Chapter 21
When we pulled into the garage, I was the first one out of the car.
I ran up the steps and right into my room, but I didn’t slam the door.
This time, I locked it behind me without worrying whether my mom heard me.
I didn’t care whether she scolded me for breaking her rules, but I didn’t think she would bother.
In a trance, I reached into the center of my mattress, pulled out my blue composition book, and then grabbed my favorite pen to document the injustice of what had happened to me that day.
Dear Diary,
My world is crashing down around me. I’m not who I thought I was.
My whole life is a lie. Today I was finally told the truth that everyone has been lying to me my whole life, but somehow nobody ever seemed to find it in their hearts to tell me.
Nobody ever thought I deserved to know my own truth.
I guess my Dad never loved me at all because he threatened everyone not to tell me.
Who does that? For the past eighteen years, I thought I was a part of this family.
For the past eighteen years, I thought I mattered.
Now I know that I don’t because they didn’t have the guts to tell me the truth about my past. I’m not who I thought I was.
I’M ADOPTED.
Does anyone in this family actually love me?
Have they ever actually cared about me the way they care about Amy?
Now it all makes sense. Tonight, Amy confessed that she doesn’t even think of me as her sister.
She never has, and I’m sure she never will.
I’m on my own. I have nobody to rely on but myself.
The anxiety of my life now revolves around wondering who knows this secret and who doesn’t.
Who has the guts to tell me, and who doesn’t? I’ll never trust anyone ever again.
-Allie
I slammed the cover of the journal shut and held it there in my hands for a moment, savoring the truth that flowed out of my pen and onto the page.
Then I shoved it deep between the mattress and turned to sit on the floor, knees to my chest, and softly sobbed.
The phone rang multiple times before anyone answered it, and I heard my Mom faintly call for me from the bottom of the stairs.
“Allie, it’s for you,” she said, through a strangely chipper tone. I tried to collect my emotions and hesitated before picking up the receiver on my bedside table.
“Hello?” I said through muffled sobs.
“Allie? Oh my God, what’s wrong!” Chris said in a panic. I couldn’t reply, but I also couldn’t hold it in. “Do you want me to come over?” he asked. I nodded, but realized he couldn’t see me through the phone. He waited quietly for my reply.
“Yeah,” I said almost unintelligibly between sobs. “You can climb up the trellis to the roof.”
“I’m on my way. Unlock your window,” he said, then he abruptly hung up.
I was grateful for the extremely brief call.
I didn’t even hear the arrival of his truck, only the sound of his footsteps as they creaked up the wisteria trellis.
Even though I knew he was there, the sudden sound of his tapping on the window still made me jump.
I turned to see him looking frantically through the window, wanting to be let in.
I slowly stood up and made my way across the room to open the window which I forgot to unlock, the swollen painted wood resisted hard as I pushed.
He knelt on the roof for a moment, as he waited patiently for me to back up so that he could climb through.
I was so numb that I didn’t realize what he was asking until he reached through the window and gently placed a hand on my shoulder to push me away. I looked up at him with sadness.
“Move back a little so that I can climb through, baby.” He said with a sweet smile.
I looked up and realized that he was sincere and not trying to be hurtful by moving me.
I was in a very fragile state, and one wrong move would send me to destruction.
Once he was through the window, and without saying a word, he took me into his arms and held me tightly.
The strong muscles of his arms, which could lift some of the heaviest weights in the gym, flexed around me and held me firmly. Finally, he spoke one word.
“Breathe,” he said with authority.
I did, and I realized how much I loved him for giving me one simple direction in a moment where I felt so lost.
I inhaled, exhaled, and kept breathing slowly until he spoke again.
“That’s it, in and out, keep breathing, I’m here. Whatever it is, I’m here, Allie,” he said softly, nuzzling into my hair as his arms grew even tighter around me. The pressure felt amazing.
Finally, I looked up at him with an incomprehensible pain in my eyes, and that’s when he realized the gravity of the situation without knowing anything at all. A look of grave concern washed over his face.
