Chapter 56
The campus was absolutely beautiful. It looked like the kind of place Ben had always thought he’d end up—with lush, full trees
and perfectly manicured grass. Although the spring term was over and the summer term had only just begun, students filled
the sidewalks and gathered in the common areas.
Ben looked down at his campus map. The economics department was just ahead. It was a solemn-looking building of gray stone.
He smiled at a few students as he took the steps two at a time.
There was a secretary sitting at a desk in the front office of the department head, furiously typing on a keybaord. She barely
looked up when Ben entered, motioning for him to have a seat.
“Dr. Baker will be with you shortly,” she said.
Ben sat, clutching his satchel to his chest. Knowing that the job was his didn’t make him any less nervous. The last time
he taught a class was when he was a TA, and it had been freshman-level economics.
“Dr. Lawrence.” A man with a head of steel-gray hair and a mustache to match stood in the doorway of the office beyond the
secretary. “Come on in.”
Ben got up, smiled at the secretary who didn’t even bother to look up at him, and followed Dr. Baker into his office.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Dr. Baker said, gesturing to Ben to have a seat. “I’m thrilled you’re here.”
“Me, too, sir,” Ben replied, sitting down. This time, he lay his satchel on the floor next to his seat.
“Everyone on the hiring committee thinks you’re the best candidate for the job,” Dr. Baker said, opening a blue file folder
on his desk. “Your list of publications is impressive, and we’ve gotten excellent references from your former professors.”
“That’s good to hear,” Ben said.
“And I think you’ll love the city,” Dr. Baker continued. “I’ve been an old married man for a long time, but I hear the nightlife
is wonderful for a young, single man such as yourself.”
“That sounds great,” Ben replied, but the words rung hollow in his ears.
There wasn’t anything Ben wanted less than to spend his time after work going out and meeting new people. Once, not so long
ago, both of those things would have been exciting. He’d spent years envisioning his life this way—in a new job, in a new
life. It had been his singular goal for so long, and he was furious that he could no longer make himself rise to the occasion.
For the first time in a long time, it felt like he didn’t know who he was—who he was supposed to be.
“Dr. Lawrence?”
Ben blinked. He hadn’t heard a word of what the other man was saying. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I must be more jet-lagged than
I thought.”
The older man smiled. “That’s all right, son. Why don’t I show you around the department, introduce you to a few people who
weren’t on the committee? It just occurred to me that your interview was virtual, and you haven’t actually seen the campus.”
Ben stood up, grateful for the distraction. “I’d love that,” he said.
He spent the next couple of hours parading around the economics department, shaking hands with future colleagues, and learning about a few things he’d need to remember for the fall semester—don’t park on the east end of campus. It’s nice and shaded, but your car will be covered in bird poop when you leave. Always keep a jacket in your office during the winter because the buildings are freezing. Don’t ask IT for anything unless it’s an emergency. Buy your own office chair. The words washed over Ben, and by the time he was done, it was nearly time to meet the Realtor he’d hired to help him find an apartment.
An official offer was made, and he was left with a copy of a contract and instructions to return it as soon as he could. It
hadn’t escaped Ben that Dr. Baker seemed a little disappointed he hadn’t signed it right then and there, but Ben had said
he wanted to read over it in more detail when he was alone. Dr. Baker had accepted this. After all, economics professors were
nothing if not shrewd.
By the end of the day, he was sitting in a café not far from the university with a copy of a contract and a copy of a lease
laid out in front of him when a harried waitress brought him coffee.
“Can I get ya anything else?” she asked, pen poised to take an order.
“No, thank you,” Ben said. “I’m good.”
She nodded and walked away.
Ben nearly laughed. Not because anything was really that funny, but he’d become used to knowing every single person he encountered
these last few weeks. He never would have been able to get out of a conversation that easily at the Cracked Egg. But hadn’t
this been one of the reasons he enjoyed city life? He could go anywhere and be anonymous. There was never anyone in Chicago
or a city like this asking about his day or wanting to know about his love life.
So, why did he find himself missing it?
The papers on the table loomed before him, a reminder of the decisions he had to make. There was an apartment less than a block from here, so close to campus that he could walk or bike if he wanted to. It was nice, and incredibly, it was also affordable. He wouldn’t have trouble making the rent, not with the salary offered on the contract.
He thought about the house in Clay Creek. Selling it would give him a nest egg. In a few years, he could buy a house of his
own once he decided if he wanted to stay here and teach or wander somewhere else, and while he would have traded that money
to have his grandfather and his mother back in a heartbeat, he couldn’t deny that everything was falling into place.
Still, Ben couldn’t bring himself to sign either piece of paper. Every time he began to search his satchel for a pen, he started
to feel sick to his stomach. Signing, making any kind of a decision about this life, meant the end of something else, the
end of another type of life. Granted, it was a life he hadn’t yet started. It was the idea of this life that he couldn’t shake, couldn’t stop thinking about.
For so long, he’d had this idea about what his life should be. He’d spent years planning everything down to the last letter.
He’d been unwilling to stop long enough to consider other options, but the weeks he’d spent in Clay Creek had caused those
plans to crack. And now he was sitting here wondering if leaving there, leaving Mylie, had been the worst mistake of his life.
Ben took a sip of the coffee that had long since gone cold. He caught the waitress’s eye, and she came over.
“Need a refill?” she asked.
“Yes, please,” Ben replied.
“Can I get you anything else?”
Ben picked up the menu. “Do you have any recommendations?
The waitress brought the tip of her pen to her mouth. “Hmm... it depends on what you’re in the mood for.”
“I don’t know what I...” Ben trailed off as a crash sounded from somewhere behind them. The waitress turned to watch as a busboy scrambled for a pile of dishes that now lay on the floor in pieces.
“I’m sorry,” the waitress said, turning back to him. “What did you want?”
The menu blurred in front of him. What did he want? Certainly nothing from the menu. There was an emptiness sitting in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t think anything
in this café could satisfy. It didn’t really matter that his coffee was cold, or what he ordered to eat. It didn’t matter
whether he signed this contract in front of him, or found an apartment, or made friends with the locals. Nothing that he did,
nothing he said, nothing at all mattered without the one person he wanted to share it with.
Ben sat back in his chair, the realization of it all washing over him like a tidal wave.
He knew.
He knew what he wanted. It had been in front of him the whole time, and he was so damn stubborn, so stupidly confident that
he hadn’t allowed himself to see it. How could he have been so blind?
“I think I’ll just take the check,” Ben said, staring up at the waitress who was looking down at him, confused.
Was it too late? Had he ruined everything? He didn’t know, but for once in his life, he was going to take a risk.