sit quietly, sandwiched between Jacob and another team member. Neil sits across from us, quiet but content.
Neil might have gotten splattered the night I threw a drink on Jacob, but he doesn’t seem to hold any ill will. He watches me with friendly eyes across the table.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he says, calm voice cutting through the din of the restaurant.
“At dinner or at Circuit Smack?”
He’s unbothered and entirely earnest when he shrugs his broad shoulders and says, “Both. I’ve been trying to get Jacob to reconsider his stance on you for years.”
Uncertainty bubbles through me, coming out as a giggle. “What?”
“You are one of the best in the region, if not the country. Also, the only thing that distracted him more than you being around is you not being around. I’m glad he can stop pining.
” Despite Jacob confirming the sixteen years of yearning, hearing it from someone else knocks me flat.
Did everyone know but us? Judging by the gentle but satisfied expression that’s got his eyes crinkling atop his plump cheeks, I’m thinking perhaps they did—or at least he did.
“He said you sold your car, though? How are you getting home with your robot?”
I click my rings together. “I should probably figure that out, huh? Do you think I can get Zeta on a bus?” It won’t even fit in a car, anyway. Maybe I could rent a truck? That’ll be hard to get in and out of with my knee.
“We have a trailer hooked up to my truck for Kilowatt and our extra materials. I’ll make room for Zeta in there. There should be room in Jacob’s car for you. We usually carpool across a few cars. Some of the team gets dropped off in Milwaukee, anyway, so space frees up quickly.”
The team rejoices around us, reminding me of dinner with the original Zeta team. Jacob’s hand finds my knee under the table, thumb stroking my skin.
“Thank you, Neil. I really appreciate it.”
He shrugs like it’s no big deal. “I would have made space in the trailer even if you two didn’t get together. I’m glad you’re finally getting your chance here.”
My gratitude is cut short by the servers descending with piles of food, family-sized plates all dropped on the table for a family feast. While I have friends in the community, having a team like this is different.
It’s a machine as much as a family. It’s nice to sit back and watch the comfort and conversation between them all.
If I win, I might even afford a team of my own next year, depending on how many sponsorships I can secure as a champion.
After dinner, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. While I love it here, it’s overwhelming to be the odd one out. I’m welcome, but I’m an outsider.
I’m an outsider everywhere. The thought hits me with dizzying clarity. I’m an outsider at this dinner. At Circuit Smack. Everywhere.
“You belong here,” I say to my reflection.
I’m pink-cheeked with a glass of wine and joy.
Still, I can see the worry in my smile. No matter how I try to cover it with glitter lip gloss, it shows.
I try to shove it down and away. Something to deal with later in the complete privacy of my own room.
An Indian restaurant is not a suitable place to start a downward spiral.
I tuck an errant lock behind my ear, square my shoulders, lift my chin.
I’m winning fights. My robot is finally good. I’m working my way, and it’s more sustainable for me. I have Jacob, and all the fun, sweet, sexy things that come with him. “Everything is going great,” I say to the woman in the mirror, but she doesn’t quite believe it.
“That means it’s all going to fall apart soon, isn’t it?
” The words slither out of the aether and squeeze the life out of me.
“It’s all going to fall apart, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
” I stare myself down, trying to bully the doubt and fear away, but its teeth are sharp and strong.
Each worry I’ve been tucking neatly in a corner of my mind to deal with later starts spilling out through the wounds.
He’s going to leave you when this is over.
You’re only here because of his help. You don’t deserve to be here, outsider.
You’re going to fuck it up. He doesn’t care about you.
You don’t deserve to be here, and everyone knows it.
He’s going to betray you again. But it doesn’t matter because you would never win anyway, would you?
It’s all going to fall apart, just you wait and see.
I splash cold water on my face, trying to shock the thoughts out of my system.
It doesn’t work. The thoughts swirl around, making me sick.
I notice the time on my watch and realize I have been gone a suspiciously long time.
Great, everything is about to fall to shit, and everyone is going to notice I spent a weird amount of time away from the table.
I stumble out of the bathroom and back to the table, feeling like I spent a week at sea, and I’m on land again.
Jacob smiles at me and says something as I sit down, but I’m still trying to get my bearings. When I don’t respond, he leans in to study me. “Are you alright?”
“Yes. Yeah. Sorry, what did you say?”
“Do you need a box for your leftovers?” He points to my plate. Plenty of food still left on it, given the delightfully ridiculous portions at the restaurant.
“What? Oh. Yes. Thank you,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
Jacob’s eyes narrow. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I swallow. “Yep. Just tired. Long day.”
The car ride home is quiet. Neil and another crew member, Monica, are in the back seat, lost in post-dinner sleepiness. I shiver in the front seat, drenched in icy anger and doubt. Jacob is rigid beside me.
“What happened?” he asks, voice barely audible over the hum of the engine.
“Nothing.”
“Mari, you looked like you were about to cry. Are you hurt? Is it your knee?”
Was this all fake bluster? He seems so sincere, trepidation shining brightly in his eyes. But I’ve seen him turn on the charm in an instant for other people. I’ve seen him lie without breaking a sweat.
“I’m fine, Jacob. I’m tired, that’s all.”
He says nothing but gives me a single curt nod.
The tension in his body does not relax. Not when we pull into the parking lot.
Not when we silently get ready for bed. Not even when he wraps his arms around me in the dark and kisses my bare shoulder.
I try to enjoy the contact, even if it might all be a ruse, because I know with full certainty he’ll be gone soon.