“I want to show you something.”
“Should I be worried? Because the last time you said that, we almost got hit by a train,” he said jokingly.
I knew he was trying to break the tension, but it was the wrong moment for jokes.
“No,” I said, burying my face back into his chest, and the sobs started up again.
“Oh no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Show me, please, I’m so sorry, what is it?”
I spread my shoulders, signally for him to break his vice grip hug. He let go and froze, but looked down to see what I would do next. I made my way over to my bed and crouched down, then reached deep between the mattresses and pulled out my journal and handed it to him.
“What is this?” he asked, confused.
“I’m too upset to explain anything to you, and it’s just easier for you to read it,” I said with tears flowing down my face.
Before he opened it, I walked to the stereo and turned it on and Dave Matthew’s Band’s Cry Freedom came through the speakers.
I turned it up loud enough that my Mom wouldn’t hear a boy in my room, then I walked back over to him and sat down cross legged on the floor.
He sat down cross legged in front of me so that our knees touched and we could look each other directly in the eyes.
I reached for the journal and he passed it back to me, then I opened it up to the page that I had just written in when we got back from the restaurant. I looked up at him slowly, then I passed it back with hesitation and he started to read it.
I watched as his eyes moved line by line, taking in my words, trying to understand what I had written. His eyes grew wide as he read what I wrote and he gasped when he got to the end, then looked up at me. Without saying a word, he closed the book, set the journal down and looked me in the eyes.
“I don’t know what to say,” he began. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now.
I can’t begin to understand how any of them thought it was okay to keep that kind of secret from you.
What I need you to know is that I never knew you then, and I was never part of that lie. You can trust me,” he said.
I wanted to believe him, but I was broken into one million pieces. At that moment, I didn’t know who I was or who I could trust. How could I be sure that Amy hadn’t spread this rumor around school that I was adopted and that everyone knew except me? I decided to ask.
“Have you ever heard this rumor at school?” I asked tentatively, not sure if I even wanted to know the answer.
“No. Never,” he replied immediately. The honesty in his voice seemed genuine so I decided it was best to just believe him. He reached across and pulled me into his lap.
“Come here,” he said, then he wrapped his arms back around me and reached up to wipe the falling tears from my eyes.
“Your eyes are like the color of the ocean. I’ve never seen anything like it, but seeing you cry is breaking my heart, baby.
I can’t stand to see you so sad.” His hands dropped to my waist, and he held me loosely as my body relaxed into his.
It meant a lot to me that he had come running to me when he heard that I was in distress.
He had shown me more compassion than anyone else in my life.
As the song changed to Crash, I felt myself drawn to him with a connection deeper than ever before.
I crawled out of his lap and made my way up onto the bed, using my hands and feet to slide myself slowly backwards, casting him a look that instructed him to follow.
He got the message and quickly climbed after me on all 4s, towering over me.
He gazed down at me as I lay there, wasted in despair.
I reached up and placed my hand behind his neck and pulled him down to me slowly, wanting to savor the moment of his intense gaze crashing into me.
By the time he was close enough to kiss, my heart was already beating a little faster.
He lowered the weight of his body down onto mine as he reached up behind his neck with a devious smile, grabbed my wrist, and then moved it up above my head and pinned it onto the bed.
Then he grabbed my other wrist with his free hand and did the same.
Now completely incapacitated, I let him take control. He kissed me slowly, letting his tongue dance in and out of my mouth, then his lips wandered down the side of my face and onto my neck, where he began to shower me in kisses. I shivered at the feeling of his breath on my skin.
“I’m going to ravage you.” He whispered slowly into my ear.
“Please,” I whimpered. All I needed was to temporarily disappear from this day.
“I’m going to need my hands back, but don’t move,” he instructed, as he loosened his grip on my wrists, and I nodded.
His hands unpinned mine, then met the hem of my shirt, and his fingertips made their way underneath, and they traveled up my stomach until they met the underside of my naked breasts. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and he looked up at me in delight, then carried on.