Chapter 21
JUNE
Sterling stands so close to me. His scent is fresh, sandalwood with a tone of citrus. The man who helps me fall asleep and not think about anything but him. He helps the anxiety go away.
I’m tempted to put my arms around his neck. I wish I could ask him to quiet my mind from the noise going on. To be as happy as I am because we’re having a baby.
Two babies!
Instead, I remain still.
“June, stay with me. Your mind is already running a million miles per hour,” he says.
It impresses me how he knows those small details about me. I like it but I want to hate it. For some reason, he makes me just want to relax and let him take charge of us. But I can’t possibly delegate such an important matter.
This isn’t a Christmas fantasy anymore. It’s a Christmas miracle and is so precious I need to take care of it like a crystal heart.
“You don’t mean it,” I answer. “You said it, no bullshit allowed. I respect your parental rights. We’ll come up with an arrangement that will benefit them above everything.”
He snorts. “I get it. You can’t take a chance on an irresponsible, unreliable, and negligent man. What if I offer to change for them … for you?”
My heart shrinks because he doesn’t see himself the way I see him.
“Why do you think you’re all those things?
” I frown. “You have nothing but ugly words to describe yourself sometimes and other times your ego doesn’t fit in the penthouse.
You’re reliable and dedicated. Look what you’ve created for yourself.
The life you’ve built. Your art is everywhere, and you own a business. ”
“It’s my father’s. I just help my brother.”
“Don’t belittle what you do,” I say, upset. “Are the properties your father’s too?”
He shakes his head. “I buy houses, flip them, and either sell them or rent them. It’s fun to destroy walls and then rebuild. Most of the earnings go to charity though.”
I cup his cheek and ask, “Who hurt you, Sterling?”
“No one,” he says quite forcefully. “Give me a chance to …”
“To what, Sterling? I don’t think we’re in a place to offer each other anything but a friendship. We barely know each other, and we just can’t do whatever we want when there’s a child involved.”
“Two,” he corrects me and grins smugly.
“Let’s start from the beginning,” he says with a gentle voice. “But not here. Pack your things, we’re going to Steamboat.”
The last thing I want is to get in a car with him. Especially when the news hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m tired. No, exhausted and hungry.
“I have to go out for a little while. You got my number if you need me. Pack, take a nap.” He takes me into his arms and whispers, “It’s going to be okay. Don’t think too hard. It’s only day one. Enjoy it. Congratulations, you’re going to be a mom.”
He kisses the top of my head and holds me for a couple of extra minutes. What does he mean by let’s start from the beginning? And how can I stay away from him when all I want is more? As if I hadn’t cried enough, the hot pressure behind my eyes builds up once again.
Sterling helps me settle into the bed and lies right beside me. I inch closer and close my eyes.
“Give me an hour, I have to tie up a few loose ends before we leave.”
I slept far more heavily than I intended to because when I wake up, the room is almost dark.
“Hey,” Sterling says, he’s inside the walk-in closet fixing his bag. “I was about to wake you up.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost five,” he offers. “Winter isn’t my favorite season. It gets dark before dinnertime.”
I try to smile and that’s when I realize he’s right. There’s a wall between us. Before today it was easy to trust him because I had nothing to lose and now, I’m not sure about many things.
We can’t just jump into some relationship. We have to win each other’s trust. Just because he’s seen me naked, doesn’t mean we have the kind of intimacy that couples or even friends have after years of friendship.
Sterling turns on one of the lamps. The light’s dim, but I can see his soft green eyes looking down at me. My stomach clenches for a second as I imagine he’s going to lower himself and kiss me.
“We have to leave,” he murmurs and grins. “We’re not running away but we’re ditching the security team.”
“Why do you have them?”
“The fans can get crazy,” he answers. “Let’s get some of your stuff packed.”
“Thank you, I … sorry for the way I reacted.”
He shakes his head, looking amused. “Sometimes, June, it’s good to know that I’m so good at shit I can make the impossible happen. My ego and I are pleased with the results. We have some kind of superpower.”
A grin rises to my lips. “Of course, you are pleased.”
He extends a hand to help me from the bed. I hesitate for a second because what I really want is to pull him over to me. My attraction for him hasn’t decreased. In fact, I think it has intensified.
“Lead the way, superhero.”
My parents always drove us to the mountains every weekend to ski during the winter and part of spring. That’s how Alex, my brother, fell in love with snowboarding and extreme sports. It’s how I became his PR manager too.
Mom tried to find someone who’d represent him. His agent is okay, but he needed someone to care for his image. The person they hired was good but once I went to college and learned how to do it right, I took over his career and started signing other athletes, actors and … the rest is history.
I just wanted someone to look after him the way Mom always wanted to.
She insisted no one worked for his benefit, just for their percentage.
Mom always said no one would be good enough because they always looked after number one.
I did a good job even after he retired, I still make sure he’s well represented.
After I sell my business, I’m taking him with me. No one touches Alex’s career but me.
