25. For Noah
Chapter 25
For Noah
L oneliness is a crushing thing. A boulder that sits heavily on your chest as a constant reminder that no one cares about you.
The only thing cracking at that boulder is Noah. Noah and his caring touches, his soothing laughter, his electric current. The way he truly cares about me and my well-being. Even if he has literally no idea what I am and what’s hunting me.
It’s awful that I haven’t told him. It’s just another weight on my chest, but every time he looks at me with those big, trusting brown-black eyes with his bushy eyebrows furrowed in concern, I just can’t do it.
“What’s going on, baby? You’ve barely touched your cheesecake,” he says, brushing a hair off my forehead and tucking it behind my ear.
We’re snuggled up on the hand-me-down couch at his apartment. It’s my second time here and I’m still getting used to it. It’s very...man? I don’t know. He lives with Benji and Jason, and it’s obvious. Where a dining table should sit there’s a giant pool table, and the kitchen is covered in takeout boxes and red cups. The place is clean—which I suspect is purely Noah’s doing—but has that bachelor feel that has me searching for hand sanitizer.
I shake my head. “I’m just distracted. Family drama.”
“You don’t talk much about your family. A little about Laura and a little about your Grandma, but nothing else. You know I’m here for you, right?”
Twist the knife a little deeper there, Noah. I think there’s still some depths you haven’t reached.
“I don’t even know how to explain it all.” I sigh, burying my face into the soft skin of his neck. “I just like escaping with you to a place where I can forget all about it for a while.”
“Whatever you need.” His voice is muffled by my hair.
“What about your family? Do your mom and dad still live around here?”
His shoulders droop. “After Sam they couldn’t really handle being here anymore. They packed up and moved south. They come up and visit during the holidays, or I’ll go there, but it was just too tough for them.”
“But not for you?” I press a kiss to his cheek, reassuring him that I’m here.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I like seeing little pieces of him in the world around me.”
The door bangs open as Benji and Jason stumble in with arms full of groceries. And by groceries, I mean energy drinks and pizza pockets. Typical bachelor food.
Benji is the taller of the two, lean but not lanky like Noah. His hair has the same tousled quality as Noah’s, but is less curly. Just messy and brown. His eyes are a lighter brown than Noah’s, more golden. Jason is the short king of the group. Not actually a short guy, but short in comparison and stocky as hell. His coarse hair is buzzed down so it’s barely there. His bright brown eyes light up as he notices me wrapped around Noah.
“Look what we walked in on!” Jason says, slamming the bags on the kitchen counter. The sound reverberates through the apartment, and I instinctively try to make myself smaller. I can’t stand loud noises since...Since Botis.
Noah, as if he can sense it, pulls me fully into his lap. His long fingers tangle in my hair and rub my scalp until I almost purr like a cat.
“Stop acting like you walked in on something dirty or she’ll never come back, idiot.” Benji slams into Jason’s shoulder as he puts his own bags on the counter.
Jason laughs, a boisterous thing that’s almost contagious. Almost. “You’re just hoping Hazel will somehow convince her sister to call you.”
“If she hasn’t called yet, she’s not going to.” The words fall out of my mouth without any approval from me. Stupid scalp massage has me too relaxed.
Jason dissolves into giggles, hands on his sides. “I like her.”
“I didn’t mean to.” I gaze up at Noah and breathe a sigh of relief at the chin-dimple grin on his face.
“Don’t worry.” He chuckles. “Benji needs the tough love. He’s a little hung up.”
“Can everyone stop talking about me like I’m not standing right here? Jesus fuck.” He sighs dramatically, but winks at me all the same.
They act like brothers, the three of them. And it doesn’t make me miss Laura at all.
Nope.
Doesn’t make me long for a family dynamic like this one, either. Absolutely not at all.
“If you weren’t standing right there, I’d be able to put this shit in the fridge. Can you fucking move?” This time Jason bumps into Benji. Personal space doesn’t seem to be a concern in this group. It’s oddly endearing.
Noah’s lips tickle at the sensitive skin of my ear. “Do you want to head to my room?”
I nod. He stands and leads me toward his bedroom. The hallway is lined with photos of the three of them and their families. For a bachelor pad, it’s a breath of sentimental fresh air. And probably all Noah.
Noah’s room itself is practically a different universe. Where the rest of the house is bachelor city, Noah’s room is calm and practical. A bed, a desk for writing, a closet, a bathroom, a bookshelf full of books, and a separate bookshelf full of Warhammer minis. Nothing fancy or frilly, just practical pieces that nod to his put-together personality. I can see how easy it would be to live with him. He would be in charge of the practical and sentimental side, while I would add the homey touches like fuzzy blankets.
I love my fuzzy blankets.
Without a word we lie together on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Noah?”
“Mm?”
“Do you believe in soulmates?” I blame the scalp massage for my candor.
He turns to appraise me, his eyes trailing my face and searching for something. “Why do you ask?”
“Curiosity?”
His gaze goes back to the ceiling, his fingers trailing along my arm where it’s wrapped around me. “I don’t know. Sometimes I do. I like believing that there’s someone out there for everyone, someone who could really understand you like no other. But other times I think about how sad that could be.”
“Sad?” My hand falls on his stubbly cheek, turning him back to me. “How is that sad?”
“What about the people who never find their soulmate? Whether that be because of distance, bad luck, or death. I think about my brother. About Sam’s soulmate.” His voice wavers. “What do they do now that he’s gone? Are they doomed to have a love that’s less because my brother couldn’t see a future in which he was happy or loved?”
This man. This beautiful, kind, heartbreaking man. If it were up to me, he’d never feel this kind of pain again. I’d take it from him if I could.
I drag his hand to my chest, pressing it right over my beating heart. “I’m here. And I’m never leaving you.”
His smile is tearful as he rolls so we’re facing each other. He presses his forehead against mine and closes his eyes.
He keeps his hand on my chest, feeling my heartbeat.
I have to do everything I can to keep it beating for him. He can’t lose me, not after losing his brother. If for no other reason than this, I have to stay alive.
For Noah.