Chapter 37
Lauren
After everything that had just happened in the bar, none of us touched each other in the parking lot.
Which was weird.
After everything we’d said inside Hayes’, after Jackson sitting there looking wrecked and Kevin finally admitting this thing wasn’t only about me, the three of us walked out into the cold and kept our hands to ourselves like we’d all suddenly forgotten what they were for.
Kevin unlocked the truck, then stopped beside the driver’s door.
Jackson stood a few feet away with his keys in his hand, staring down at the gravel.
“So,” I said, because apparently someone had to say something before we all stood there until sunrise. “Are we doing the awkward part now, or is this where one of you pretends you have somewhere else to be?”
Jackson let out a short laugh. It didn’t really land. “I should probably head home.”
“No,” Kevin said.
Jackson looked up.
Kevin’s voice stayed calm, but I heard the strain under it. “Not if you’re leaving because you think that’s what I want.”
Jackson’s jaw tightened. “I don’t know what you want.”
“Neither do I,” Kevin said. “Not all of it. But I know I don’t want you walking away five minutes after we finally stopped lying.”
That shut all three of us up.
I wrapped my arms around myself. It wasn’t even that cold. Not really.
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this here,” I said.
Jackson glanced back at the bar. The sign was dark now, the windows black.
Kevin followed his gaze.
“Not here,” he said.
My stomach tightened, but not in a bad way.
The bar had Wednesday night under it, and the almost-kiss, and Kevin finding out, and all the weeks of guilt that followed. Too much guilt, too many things that went wrong before any of us knew how to say what we wanted without hurting somebody else.
Kevin looked at me. “My house?”
I nodded.
Jackson didn’t answer.
Kevin crossed the few feet between them. He still didn’t touch him. “Come home with us.”
Jackson swallowed. “Kev.”
“I’m not asking because I feel sorry for you.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were thinking it.”
Jackson’s mouth twitched like he wanted to argue and couldn’t find the lie fast enough.
Kevin stepped closer. “I’m also not asking because I’m trying to prove I’m over what happened. I’m not over it. I don’t know when I will be.”
My chest pinched.
Jackson looked down. “I know.”
“But I want you there,” Kevin said. “Both of you. And if we go slow, we go slow. If one of us says stop, we stop. Nobody has to prove anything tonight.”
Jackson looked at me. “You okay with this?”
“I want this,” I said.
My voice wasn’t as steady as I wanted it to be.
“I’m terrified. But I want it.”
“Yeah,” Jackson said. “Me too.”
Kevin’s mouth softened. “Three for three, then.”
We drove separately because nobody seemed ready to figure out who should sit where. It was stupid, probably, but choosing felt too loaded. Like getting into the wrong seat might say something none of us knew how to take back.
At Kevin’s house, I went in first.
The kitchen light was still on over the sink. One of Kevin’s coffee mugs sat in the drying rack. My sweater was folded over the back of a chair. Jackson’s spare key was on the counter where Kevin had left it after that night on the porch.
Jackson looked at the sweater. Then at his key.
Last, he looked at Kevin.
I couldn’t shake that look. The way his gaze skipped the room, went right past me, and stayed on Kevin.
Jackson stopped just inside the door, hands shoved into his pockets. He looked too big for the quiet kitchen. Too restless. Like every part of him wanted to bolt before he made the wrong move.
I stepped closer. “You can breathe, you know.”
“I am breathing.”
“Barely.”
He gave me a look. “Smart-ass.”
“Usually.”
Kevin shut the door behind him and locked it.
The sound was small, but I still felt it low in my stomach.
Nobody moved.
Then Kevin walked over to Jackson.
Jackson went still.
Kevin stopped in front of him, close enough that their shoulders almost touched. “I need to do something before I think myself out of it.”
Jackson’s throat worked. “Okay.”
Kevin looked at me.
Not asking permission exactly. Checking. Making sure I was still with him.
I nodded.
Kevin turned back to Jackson and kissed him.
It wasn’t smooth. Jackson froze for half a second, then made a rough sound and grabbed the front of Kevin’s shirt.
Kevin broke the kiss first, breathing harder than before. Jackson stared at him like he didn’t know whether to apologize or do it again.
I crossed the kitchen before either of them could get stuck there.
I touched Jackson’s wrist, then Kevin’s.
“Bedroom,” I said.
Kevin looked at me. “You sure?”
I nodded.
Jackson’s hand turned under mine, catching my fingers.
Kevin reached for my other hand.
No one said anything after that.
We left the kitchen light on and went down the hall.
Kevin’s bedroom was quiet and dimly lit.
He stopped near the bed and looked at both of us again, like he was giving us one more chance to change our minds.
Nobody moved.
Then I stepped into him and kissed him.
He kissed me back carefully at first, still holding himself in check, and that almost undid me more than if he’d grabbed me outright. I could feel how much he wanted. I could feel how hard he was trying not to rush us.
Jackson stayed by the door.
I pulled back enough to look at him. “You too.”