26. Sloane
Sloane
“Well, this is the definition of bliss, isn’t it?” I sigh happily as I take in the scene around me.
My spa day with Em and Chloe has finally come around and I couldn’t be happier. We’re propped up on sun loungers in a room that’s reminiscent of a Roman colosseum. There are fairy lights in the ceiling; sun filters in through the windows that wrap the circular space. All in all, I’m in paradise.
“Heaven on Earth,” says Em, echoing my thoughts.
“And no small children,” adds Chloe with a grin. Chloe’s got three kids – including a set of feral twin boys – so she needs this spa day more than anyone. “It’s been ages, love. How are you?”
“Oh, you know, same old, same old,” I say, picking at a loose bit of skin by my nail.
“Well, not quite,” argues Emmy, the traitor. Chloe’s eyes widen, scenting gossip. “Sloane’s been seeing two gentlemen for a few weeks now.”
“Oh! This is exciting! Did you meet them on the app?” Chloe knows I used to meet couples on an app to guest-star in threesomes.
“No, I’ve binned off unicorning. Trying to date the old-fashioned way,” I say with a shrug.
“Babe, I hate to break it to you, but dating two guys at once isn’t the old-fashioned way,” Em chimes in.
“Actually, in some cultures and communities, polyamory is considered quite an ancient practice. Could be considered the most old-fashioned way of all,” I reply with a grin.
“Ok, well, regardless, I want to hear all about these boys.” Chloe leans in and waggles her eyebrows. “Are they all kinky like Luke and Em?”
“ Oi , I’m sitting right here,” argues Em, elbowing her. I laugh.
“Well, I did meet them at Salt, but they’re both fairly normal guys, really. Not found any crazy kinks yet… but the night is young.” I toss her a wink and she grins.
“Come on, babe, you’ve got to give me more than that. I’m living vicariously through you. Josh and I have to diarise sex around school runs and toddler rugby, so I’m begging you for something juicy.”
She gives me big pleading eyes and I relent.
“Alright, alright. So there’s Freddie – he’s a London boy, a cheeky charmer, very much golden retriever energy.
He and Luke used to work together. Then there’s Cole.
Cole’s a touch harder to read. He’s thoughtful, artistic, sensitive.
But my goodness, when you get him into bed – let’s just say he knows how to command a room. ”
Chloe bites her lip and Em raises her eyebrows.
“Freddie’s really funny, but he’s also very sweet.
He’s really successful but there’s this slightly naive enthusiasm about him, you know?
He’s a doll.” I pause as I realise I’m grinning.
I try and compose my face a bit more and clear my throat.
“Cole’s more of a worrier, that much I can tell.
And he cares so much about Freddie. It’s genuinely sweet to see them together. ”
“Well, this sounds very promising!” Chloe declares, rubbing her hands together. “And do they… you know…?”
“Do they what?” I raise a brow.
“Cross swords?” offers Em.
“Well, aside from the fact that that term isn’t very trans-inclusive – no, they do not cross swords. But never say never. Cole’s openly bi, and Freddie comes off as straight, but… I dunno, I do wonder if there’s something there.” I shrug again.
Chloe cocks her head. “So you’re all dating, then? As a throuple?”
“We’ve not really labelled it… But it’s not serious. In fact, it’s super casual.” I clear my throat, lest I sound like I’m trying to convince myself.
There’s a pause.
“Didn’t you quit unicorning so you could find something a bit more meaningful?” asks Em, frowning.
“Er, I guess? But you know, the odds of actually making a poly relationship work with two newbies in an intolerant society aren’t exactly high, are they?”
“Three newbies,” corrects Em, and I shift on my sun lounger. “You’ve done a lot of unicorning, but have you ever actually been in a poly relationship?”
I feel a stab of something, like I’ve just suffered a wound that I can’t see.
“Well, no, I guess not.”
“But you’ve said for a while that a poly relationship is what you want in the long run,” Em pushes.
“Yes, but?—”
“But you didn’t expect to actually find one,” she finishes for me.
For a moment, I just frown. I know I’ve done this to both Em and Chloe before. I’ve psychoanalysed them in the name of helping them see their own bullshit. And boy, it does not feel comfortable.
“ Practical Magic !” shouts Chloe suddenly, and several ladies nearby turn to glare at her. “You’re Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic . You wished for a relationship you didn’t think could ever exist so your heart wouldn’t be broken! And now they’re here and you’re freaking out!”
She looks triumphant for all of two seconds before she sees the look on my face.
“I’m not freaking out! And I’m not Sandy Bullock in Practical Magic . If anything, I’m Nicole Kidman! I’m footloose and fancy free, I can’t be tied down,” I argue, but it sounds hollow as fuck.
“Ok, so maybe you’re Nicole Kidman blended with Sandra Bullock,” says Chloe, frowning slightly.
“I think this analogy has run its course, babe,” Emmy interjects. “I think what we’re trying to say is that you seem happier with these two than I’ve seen you in a while. Just don’t get in your own way about it.”
“Yeah, babe, don’t run from a good thing before you know for sure what it is,” adds Chloe, sipping her orange juice.
“Girls, you’re getting carried away,” I snap. “I’ve been on like… a handful of dates with these two. No one is walking anyone up the aisle. We don’t all need to end up in uniform little relationships, ok?”
That shuts them both up, and I realise by the hurt on their faces that I’ve gone too far. But their words are echoing around my head and I’m having trouble blocking them out.
Did I create a relationship goal I didn’t think was truly achievable? I stopped unicorning for a reason, but am I any closer to knowing what I want? Would I even recognise it if I found it?
The thought unsettles me.
Have I pushed them away? I’ve held them at arm’s length, sure. But maybe I’m just not ready to be having sleepovers and braiding each other’s hair.
I blow out a breath and stand from the sun lounger.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick. I’m going for a swim to clear my head.”
They both nod, and Em gives me a weak smile, before I stride over to the pool and sink under the water. I stay below the surface until I’m sure I’ve got my shit under control.
Emmy went to Luke’s after the spa day, so I made my way home to Bermondsey on my own. We managed to get through the rest of the day without discussing the boys again, but I can’t help but feel I ruined it.
I sigh, kicking my shoes off and sinking into the couch. Despite the relaxation of the day, the muscles in my shoulders are all locked up.
I have been having a really good time with Freddie and Cole. But I know I keep running from them in the same heartbeat. I turn my psychologist’s eye inwards and try to ask myself the tough questions.
What am I afraid of?
I know one of my professors would start with my childhood and hello , welcome to page one in the guidebook to my issues. Absent father? Check . Emotionally distant mother? Check . Possible avoidant attachment style? Who can say?
I laugh – the story practically writes itself.
Of course, I’m an adult woman who’s seeking relationship frameworks outside of the usual heteronormative structures I’ve been taught to fear by my childhood exposure to failed relationships and unhappy parents.
And of course that’s left me with a deep and abiding fear of vulnerability that’s led to surface-level romantic relationships at best, and an unrelenting sense of loneliness at worst.
Gold fucking star for my dazzling self-awareness. Fully aware of my issues. Still absolutely no idea what the fuck to do about them.
But maybe for these two, I want to try.