Chapter 36
JUNE
I savor the days that lead into Christmas, everything seems normal.
By normal I mean, morning sickness, meetings with potential buyers and current clients.
So much for I’m taking the month of December off.
Fortunately, at night when the door of my bedroom closes, I have Sterling to make everything worth it.
Spending every available moment we have is our number one priority. He’s getting ready for next year’s exhibition. We’re going to Paris and staying there for a month. I’m beyond excited. This is the first time I’ll travel with the guy I’m dating. Not that we have a relationship status, yet.
It doesn’t matter. I never thought I’d become so familiar with someone so quickly. We’ve learned each other’s expressions, meals, words … He might be easygoing but I’ve learned he has a big temper and knows how to keep it under control. He’s a tease and likes to experiment in bed. We both do.
He’s also sweet. So sweet he’s tried to make this Christmas special, if not the best for both of us.
Jeannette arrives later today. She convinced Teagan to spend Christmas Eve with us and Christmas day with her parents.
Sterling is paying for the trips. I think he likes me.
I’m getting used to the domestic life we’re settling into.
We haven’t talked about the future but I want to talk about it now.
My parents are with Jackson today. Dad’s playing Santa. Not that Caroline and Marianne will understand it, but I can’t wait to see the pictures from the photo shoot.
I’m in the living room waiting for Sterling to finish his conversation with Beck. Apparently, someone is looking for him and whoever it is needs some kind of clearance to speak with Sterling or it’s a business that needs his attention. I didn’t understand the code well.
Until now, I had no idea they had codes. I hug myself tight because what if there’s a stalker or—
No, don’t let your imagination or yesterday’s bad thriller get the best of you.
Maybe think about how you’re going to surprise Sterling with his present. Mom helped me make it. What can you give a guy who has everything? I wonder if he’s going to like the onesies and his matching T-shirt. Just then he saunters into the room, red face, flaring nostrils, and papers in hand.
“What in the fucking hell, Juniper?” he yells, slamming a manila envelope on the table. All the papers he is holding fall to the floor. “At least have the fucking courage to tell me this in person.”
I frown and pick up one of the pages on the floor.
It’s a memo, from my lawyer and … I cover my mouth.
Did I forget to call him? I close my eyes momentarily trying to remember what happened.
I exchanged emails with my lawyer and cleaned the kitchen.
Then Sterling barged in the house, we talked, had sex …
My brain stops working when Sterling sexes me up and leaves me in a daze of desire.
“Sterling, let me explain,” I say.
“You and these children have become the axis on which my entire world spins and what do you do … on Christmas Eve?” He laughs and the sound is empty, angry.
“Merry Fucking Christmas, Sterling Ahern. This is what I think about handing me your heart.” He rakes his hair.
“For once in my life I let myself enjoy the near-magical quality of the holidays. It’s all a trick. Nothing was real.”
“Sterling—”
He dusts his hands. “Look, you don’t want to be with me, I get it.
It fucking hurts but I won’t force you to it.
You played along and got a good fuck while it was fun.
I should’ve seen it when you were spending so much time trying to figure out your future and pushing away your hiatus. You made a decision.”
My eyes sting, he’s hurting so much, and I am the one who hurt him. How am I going to fix it? It feels as if he has built a wall of steel between us and I’ve lost him. This can’t be happening. Not today—or ever.
“It’s not what you think,” I say, but he’s not listening.
“I’m not stupid. My reading level is high enough to understand what those papers mean and what you’re trying to accomplish.
I might spend my entire day creating art but I can run a company, Juniper.
I guess you don’t get how much power I have, but I’ll be happy to show you.
I scanned the papers and sent them to my lawyer.
You’ll receive a counter in a few days.”
He turns around and leaves me standing still.
Sterling’s standing in the shower, hands flat on the tile wall. His head bent, the water washing him down. He’s pissed off at me. I’m not sure of what I have to say and what I bring will be enough to earn his trust.
Old me would just turn around and leave, back to San Francisco where nothing touches me, feelings don’t happen, and I have built a life that’s safe.
But I don’t want any of that, I want us.
“The day after we came back from Steamboat, when you didn’t come to dinner. That’s when I emailed my lawyer. I forgot all about it until … now.”
“We have nothing to talk about, June,” he says with a warning.
He glares at me, jaw clenched, water running down his body.
“If you’re trying to talk to me so I don’t take the children away from you, I won’t.
I’m just going to make sure I have daily access to them.
This will be their house. We’ll share custody. ”
“Hear me out, you can believe me or not. You said it once. We talk everything out, no bullshit. It was a mistake,” I confess, hating to admit that I make more mistakes than everyone else around me. I just know how to cover them up well.
“You don’t make mistakes, June,” he says sharply and turns around facing the wall. “Leave.”
I step into the shower. The water slips into my clothes. My face is soaked, washing away the tears that are finally rolling down my cheeks.
“Why do you think I have a routine and I write everything down? To avoid mistakes and surprises. Still, they happen more often than you can imagine. I cover them well. I’m an expert.
Only Jeannette and Hannah know how much I fuck up, but I hate being less than perfect.
I only let people see my success. So yeah, I screw up more often than many. ”
He finally turns around, lifts my chin, and looks into my eyes. “Why did you do it?”
“I was just trying to get ahead of the game because I thought you were done with me and … I kept telling myself this was to protect them, but I was protecting my heart because I was already falling in love with you. Never in my life had I ever felt so alive that I could finally be myself. If you signed the papers, I wouldn’t have to hear my heart shattering every time you rejected me.
“We talked the next morning, and you confused me in so many ways. But you said you were mine. That meant everything to me. I just had no idea how to keep you and not crowd you. Someone like you wouldn’t want to be trapped.
So, I’ve been too busy thinking about us and learning how to make a life with you.
Trying to enjoy the moment and not focus on every single detail that used to dictate my life. ”
I laugh and cry harder because I don’t know what else to say to make him stay.
“You make me feel things I have never felt before. Not only love, but a feeling of belonging—to you. Even when you’re handsome and have wild bedroom eyes and an old soul that stirs everything inside me, I love that you’re spontaneous, thoughtful, and caring.”
“You love me,” he whispers.
“Of course, it’s easy to fall in love with you,” I mumble. “You’re so intense… and who wouldn’t fall for you, Sterling? Hear me out, I would never take the babies away from you, even when what you feel for me disappears someday.”
“Never,” he says, kissing my temple and embracing me.
“You’re the big love that I never expected.
The blizzard brought you to me. You’re a fucking storm with high winds, destroying my walls.
You heat my cold heart and slowly have molded me into someone new.
If you ever leave me, I’ll be an incomplete piece of clay.
Finish me, make me the man you deserve by just being with me. ”