Chapter 12
Maya
The doorbell rang at seven.
Griffin and I exchanged a look. Neither of us moved.
It rang again.
"I'll get it," I said.
"Maya..." Griffin started.
"I know."
I went to the door. Ivan stood on the porch, unshaven, dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept since he'd left. His clothes were wrinkled, the same ones he'd been wearing three days ago, and there was a hollowness in the way he held himself. Like he'd been emptied out.
"Can I come in?" His voice was strained. Uncertain.
"That depends." I didn't move from the doorway. "Are you staying this time?"
He flinched. "Yeah. I'm staying."
I stepped aside without answering.
Griffin appeared in the hallway behind me. He didn't move toward Ivan. Didn't speak. Just stood there with his arms crossed, his face hard. His eyes followed Ivan through the door. Still deciding.
"Griffin." Ivan's voice was careful. "I know you're angry."
"Do you?" Griffin's voice was flat. Cold. I'd never heard him sound like that before.
"Living room," I said. Not the bedroom. Not anywhere soft or intimate. The living room, where we could sit across from each other and have this out.
Ivan nodded. He looked at Griffin, a long look, an unspoken question I couldn't decipher, and then walked past us both.
We settled into the furniture like strangers. Ivan in my father's old recliner. Griffin and I on the couch, close but not touching. The coffee table between us had never felt so wide.
"Talk," Griffin said.
Ivan's jaw worked. He stared at his hands before he spoke.
"I got scared." The words came out quiet. Ashamed.
"That's not good enough." Griffin leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "You don't get to say 'I got scared' and have that be the explanation. You left. You fucking left. After everything we..." He stopped. Swallowed hard. "I need to know why."
Ivan met his gaze. The rawness there made my chest ache.
"I've never wanted a man before." The admission seemed to cost him something. "My whole life, I knew who I was. What I wanted. What I didn't want. And then..." He gestured vaguely at Griffin. At me. At the space between us. "Then this. Then you. And suddenly I didn't know anything anymore."
Griffin's expression didn't soften. "So you ran."
"I panicked." Ivan's voice cracked. "I woke up that morning and looked at both of you sleeping, and I felt...
" He stopped. Started again. "I felt something I didn't have a name for.
And instead of sitting with it, I convinced myself it would be easier to leave before you figured out I wasn't enough.
Before you realized I was just some straight guy playing at something he didn't understand. "
"You let me..." Griffin's voice broke. He looked away, shoulders hunched, and I saw his hands trembling. "Do you know what that cost me? Opening up like that? Letting you inside me?" When he looked back at Ivan, his eyes were wet. "I've never done that before. With anyone. And you just left."
Ivan flinched.
"I know." His voice was barely above a whisper.
"I know what I did. And I can't take it back.
I can't unfuck this." He leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees.
"All I can do is tell you the truth. I was terrified.
Not of you. Not of Maya. Of who I was becoming.
Someone I didn't recognize. Someone who wanted things I'd spent thirty-two years telling myself I didn't want. "
The place was silent. Griffin was staring at the floor, his chest rising and falling too fast.
"I thought if I left first, it would hurt less," Ivan continued.
"Than watching you figure out I wasn't enough.
Than being the one who ruined this because I couldn't handle what I was feeling.
" He laughed bitterly. "Turns out leaving hurt worse.
Turns out three days alone with my own head was exactly enough time to realize I'd rather be terrified with you than safe without you. "
I reached for Griffin's hand. His fingers were cold when they wrapped around mine, but he didn't pull away.
"I'm sorry." Ivan's voice broke on the word. "I'm so fucking sorry. I know sorry doesn't fix it. But I'm here. I came back. And I'll spend as long as you need proving I won't do it again."
Griffin didn't answer. I could feel the tension in his body, the war between anger and want, between the hurt and the hope.
"You broke something," he finally said. "When you left. You broke something in me that I'd just started to build."
"I know."
