Chapter 24
JASON
Eight years ago
Wedding planning isn’t for the faint of heart.
Save the dates, invites, flowers, caterer, RSVPs, seating charts, and so much more. If my business doesn’t take off, I’m going to work for Josslyn. While working on this, I even created an application for wedding planners, another for brides, and even got a fun countdown for grooms.
We are ready for the big day. At least, I think everything is ready. I have changed my vows five times. They don’t sound right. Something is missing. There’s just so much I want Greta to know.
This day has to be perfect for her. It’s the most important day of our lives. We’re finally here.
Are there enough words to express what she means to me?
I just need her to feel the way she did before… I can’t remember when was the last time that she smiled without worries. Fuck, the last time she smiled period. A real smile. One that showed in her eyes, not just a movement of her lips.
When I finish putting on my tux, I decide to write another set of vows. Sixth time is the charm, right? Once I finish them, I begin to rehearse them. I think this time I got them just right.
“I want you to know that I didn’t think I was the kind of person who could fall in love, but now that I have you, I can’t imagine life any other way.
Love isn’t about the big, swooping gestures.
It’s about waking up just a little bit earlier to get coffee while we watch the news together.
It’s about trading off on the chores and responsibilities we hate and rewarding each other with smiles.
Love is about finding someone who wants to go on that crazy journey of life together so you can support each other every step of the way. And I’m so happy I got—”
Jack won’t stop tapping my fucking shoulder.
I groan. “What part of let me rehearse my vows, is so fucking unclear, dude?”
“It’s almost time,” he says. “Josslyn came to check on you.”
Taking a deep breath, I lift my gaze from the paper. We’ve been standing just out of view from the guests for an hour now, behind some rose hedges. The botanical gardens look beautiful today.
Everything’s so lush and green after the first rain of spring—which was last night and not this morning, thank fuck.
A couple hundred of our closest friends, family, and Jack’s business contacts who absolutely had to be here, are all just beyond the hedges waiting for this shindig to start.
“She’s late,” Jack informs me. “Shouldn’t we do something?”
The guests aren’t the only people waiting for this to start.
“Like what?’ I crook an eyebrow. We can’t start without her. “She’s still getting ready, so what?”
“It’s been a while, Jason,” he says.
Greta’s limo was supposed to arrive two hours ago. She still isn’t here. I scrub my face. The notecards I’m holding scratch me up a little, but I’m beyond fucks to give. But what if something happened to her?
“Where is the bridal party?”
“They are in the bridal suite,” Jason informs me.
My back tenses. What if something really happened to her?
A car accident. Maybe she went to sleep last night and never woke up. I run through all the scenarios that would keep her away from us, but everything is just stupid.
We texted each other earlier. I look at my phone again. There they are, our last messages.
Jason: I can’t wait to spend to spend the rest of our lives together.
Jason: Today is the day we begin our future.
Greta: It’s a good day to start again.
She’s just as excited as I am. Nothing happened to her. She’s not here because… I check the time. It’s ten thirty. The ceremony doesn’t start until eleven. What if she decided to get ready at home?
Greta does everything at her own accord.
“Dude, just—wait like a goddamn adult,” I finally snap.
Jack furrows his brow, then shrugs. “So, you’re not worried?”
“Of course, I am,” I whisper. “But it’s our wedding day. She can have some time if she needs it. This is a big fucking deal.”
I couldn’t wait for the day to call her my wife, but I would wait a million years if I could finally call her mine. Except you can’t force anyone to be yours.
My heart lurches when it’s thirty past noon and Josslyn approaches me to say, “They have to get the place ready for the next ceremony.”
“What if she comes?”
She hands me an envelope, “The limo just arrived. The driver had this for you.”
The pain lassos my chest, yanking it tighter. I’m unable to breathe. All I’ve done since the moment I met this woman is love her. What else did she need from me? Under the gazebo decorated with blue flowers, I drop to the floor defeated.
I prepared for everything, except this.
She’s not coming. I never knew hurt until my heart broke into a million pieces. My insides were being excavated, prowled, and removed from within as the minutes passed. Mom whispers a few words. Dad seconds them with some others.
Jack squats, patting my shoulder and mumbling more nonsense.
I shake my head. Mom and Dad walk away after they assure me that everything will be fine. They are here to support me. As if it’s that easy. We had plans, a future.
“Do you want me to call off the wedding?” Jack announces.
I snort showing him the envelope. “Sorry, dude. I think she called dibs on that part.”
Taking a deep breath, I find a smidge of strength. I get up in front of a few hundred people who are all staring at me with pitying frowns.
“Thank you for taking some time in your lives to share this day with us.” I use part of the speech I planned on saying during the reception.
“Unfortunately, there’s a change of plans. But don’t go just yet. There’s a ballroom with our name and lots of food waiting for you guys. It’s already been paid for, and we want to thank you for making it out here so, please enjoy,” I say with the most normal sounding voice I can fucking muster.
Since instead of presents, we asked for them to donate to the animal shelter where Greta worked, we won’t be able to return any of the gifts. But at least they get a sweet write off during tax season.
A couple of hours later, I head to the ballroom. Everyone seems to have fun at the reception. It’s still gorgeous. Greta’s family comes up to apologize at one point, but I wave them off. It’s not like they knew.
Even if they had, they couldn’t have stopped her. Neither would I have wanted them to.
