Chapter 13
On the way to school, I fed a Third Eye Blind tape into the deck and focused on the lyrics, letting the instruments course through my body and calm my nerves.
I couldn’t stop wondering if there was some truth to what Amy had said.
I hadn’t tried to steal Chris from her and had no idea that she had been trying to flirt with him every time she walked past his field. I had never even seen Amy talk to him.
Suddenly, I remembered that Amy had tried to talk to me on car rides home after school.
Had Amy tried to tell me about Chris, but I had never listened?
Had Amy been right about me all this time, that I was too obsessed with field hockey to notice anything about anyone else?
Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe Amy had a reason to be so mad at me.
When I pulled into the empty parking lot, I immediately saw Chris.
He was sitting on his tailgate with an open book in his lap, writing in a notebook.
He looked up as I parked next to him, and when I got out of the car, I quickly walked around to the back of his truck, and he leaned down to kiss me with a smile.
“Good morning, Superstar.”
“What are you doing here so early?”
“Some last-minute English homework,” he said, as he looked back down at his notebook and quickly kept writing. “Sorry, I really have to get this done, but you can sit with me if you want,” as he patted the tailgate beside him.
“Sure, but you’ll have to help me up,” I said, glancing at the height of the tailgate.
Looking up from his work again, he realized the height, laughed, and hopped off.
He grabbed my waist and lifted me effortlessly onto the tailgate, then he rested his hands on my thighs and looked around the parking lot to find it still empty, so he slid his hands higher along my jeans, squeezing gently as he went.
“Mmm, I wish this was a skirt, but I’m glad it’s not because I really have to get this work done,” he said, as he spread my legs apart to step in closer.
Just then, a horn blew as it came swerving into the parking lot, causing Chris to pull away and turn to see who it was.
It was three guys from the soccer team who carpooled to school, and they were all laughing at the interruption.
Chris threw a middle finger in the air and climbed back up onto the truck next to me to finish his homework.
Cars began to fill the parking lot, and it was time to head to class, but when I looked across the lot, I saw my sister standing with Brooke near the soccer fields, glaring at me, and I got an uneasy feeling.
“They’re up to something,” I said to Chris.
“Just ignore them.”
I couldn’t shake the feeling that Amy was plotting something with Brooke, but I told him I’d try to take his advice. When Amy wanted something, she could be relentless.
“Ready for your soccer game this afternoon against St. Mark’s?” I changed the subject as we walked hand in hand.
“Oh yeah! We’re going to crush them, you’re coming, right?” he looked down at me hopefully.
“Of course I’ll be there.”
Just then, Brooke brushed past my shoulder abruptly with Amy by her side.
“Whatever,” I said, trying to ignore their rudeness.
“Exactly,” he said.
Once we arrived at the Upper School, Chris opened the door to the locker hall, and we headed for his locker this time. When he opened his mostly empty locker, I was surprised to see my hoodie fall out onto the floor, and he picked it up quickly and shoved it back inside.
“That’s mine, you can’t have it, I’m keeping it. I just wanted to have it at school so I could smell it when I stopped by between classes,” he said playfully. This time, I didn’t protest. It made me feel good that he was so into me.
“I’ll see you in French class,” I said, shaking my head with a smile. As I walked away, he grabbed my arm and spun me back to him, pulling me in for a kiss.
“Okay, we have to stop or I’ll be late,” I said.
“Fine, fine,” he said with a pouty expression, then he turned back to his locker, and I headed off to mine.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I heard someone say from behind me as I stepped up to my locker. I turned around, and it was Brooke, standing there alone.
“Excuse me?”
“Flaunting Chris in front of Amy like some prize? She saw you kissing him just now. How could you hurt her like that? She’s crying in the bathroom,” Brooke said, seeking empathy for my sister.
“Just so you know, I do feel bad. I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way, and I tried to explain it to her, but she didn’t believe me,” I said, as I turned back to my locker, trying to take Chris’s advice and ignore her.
“Some sister you are,” Brooke said as she walked away. Her words stung. I did feel bad, but Amy was treating me terribly, and it wasn’t my fault that Chris liked me. I pushed Amy out of my mind, grabbed my books, shut my locker, and headed to my first class.
