Chapter 12
EMMELINE
Is this the lowest point in my life?
I don’t remember when I stopped interacting with others or why.
All I know is that it became so much easier to stay in front of my computer and just chat with people online.
The old me used to interact more and made friends quickly.
There was a time when I was the life of the party.
People expected me to show up because if I was there, it was the place to be.
It never was, but people like to believe what they want.
My friends weren’t the only ones who expected a lot of me, my parents—those two wanted too much from me.
What I love about my job is that my clients only expect so much from me and when I deliver more than what they ask for, they’re grateful.
Not many of them are demanding, and by the end of my assignment, they learn to be fair with their expectations and thankful for what I do for them.
It’s my own therapy. I wish I could teach my parents to care for me as I am instead of expecting me to be the perfect daughter.
Ever since I can remember I’ve had to meet specific requirements to deserve their love. I don’t think they ever thought I was enough. Having to be the best at everything was tiring.
“Emmeline, you have to be the best dancer in the class,” Mom said once, when I was only four.
But dancing wasn’t the only thing they wanted me to excel at.
There was gymnastics, tennis, soccer, lacrosse, swimming.
My grades had to be better than everyone else’s.
Parents rejoiced when their kids made the honor roll.
Mine expected me to be or there would be hell to face.
I had to be flawless for them to notice me.
They never had time for play, their children had to be perfect.
They couldn’t handle us when we cried. They hated it when we threw a tantrum.
Unfortunately for them, I grew up and began to care less about their demands and more about my own needs.
There comes a time for every person when they have to stop living for their parents and start living for themselves. My sister hated when I snuck out of the house. She used my rebellion in order to become their favorite. I didn’t care. They wouldn’t keep me at home, in bed, on a Friday night.
Fortunately, they were so old, they were asleep by nine.
I climbed out the window so they wouldn’t police my social life.
When Amy didn’t rat me out, but she played the innocent, defenseless flower all the time.
I hated how weak she became to be loved by them.
When I started high school, Dad forbid us to have a boyfriend until I turned thirty.
Well, Daddy here I am, twenty-eight and boyfriendless.
The biggest issue with my parents is that nothing I did made them happy, so at some point I gave up. But I didn’t realize I’d given up on myself too.
After so many years, I am putting myself out there. I don’t know why I’m doing it honestly. Is it peer pressure? Laura is pushing me harder and harder to get out. She’s over the recluse person I became after all these years alone.
Maybe I’m over myself too.
Having one-sided conversations with my cats isn’t as fun as it used to be.
They are adorable, but I need a lot more than a cat rubbing against my leg and purring for companionship.
But if I’m going to start putting myself out there, I should start with an average guy, not a guy who might as well have fallen from Mount Olympus.
He’s so perfect and not just on the outside.
I love that he took some time to read Fitzgerald.
I know not many like that book, but he made an effort to at least find something to talk with me about.
I couldn’t say no—or change my phone number.
Also, other than the insufferable Mr. Spearman, this is the first guy who I have connected with in such a long time.
Maybe ever. I recall those times when I tried to date in college each and the guys who asked me out would expect me to drop to my knees and do as they said after a couple of drinks.
College men are immature. I was trying to date the wrong men back then, and now, it’s too late to try to find Mr. Perfect.
I’m sure I once cared about feelings, relationships, and fairy tales. It’s just that I’ve seen how one person can break another or even destroy their life.
“Stop it!” I order before I fall back into the black hole of the past.
Maybe Alistair is right. It’s about time to leave the past where it belongs.
Friday, April 22nd, 9:31 a.m.
JSpear84: What are you up to today?
AWalk90: I’m not sure what you’re asking.
This guy confuses the hell out of me. Laura told me the other day I have a little crush on my boss.
I denied it, but if I had to be honest, I’m actually fascinated by him.
Not to the point of obsession, but I am determined to figure him out.
There has to be a reason why such a successful man acts like an ogre.
It’s as if he works overtime to keep everyone at a distance. Zoey, the receptionist told me the other day that he’s exchanged ten words with her in the two years she’s worked with him. He’s not rude, just cold.
JSpear84: I don’t have any quotes today, so I’m wondering what’s wrong with you?
AWalk90: Wrong with me?
I stare at the screen. What does he mean? Just when I thought I was about to describe him as kind, he morphs.
“Damn, you, asshole!”
“Meow!” Sushi protests and goes back to sleep.
“Sorry, I’ll keep quiet,” I grumble.
AWalk90: I didn’t know you were expecting them every day.
JSpear84: You once said it takes 21 days for a person to create a habit. It’s a habit now. I was wondering what you had for me today, there’s nothing. Your quotes are like a horoscope. Not that I believe in them.
AWalk90: I’m intrigued. What do horoscopes have to do with the quotes?
JSpear84: Well, every day some people wake up and check their horoscope before they have their cup of coffee. Kind of sets their mood. Your quotes don’t set my mood, but I look forward to them.
AWalk90: Ha! I knew it. You fell for my charm. Everyone does, Mr. Spearman.
AWalk90: No, wait that’s not what I meant. You didn’t fall in love. Just you know, you like me now.
JSpear84: Yes, I like you. If you allowed me, I’d hire you permanently. So how about my quote?
AWalk90: I haven’t found anything yet; I’m in a funk today.
JSpear84: What’s happening? Talk to your friend Jackson about it?
AWalk90: We’re friends now? Well, it’s a complicated day. My past and present are having a party, and I just can’t come up with anything.
JSpear84: You make them up?
AWalk90: I wish it were Thursday so I could tell you to focus on Thankful Thursday. Let’s pretend. Find happiness, don’t focus on what we want but rather on what we already have, Happy Thursday!
JSpear84: I like it, but it’s Friday.
AWalk90: Live with what I sent, Spearman. By the way, your package is en route. Your brother should receive it tomorrow. Never try to mail a package on such short notice. As I stated before I’m efficient, not a magician.
JSpear84: It was an exception, as my brother needed those documents immediately to dissolve his partnership. What are your plans for this weekend?
AWalk90: Not sure yet, I’ll make up something tomorrow.
JSpear84: That doesn’t answer my question. You don’t talk much about yourself, have you noticed that?
AWalk90: Hey, I have a lot of work to do, it’s Friday. My Monday 2.0. Let’s have a chat tomorrow.
JSpear84: There you go avoiding my questions. You like to learn about me, but you don’t talk about yourself.
AWalk90: Actually, I’m about to go to my therapist, and she charges me plenty to talk about my problems. There’s no point in telling others.