The longer the night trudges on, the more everything falls into place in my fucking head. How evasive she was about planning the wedding and the honeymoon. How aggravated she got the closer we got to the wedding.
For fuck’s sake, I chide myself. Crying at the engagement party, and at random points in the middle of the night every so often thereafter. Those were the signs.
That fucking text. She was starting her new life, today. I wasn’t part of the plan.
But why wasn’t she honest from the beginning? I tried talking to her about it. Confronting her. At some point I got so fucking tired of being pushed away and told “everything is fine.”
What else could I do but believe her? I begged and I pleaded.
She didn’t want to get married. Message finally received.
I wonder if she ever wanted to get married. If the problem was us getting married or if our ship had sailed but no one had bothered to send me the memo. I guess that’s what I get for proposing in front of all her family.
Fuck, I’m a dick.
Sometime later, Josslyn pulls me into a secluded hallway behind the kitchen of the reception venue.
“I tracked her down,” she says.
“How?”
“I have my ways,” she says neutrally. “She just landed in JFK. She had a one-way ticket to New York.”
One way. “She’s not coming back.”
Ever, goes unsaid.
“I bet she got that internship she mentioned at the beginning of this school year,” I say out loud. All the pieces are coming together. “We could’ve gone together.
“What a fucking moron,” I exclaim, this time with anger.
“Was she ever going to show up?” I think out loud. “At least she could’ve had the guts to tell me to my face that I wasn’t part of her future.”
I pull out the envelope Jossie handed me earlier. It has my name scrawled in Greta’s chicken-scratch handwriting.
Jason,
You’re a great guy.
I snort at how she started the fucking letter. Really? You’re a great guy? She’s studying fucking law. I expected something fancier and more legitimate from her.
I’m just a fucking good guy. The most stupid asshole in the history of human kind.
Please forgive me. I’m not very good at this sort of thing. But please know that right now, my heart is breaking for us. We were good together. I remember that we were happy, but I’m a firm believer that happiness can only hold you together for so long.
As the days passed, our time together became stifling. My plans of going to New York were stopped by your eagerness to do it just right. This isn’t about you, Jason. It’s about me and what I want for my future.
I can’t do this.
I can’t be your wife.
There’s so much more for me than staying with you for the rest of my life. I know what you want, a house like your parents’ with just as many children, but what about me?
I’ve worked hard to have a career. This is my time. I have to grow and reach for my dreams. Every person has their own destiny, and mine isn’t here.
Not with you.
Not with a husband, a minivan, and a bunch of children.
I hope one day you understand me. Thanks for your years of kindness and support.
All my love,
Greta
I take a shuddering breath. “Fuck.”
This hallway is too fucking narrow and hot. My suit is like a boa constrictor. Something gets caught in my throat. I keep reading this one line over and over and again.
Every person has their own destiny, and mine isn’t here.
Not with you.
Had any of this mattered to her? Did any of this matter?
Did she ever love me?
“Jason, listen to me,” Josslyn says somewhere above me. “Take a deep breath and hold it for five seconds.”
I follow her instruction, or try to at least. She puts a hand on the back of my shoulder and rubs circles into it. Breathing gets a little easier.
“You’re going to be alright,” she says. “It hurts now, but in the long run—”
“She saved us both a lot of pain later on,” I say numbly. “Yeah, that’s good.”
“And because you’re a good man who cares very deeply about things,” she continues.
But I wave my hand to stop her. “I think I’m just a jackass,” I conclude. “Who bulldozed his way into a wedding no one wanted? I pushed her too far.”
Josslyn clears her throat. “You can’t know that without talking to her. However, I’ve seen thousands of couples get married, and at the risk of sounding unprofessional, this is only the second time I’ve seen a fiancé so invested in their partner’s happiness and fulfillment as you.”
I snort.
“No, I’m serious,” she insists. “There’s a difference between being misguided but well intentioned and being a, quote, jackass.”
She squeezes my shoulder. “Listen to me. You’re not a jackass, Jason Spearman.”
I nod, not really caring if she’s just bullshitting me right now. I wouldn’t blame her if she was. I’m a fucking mess and I still need to give her the last ten percent of her pay.
“If you ask Jack for the last check, he’ll give it to you and bill me later,” I say, not taking my eyes off the brick wall across from me. “You know, in case you wanted to get out of here already.”
Surprisingly, she squeezes my hand. “You’re not very good at having friends, are you?”
“Are we friends?”
“Can you afford to hire me?”
I laugh, lean on the wall, and lower myself until I’m sitting down. “No, you’re like... three years out of my budget.”
Josslyn sits down next to me. “Then I guess you’ll have to settle for friendship.”
“Okay,” I say, putting my head on her shoulder.
She wraps an arm around my shoulder and honestly? It’s nice. There’s something wet in my eyes that’s probably sweat. I didn’t know how much I needed a hug right about now until this friend offered me one.
“Hey, Jossie?” I say eventually.
“Yes, dear,” she says.
“What the fuck do I do now?”
She shrugs.
Yeah, that sounds about right. But I make a vow, because that’s why I busted my ass for the past year. To make a commitment. If not to Greta, at least to myself.
I won’t allow anyone to hold me down again. No matter what, I’ll look after myself and never get attached because I arrived into this world alone and that’s exactly how I’ll leave it.