54. Sloane
Sloane
The first thing I become aware of is the beep of a machine. It’s rhythmic and soothing, kind of like a heartbeat. I take a deep breath, frowning as I start to come back into my body and realise – holy shit – everything hurts. I wince as I swallow, my throat dry as the Sahara.
“Are you back with us, Sloane?” comes a soft voice I recognise but can’t place. I nod and then stop because ow . Nodding is a bad idea.
I squeeze my eyelids a few times and then crack one open. Carol Lane’s kind face is hovering above me, and above her are the kind of ugly ceiling tiles you only see in schools, dental surgeries, and … hospitals.
Shit . I’m in a hospital. And the beeping sounds like a heartbeat because it is a heartbeat. It’s my heartbeat, to be precise.
Carol holds a straw up to my lips and I take several long gulps of cool water, relief flooding my body. I manage to crack open the other eye and take a quick sweep of the room. Freddie and Cole are both asleep in chairs, all awkward angles for their big frames.
Tears spring to my eyes at the sight of them, and I blink rapidly to try and clear them. I fail, and several slide down my face as I bite my lip and try to control it.
“It’s ok, sweetheart, you can cry,” comes Carol’s voice. “They’re both ok. Worried out of their minds, but they’re ok. You’re the only one who got hurt.”
I nod again and then stop. Again. I manage several deep inhales as I stare at my boys. All I can think of is how much I love them and how much I need to tell them that. I need them to know that they’re everything to me. That my stupid, terrified heart is theirs for as long as they’ll have me.
The room is softly lit, so I surmise it must be evening.
“Do you remember what happened?” she says, barely above a whisper.
“Bike,” I manage to get out, and she nods.
“You went down pretty hard and were very confused when you woke up,” she says.
“It’s likely that you wouldn’t remember that now.
I’m not your nurse, but I’ve had a briefing from the team that’s been looking after you.
You’ve had a CT scan because they were worried you might have a bleed in your brain, but everything looks ok.
You’ll need a few days of rest, but you should make a full recovery. ”
I manage a weak smile. She puts a button into my hand.
“You can push this button to call the nurse assigned to you, if you need anything.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, then my lip trembles again.
“Oh, honey,” she says, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. “You’re going to be ok. They’re going to be ok. This is just one of those silly things. It was just an accident.”
Cole stirs in his sleep and we both glance over.
“I’ve never seen my boy so frantic,” she says, her gaze soft as she looks at Freddie. “He loves you very much.”
“I know,” I say, looking at him.
“He’s always had a huge heart, that boy. I wondered who would ever truly deserve to be given it. Now I realise it’s so big because it was made to be shared. He’s found love twice over. It all makes sense now.”
“He’s amazing. They both are.”
“Cole’s a quiet one,” she says, looking over at him. “He’s so serious sometimes. But he’s sensitive. And he’s giving. He’s been that way since he was a teenager.”
“He is,” I agree.
“And you, my girl, are a rare thing.”
I look up at her and she smiles down at me.
“I see the joy you’ve brought into their lives.
I see your heart, Sloane. You might keep it locked away and protected, but I see it.
It shines out of you. Some people can’t make their own light, so they try and stand in the way of others.
But you – you radiate it. Nothing can stop your light. No wonder they were drawn to you.”
I sniff, and she leans down and presses the lightest kiss to my forehead.
“I just wanted to tell you that before we wake them up.”
With that, she rises and places a hand on Freddie’s shoulder. He jerks awake, knocking into Cole, and they both look over at me, fear all over their faces.
“She’s ok,” Carol says to them both. “She’s back with us, no more confusion. She’s tired, and she’s sore, and she needs lots of little sips of water. But she’s ok. Be gentle with her. I’ll give you some space.”
Freddie pulls his mum into a hug as Cole comes over to the bed and sits down.
“You scared us, firecracker,” he says, his voice a bit hoarse.
“I’m sorry,” I reply, my eyes bouncing between his.
“No apologies. It was an accident.”
Freddie comes to sit on the other side of me and takes my hand. There are fresh tears in his eyes.
“You scared the living shit out of me, woman,” he says, and I laugh, which turns into a groan when I realise my ribs are bruised.
“What a cliché,” I say, giving him a lopsided smile. “Stupid American girl can’t remember which way to look when she crosses the road.”
He shakes his head, his smile faint.
“Do you want to play a game?” I ask, looking between them. They share mirrored expressions of surprise.
“Depends on the game,” says Cole.
“Two truths and a lie?” I say.
“Ok…” Freddie nods as they exchange a look. “You go first.”
“Ok.” I take a deep breath. “I used to be a champion figure skater when I was a child. I have a giant dildo that’s shaped like a dragon dick. And I’m in love with you. Both of you.”
I let it sit for a moment, closing my eyes.