Throughout the day, I kept running into Amy, who refused to talk to me.
She only shot me looks of disgust. I guess I had really wounded her, but it was starting to get to me.
It was time for French class, and Chris was waiting in the back like always.
He patted the seat as I got closer, and he could tell something was wrong.
“What is it?” he asked as I slid into my seat, but I just shook my head. My hair fell into my face, and he reached over to move it behind my ear as he asked again. “Hey, what’s wrong? Look at me, Allie.”
I turned to look at him, and he looked worried.
I shrugged but flashed him a smile fake enough for him to believe that I was okay.
Madame Holly called attention to the front of the room, and I was happy for the distraction.
I ignored Chris for most of the class, but I could feel his eyes trained on me regularly, and I couldn’t tell if he was trying to get my attention or still trying to determine if I was okay, but either way, I wasn’t going to acknowledge his curiosity.
I looked straight ahead and participated in class as much as possible, which he knew was out of character.
When the bell rang, I collected my things, put them in my bag as quickly as possible, and got up to leave, but Chris stopped me.
“What’s up with you?” he said, not buying my weird behavior.
“Just some stuff at home,” I said. It wasn’t a lie, and I was thankful when he nodded but left it alone.
Once we were out of the room, he threw an arm around me, and I walked down the hall in a daze, numb to the possibility that I needed to let him go and let him decide for himself who he wanted to be with.
He might not understand why I was making an irrational decision based on the trauma of my past, but it was something rooted in the way my Dad had left and never come back.
The way my Dad had pushed me away as a child and made it clear that I wasn’t worthy of being loved.
My Dad walked out the door and chose to love someone else.
Maybe I needed to let him do the same. I looked up with an empty gaze as he looked around at his friends.
“I need to go get my books for tonight,” I said through words that might not have been so believable if he had been more honed in on me in that moment. I was relieved that he wasn’t.
“Okay, yep, I’ll see you at the game,” he said, as he looked back down at me and kissed me on the forehead with a playful tussle of my hair. I was in my head again, which was a destructive place to be.
As I unloaded my books into my locker, I calculated my plan for attending the game that afternoon.
I assumed Amy and Brooke would be there, and I decided that I was going to give her all the space she needed.
I planned to give her the opportunity she had been begging for to shower Chris in attention, even though it wasn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t something Chris would see coming, but I wanted to give him the chance to decide for himself, so I braced myself for the jealousy I would feel. Just then, Isabelle walked up.
“Hey, you’re going to the game this afternoon, I assume?” she asked.
“Yep, you want to go with me?”
“Yes! Let’s sit together.”
“You know me, I’m more of a pacer, but I’ll try to chill and sit still,” I said with a forced smile.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Let’s go,” I said, as I hoisted my heavy backpack onto my back and reached to tighten the knot of Chris’s hoodie around my waist.
“I’m jealous that you’re in a relationship,” she said, as she looked down at the hoodie.
“Chris is so hot. I’ve had my eye on Walker since Freshman year,” she said.
I keep hoping he’ll ask me out,” she continued, trailing off, which I was thankful for so that I could stay deep in my own intrusive thoughts.
Was it a relationship? Maybe not. I didn’t reply, and she didn’t notice.
When we crossed the parking lot and the Soccer field was finally in sight, my stomach turned into a mix of nerves and sudden sadness.
Once we got there, I spotted my sister and Brooke leaning over the black chain-link fence at the front of the bleachers, talking to some of the members of the team.
Chris was out on the field practicing penalty shots, and he saw me arrive, so he waved me over to the fence.
Isabelle walked down to the fence with me, and I could see Amy watching me like a hawk.
“Hey, Superstar!” he said loudly as he closed the distance between us.
“Hey!” I said, with fake enthusiasm. I didn’t want to let on how I was feeling, but I stood back far enough from the fence that he couldn’t reach me, and Isabelle noticed.
“Come here,” he said with a confused smile, as he leaned across the fence and reached a hand around the back of my arm to pull me gently towards him. With my hands resting on the top rail of the fence, I let him pull me in for a kiss, but I didn’t linger; I abruptly pulled away.
“You have to focus. Good luck out there,” I said, with little emotion. He looked hurt.