Chapter 7
HANNAH
While driving myself into a sugar coma, I work on my next article. Stupid Alexander Spearman and his ego be damned. He’s not going to divert me from my goals. His perfect, sculpted body is the last thing I need in my life. Did I want him to kiss me tonight?
Maybe.
There’s something about his intoxicating kisses that makes everything around me disappear.
The touch of his lips changes my entire world.
He transports us to a place where nothing and no one else exists.
A place that’s close to hell but feels like paradise.
A place where I’ll never be again because it’s over. Although…I will always remember two things about him: our first kiss and the way he holds me after we fuck. And that’s precisely why it’s over.
He’s perfect in so many ways, and I hate that he makes me feel special when he’s around. Because when he leaves, we’re spiteful to each other.
It’s over, I repeat to myself. Just sit down, bleed words, and forget him.
Maybe I should write about him leaving. About me never wanting him.
Owning a magazine is liberating; I can publish anything I want, and no one shuts me down. Except for my partner-in-crime, Ethan. As I sit on my desk, my sister, Tess, texts me.
Tess: How was your first day?
Instead of spending the next two hours texting back and forth, I call her.
“Hey, you,” she answers. “How’s life as a freshman?”
“Ugh, Dad told you?” I close my eyes, because I’m sure everyone at home is laughing at me.
I tell her about my version of today. Knowing Dad, he expanded upon my tale with some funny material. As if everyone needed to laugh even harder. This time, I include my encounter with Alex. She’s one of the few who I confide in about him.
Tess listens to every detail without interruption. From the liquor store to kicking him out because what’s the point of…?
“It’s over then,” she says.
“There’s never been anything between us,” I remind her.
She laughs. “Oh, there’s plenty. You’re just in denial,” she corrects me, and I’m not a fan of her statement. Deep down, I know she’s, somehow, right.
You’re still in denial, Hannah.
“Maybe you should start working on your issues,” she states.
I grunt. Seriously, she has to bring up my problems in a time like this? “How’re your little issues doing?”
“Don’t call your niece and nephews issues,” she protests. “They’re doing well. Gage’s going on tour, we’re going with him. You should join us for a few legs of the tour. It would be good to spend some time with you.”
I smile when I listen to her swoony voice.
She even makes me want to have what she has with Gage.
But my life is complete. Well…almost. I look at my corkboard, which holds my story in images.
Pictures of my family and my second family, The Sinners of Seattle.
Those guys and I took care of each other.
We still do. There’re a few from the days when I was dark, sad, and twisty.
“Hannah, it’s been ten years,” Tess says, after a long pause.
“Almost nine,” I correct her. “Hey, everyone heals at their own pace.”
“Are you even trying? It’s time to come home.”
Well, they’re pressing hard. Even Tess is pushing buttons she didn’t use to push. “Chris Decker offered to use his connections to get me a job at his alma mater.”
“I also heard that you shut Dad down.”
“This is my home. Maybe it’s time for you guys to accept it. To accept me.”
I change the subject. She loves talking about her turtle sanctuary and her kids, so I distract her with those, shifting her focus away from my problems.
Will they ever understand me?
To: Ethan
From: Hannah
Subject: Next editorial’s draft.
Eth:
What do you think about this idea?
Live Your Own Life
Is it time to move on?
I want to write about the day he left. The day I pushed him away. The day I finally let go. I want to tell you all about the shit I shouldn’t feel.
The pain he left behind. What I did was supposed to be an act of courage. I claimed my freedom from the prison of emotions he evoked. But in truth, you can’t let go of something you never had.
Are you sticking to your New Year’s resolutions?
By Hannah Bell
The first chapter of the year is almost over. Did you take the challenge and make a list of resolutions?
As you know, I only have one resolution. In my opinion, it’s easier to change your habits if you take it one step at a time. Consistency is key.
So far, I’m still keeping it and adding a new one. It takes twenty-one days to acquire a new habit. I think it’s safe to say I’m keeping this one. And, as I said in my New Year’s editorial, if I follow through, I’ll add one next month.
In modern days, February is all about love.
In ancient Rome, it was called Februarius.
They considered it the Month of Purification.
It’s a transitional month. Maybe this is a good month to transition (not sure what I’d transition).
It could be the month when I start falling in love with myself all over again.
You know what they say—your first love should always be yourself.
Please send your suggestions for a great February resolution. Who knows? Maybe I’ll pick yours.
Until Next Time,
H
It’s just the beginning, we can tweak it. I can also switch it for something more zen and balanced without a call of action.
To: Hannah
From: Ethan
Subject (Re): Next editorial’s draft
Who are we leaving? Are you finally moving on, or are we just writing someone else’s love life?
Are you still keeping up with your New Year’s resolution?
I’m assuming Golden Boy hasn’t knocked on your door lately.
Live Your Own life sounds like a good article. Is something implied between the lines?
The editorial is weak. I need something stronger. It’s not the call of action, but the substance. We’re missing something, your spark. Wait, did you break up with Golden Boy? I told you that was a relationship.
What’s happening, Nana? I’m here for you.
Love,
Ethan
P.S. Hope the first day was good.
To: Ethan
From: Hannah
Subject: First day...
It was a long day.
If I work on the spark, do you think it’ll be a good article? Dad found a way to move me back to Seattle. Tess asked me to move on. It’s like they can’t understand this is my life.
Stop calling Alex, Golden Boy, and no, we didn’t break up. To break up, you need to be in a relationship!
Love,
Hannah
P.S. Have you moved on?
To: Hannah
From: Ethan
Subject: Whoa…what happened to the pact?
Those days happened, we know it, we don’t talk about any of it.
A wise woman once told me, live your own life, think of how you want it to be, and set your goals. In case you’re wondering, that’s you. It’s not about moving on but moving forward. Call me if you need to.
E
To: Ethan
From: Hannah
Subject: Call you…
Your fiancée hates me. I hope she knows I sign half of her paycheck. Well, you know what I mean. I’m her boss, too. The guys don’t like her much, I trust you, but…I won’t say anything because it’s your life. Just remember, nothing and no one gets between the Sinners of Seattle.
Love,
H