“Well, I’m really hoping you’re shit at ice skating, I’m not going to lie,” comes Freddie’s voice.
“Fucking terrible at it,” I admit, opening my eyes as his face breaks into a smile.
“I know I told you in the worst way, at the worst time, but I’m in love with you too. Both of you.” Freddie looks between me and Cole, reaching out a hand for each of us.
We both look at Cole.
“I love you, Sloane. I’ve been desperate to tell you for weeks.
You’re our girl.” My heart soars as he looks at Freddie, eyes shining as his throat works.
“It’s always been you, Freddie. The crush I could never quite shake.
And now that you’re mine, I’m never letting you go. Both of you. This is it for me.”
I can’t help the tears that start to roll down my cheeks.
Cole leans over to wipe one away. “Hey now, don’t cry. We’re here. We’re all safe. And we’ll have many, many, opportunities to play with that dragon dildo in the years ahead.”
I laugh again, which turns into a yawn.
“Go to sleep, princess,” comes Freddie’s voice as my eyes drift closed. “We’re not leaving your side.”
I can still feel them both holding my hands as I drift to sleep with a smile on my face.
“Oh my God, she looks so tiny and vulnerable!” comes a feminine voice from near my head. “I can’t bear it.”
“She was hit by a bike, Chlo, of course she looks vulnerable.” My brain recognises Emmy’s voice as I try to ease myself into consciousness. “Oh, you’re awake!”
Several faces come into focus as I blink the sleepiness out of my eyes. Emmy, Jessie, and Chloe all stand around my bed, looking down at me.
“Can you lot maybe sit down or something?” I manage to get out as I struggle to sit up. “I feel like I’m at my own wake.”
“Hang on.” Freddie appears next to me and presses a button that lifts my mattress up for me. Who said the NHS was crumbling? I appear to be in a private room with a high-tech bed.
Various chairs are dragged around me, and they all look at me with mixed expressions of worry on their faces. No one says anything for a beat, then the door swings open and Luke appears with a tray of coffees.
“Sloane, how are you feeling?” His soft, commanding voice takes up all the air in the room, and I fight the urge to call him Daddy Dom.
“Like I was hit by a bike,” I say, and everyone gives me a pity laugh.
“What happened, darling?” Em’s voice cracks a tiny bit, and Luke squeezes her shoulder.
“Not sure where to begin. I’m a mess, Em.”
And then I tell them. I tell them the whole story. About my dad, about feeling like an imposter, about how fucking terrified I am all the time.
Turns out a near-death experience throws an awful lot of shit into perspective. The truths just keep pouring out of me.
“Oh, sweetheart,” says Em, taking my hand. “I can’t believe you’ve kept all of this bottled up for so long.”
“Honestly, I have felt like such a phony for so long. It’s like I invented this version of myself who was completely carefree and independent and then crushed myself under the weight of trying to constantly live up to it.”
“We love you for you, not whatever version you’re trying to project, Sloane.” Jessie gives me an encouraging nod.
“We do actually know the real you, babe,” Chloe chimes in, squeezing my leg. “You might think you put on a good show, but you’re human just like the rest of us. I’m fucking terrified all the time too, for what it’s worth.”
“I love you guys,” I sniff, feeling the tears swell.
Everyone’s staring at me so I close my eyes again, battling the breakdown I fear is coming. I hear a few chairs scrape against the floor, then a familiar hand comes up to sweep the tears away.
I open my eyes again to see Cole’s face right in front of mine. Freddie hangs back on the other side of the bed. He’s holding my hand, but Cole has all of my attention. My friends – my family – are at the back of the room now, giving us space.
“Sloane Reed, I want you to listen to me. No one here gives a shit that your dad has paid for your degree and your flat. Not a single person in this room is here in this hospital because you’re hot and just the right flavour of freaky.
Do you truly believe the people who love you could be so shallow?
Give us a bit of credit, firecracker.” He smiles, catching another tear as it falls.
“We love you for who you are, not who you think we want you to be. You can’t actually hide that big, weird, wonderful personality away. Every single one us fell in love with you the moment you appeared in our lives. Believe me.”
He sits back a bit and I look again at my people, who are all nodding and smiling. Emmy has tears in her eyes. I sniff loudly and nod.
“Princess,” Freddie says, squeezing my hand as my gaze finds his.
“I fell for you the moment you told me to get lost at the bar at Salt. I became an addict, desperate for another fix. And thanks to you, I won the fucking lottery of love. A two-for-one deal.” He looks over at Cole, a look of love on his face.
“There is no version of this life where I don’t choose this. Choose us.”
The lump in my throat threatens to choke me. My heart feels too big for my chest. I can’t find any words, so I just let the tears fall. They’re on me then, pressing light kisses across my cheeks, my eyelids, my palms.
I might have cut the chains tying me to my father, but it’s this moment – embracing what it really means to be loved – that finally makes me feel free.