"And you think you can just walk back in here and..."
"No." Ivan cut him off. "I don't think that. I'm not asking you to pretend it didn't happen. I'm asking for the chance to earn it back. However long that takes."
"However long?"
"However long."
Griffin's grip on my hand tightened. I watched his face, the anger slowly cracking, revealing something softer underneath.
He wanted to stay angry. I could tell. But Griffin had never been able to hold onto it when someone was actually sorry.
"Fuck," he breathed. "Fuck, Ivan."
He stood up. Crossed the room. Ivan rose to meet him, and for a moment they just stood there, inches apart, breathing the same air.
Then Griffin grabbed the front of Ivan's shirt and kissed him.
It wasn't gentle. It was desperate, angry, grief and relief tangled together. Ivan made a sound against his mouth, a groan that was broken and grateful, and kissed him back just as hard.
When they finally broke apart, Griffin's forehead pressed against Ivan's.
"Don't ever do that again." Griffin's voice was wrecked. "I mean it. If you run again..."
"I won't." Ivan's hands came up to cup Griffin's face. "I swear to God, I won't."
"You swear?"
"On everything."
I watched them from the couch, my heart too full for words. Two men who'd hurt each other. Two men choosing to stay anyway.
Ivan looked at me over Griffin's shoulder. Offered his hand.
"Get over here," he said.
I went to them.
* * *
Tonight, we would stop circling.
I found them in the living room after dinner. Griffin on the couch with his laptop, Ivan in the armchair scrolling his phone. The amber lamplight made the room feel smaller, warmer. Safe.
I sat on the coffee table facing them both. Their screens went dark.
"We need to talk," I said.
Griffin closed his laptop. Ivan set down his phone. Neither of them looked surprised.
"About what happened," I continued. "About what this is. About what we want it to be."
Silence stretched between us. I watched Ivan struggle for words, watched Griffin's fingers tap against his thigh.
"I'll start," Ivan said. His voice was rough. "I don't want to be tolerated. I spent a year rebuilding myself so I'd be worth something. I can't..." He stopped. Swallowed. "I can't be the thing you put up with because it's easier than saying no."
"That's not..." I started, but Griffin cut in.
"And I don't want to be the third wheel." His blue eyes found mine. "The stable one you keep around while the real passion is somewhere else. I watched you two at the club. The way you look at him. I've seen that look, Maya. I know what it means."
My chest ached. Both of them, carrying the same fear. Both of them, certain they were the lesser choice.
"You're both idiots," I said.
They blinked at me.
"I didn't choose this arrangement because I couldn't pick between you. I chose it because I don't want to live without either of you. That's not the same thing."
"Maya..." Ivan started.
"I'm not finished." I took a breath. "Here's the part that scares me. I don't want to be the only reason you're in this. If this is going to work, really work, you need to want each other. Not just share me. Want each other."
No one spoke.
Ivan looked at Griffin. Griffin looked back.
"I meant what I said at the club." Griffin's voice was quiet but steady. "I've wanted to do that for a while. Kiss you. Touch you. It wasn't about Maya. It was about you."
"Yeah?" Ivan's throat bobbed.
"Yeah."
"I've never..." Ivan stopped. Started again. "Three days ago, I kissed a man for the first time in my life. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. About you."
"So?" I asked. "Where does that leave us?"
Griffin stood. Crossed the room to stand in front of Ivan's chair. Extended his hand.
"It leaves us here," he said. "Choosing this. Choosing each other."
Ivan took his hand. Let Griffin pull him to his feet. They stood chest to chest, close enough to share breath.
"I choose you," Griffin said. "Both of you. I want this."
Ivan's hand came up to cup Griffin's face. "So do I."
They kissed. Soft at first, then deeper, learning each other, claiming each other. I watched from the coffee table with my heart pounding hard.
When they broke apart, they both turned to me. Ivan held out his free hand. Griffin held out his.
I took them both and let them pull me to my feet.