Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
KAI
I wake dreamily, but the peace doesn’t last.
The first thing I feel is him.
Luca is still asleep beside me, one arm draped possessively over my waist, his chest pressed to my back, breath warm against the nape of my neck. His leg is tangled with mine under the sheet. The villa is quiet except for the distant sound of the ocean and the faint creak of the deck in the breeze.
I should feel safe. Warm. Wanted.
Instead, I feel exposed.
Raw.
My heart starts pounding before my eyes are fully open.
Last night floods back in vivid, overwhelming detail—the way I dropped to my knees for him, trying to show him how much better of an option I am than Whitney.
I took him apart with my mouth and fingers.
Before asking for even more—his first time bottoming.
He had whispered my name like it was the only word he knew, and thinking about it now makes my stomach drop.
It wasn’t just sex.
It was more.
So much more.
And that terrifies me.
I’ve spent years building control—iron-tight walls to keep myself safe after the foster system tried to break me.
I learned early that needing someone, wanting someone, meant giving them the power to destroy you.
I’ve kept the band together by being the steady one, the perfectionist, the one who never lets emotions get in the way.
But last night, I let go.
I let Luca in—all the way in—and now I feel… undone.
My chest tightens. Panic rises sharp and fast.
This is more than lust. More than the staged chemistry we’ve been selling. This is real, and real things break. Real things end. And if this ends badly, it won’t just be us who suffer. It will be the band. Michael. Min-ho. Everything we’ve built.
I can’t let that happen.
I carefully slide out from under Luca’s arm, trying not to wake him. He makes a small, sleepy sound and shifts, reaching for me even in sleep. The movement twists something painful in my chest.
I sit on the edge of the bed, back to him, staring at the floor. I have to stop this. Before it gets deeper, and it destroys everything.
Before I lose him in the worst way possible—not because we never tried, but because we tried, and it all fell apart.
I stand. Pull on the nearest pair of shorts. My hands are shaking.
Luca stirs behind me. His voice is sleepy, warm, still soft from last night.
“Kai…? Come back to bed.”
The affection in his tone makes my throat close up.
I turn to face him.
He’s propped up on one elbow, hair messy, eyes half-lidded and fond. The sheet has slipped down to his hips, exposing the chain tattoo low on his stomach and the faint marks I left on his chest last night.
He looks beautiful.
He looks like everything I want.
And that’s exactly why I have to do this.
I swallow hard. My voice comes out quieter than I want it to. “Luca… we need to stop.”
He blinks, the sleep clearing from his eyes. “What?”
“This.” I gesture between us. “Last night. All of it. It’s more than lust. More than the show. And I… I can’t do this. If we keep going, it’s going to end badly. We’ll hurt each other. We’ll hurt the band. I can’t risk that.”
Luca sits up fully. The sheet pools around his waist. His expression shifts from sleepy confusion to something else that makes my heart clench—hurt, disbelief.
“Kai… we agreed. No more pretending. No more professional. You said you wanted this, too.”
“I know what I said.” My voice cracks. I hate how weak it sounds. “But I was wrong. This is too much. Too fast. If we keep going like this, one of us is going to break the other. And I won’t let that happen to us. To the band.”
He stares at me. The hurt in his eyes is raw and unguarded.
“So you’re running again,” he says quietly. “After everything we did last night. After you took me apart and held me like that…you’re pulling away.”
I flinch. The words sting because they’re true.
“I’m trying to protect us,” I whisper.
Luca’s jaw tightens. He looks away for a second, then back at me. His voice is low and full of pain. “You’re protecting yourself. Not us.”
The silence that follows is heavy.
I want to take it back. I want to crawl back into bed and let him hold me. I want to tell him I’m terrified because I’ve never felt this much for anyone, and I don’t know how to survive losing it.
But I don’t.
I just stand there, chest aching, watching the warmth in his eyes slowly dim. Luca exhales shakily and looks down at the sheet.
“Fine,” he says, voice flat. “If that’s what you want.”
I turn away before he can see the regret already flooding my eyes.
The memory slams into me so hard it feels like I’m living it again.
I’m twelve.
Elena is sitting across from me at the small kitchen table. Her eyes are red and puffy, like she’s been crying for hours. The smell of her chicken soup is still in the air from dinner, but it suddenly turns my stomach.
She reaches across the table and takes my hands. Hers are shaking.
“Kai, honey… the agency called today.”
My stomach drops. I already know what she’s going to say, but I still hope I’m wrong.
“They found a family for you. A married couple. They think it’s a better fit. They have a bigger house, more resources… they can give you the kind of home I can’t right now.”
I stare at her. My mouth is dry. My chest feels like someone is squeezing it.
“But… you said you were going to adopt me.”
She flinches. Tears spill down her cheeks.
“I tried, sweetheart. I really did. But the agency said no. They think you need a mother and a father. A more stable environment. I’m so sorry.”
I nod. I don’t cry or yell, neither one would change anything. I just nod, because that’s what you do when adults decide your life for you.
She keeps talking—about how much she loves me, how this is for the best, how she’ll visit every weekend.
I stop listening after the first lie.
Later, I pack my bag in silence while she cries in the living room. My hands are steady. My face is blank. I’ve done this before.
She hugs me at the door when the social worker arrives. She promises she’ll call. She promises she’ll visit.
She never does.
That night, in the new house with the new family, I lie in a strange bed and make myself a promise:
Never again. Never will I let myself care that much. Or believe someone when they say they want to keep me. I’ll never let go of control. Because caring makes you weak. Needing someone gives them the power to destroy you. Letting go of control means getting hurt in ways you never see coming.
So I built the walls.
Higher. Thicker. Stronger.
And now, standing in this beautiful villa with the ocean singing beneath us, I feel those same walls slamming back into place—heavy, familiar, and suffocating.
I hear Luca shift on the bed behind me.
“Kai…” His voice is quiet. Hurt. “Don’t do this. We have something here between us. I know we do.”
I don’t turn around. I can’t look at him right now.
“I have to,” I say, flinching away as his hand lands on my waist.
He scoffs, but he doesn’t try to touch me again. “Right. I’ll tell Harry I have to get home. I’m sure last night gave him enough to boost ratings for a few weeks.”
My eyes drop shut, and I inhale slowly as the silence stretches. I can feel him watching me, waiting for me to tell him no, that I’ve changed my mind. It hurts more than I expected it to.
But I’ve survived worse. I grab a shirt from the chair and pull it on. My hands are shaking.
“I’m going for a walk,” I mutter.