Chapter 24
I walk back towards the front door. I want to get out of the house for a moment and get some fresh air and see what’s going on outside.
I stop by the front door and notice for the first time the bright jade color of it.
I run my hand over it. It’s beautiful. I leave it open and step outside and take in the signs of life.
There are people everywhere. I stare in awe at the gorgeous spirit jags that are literally everywhere.
Some of them are swimming beside their bonded.
Others are bounding around on the sand, over by the trees.
There are people anywhere and everywhere.
I step back as two little boys chase each other and almost run me over.
I watch them, wanting to call out after them and tell them not to run so they don’t fall in.
When one of them trips, I take a step forward.
“They’ll be fine,” Mae says from behind me, surprising me.
“They’re used to running up here, and if they fall in, they can swim just fine. ”
My eyebrows rise in surprise. “Really?”
She shrugs. “This is the Jaguar Kingdom; everybody here can swim. It’s second nature to us, and we love the water.”
I take all this in and make a mental note to ask Kaldar for swim lessons—private ones. I don’t want everyone here seeing what a terrible swimmer I am. “Did Harper get settled?”
“She did. She’s in the sixth one down that side.” She points out the house, and I pinpoint it in my mind so I won’t forget it. “Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you so much for everything, Mae.”
She beams at me. “Of course. If you need anything at all, I’m at that end. The cute house with the yellow windows.” I spot it immediately.
“Got it. Thanks.”
“Of course. Have a good night, Kinsley.”
“Night, Mae.”
I stay outside a little while longer. Nobody approaches me, but I wave at lots of people.
A few wave back; some don’t. I tell myself it will get better.
But there’s only so much rejection a person can take, even me.
I head back inside after a while. Darkness starts to fall, and I don’t do anything for light.
The darkness fits my mood, and I don’t like it.
I don’t like this sadness I feel. It’s so not like me, but I can’t seem to shake it.
The later it gets, the worse the ache in my chest gets.
I wonder if I should walk over to Harper’s, but I talk myself out of it.
I don’t want her to remind me that I chose this.
Because I did, and I don’t regret it. It’s just that in this moment, everything feels like too much.
The ache in my chest intensifies, and the tears I’ve been trying to hold for hours finally come.
I’m helpless to stop them. I close my eyes and let them fall.
I don’t make a sound; I don’t want anyone to hear me.
I would hate for anyone to think I was unhappy here, or worse, tell Kaldar that.
I know things will get better, just right now, everything feels like too much.
The pressure in my chest builds as the sounds from outside quiet down. I have no idea how much time passes, but it’s long enough that the moon comes out. I can see it through the window from where I’m sitting on the floor.
“Kinsley. What’s wrong?”
The sound of that rich voice has me catching my breath.
I look over to the looming shadow near the front door.
I hadn’t even heard him come in. Then suddenly, he’s crouched in front of me with my hand in his.
His hand is so warm; I hadn’t realized how cold mine had gotten.
I don’t know when it started to get cold in here.
“You’re freezing.” His voice sounds worried, but he doesn't move away from me. “What’s wrong?” he asks again, quieter this time.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel so...sad, and I hate that.” His hand tightens on mine.
“Do you have pain in your chest?”
I look up at him in surprise. I can see the outline of his face by the light of the moon. “Yes. It hurts.” My voice breaks a little, even though I’m trying to stay strong.
“I’m so sorry, Kinsley.”
His words confuse me. And then he’s moving next to me, sitting shoulder to shoulder with me on the floor.
Before I realize what’s happening, he’s picked me up and set me on his lap and wrapped those strong arms around me.
I sit stock still, trying to recover from the shock of it.
“This is my fault,” he says in a low, soothing voice.
“You’re in pain because of me, because of our bond. ”
“What do you mean?” I ask, and already, my voice sounds calmer.
His arms tighten around me, so that I’m forced to lean more fully against him. “I’ve heard of this happening. The bond between us is so strong, it’s painful when we’re apart. That ache and sadness is because I wasn’t here.” I take in his words, unsure what to say.
“Is it painful for you?” I ask, still trying to understand.
He pauses, and I can’t help but wonder why. “Yes, but it’s been that way since I met you. I didn’t think it would bother you the same way. Obviously, I was wrong.” He doesn’t sound happy about that.
“You’ve been in pain since you met me?” I can’t help but ask.
He chuckles. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“Why? Why is it like this for us? Farrah didn’t say anything about this.”
He’s quiet a moment, and I can tell he’s thinking.
“Jaguars are very intense creatures, much more than wolves even. And the mating process is very aggressive and intense for jaguars in the wild; so, it makes sense that it would be more intense for us.” He pushes a hair behind my ear.
“And males are more aggressive than females, so it makes sense that I feel it more.