Mom says he’s my favorite because I can boss him around. At least, he allows it. I love Jason and Jack too but they’re a pain in the ass.
“I like Alex,” Sterling says. We’re by the deck and just chatting. “He was good. I actually know his brothers too. Well, your brothers.”
“You do?” I frown.
He nods and points to the house next door. “Have you ever come with them to Steamboat?”
I lean forward and it clicks. The house next door is Jackson’s.
I didn’t recognize it. In my defense, it’s dark and all the driveways look a lot alike.
Plus, I never drive up here. It’s either Jackson or Jason who are at the wheel and I’m always too busy answering emails or preparing a news release to pay attention to the road.
“So, you know them,” I conclude.
“You can say that,” he says casually, and I think this is more than I know them.
He’s maybe a year or two older than Jackson. Jason is right behind them. I bet he partied with them. I could give him a hard time about it just because he’s trying to hide it, but I won’t.
“They’re not going to be happy about this,” I inform him.
“Tell me more about you.” He brushes away what I just said.
“Have you ever had a serious relationship?” I ask because we’ve been talking a lot about me lately and I don’t think we’ve covered anything about him.
“Serious? Nah, I don’t go beyond a night with a woman—maybe a weekend.”
“Ha, guys like you are made, not born. You remind me a little of my brothers.”
“That concerns me, in what way?”
“”I’ll never be in a serious relationship, they’re not for me,” they always say,” I answer. “And do you know why? Because something happened that changed your life and scarred your heart.”
“You believe that?”
“Of course.” I nod and go on a tangent about my brothers.
When Jason was twenty-five, he was left at the altar by a bitch who couldn’t even say no when he proposed. She made him organize the wedding and then ran away. Then there’s Jackson’s ex-wife. The bitch used him and stole from him.
Don’t get me started with Alex. He’s had not one, but three relationships that he swears weren’t important, but they broke his heart.
The last one, Charlotte, did a number on him.
She broke up with him after the car accident where the doctor said—he might not walk again.
He’s walking again but needless to say, his career ended that night.
At least Jason and Jackson have found love and their hearts thawed. What about Sterling?
“Fess up,” I say after I finish my rant.
“You hate them,” he concludes.
“They were bitches with my guys,” I respond. “The point is that after what they did, my brothers became playboys but deep down, they’re close to Prince Charming. Something happened to you that made you believe love isn’t worth it. What was it?”
He shakes his head and leans his head back resting it on the chair while admiring the stars. If it wasn’t for the fire and the blanket covering us, I’d be inside reading a book. But he made this so comfortable I want to stay here. Such a shame we can’t have a glass of wine.
“Kara,” he says. “She was my best friend while growing up and dating her just happened. I thought we wanted the same things. During senior year of high school, she came to me saying, ‘I’m pregnant.’”
He laughs. “Then, she said she wouldn’t keep it.”
“Why not?”
“She couldn’t have my kid. I was irresponsible, unreliable, and if it wasn’t for my parents’ money, I’d have nothing.
That once we graduated, we were over. We wanted different things.
I researched what I could do. She couldn’t just give the kid up for adoption without my permission.
So, I tried to talk to my parents. They had the resources and money to get custody of the kid.
They said that I was too irresponsible to keep a fish alive. ”
“Did you kill a fish?”
He rolls his eyes. “I was six.”
“What happened to the baby?”
“It was a false alarm, she wasn’t pregnant but needless to say, we broke up after that and that was it between us.”
“Your parents?”
“Never thought much of me. They died hoping I’d mature and become them.”
I nod, well that explains a lot. Does he love himself? I lean my head on his shoulder. “I trust you with our babies and I’m sure you won’t become your parents.”
Giving him a shy smile, I add, “But we can become mine. They’re awesome.”
We fall into a comfortable silence. It’s just us and the night until he asks, “Who was your first love?”
“Even though I’m a serial monogamist, I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love.”
“First boyfriend?”
“Dan, I was almost sixteen. It was during the summer. He was cute, and we always did things together. I remember him fondly. His family moved to Seattle after junior year.”
“First loves are different from the love of your life,” he says. “I loved Kara; she wasn’t the love of my life.”
I whistle as I sigh. “Well, then how do you know?”
“When it happens, it’ll catch you off guard.
Change your entire life. It’ll be a soul deep connection and you’ll need each other like you need air to breathe.
Maybe when you find love the stars shine brighter and everything that used to be dull has a new light.
She’ll be your favorite feeling, even when you can’t understand it.
The best place you’ve ever been in and the one you want to stay in forever. ”
“Sounds like you’re talking from experience,” I say, my heart squeezing, not sure if it’s envy or something else.
Not that I’m jealous of the woman who captivated his heart.
“Still figuring things out,” he mumbles and kisses the top of my head. “We should start buying baby books. I don’t want to suck at being a dad.”
I close my eyes, resting my hands on my belly and for the first time today, I just enjoy the moment and forget about the future. Tomorrow everything will look different.