Chapter 6 #2
“I’m angry and I’m scared and I don’t have a healthy outlet,” she admits.
“Ledger, the man I trusted and loved with my entire being fucked me over for no reason. This isn’t the life I wanted.
In fact, I left my dad to fend for himself so I wouldn’t live a life like this.
I became a nurse to help people—I was tired of the killing.
Yet here I am back in the shadows, running for my life, murdering people over and over again.
I hate this! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! ”
She reaches up to cover her face with both hands.
The move gives me a second to compose myself.
Blair loves Ledger?
It’s not the first time she’s said this but it’s the first that I'm beginning to understand what she means. She’s not referring to a paternal love, as I assumed before. This is a romantic love. Her heart is breaking because she’s in love with Ledger.
A ridiculous wave of jealousy rears its ugly head inside of me.
I try hard to tamp it down.
“What’s worse is that I keep expecting Ledger to show up,” she whispers between her fingers.
I stiffen. “What? Why?”
“Because in the past, when horrible things were happening and Dad and I were in trouble, Ledger would always swoop in and save us. Dad didn’t need to teach me about not fearing death because I was never scared of it.
I knew it would never reach me, not with Ledger in this world.
” She lets out a bitter laugh. “God… Do you hear how pathetic that sounds?”
Blair shifts, scooting behind me a bit as she tries to get comfortable.
I don’t think the bed is the problem.
Giving Blair some semblance of privacy as she bares her soul to me, I keep my back to her. She’d given me the same grace while we laid in the dark in her room after she pulled me from the cliff’s edge.
“This would be the moment where Ledger showed up, Rhett. I never thought that I’d be in a position where I wouldn't be able to call him if shit hit the fan. We’re in this predicament because of him.
I hate him more than anything else in this entire world.
” She pauses to take a deep, steadying breath.
In a small voice, she pushes on, “But, as much as I loathe him, I can’t help but still look for him in the woods or on the road or wherever we go.
It’s crazy, right? Willing him to just appear despite this being his fault? ”
It is crazy.
But I also understand to an extent.
“He was your safety net,” I mutter. “It makes sense you want him to do what he’s always done in the past.”
I wish I could save her from all this; that I could be her hero right now. Yet, all I can do is be here for her, watching her back while we figure this shit out. It doesn’t feel like a lot. Not when everything feels so dire.
Blair lets out a shaky breath, bringing me back to the moment.
“There’s more, right?” I press. “Just spit it out, Blair.”
There’s a long pause. I don’t break it. If Blair needs a moment to gather her thoughts, I’ll give it to her.
“On top of struggling to swallow down that pill, I have to deal with the fact that every day there’s a new threat to your life, Rhett,” she admits, her voice softening.
She leans back against the wall of the van. I remove my socks as I listen to her exhale sharply.
“I’ve already lost so many people. Between Dad, Santi, Wes and…” She swallows hard. “Ledger—it feels like my world’s imploded. I can’t lose you too. I would rather die than let anything happen to you, Rhett. I-I care about you. A lot. I did before this, but… it feels like more now.”
Oh.
Oh…
Understanding dawns on me.
My heart shudders under the intensity of the emotions that swell up, inspired by her words.
Twisting to look at Blair over my shoulder, I find her staring at me.
Her eyes are wide, imploring me to understand what she’s saying while simultaneously pleading for me not to hurt her with this information.
Fuck, I’ve been such a bastard.
She thinks I’m going to snap or dismiss this like I would’ve in the past.
I have a track record of hurting others when I know they love me—look how I treated Santi all these years. Blair’s not wrong to be wary.
Well, that changes now. I won’t squander this. How do I tell her that I feel the same way? I can’t just blurt it out, can I? Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing here but I want to do something to make her understand that what she’s feeling isn’t one sided.
But opening up? I just… I don't know how. I’ve been resisting any type of connection with anyone for years. I don’t know how to connect anymore. I’m trying but damn, it’s so fucking hard. Why can’t I just say what I’m feeling?
When I open my mouth, it’s not the words I want that come tumbling out. Nothing sweet or reassuring passes my lips. Instead, it’s a gruff order.
“Take your coat off.”
Blair doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t move either.
My stomach churns as I fight the urge to panic. I want to be nice, I do. But I’m nervous and uncomfortable with all these feelings inside of me so instead of being sweet, I’m the exact opposite out of pure habit.
“Do it or I’ll do it for you and then I’ll poke at your fucking stitches,” I tell her. Her arm is healing nicely, actually. I probably wouldn’t do it, but if she pushed me, I’d consider it.
She breaks our stare down pretty quick and does as she’s told.
When her jacket is off, I reach for her legs and drag her across the mattress to pull them onto my lap.
Before I can overthink too much about what I’m doing, I start to undo the laces of her boots.
It’s not an intimate act, yet as I pull her boots off her feet it feels like it.
My heart is hammering away in my chest.
It’s like having a first kiss all over again.
Except, instead of a kiss, it’s unlacing a boot.
How fucking romantic, right?
One boot clatters to the floor, followed by another.
Looking up, I find Blair watching me closely. Her brows are furrowed and her pretty lips have turned downward as she tries to figure out my next move.
“Lay down,” I tell her.
“This bed is too small for the both of us. I doubt it’s even a full-size mattress.”
“We’ll make it work.”
“I can sleep in the passenger—”
“Lay the fuck down, Blair.”
“Fine!” She throws her hands up in the air as she glowers at me. “I’ll lay down and not be our lookout. If we die, don’t come crying to me in the afterlife because I’ll only tell you, ‘I told you so’.”
With that dramatic statement and an eye roll, Blair flops down, shifts to get under the covers and rolls so that her back is facing me.
Well shit, who knew Blair can be as dramatic as Santi?
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning, not that she would see it. I study her for a moment, her body stiff. I’m more than sure she’s glaring at the wall.
Reaching forward, I turn off the string lights that hang around the perimeter of the ceiling. Without the soft lighting, we’re cast into darkness. I move carefully, climbing under the blankets and, with bated breath, I scoot closer to Blair until my body is curled around her smaller one.
Fuck, just look at us. Even as stiff as a board she fits against me perfectly.
I take it as a sign that, despite all the shit thrown at us, I’m exactly where I should be.
Over the course of the past few days, that certainty has tried to settle in my bones, but I’ve been fighting against it, confident that this was all in my head.
But Blair’s words, and this moment, tell me I've been wasting time and energy. What’s happening between us is clearly, and blessedly, inevitable.
“I’m here with you, Blair, because I can’t face the world without you,” I admit. My words are so quiet that I’m not sure she’ll hear me. I wrap an arm around her waist. “I’ll risk my life, I’ll give my life, ten times over just to know you’re safe.”
Blair’s entire body seems to deflate. All the fight and annoyance in her evaporates, departing as she lets out a soft sigh.
“We haven’t lost anyone,” I press on. “This is just temporary. Whatever it takes, I’ll make sure you and I will see the others again.”
Minus one.
I won’t let Ledger get his hands on her. Whatever fucked up plans he had for Blair are over. I’ll keep Blair safe from Ledger, no matter the cost to me.
My grip around Blair’s waist tightens as I make that vow.
With that thought, I bury my face in her hair, close my eyes and allow sleep to take me.