I'm sorry that you were hurting. You should have told me.”
“You weren’t here,” I remind him.
He sighs quietly, but I can tell he’s not upset with me. “You can always tell Veyra something, and she can pass it on to Jespar who can pass it on to me.”
I lay my head against his chest. “That feels complicated.” I am suddenly exhausted. I can hear the steady thrum of his heartbeat, and it helps the tension that’s been building in me all day to begin to dissipate.
He runs a soothing hand up and down my spine. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I should have been here with you.”
“It’s okay.” My words are a whisper; anything more takes more energy than I have to give.
“It’s not but thank you.” He leans forward and kisses my temple softly. “Is the pain easing now?”
I nod against his chest. “Yes.” Even the deep sadness has lifted. “Did you eat dinner?” I yawn after asking. “Mae brought dinner for us.”
He shifts me closer. “She does that a lot.”
“She’s really nice,” I murmur against his chest as yet another yawn escapes.
“Yeah, she is.” He doesn’t say anything, and I just enjoy being close to him. In the morning, I’ll probably be embarrassed. Right now, in just the light of the moon, I can’t find it in me to be anything but perfectly content.
“Where were you all day?” I ask after a little bit.
“I had to deal with a lot of...issues after being gone so long.”
“Were people upset you were gone so long?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Yes.”
“But are they good now that you’re back?”
“Yes.”
I don’t know how I know, but I know he’s not telling the truth. “They’re still unhappy, aren’t they?”
He breathes deeply in his chest. “They’ll be fine.”
“Is it because of me?” When he doesn’t immediately respond, I have my answer. “Is it because I didn’t do the Jade Ceremony thing?”
He stiffens beneath me. “Who told you about that?”
“It was, wasn’t it?”
I can feel his displeasure. “I handled it.”
“I’m sure you did,” I say in a calming voice. “When do I have to do this ceremony?” I try to push my fear aside.
“If it were up to me, never.” His words are bitter, and I want to run a hand over his chest. But I’m not sure we’re to that stage yet in our relationship.
Of course, if you would have asked me an hour ago if we were to the me sitting in his lap point, I would have said a resounding no. But here we are.
“Well, since it’s apparently not up to you, when do I need to do it?” He doesn’t answer, and I give him time. I’m not trying to make him more upset, but I do need to know what all I’m dealing with. “Are you worried I won’t pass the test?”
“No, not at all,” he says immediately.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem is you shouldn’t have to prove that you’re a worthy mate or queen. You already are, and I don’t need a Jade Ceremony to prove it.”
His words make me tear up. “What about my wisdom and justice?” I ask.
“Do you know how many times we would have been dead if not for your wisdom in the Spirit Rites?”
“You didn’t do so bad yourself,” I say right back. When he doesn’t say anything, I prompt him. “What about justice?”
“I saw your justice in the Trials, Kinsley.”
His words shock me. “Really? You didn’t even know who I was.”
He makes a sound, but I’m not really sure how to interpret it.
“I saw you in the Trials, the day we watched the highlights of it. I watched when you held a knife to the girl’s throat that came into your camp after Farrah was bitten.
You were ready to kill her if she was a threat to Farrah, but you let her go.
That’s justice, Farrah. Knowing when to take a life and when to spare it. ”
“I can’t believe you saw me in the highlights.”
He’s quiet a moment. “I saw you long before that day.”
I search his face. “You did?”
He nods. “I saw you the first day you met Farrah.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You did not.”
“Yes, I did. I was on my way to give my best to Farrah when you intercepted her, you didn’t really give her a choice to be your friend. I noticed you right away, and I never stopped noticing you.” His voice is quiet, deep; and my heart hammers in my chest.
I search for something to break the intensity. “Well, I noticed you before you noticed me, King.”
He runs his hand up and down my spine. “Did you now?”
“I did. Of course, they announced you; so, it was a little hard to not notice you.”
He chuckles, and it warms my heart. “How come you didn’t come to any of the events? Like the dinner before the Trials started, or the Champion’s Ball?”
I shrug. “The banished aren’t allowed to attend any of those events. That would involve setting foot inside the castle walls, and the king would rather have died than let that happen.”
“Well, he did die,” Kaldar says with bite in his voice.
“Yes, he did.” I find it hard to have any remorse in my heart for the evil king. “It’s so amazing to me that Rysden came from that man. He was so awful, and Rysden is so nice.”
“How did he die?”
“Rysden’s father?” I ask. He nods. “You really don’t know?”
“No, I haven’t had a chance to talk to Rysden about it. I was going to talk to him about it when I came to get you and Harper, but I ended up being a little busy,” he says wryly.
“Can’t imagine what you were busy doing,” I say with a smile.
“Just hanging with my favorite person in some imaginary, terrifying world.”